by Jenny Colgan
JENNY COLGAN
Looking for Andrew McCarthy
Dedication
This book is dedicated to the girls I first watched these films with, particularly Queen Margaret’s finest: Katrina McCormack, Karen Murphy and Alison Woodall. (I was going to include some Nightmare on Elm Street stuff, but I reckoned we’d get too frightened.)
Epigraph
The passion runs deep.
Strapline, St Elmo’s Fire, 1985
The laughter. The lovers. The friends. The fights.
The talk. The hurt. The jealousy. The passion. The pressure.
The real world.
Strapline, Pretty in Pink, 1986
Bernie’s back – and he’s still dead!
Strapline, Weekend at Bernie’s II, 1993
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Chapter 1: Less Than Zero
Chapter 2: Absolute Beginners
Chapter 3: The Breakfast Club
Chapter 4: The Sure Thing
Chapter 5: Footloose
Chapter 6: Pretty in Pink
Chapter 7: Say Anything
Chapter 8: Planes, Trains & Automobiles
Chapter 9: Dangerous Liaisons
Chapter 10: Big
Chapter 11: Licence to Drive
Chapter 12: Adventures in Babysitting
Chapter 13: The Lost Boys
Chapter 14: Some Kind of Wonderful
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Praise
Also by the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
Less Than Zero
‘HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!’
Simple Minds. Ellie nudged it up with her foot, still concentrating on whitening up an extremely old pair of stilettos, and joined in with gusto.
‘Wooohhwoooahh!’
The phone rang and she turned the music down reluctantly.
‘Hedgehog!’
‘Oh, hi Dad.’
‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!’
‘Yes, yes, yes.’ Ellie tried to sound embarrassed, but was actually pleased.
‘Did you like your present then?’
‘Dad, it’s a beret.’
‘It’ll come in handy, though, won’t it? For skating?’
Ellie hadn’t been skating with her father for sixteen years.
‘Uh, yeah.’
‘So, are you all set for tonight then?’
Ellie looked around the room. One of the problems of having an eighties party, she mused, was not quite having the resources to rip out your entire flat and redesign it to look like the set of Dynasty. So she’d hung lots of old Brat Pack and Duran Duran posters on the wall, left lots of Jackie annuals lying about and bought a bunch of pink and black striped napkins. Later on, she was planning on spraying around some Anaïs Anaïs.
‘Hmm, pretty much,’ she said.
‘Is Julia coming?’
Ellie raised her eyes to heaven. ‘Dad, she’s my best friend. Of course she’s coming.’
‘I bet she’ll look nice.’
‘Yes, well, I think it’s enough every male my own age I’ve ever known fancying Julia without you as well, okay?’
She could hear her dad shrug over the phone.
‘She’s very pretty.’
‘Dad, you’ve know her since she was five. Stop being disgusting.’
Ellie stared in the mirror next to the phone and squinted at herself, trying to see if she could get her hair to lie down simply by leaving her hand on it for a long time. Ellie didn’t quite fit into the ‘very pretty’ category. She might make ‘very perky’ on a good day, with her ridiculously curly hair, which went in every direction, snub nose, and generous sprinkling of freckles. At least her eyes were nearly black, usually with mischief.
‘Yes, well,’ he said, changing the subject. ‘Thirty, eh, darling? Leaving your wild, carefree youth behind you.’
Ellie contemplated a much-loved picture of Limahl and wondered if her youth had been quite wild and carefree enough.
‘Ehm … something like that,’ she said, trying to manipulate sellotape, poster and phone at the same time. ‘I stole a traffic cone once. Anyway. What did you do for your thirtieth birthday?’
‘Don’t you remember, Hedgehog?’ he said. ‘You were the one who wouldn’t stop biting the waitress.’
‘I was there?’
‘There? You were practically at school. Couldn’t go back for another black forest gateau for years. Then we went to the garden centre in the afternoon and you weed behind the fountain.’
‘That sounds terrible,’ said Ellie, glancing at the piles of old twelve inch Howard Jones singles she was planning to use as the major form of entertainment.
