“Yes, of course. Let’s just stay like this for a little while first.”
“Okay.”
Slonne can’t see the phone in my hand with her head in the crook of my neck. I put it on silent and pull up Giulio’s contact. I know it’s late, but this is urgent. We’re still tense and haven’t spoken since the altercation. This morning when the police knocked on my door asking further questions about the suspicious man leaning against the car, a part of me had hoped they were here to tell me more about Addilyn.
But they weren’t.
The news that vandals destroyed one of Giulio’s sites with toxic words about Addilyn destroys me. I didn’t appreciate what Giulio did to me, but I would never wish this upon him.
Valencia: I’m sorry it’s late. Slonne had another nightmare and is asking for a bad dream spray? I’m not too sure what it is…Apparently you’ve used it with her?
Those three bubbles appear faster than I expect.
Giulio: Hey, it’s okay. I’m leaving for Vancouver in a few hours. The bad dream spray is your favorite perfume bottle. The Marc Jacobs one. Spray it a little in her room and I told her she’ll have sweet dreams. If she doesn’t, re-spray it again. I hope that helps.
I almost drop my phone from shock.
My favorite perfume.
Decadence.
I must have left one at Giulio’s. The fact that he’s been using something of mine for such a delicate physiological cure for Slonne makes me see just how…compassionate he really is.
That is so touching.
Remember what he did, Valencia.
He hid the truth. He hid hope from me. I can’t forget about that and it stings.
Right now, my feelings for him are so strong, but every time he makes a move I deflate. The fact that he’s leaving for Vancouver doesn’t help. I want to remind him to remember his passport. Six years ago, we eagerly presented ourselves at Sea-Tac Airport to begin our wedding and honeymoon in Fiji, only to be publicly mortified we miraculously both forgot our passports at home. Call it pre newlywed dementia. It’s been a running joke between us ever since…well, until a few months ago.
Valencia: That helps tremendously. Thank you.
Those three bubbles appear and I bite my lip waiting and waiting and waiting. Then all of a sudden they disappear. I shouldn’t feel this disappointed, yet I do.
What were you expecting him to say or do? Apologize?
I don’t even know anymore. What I do know now is how to make Slonne feel even better.
“Okay, angel. Let’s use the bad dream spray now!”
It’s been half an hour since Slonne’s nightmare and I wish I could use that darn perfume on me because while she’s sound asleep, I’m in the living room racking my brains. Helena and everybody else in this house is sound asleep, and I can’t shut my eyes no matter what I do.
My gaze darts to a basket a couple of feet away by the fireplace.
No.
I concentrate on the snapping of twigs and the mesmerizing glowing heat it projects. I can’t possibly look inside that basket. I put in my Bluetooth earphones, adamant for something to come from it as I lie on the couch and pull up the weighted blanket. Perhaps being outside of the bedroom will help.
‘I Found’ by Amber Run blasts through my ears on repeat.
I shut my eyes.
Nope.
I up the volume, blurring out any source from reality. Yet my eyes trail to the basket again.
For the love of god.
In a split moment, the dusty pink photo album is set on my lap. Addilyn Giannotti. If Helena were to catch me, she would advise against this triggering move. My therapist once said reminders of the past don’t have to be potent. The handbook mentioned the same thing and right now, I want to implement and absorb as much as I can. I want to overcome my depression, or at least know how to tolerate it better.
I glance through the pages, reminiscing our premature happiness. Addilyn on my chest as a newborn. Her first night at home. Meeting her siblings. That gorgeous little smile.
I stop at my favorite candid picture. The baptism. Giulio and I stand together. His left hand is hooked around my waist, the other settling on Slonne’s shoulder. Oscar is beside me, making a face while I have Addilyn cradled in my arms. She’s even more adorable in white. Giulio is looking lovingly at me, grinning. I too feel his warmth, wrapped in love.
This used to be my favorite picture. Tears build. There’s no resistance in me when I reach a finger forward and stroke Giulio’s face and then the children’s.
I need something to take away the bitter taste in my mouth and ginger tea becomes my last resort. I don’t usually have it at night because it gives me a headache and keeps me up late, but seeing as everything is becoming a role reversal, I give it a try.
The powerful chorus of the hauntingly beautiful song blares in my ears, a perfect reminder of my situation. The lyrics start off describing breaking away from the person you love and losing your mind over wanting to move on whilst your soul continues to hold onto the person. Then depending on the state of the heart while listening, the ending can either be depicted as; the couple falling back in love—or, walking out of each-other’s lives for good.
I pull out the kettle and fill it up when the unexpected happens. Something hard presses against my back.
A body.
The kettle begins overflowing, but I can’t reach the faucet fast enough before my mouth is covered, muting my scream.
Oh my God! What is going on?
One of my earphones falls out amid the commotion. The music stops as the hand leaves my mouth. It’s only then I get a whiff of aftershave that my entire body heaves.
“I’m sorry.” A soft murmur meets my right ear. “I didn’t know you had them in.”
Giulio.
I thought the absolute worst moments ago and now I don’t even know what to say.
