The sun was just beginning to dip toward the west as Ciara drove to Heidi’s house, her heart pounding as she tried to work out the right thing to say.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” she said to the stoplight up ahead. “I was selfish and cruel, and I didn’t think about the effect my actions would have. I know you must be very mad at me, and I will do anything I can to make it up to you. I hope that someday we can be friends again.”
The stoplight turned green, which she took as a good sign, as if it were giving her the go-ahead not just in traffic, but in her friendship as well.
Lights blazed in the windows of Heidi’s house as Ciara pulled into the driveway, and she could smell the rich garlicky scent of lasagna spilling out the kitchen window.
“Heidi’s in her room,” her mom said when Ciara stepped into the kitchen. She looked just like Ciara remembered her, although her hair was a bit shorter and flecked by more gray. “Should I tell her you’re here?”
“If it’s all right, I’d like to just go up,” Ciara said. If Heidi’s mom announced that she was here, Heidi might just ask her to tell Ciara to go away.
“Go on,” her mom said warmly. “I’d ask you to stay for dinner, but I think Heidi’s going out.”
“That’s cool.” Ciara’s heart beat faster as she headed slowly up the stairs. Was the speech she’d prepared dumb? Would Heidi forgive her? She could hear Kelly Clarkson blasting from Heidi’s room—“Since U Been Gone.” Heidi was singing along with feeling, and Ciara’s stomach flopped. Was she singing about AJ—or her? She knocked lightly on the door.
“I’ll be down in a minute, Mom!” Heidi called.
“Um, Heidi?” Ciara said. Her voice sounded shaky in her ears. “It’s not your mom. It’s me. Ciara.”
“Go away!” Heidi screamed. “I don’t want to talk to you, and I don’t forgive you.”
“Can we please talk?” Ciara couldn’t believe she was begging, but she was. She told herself it was worth it.
“No!” Heidi yelled back. “I have a date with a cute guy tonight, and I don’t want you stealing him too.”
Ouch. That stung. A lot. She wondered if she should just turn around and go home—if Heidi was going to throw jabs like that at her, maybe she shouldn’t even bother. But she reminded herself that Heidi had a right to be mad. If a friend had done to her what she did to Heidi, she’d be throwing barbs too.
Ciara took a deep breath. She had to keep trying. “Heidi, I’m really, really sorry,” she called through the door. “I know I hurt you, and I didn’t mean to. I just…I…”
She’d forgotten her speech. She felt a lump rise in her throat and begged herself not to cry. “I just want to keep being your friend,” she said.
She wasn’t even sure Heidi could hear her, but a moment later, the music stopped and the door opened. Heidi stared out at her, a scowl on her face. She had toned down the makeup and was wearing natural-looking eye shadow and a touch of lip gloss with a plain white turtleneck tank top and a hip pair of Seven jeans.
“Look, I’m still really mad at you, and I don’t forgive you,” Heidi said. “What you did was really slimy and underhanded, and I don’t think I can trust you anymore.”
“I know.” Ciara looked down at the thick mauve carpeting on the hallway floor, unable to meet Heidi’s eyes. “It’s just…like, my parents just got a divorce and my mom was messing around and I’ve been trying to pretend it didn’t bother me, but maybe it did more than I thought and now…well, I guess I’ve just been lashing out at everyone. Especially you. And I feel really bad, and I’m really sorry.”
She got up the courage to look back from the floor and into Heidi’s eyes, but Heidi didn’t seem to have melted.
“You may want to take a look at yourself and see who you’re really angry with,” she said quietly. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go meet someone.”
She brushed past Ciara and trotted down the stairs, leaving Ciara staring at her retreating back. She gulped hard, trying to force back tears, before following Heidi down the steps and out the door. Heidi was already getting into her car.
“Don’t you dare follow me,” she said, starting up the engine. “All I want is for you to leave me alone.”