‘No, actually, it was lovely,’ her father said, nostalgically.
Ellie examined her face in the mirror again. It was a Nik Kershaw one she’d found at a boot sale.
‘Wrinkles and freckles? That can’t be right, surely,’ she thought to herself.
‘Huh?’ she said.
‘Nothing. Just have a nice time.’
‘I will. I’m just going to pick Billy up from his rehearsal.’
‘Oh, right.’ Her dad conveyed by those two simple words exactly what he thought of Billy, Ellie’s latest paramour. Ellie thought it was because he played saxophone in a band. In fact, it was because her dad had been a policeman for thirty-five years, and had a pretty good idea what a rogue looked like.
‘Okay. See you soon.’
‘See you soon, darling.’ He paused. ‘And – have a happy birthday, sweetheart. You know? I just want you to be happy.’
‘Now what the hell did he mean by that?’ thought Ellie to herself, instantly upset as soon as she put the phone down. She started unpacking the bags of Wham bars, Spangles and Space Dust and gazed at the dusty box of Bezique she’d extracted from a rather shocked looking off-licence assistant.
‘I’m completely happy,’ she thought to herself. Particularly now she’d bribed her evil landlord with several boxes of nasty cheap continental lager to get himself out the house.
She hauled herself out into the chilly October air to head round the corner to Wandsworth Town Hall where Billy would be making a racket and pretending to be Steve Norman. She dug her hands deep into the pockets of her duffel coat.
‘I am happy,’ she thought. ‘Well, apart from my job, which is shit. And the flat of course. Which is also shit.’
She turned the corner. ‘And I’m having a party. And I have a cake in the shape of Dangermouse.’
‘Bought by me for myself,’ she thought.
She marched up the steps of the town hall. There were no wailing noises, which was unusual, but she knew where the rehearsal rooms were.
‘And all my friends will be there.’
She pushed open the door.
‘And I guess they’ll buy me lots of knick-knacky things.’
She entered the room fully.
‘Oh SHIT,’ she yelled, as Billy leapt up from the near-prone position where he’d plainly been snogging the dumpy trombonist.
‘Fuck! I’m MISERABLE!’
Julia’s hand was sore from knocking on the newly stripped pine bathroom door. She sighed and tugged at her nasty nylon shirt with the pussycat bow rather self-consciously. Ellie was on the other side of the door, and she had locked it and pushed a cupboard in front of it.
‘Hedgehog! Please come out! You can’t have a tantrum on your birthday!’
From behind the door came muffled noise. Julia leaned in to hear.
‘Yes, well, let’s just forget ages four, six and eight
through eleven for now, shall we?’ she said, and sighed again. She gazed through the doorway into the living room. It actually looked pretty ratty, with the basic Ikea covered over in old posters, and two Cabbage Patch dolls posed to look as though they were having sex forming a centrepiece. The Psychedelic Furs were playing.
There were, Julia often reflected, two ways to deal with someone who, on the day in Year One when the photographer comes from the local paper and everyone is scrubbed, brushed, plaited and ironed to the nines, stands next to you and jams their pencil in your thigh so that there are twenty-seven angelic grins in the official 1975 Year One photograph of St Joseph Xaviers, and one agonized grimace. You either never speak to them again and secretly break all their pencils, or you give up and become their best friend, whilst learning to accept a certain amount of unpredictability into your life.
She smoothed down the ridiculous blouse, in which she was actually managing to look quite chic, and knocked again. ‘I’ve fixed Pass the Parcel!’ she said. ‘Second verse of “Never Ending Story!” Just hang on in there!’
There was silence from beyond the door. The front doorbell rang and Julia stomped off to open it.
‘Hello darling,’ said Arthur, kissing her on both cheeks and swanning in stylishly as usual. ‘You smell nice. I thought I’d come early.’
‘God, am I glad you did,’ said Julia with clear relief, indicating the bathroom door. Arthur was handsome, charming, kind and everyone was in love with him. He was also so gay you could bounce him like a basketball. He put down a gift and a bottle of champagne and went over to the bathroom.
