“How long have you been here?” he asked.
She gave him a steady look. “Long enough to see you throwing a fit about something by attacking an innocent hay bale.” A slight smile played on her face as she picked up a three-legged milking stool.
He managed a slight grin. “I guess I did look foolish.” Her wry smile made him feel better at once—and he didn’t like it. He wanted Mildred to scream at him, to tell him he was an idiot. That’s what he deserved.
Instead she was all sympathy. “Sorry you’re not… feeling well.”
“I’m feeling just fine.”
She appeared unperturbed. “Did Debbie feed you sour milk with the cookies last night?”
Alvin cringed. Why had she said such a thing? Now he found himself saying what he hated to say… but must. “Mildred, I want you to leave. I want you to quit working for my daett and mamm. I’ll talk with Daett later today about it. Perhaps your sister Bertha can take your place. I’m sorry, but it has to be this way.”
The stool clattered to the floor. Tears sprang to Mildred’s eyes. “What have I done, Alvin? Did I offend you? Or Debbie? Please tell me what it was, and I’ll stop.”
He stared at the ceiling. “The truth is that I have to think some things through, and I can’t do them with you around. It’s not about you, Mildred; it’s about me.”
“Is Debbie making you do this?” Mildred wiped at her eyes.
“Nee!” he snapped. “I broke up with her last night.”
“You did?” Her exclamation came in a gasp. She stepped closer. “But why, Alvin? I thought you liked her.”
“I did,” he muttered. “And I do. I can’t explain it right now. Even to myself.”
Shock was in her voice. “Did Debbie drop you, Alvin?”
Alvin laughed. “Nee! Though I wish she had.”
“Then why?” Her voice was insistent.
He paused. “Debbie… Debbie is not from my world. She never was. I longed for something that wasn’t mine to have. And look what it cost me! Because of that insane fling in Philadelphia, I’m now in trouble with the church. I have to stay back from communion. I can’t go on living like that, Mildred. Debbie deserves someone better than me.”
She grabbed his arm. “Then there is hope for me, Alvin? We can begin again? I had never dared think this before. I certainly wasn’t trying to interfere with your relationship with Debbie. But, please, listen to what you’re saying, Alvin.”
That wasn’t quite true, he thought. Mildred had made her desire plain enough. But she had conducted herself without blame these past few weeks. He met her troubled gaze. “Nee, Mildred. It wouldn’t work out between us.”
Her face fell. “Then you’re going to try to get back with her? Make up?”
“I don’t know!” He almost screamed it. “Nee, I can’t get back with her now. Or ever! I’m confused, okay? And you being here isn’t helping.”
She regarded him for a moment. “We’d better do the chores. Sometimes thinking about things only makes it worse.”
“That’s the most sense I’ve heard all morning,” he said, relief flooding through him. As always, Mildred knew what needed to be said and done. He’d already spent hours in thought about this since he came home last night to no avail.
Alvin went about his chores, and when he returned with the first round of cows, Mildred had the feed spread out. He met her pleading gaze for a moment. Her words from earlier buzzed through his sleep-deprived mind. Mildred had clearly offered a renewal of their relationship. She had shown every indication of this the past weeks, but to hear the words spoken made the option all the clearer. This was not a dream. Mildred wouldn’t disappear on him sometime in the future. She had no place to vanish to like Debbie did. She was Amish through and through. She had no past beyond what they both knew, and she had no future that was any different from his future. Debbie’s Englisha past would always be a part of her. She couldn’t change that, no matter how Amish she became.
Alvin brought his thoughts about Debbie to a stop. This was not Debbie’s fault. She was making every effort to fit in with the community. This was about him. Could he see himself with a right to belong in Debbie’s life? And even if he could, would he handle himself as someone fitting for her? Not judging from his recent actions.
Alvin groaned. Mildred was right. All this thinking was getting him nowhere. He’d better forget about it and sink into a day of normal choring with people like… Alvin stopped himself again, but the thought wouldn’t leave.