“I’m sorry,” Ciara said again, but Heidi had already backed out of the driveway and was driving down the street. Feeling more defeated than she ever had in her life, Ciara got in her car and sat taking deep breaths, trying to keep the tears at bay. Then she turned the key, swung out onto the quiet suburban street, and headed home.
Chapter Eighteen
When I cry, you cry, we cry together
—Ja Rule
Ciara was so hysterical by the time she got home that her breath was coming in ragged, uneven gasps. All she wanted was to lock herself in her room, listen to something sad and slow like Norah Jones, and crawl under the covers. She didn’t care that it wasn’t even nine yet—she was ready to go to sleep and forget everything. Maybe things would be better when she woke up. Somehow, she doubted it.
She was about to pull into the driveway when she noticed her mom’s black Eclipse parked on the street in front of her house. Great—on top of everything else, her mom had come to find her and torment her more. Ciara considered turning around and driving somewhere else, but she was too emotionally beat to even know where to go. The front door felt like a thousand pounds as she pushed it open and followed the sound of her father’s weary, serious voice to the kitchen. Two very familiar heads looked up at her, their voices suddenly shushed. Ciara realized with a start that it was the first time she had seen her parents in the same room in several months.
“Hi, Mom,” Ciara said dully.
Her dad motioned for her to come and sit with them at the kitchen table. She suddenly felt the way she had when she was five years old and her parents came home from a movie to find the babysitter freaking out and Ciara drawing all over the walls with crayons. She reluctantly took a seat and looked from one parent to the other. This time, she saw the lines around both of their eyes, the ghosts of gray streaking through her dad’s hair as well as the aggressive black covering her mom’s aging roots. Both of them looked tired, confused, and sad.
“Ciara,” her dad began. “Your mom says you told her today at lunch that you’re planning on staying here in Santa Barbara this fall. Is that true?”
Ciara’s head began to spin. She’d been so busy focusing on her love drama and friend drama, she’d practically forgotten about paying attention to her family drama as well. Now it was all blowing up in her face. There was no way they’d let her stay here. It was a dumb idea in the first place.
Besides, with the way things were going with her only friends in Santa Barbara, she wasn’t even sure she wanted to stay. Things might be simpler if she just returned to LA and never had to face AJ, Heidi, Marlene, or Kevin ever again. At the same time, just the thought made her stomach hurt.
“I was thinking about it,” she said lamely, looking at the wood grain on the tabletop.
“You never told me that,” her father said.
“I wanted to surprise you.” Her voice sounded very, very small.
“Well, you sure have done that,” her dad said. “Listen, we want you to be happy. So if what you really want is to stay here with me, we’ll give the matter very careful consideration.”
“But I’ll miss you a lot,” her mom said wistfully.
“Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you betrayed my trust,” Ciara countered.
Her mom gasped, then put her head in her hands and began crying softly. When she looked up again, her cheeks were streaked with mascara and tears. She wasn’t beautiful or glamorous when she cried. She was just a woman whose own daughter didn’t trust her anymore.
“And you.” Ciara turned on her dad. “You divorced Mom because she cheated on you, but you told me it was because the two of you were just growing apart. Why didn’t you tell the truth?”
Her father’s face drooped. “I guess it�
��s because we didn’t want you putting all the blame on your mom,” he said finally. “Truthfully, we really were growing apart. For several years now, we just didn’t feel the same togetherness that we used to. You know we got married when we were very young. We had a rich life together for a long time, but after a while, it wasn’t the same. We started wanting different things out of life, and we realized we weren’t compatible anymore.”
It was almost exactly what her mom had said at lunch. Still…
“That doesn’t give you an excuse to cheat!” Ciara said to her mom.
“I know,” her mom whimpered, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.
Ciara looked wildly toward her dad, but he was shaking his head. “We just weren’t happy together anymore,” he said. “Your mom’s affair was the catalyst we needed to let us know we had to end things.”
“But how could you have hurt Dad like that?” Ciara asked, her voice rising until she sounded nearly hysterical. “There’s no excusing or justifying that—it was just an awful, low, sleazy thing to do. How am I supposed to respect you after that?”