“Holy hell, you scared me!” I set both earphones on the counter in a daze and turn to face him with my heart beating a million miles per hour. “What are you doing here at this hour?”
Giulio sports a classy five o’clock shadow, a crisp white shirt that sculpts his impeccable torso, and those damn gray slacks. He swallows, regretful sorrow plunged in his bright-eyed gaze. “I needed to talk to you.”
“I don’t want to hear it. How did you even get in?”
“I used my emergency key because I knew you may not have opened up. I don’t want to get on a plane in a few hours knowing we’re angry with each other. I was in a late meeting when I got your text and once it ended I gambled with the idea you were still awake.”
“I think it would be best if you leave.”
“Please let me explain.” We’re so close I feel his hot breath against me. “You see how perfect Oscar and Slonne are. We care and love them more than life itself. We’d sacrifice ourselves to have their sister back, but there’s certain things in life we have to…accept.”
“I can’t accept that I will never see her again. She’s us. She’s a piece of me. I carried and nurtured her for nine months. She was safe with us. I can’t let it all go now. It hurts…too much.”
“I know it does. I’m sorry, I used the wrong word to explain it. But, that hurt is the exact reason I wanted to wait a few days to tell you about the sighting.”
I shake my head, the heavy lump in my throat throbs just as my vision blurs with tears. “There isn’t a perfect time. Whoever did this to us ruined everything.”
An unsteady sigh escapes Giulio.
His closeness lingers even when he steps away. I lean over the sink, clutching my chest when the world begins to spin. I get that feeling I felt at the dinner table last night after seeing the report. That tight bundle of angst. The hurtful thoughts. The non-existent goodbye.
Please, not another panic attack.
Not with him.
“Fuck. I can’t see you like this, Valencia.”
“What am I supposed to do? I can’t do anything!”
“It kills me too. You know it does! The truth is, I don’t feel her.”
“Please don’t…”
Don’t say that.
I shut my eyes to remember that ocean of mine. I need to go back to the sailor incapable of navigating his compass. Back to the clear blue waters where everything is serene.
“Valencia…are you okay?”
“Please, just go,” I plead, pouring some water out of the tea kettle before placing it on the stove. I reach up on my toes to feel for a mug in the overhead cupboard, only to gasp at the sensation Giulio’s body gives as he aligns himself against my back. I don’t expect for his warm hand to fall by my waist, nor the other to effortlessly clasp the mug for me with ease.
His lips graze against my ear. “Here.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, taking the mug.
“It will only worsen us if I walk out with everything left unsaid. I owe you an apology.”
“There’s nothing worse than this.”
“There is. You don’t want me to raise hell these next four weeks without you.”
I turn around, bewildered. “Wait. Are you actually accepting my resignation?”
“Never.” A hopeful smile rises on his parted lips. “But at least you’re looking at me now.”
That gets me to chuckle and my eyes roll at his achievement. “God, I hate you!”
Giulio turns serious. His hands by the countertop box me in, preventing me from escaping him. Maybe I don’t want to…It doesn’t help how the overhead light illuminates his pupils and I witness them expand. “Do you though? Hate me, that is.”
My head involuntarily shakes. “No. I could never. You aggravate me sometimes and I’m sure I do the same to you, but never hate. Hating you would be unfair on us and our children. I don’t want them growing up in a broken family…I know you don’t either.”
Giulio’s smile endorses my words.
I know I’ve hit home.
“Exactly, my upbringing was filled with animosity after my mom died. It wasn’t until my father took his life that I realized some people don’t need to be dead to begin grieving them. Meanwhile, others leave your life even though you’ve been holding onto them the entire time.” His tone takes on a low cadence. My entire body comes alive underneath his enticing gaze. “I never intended to let go of Addilyn. She’s my babygirl too. I was supposed to protect her, but I didn’t, just like I couldn’t protect my mom. My mother died believing her devoted husband was a man of gold. That will always haunt me.”
I wish I could take away Giulio’s pain. His past torments him. Seeing his step-mother pregnant with Marcus at his mother’s funeral and uncovering how his father betrayed his mother during her battle. Then being forced to grow up with those who had betrayed her—he couldn’t tolerate it. He was twenty-one when his father took his life. He and Marcus witnessed their father’s suicide during Giulio’s first trip back to New Jersey for Thanksgiving after relocating to Seattle. I can’t begin to imagine what it would have felt like to lose both parents so young, and the tension of it all will always remain within him.
It’s still there.
I remember when Giulio first told me the story and I saw the immense love for his mother in his eyes. I still see it. How moved and inspired I was by what he’s made for himself. That night I knew we were destined to be together.
“I know you’re hurt…I wish I could take it all away for you, Giulio.”
“Nobody gets me like you do. I’ve always been loyal to you. Even during this separation, not once have I even thought about being with another woman. I’m not looking for that. Do you know what my priority is? The one I share with you?”
I feel our every breath colliding and it reminds me we’re alive, capable of tackling anything and everything. Giulio’s heat slaughters me and takes me back to when everything was much simpler. A place only for him and me. I’d do anything to return there, but I’m also scared of the perpetual limitations between us. Until we’re on the same page, it won’t work.