Mildred glanced at him from across the back of the cows and smiled. “Stop thinking now!” she teased.
He looked at her and knew what he wanted. Stability. And there in front of his eyes was stability. Yah, there was no buzz or thrill or dream associated with Mildred, just plain old stability. Stability based on the farming life he’d grown up in. Here was a frau who fit into all he’d known in the community, who would be happy to live here with him, who knew how to work this life as her second nature.
Mildred offered all that to him. And she was serious. If he turned her love away now, there might never be another chance. What other girl in the community fit so well with what he was used to? Here was a frau who could cook, who overlooked his faults, who didn’t fight with him, who didn’t ask painful questions, and who hadn’t even brought up the fact this morning that he wouldn’t—couldn’t—go along with communion this fall.
Alvin swallowed hard and kept busy at his work. If he opened his heart to Mildred, he would have to give up Debbie. But hadn’t he already done that? Last night wouldn’t be an easy matter to repair. Debbie had overlooked so many of his failures already. He couldn’t ask her for more.
Mildred’s voice chirped beside him. “I know the real reason you want me to leave, Alvin.”
He didn’t answer for a moment, and then he gave in. “Okay, tell me.”
Her smile was bright. “So you can ask me home sometime in the future, when it’s decent of course. Now, with me here, it might not look right. You know what I mean.”
He didn’t answer so she continued. “It’s better if I go now, especially since word will soon get around about your breakup with Debbie. Then it won’t look like I had anything to do with it, which, of course, I didn’t. But you know how people go by how things look.” She paused for breath. “And, Alvin, I think that was a brave and self-sacrificing thing you did yesterday, staying back from communion, taking the blame for something that wasn’t your fault in the least.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” he muttered. “I had my share of the blame.”
She ignored his comment. “But am I right about why you want me to leave?”
He hadn’t quite thought it through yet, but that theory did make sense. It would give him the time to think things out, and Mildred would wait for him until he was ready. “Well, just so you know, I’m not doing anything soon.” He gave her a sharp glance.
She giggled. “Oh, Alvin! That’s all I need to know!” She clasped her hands for a moment. “I’ll be out of here tomorrow. And I will wait, Alvin, until you think a decent time has passed. I’m just so happy I’ll have a chance to correct that awful mistake from my youth. What a fool I was to drop you like that, thinking I was better than you were. I’m so sorry, Alvin. Can you really forgive me?”
He allowed a grin to creep over his face. “I forgave you a long time ago, Mildred. But please understand, I’m not making any promises.”
“You don’t have to,” she said, radiant with joy. “This is all I need to know for now. I’m going home and praying like I’ve never prayed before that the time will be short until you ask me home, Alvin.”
The next thought hit Alvin like a ton of bricks. It would be so very easy to end his torture right now. Wasn’t it true that Mildred represented all he expected—and all he deserved from life? Wasn’t it obvious now that Da Hah had brought Mildred here for the very purpose that now lay before him? Yah, it was surely so. Why spend more months in agony over this? Nee, the tho
ught of continued uncertainty was like a knife in his heart. He would do this and do it now. He stepped out from behind the cow and approached Mildred.
“Well…” he reached for her with both hands. “Do you…want to… I mean…”
She hesitated. “Do what?”
“Do you… want to… wed me this fall?” he squeaked out the words.
“You are asking me to be your frau?” Her voice squeaked.
“Yah!” Why hadn’t he taken this step a long time ago? “Will you say the wedding vows with me, Mildred? Come live on this farm? Take care of Mamm for us? Work with me?”
She leaped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Of course I will, Alvin! You know I will!”
“This fall yet?”
“Yah, this fall. We’ll make it happen, Alvin. Whatever it takes. My parents will help, and I’m sure your daett won’t object. If we work fast, we can get it in for the last week of November. The Schrocks can do it, Alvin.”
He pulled her close. “Then let’s do it.”
She looked up into his face. “Kiss me, Alvin. Kiss me like you wanted to kiss me behind the schoolhouse that long ago day and I wouldn’t let you. Show me you’ve accepted my apology.”