“Haven’t you ever made a mistake?” her mom asked quietly through her tears. Then she got up, pushing her chair back so that it screeched unbearably on the tile floor, and ran toward the door.
“Maria, wait,” her dad called, but the door had already swung shut. A moment later, they heard the car start up and her mom burning rubber, trying to get out of there as quickly as possible.
Ciara’s heart sank. She hadn’t meant to hurt her mom—and she hadn’t meant to hurt Heidi, either. Her mom’s words rang in her ears. Of course she had made mistakes. She’d made the biggest mistake of her life that very summer, screwing over her friend to try and get a guy. Even when you tried really hard and your intentions were good and you thought you were doing the right thing, it sometimes turned out to be wrong. That’s what had happened with Operation Woo-ha. Maybe that was what had happened with her mother and Clyde too.
She took a deep breath. She didn’t want to cry.
Her dad got up and came around to the chair next to her, pulling it up beside her and putting his arm over her shoulders. “What your mom did hurt everyone in this family, including her,” he continued. “But I’ve forgiven her, and she’s on the road to forgiving herself.”
“Does that mean you’re getting back together?” Ciara asked. To her shock, her voice was filled with hope. She had never been able to pretend, even to herself, that was what she really wanted. Suddenly, she realized that she wanted it more than anything. She would have given up all the boys in the world just to be a family again.
“I’m sorry, baby,” her dad said quietly. His voice sounded choked as well. “That can’t happen. There’s too much water under the bridge for us to make it work. But we can still forgive each other and get on with our lives. And we can still admit that the people closest to us have the most power to hurt us—and that it’s okay to admit that it hurts.”
Ciara lost it. She was crying. Tears spilled out onto the coffee table, and her dad wordlessly handed her a napkin, which she quickly soaked.
“Shhh.” He put his arms around her and rocked her gently back and forth as she cried. “I know it’s hard, sweetie, but it’s going to get better. You’ll see. Everything’s going to be all right.”
Ciara cried and cried. It wasn’t just because she had spent the whole summer so far wanting the wrong guy and hurting her friend, only to realize too late what it was that she actually wanted. For the first time since they announced they were going to split, Ciara was crying over her parents’ divorce. Those tears had been bottled up for a long time, and she knew it was going to take a solid crying jag for her to get them all out.
“Don’t worry,” her dad said, as if reading her mind. “You can cry for as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.”
Chapter Nineteen
I’m sorry, sorry that I made you cry
Sorry, sorry that I told you lies
—Stevie Wonder
The lunch rush at the beach club café was in full swing, and sweat trickled down the back of Ciara’s uniform shirt as she rushed around with glasses of club soda and plates of poached salmon with dill sauce, trying to keep her mind as much as possible on her job and as little as possible on the mess her life had become.
It wasn’t working so well. Even as she took a table’s order, her mind raced over the events from the past few days. Her parents had given her a deadline on a very important decision: she had until the weekend to decide whether she was going to move back to LA to live with her mom or stay in Santa Barbara with her dad, and even though she’d made up more than a dozen pro-and-con lists, Ciara still couldn’t decide what to do. Maybe it would be easier to make that decision if her friends were talking to her, but Heidi was still giving her the cold shoulder, and it seemed like every time she called Kevin, he was hanging out with Marlene. Even when she phoned Em back in LA, she was so excited in the planning of Tim’s upcoming surprise birthday party and how much she’d need her help to pull it off that Ciara hadn’t even mentioned she was thinking of relocating seventy miles up the coast.
“I’m sorry,” Ciara whispered to Heidi as she bustled past her carrying a tray of dirty dishes. She had taken to saying it just like that, under her breath, every time Heidi walked by. So far, it hadn’t worked—Heidi was ignoring her more than ever—but Ciara figured maybe the repetition would eventually wear her down to the point where she’d be willing to talk. She wanted Heidi to forgive her. As much as the tortured chats about AJ had annoyed her throughout the summer, she realized she missed all the laughing and girlie confessions.