‘No, really?’
Julia nodded. ‘Disappeared in there with a bottle of wine to get ready. Two hours ago.’
‘Huh, I don’t know why she’s so bothered. It’s only thirty. That’s, like, seventy in gay years.’
‘Oh, yeah, where is Colin?’
‘I left him tied up outside. Come on, darling, what’s the matter?’ Arthur hollered through the door. ‘I don’t know what you’ve got to complain about. I caught Colin eating from the sugar bowl again.’
‘I don’t know why you don’t just get a dog,’ said Julia. ‘Be a lot easier.’
‘But he’s so cute.’
‘Yeah, and wait to see how cute he is with worms.’
‘Come on missus!’ Arthur banged the door again. ‘There’s presents out here.’
‘Why aren’t you dressing up?’ said Julia, rummaging in her old make up kit for a blue eyeliner pencil.
‘I am,’ said Arthur, lifting his Tom Ford shirt to show a quick flash of an old “Frankie Says Relax” t-shirt. ‘That’s as far as I can go. Anything more eighties brings me out in a rash. I call it Banarama-isus.’
‘Ah,’ said Julia wisely as, through the open front door, she spotted a couple heading up the pathway of the run-down South London terrace. ‘Who’s that coming?’
Arthur peered over her shoulder.
‘I don’t know. Who else has been invited?’
‘Not sure. Ellie went through all her old address books and asked everyone she’s ever met in an attempt to have a big bouncing birthday party.’
A rather ascetic-looking young man and his even more disinfected-looking girlfriend stood nervously on the doorstep clutching a gift wrapped in a Body Shop bag.
‘Hello there!’ said Julia brightly. The couple smiled nervously.
‘… and you are?’
‘Ehm, Hi. Yeah. I’m Ellie’s chiropodist?’ said the awkward looking man. Behind them, alighting stodgily from a taxi, were two more people, who looked middle-aged unless you peered very very closely.
‘I can’t believe she invited George and Annabel,’ Arthur whispered to Julia.
‘I can’t believe I gave her free access to her own address book.’
Annabel was truly dressed up for the nineteen eighties only in as far as she hadn’t changed her style in her whole life. Her pearls smacked gently off her upturned blue-striped collar as she leaned in to try her hand at the bathroom door of fear.
‘Darling, do come out. I’ve got to tell you the hilarious thing George did at the golf club dinner.’
Annabel and George had been together since college and had married immediately after it, which surprised no-one as they’d both looked forty-five on the day they’d turned up for fresher’s week. He did the bad dad jokes, she did the baking, and they had been the first to buy a flat, settle down and start complaining about parking in garden centres on Sunday afternoons.
‘I brought some home made hors d’oeuvres!’
The chiropodist appeared to be picking up the cheese and sniffing it.
‘Where’s Billy?’ said Arthur, helping himself to a glass of wine, seeing as the party seemed likely to continue hostess-free.
‘Aha,’ said Julia. ‘That kind of explains the bathroom. They’ve had a little contretemps.’
‘Good.’ said Arthur. ‘Too much saxophone playing. I hope they split up: when you say their names together it sounds like Canterbury Cathedral.’
‘No,’ said Julia. ‘She caught him getting off with a trombonist. Apparently they do amazing things with their lips …’
‘Oh dear,’ said Arthur. ‘Things are bad. If this really was the nineteen eighties, we’d have to give her a makeover.’