He didn’t move for a moment as he remembered that day. That was a time he’d blocked from his memory. The shame of it had been too great. He’d finally gathered up enough nerve to linger after school on a day Mildred had to stay late to finish an assignment. It had happened near the end of their eighth school year. In his mind she’d grown more beautiful each day while he seemed headed in the other direction—clumsy and full of stammers. But he’d finally worked up the nerve and reached for her hand when she came around the corner of the schoolhouse. Then her scorn and her rapid rush to leave had burned deeper than even he had ever acknowledged.
He dropped his gaze to her eyes now—her deep-brown eyes that contained all the memories of those long ago days.
Her mouth moved. “I love you, Alvin, with all my heart. I’ll always be yours.”
He closed his eyes and pulled her close. He allowed the years to wash away as he tasted her lips. He was young again. He dared again. He was accepted again. And above all he belonged here—in her arms.
Long moments later, he pulled back. “Well, was that showing you enough?”
She nodded and her cheeks flamed. “We’ll make this wedding happen, Alvin. If we have to wed with only the bishop there.”
He laughed. “In the meantime, these cows want out of here.”
She joined his laughter. “Then let them go, and we’ll finish the chores. After that, you’re coming over for breakfast. We have much to tell your daett and mamm.”
He nodded but didn’t trust his speech right now. This had happened so fast, but it felt so right. It would put to an end his misery. Mildred as his frau would keep him close to the earth, and she would bear him children, like his mamm had borne for his daett. And they would be the people they were meant to be.
Debbie would find someone who fit her so much better than he ever would have. Yah, she deserved someone better. And Da Hah willing, she would now be free to find that someone better. Alvin sent a smile toward Mildred, who glowed almost as bright as the sun peeking above the horizon.
Twenty-Seven
Debbie tiptoed down the stairs in the predawn darkness. Emery’s footsteps had gone past her bedroom door moments ago, and she could hear Ida stir in her room behind her. The Beiler household had awakened on this Wednesday morning—a day Verna was due to visit and maybe even Lois would drop by.
Saloma had mentioned this last night with a wistful tone. She missed Lois more than she admitted. With only a little more than two weeks before Ida’s wedding, the Beiler family had allowed Lois to help with the food. It seemed strange that she should help given that her family hadn’t attended her own wedding, but then that was the Amish for you. Debbie rubbed her head. She too might someday struggle to accept her parents’ absence at her wedding, should they refuse to attend.
Debbie squeezed her forehead as a stab of pain ran through her. Why was she thinking of her own wedding? Maybe from some ingrained instinct in all women to dream and long for that special day. Well, her hopes on that score had been dashed on Sunday evening. After that initial crying spell on the couch after Alvin left, a faint hope had stirred in Debbie. But when morning arrived, there had been nothing but a dull ache. She knew. Yah, this was the end of the road for them. Should she tell Saloma and Ida? Not if it would spoil their joy over Ida’s wedding. But perhaps she’d spill to Verna today while they cleaned upstairs. She’d weep on Verna’s sympathetic shoulder. But no, that was unlikely. She would rather climb in a hole and never come out again. Any further indulgence of her emotions was a waste of time.
Debbie groaned and pushed open the stair door to step into the living room. It was dark with only a dim light from the kitchen doorway splashing across the floor. When she walked in, Saloma greeted her with a cheery, “Gut morning!”
“Gut morning,” Debbie managed to return. Saloma had made sure everyone was in bed by ten o’clock last night so everyone would have plenty of sleep. Still Saloma must have noticed the circles around Debbie’s eyes.
“Didn’t sleep well?” Saloma asked.
“No.” Debbie put her hand to her aching head. “But don’t worry about me. I’m good to go.”
“You can help chore this morning,” Saloma offered. “Sometimes the fresh air is just what one needs to clear a headache.”
Debbie glanced up. “You can handle the kitchen by yourself?”
Saloma’s bright smile faded a bit. “We might as well get used to it. The wedding will be soon enough, and then there’s only you and me.”