“Our priority is our children.”
“Exactly.” He nods with a soft smile. “My priority is being a good father and protecting them from harm. You’re also my priority. I still care. God, I want you thriving. I hid something big. I fucked up. I know that now. You deserve much more than what I give you.”
“Giulio, it’s…”
“It’s not okay. I couldn’t forgive myself when you walked away from me yesterday. I was so torn. I don’t want you crying for me. I don’t deserve it.”
If I don’t get out of my head, I’ll be the person dragging this moment down. My hands fall upon Giulio’s chest and it electrifies me right there. My palms cover his crisp shirt, just above his heart and for a moment, his rapid heartbeats are all I concentrate on. I wonder if he can feel that mine are beating to the same rhythm.
Through my lashes, I absorb how attractively vulnerable he is. “You deserve something.”
“I deserve nothing.”
“No. You do deserve it.”
“I’m so sorry that I let you down. You know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I need you. I need you at the office and not just because of work. I promise to never hide anything again. I thought…I didn’t know what I was thinking. Please. Come back, Lencia.”
Lencia.
The last time he called me that we were a happy family of five.
“It makes sense. You were scared of the news impacting me and reacted on instinct. The past got in the way. I understand now…and I’ll keep working with you. I forgive you.”
Giulio’s eyes squeeze shut in relief.
I know he’s trying so hard to open up. It’s something we constantly struggled with since signing our legal separation. Both of us bottled away our feelings after every argument. We need to go back to that happy place where we can speak honestly and openly.
“I’m so sick of fighting with you, Lencia. I’m sick of the back and forth. It hurts me. It hurts me right here.” Giulio’s hands slide over mine by his heart. I fan out my fingers and he laces our hands together, every inch of my body throbs at his touch.
It still gets me.
He still owns every single part of my body without even saying a word. Even when I attempt to deny it, I’m his. At the core of Addilyn missing, we have to work together and be on the same team. I have a feeling that after tonight we will be.
“It hurts me there too. We need to be kinder to each other.” I express my gravest concern within our window of honesty. “No more lies, no more getting all angry and worked up. There’s somebody out there seeking to destroy us, and we are hurting each other in the process which is only benefiting whoever is doing this to us.”
“You’re right. You are so right.” Giulio’s eyes open to warmth. I’m smiling through the emotional desolation and am fond of the way he mirrors the action. “How’s therapy and the anti-depressants been going? The book?”
“They’re helping me more than I ever expected. Especially the book, thank you once again for it. It’s been incredible. The conversations with Dr. Eross are getting more…intense.”
“Maybe I could come with you one time?”
Enraptured by his closeness, the words escape me. “That would be…”
“Good?” Giulio asks, detaching one hand to cup my cheek. His eyes are on my pink lips. He can feel my heart now. I’m certain of it. It thumps in my ears, slowly fading out the sound of the crackling wood fire across the room.
It’s all him.
Entirely him.
“Yes. That would be good.”
Giulio’s head moves in line with mine. We challenge each other’s gaze with the light in our eyes. We’re burning like an allusive flame. I squeeze our intertwined hand and his body responds by bringing me even closer. That captivating and erotic cologne is all I breathe. My throbbing heat intensifies and my nipples harden, poking through my soft silk top as I press up against Giulio’s shirt.
Woah.
“When s
hould we go?” His lips almost touch mine. Almost. His deep, sexy voice has me drop my composure. And I don’t want it to stop.
“Next Tuesday night. That’s my next session.”
“That works.” His nod proves a risky move when his lips brush against the tip of my nose and then my forehead. It’s there where he leans in and kisses it. “Only if you would like me there. I know it’s complicated, but I would like to stand by you and support you.”
Oh my…Yes.
I’m in my own world of wondering thoughts with moans threatening to escape at the idea that all Giulio needs to do is lower his mouth down to my lips or neck. Even with all the obstacles in the way, tonight I see him for him. I see him as the man I married. The man I love.
“I need you…” Excitement molds our sensual touches and lingering gaze. “I need you at the session with me.”
“I’m already there, Lencia.”
The nickname again.
Giulio’s presence teases my desire. He knows my body too well not to notice my roused silent plea when he hovers his lips by my neck, seconds from kissing me. Yes, please. The sexual tension is slaughtered by the kettle’s whistle. Our touch falls away without any kiss, yet I still feel him. I will for days. This memory will be with me long after tonight. I never thought that after yesterday we’d share such an intimate moment together…and yet…
I don’t know what this means for us, if it even means anything or if it’s making everything better or worse. God, I don’t even know how to comprehend the way I feel. All I know is that we were so close to becoming whole again…even if it was for a moment in time.
“I should go. Goodnight, Lencia.”
I have no time to gather my thoughts let alone speak before Giulio leaves. He nudges the door shut without another word, leaving me with the roaming impression of his sensational lips lingering across my skin.
I expected to feel something more than this. Something much more. My hopes and greatest prayers diminish the moment Giulio and I are called to the police department on Monday morning.
Merciful Vows: A Bittersweet Second Chance Romantic Suspense (The Giannotti World Book 1) Page 18