Ellie was sitting on the linen basket feeling utterly disconsolate and kicking her white-stockinged toes in the air. The problem about having a huff was it was kind of difficult to know when to stop. She could hear signs of activity outside and knew she ought to go and face them all, but instead she was back looking in the mirror at the amount of polka-dotted lace she’d tied through her curly black hair and thinking, ‘thirty!’ Okay. Relax. She was fine. She wasn’t unhappy. Okay. So she was living with the biggest bastard landlord this side of China. And she had a job which involved a mind boggling amount of paper shifting to no apparent end. And Billy. She didn’t even want to think about him. Okay, so he hadn’t been absolutely ideal – he worked all night and slept all day and wasn’t even anything cool like a vampire – and, okay, his hair was a bit on the mullety side, but she didn’t mind that particularly. But no. He still had to go and bag off with someone who looked like she carried around two ping pong balls in her cheeks. Was this fair? She rubbed roughly at a stubborn tear which had forced its way through several layers of Barry M crème eyeliner.
How on earth could she go out there? Half of her guests she didn’t even know. With a wince of embarrassment she remembered that she’d invited the postman. And, yet again, another birthday without a word from her mother, which made sixteen in all. She examined her eyes for wrinkles again and found plenty. ‘Not that it matters much from this point on,’ she thought gloomily. ‘It’s all downhill from here, fat arse.’
She touched up her beauty spot. Oh God. Maybe if she stayed in here all night they’d all go away.
‘Umm, hi,’ came a deep growly voice from the other side of the door. It was Loxy, Julia’s super-uxorious boyfriend.
‘Julia sent me over to … I don’t know what really. But here I am. And lots of other people are too. Happy birthday by the way.’
He coughed. Ellie closed her eyes. Loxy was lovely, and so in love with Julia it made Ellie want to puke.
‘So … Julia’s looking good, don’t you think? What are you wearing?’
Ellie glanced down at her hybrid 1984 Madonna/ Strawberry Switchblade/Cyndi Lauper outfit and winced a little. Perhaps it was a little bit over the top. She hoped everyone else was dressed up too. (This was to prove a vain hope, although the security guard from her office was wearing differently coloured neon socks, and her hairdresser’s assistant had got herself a wet look perm done specially).
Someone was singing about someone else being their favourite waste of time, and Julia glanced around the room. It had filled up quite nicely, although ‘Come Dressed for the Eighties,’ seemed to have been literally translated as ‘Well, In a Way Gap Did Actually Exist in the Eighties.’ There wasn’t a boile
r suit in sight, despite the pictures of Tony Hadley on the invites.
Siobhan and Patrick were in a mood with each other, not exactly unusual given that they’d been a couple for five years and were both chronic workaholics who’d forgotten how to spend any time together. Patrick was pushing the ironic flying saucer sweets in his mouth with the same relentless mechanical motion he used to sell bonds and, Julia suspected, make love. He was staring straight ahead looking mournful. Siobhan, on the other hand, had turned into a parody of someone trying to pretend she wasn’t in a mood with someone; circulating, flirting, laughing loudly. The joys of domesticity. Julia had never lived with anyone, not that Loxy ever stopped dropping hints; in fact, even now as she turned round from pouring wine (Annabel had taken over canapé distribution) he was hovering about worriedly and asking her if she wanted him to break the bathroom door down. Caroline Lafayette was banging on about her gap year in Tibet yet again, despite it being twelve years ago. Colin was hopping from foot to foot, obviously desperate for the toilet. Were all parties always crap, or just Ellie’s? Okay, that was it. She marched out to the bathroom.
‘Hedgehog!’ she yelled. ‘I’m bringing out the cake. Everyone is here. We’re going to sing happy birthday. You are going to come out and be nice. Or we’re going to … ehm. We’re going to tell your Big Bastard Landlord that you fancy him.’
‘How come,’ said Ellie through the door, ‘when Oscar the Grouch is in a bad mood everyone’s really sympathetic, but when it’s me I get dire threats?’
‘He’s cuter than you.’
‘He lives in a bin!’
‘Come on everyone!’ said Julia as Loxy came out of the kitchen with the Dangermouse cake. She started singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
People started to join in nervously, however just as they were getting going, the front door slammed open. Shadowed in the open doorway against the wet October evening, the light from the streetlamp bouncing off his face, clutching his saxophone and dripping onto the carpet stood Billy. He lifted the saxophone and started to play along. Slowly, very slowly, the handle of the bathroom door started to turn.