Sure enough, Heidi didn’t turn around. Ciara took her next table’s order and returned to the kitchen, where Heidi was just emerging with a tray of garden salads.
“Sorry!” Ciara said again, a little louder. Heidi tilted her chin in the air away from Ciara and picked up the pace, walking away as fast as her sneakers would carry her.
Ciara sighed and dropped off her order in the window leading to the kitchen.
“You girls having a fight or something?” It was John, the manager. He leaned with his elbow against the wall, his forehead wrinkled with concern.
“Yeah,” Ciara said glumly. “It was my fault. I keep trying to tell her I’m sorry, but she won’t listen. If you happen to see her, will you tell her I’m sorry too?”
John patted her shoulder comfortingly. “I sure will. Hope everything works out.”
Ciara gave him a wan smile before rushing out to the cluster of tables again. She could hear someone over by the railing calling her. “Miss! Excuse me, miss!”
When she returned to the small indoor area, she saw that Heidi was deep in conversation with John, their heads bent close together at the kitchen window. John was gesturing animatedly with his fingers while Heidi bit her lip and nodded. Ciara’s stomach tightened into a small tight ball of dread. She didn’t want Heidi forgiving her because their boss had told her to. She wanted Heidi to want to forgive her as much as she wanted to be forgiven.
Heidi and John disengaged, and Heidi passed her on the way back out to the deck. “I’m sorry!” Ciara whispered again, this time more out of habit than anything else. To her surprise, Heidi’s stony expression faltered for just a moment. Her lips spread a few millimeters wider than normal in what might have been the tiniest smile in the history of facial expressions. But it was a smile nonetheless. Ciara’s heart soared. Was she finally getting closer to victory?
As the lunch rush slowed down and the crowd of diners on the deck gradually thinned, Ciara found she was getting more and more of a reaction from Heidi each time she whispered what had become her standard greeting. Heidi had gone from looking away from her to letting that tiny smile play over her lips longer and longer each time. Ciara sensed that she was near the breaking point.
She had an idea. She rushed into the kitchen, grabbed a piece of bread, and threw it in the toaster.
&nb
sp; “Making yourself a snack?” asked Pablo, the head chef.
Ciara shook her head. “Something even more important,” she said. When the toast was a golden brown, she found a can of bright yellow spray cheese and carefully wrote sorry in goopy orange script across the bread’s surface. It wasn’t the neatest print job ever, but she was sure that Heidi would have no trouble reading what it said. If this didn’t work, she had no idea what would.
Heidi had taken a seat at one of the tables just inside the door and was stretching her legs by flexing and pointing her toes.
“I thought you might be hungry,” Ciara said, putting a plate with the apologetic toast down in front of her.
“I’m not,” Heidi said curtly. “So you can just…”
Her words trailed off as her eyes strayed to the writing on the toast. An odd little explosion seemed to happen behind her face—her skin was suddenly very pink and her chin began to shake, followed by her shoulders.
“Dammit, Ciara!” she finally said before exploding into laughter that bounced all over the room, out the door, and around the weathered wooden deck. She picked up the piece of toast, looked at it, and began to laugh again.
“Actually, I am kind of hungry,” she said, biting into it. A small yellow blob of spray cheese settled into the corner of her lip, and she wiped it away with her finger before looking at Ciara. “Okay, I get it already. You wanna talk? Fine, let’s talk.”
She stood up and began heading to the door, Ciara following closely behind. They walked down the steps leading to the beach, and Ciara bent to remove her socks and sneakers, letting the warm sand scratch comfortingly at the bottoms of her feet. Now that she finally had Heidi’s attention, would she even know what to say?
They got almost down to the surf line before turning to each other. “So…,” they began at the same time. They stopped, looked at each other, and laughed nervously. Heidi stared out at the flat blue horizon line of the ocean, and Ciara took a deep breath, ready to launch into her speech, even though she couldn’t really remember it.
The Perfect Boy Page 15