“That’s true,” Debbie said as she headed to the washroom to pull on her boots and overcoat. Truth be told, she still preferred the barn chores to food preparation.
Debbie pushed open the outer door to take in deep breaths of the cool morning air. It did help, she thought. At least a little. Hopefully it would also clear out thoughts of Alvin, but that was perhaps too optimistic. Alvin wasn’t something she could sweep out the door like the dirt Emery tracked in from the barn. Alvin was a decent human being and would have made a gut husband. Why he thought their love was only a fascination, she had no idea. Wasn’t that how love began at times? She knew that her attraction for him had been pure on those days she used to drive past his place and catch glimpses of him at work in the fields.
Debbie paused for a moment to take in the great sweep of the stars overhead. The early dawn had begun to lighten the eastern sky and sent streaks of red and orange heavenward. She had so much she could be thankful for, she told herself, even in her sorrow. Here she was, a real Amish girl, at home in the bishop’s household. She got to help with the chores and join the family around the breakfast table afterward.
Alvin hadn’t taken any of that away. And he couldn’t. She had accomplished those cherished goals on her own—aims that had been hers since childhood. And Alvin hadn’t been among those goals, not back then. Sure, she had driven past his place all those times and had been drawn to him. But she’d always insisted that Alvin was separate from her desire to join the Amish. And nothing had ever happened to persuade her otherwise. She’d continued that journey while Alvin had spent time in the Englisha world in Philadelphia. And she would continue now. It wasn’t some harsh determination of her mind, but a simple walk onward in the life she knew God had for her. If Alvin chose not to accompany her, that was his choice. Life would go on. Was that not the Amish way?
It was, Debbie told herself with one more quick glance up at the twinkling stars. She must not hold this against Alvin. But there she went again. She couldn’t make logical sense out of this. Maybe what she needed was a good meltdown, complete with stomping feet and screams that echoed toward the retreating stars. A smile stole across Debbie’s face. At least she could still laugh at herself. Maybe there was hope that she could heal…in the future. Right now it sure did
n’t feel like it. Debbie pushed open the barn door and squinted in the light of the gas lantern.
“I see sleepy-eyes is up,” Emery teased.
Debbie stuck out her tongue at him.
Emery roared with laughter as he rushed off with milk buckets in his hands.
At least she supplied humor for someone, Debbie thought. Emery was a sweet man, that much was for sure. Which was no doubt why Crystal Meyers wanted to sink her claws into him. The woman continued to attend the Sunday services, and she was eyeing Emery in particular—discreetly, of course. No one else seemed to notice. Not that she should think such awful thoughts about another human being, but it was true. She knew her own world. To Crystal, Emery was a dream. He was solid. He worked hard. He was faithful and steady. Emery looked like a vision, especially after Crystal’s breakup with her husband.
Debbie shook her head. She shouldn’t be worrying about Emery. He hadn’t responded to Crystal’s attentions that she knew of, and hopefully things would stay that way. And perhaps there was something she could do. At least, she could watch for chances to influence Emery away from any fascination with Crystal. Maybe Alvin had been right about the way some Amish men felt toward Englisha women.
Debbie jumped when Ida came through the barn door and greeted her with a happy “Gut morning! What’s up?”
Debbie painted on a bright smile. “Gut morning. Your brother’s teasing me.”
Ida laughed. “I do declare that’s one thing I’m going to miss about being home. Emery’s teasing—or rather his teasing you. You seem to bring that side out of him.”
Debbie smiled. “Emery is a gut man. Now if we could only persuade him to marry a decent Amish woman. But I’m afraid I’ve been of little help in that area…” I can’t even keep my love life on the tracks, almost slipped out.
Ida stared at the milk-house door for a moment. “It’s not your fault. None of us can do much either.”
“I’m afraid not.” Debbie sighed.
“We must pray,” Ida said with resolve. “Sometimes that’s all one can do.”
Finding Love at Home (The Beiler Sisters) Page 18