by Jenny Colgan
‘Yes,’ explained Big Bastard patiently. ‘But if I do what I want to do I get a curry and a shag, and if I go and look after him then I don’t get either of those two things. Well, I suppose I could pick up some curry on the way home.’
‘It’s okay,’ said Siobhan firmly, putting her hand on his trousers. ‘I’m sure he knows how to dial 999.’
Julia stalked back to the door of the pig tent, Andrew following her mildly.
‘How was it?’ he enquired when Arthur and Ellie emerged, hoping that no-one would notice anything amiss.
‘It wasn’t as much fun as I thought it would be,’ said Ellie. ‘Although I don’t know. Do you think it’s fun just lying around all day and eating straw in the dark?’
‘Have you started job hunting?’ said Arthur. ‘Because if you are, that sounds exactly like what my sister does in the civil service.’
‘We should press on,’ said Julia, stony-faced.
‘Oh!’ said Ellie. ‘I wanted to go on the Ferris!’
Julia ignored her. ‘Arthur, you come with me.’
And she turned and stalked out of the park. Arthur made a face then followed her. Ellie and Andrew looked at each other.
‘She’s gone looking for who?’ said the man in the cheap suit.
‘Umm … Andrew … Andrew McCarthy,’ said Colin, who hadn’t taken his eyes off his feet in the last half hour. ‘I’m hungry.’
‘Oh God – I used to love him,’ said the woman. Then she put her hand to her mouth. ‘I mean, oh, I see.’
‘Maybe we can work it out from there,’ said the man.
‘Oh, I’ll take that on,’ said the woman, too quickly. ‘I’ll get in touch with him and see if she’s been in contact …’ She went puce.
Loxy was kicking at stones. This was, after all, ridiculous. You didn’t go travelling away from someone you truly loved and barely phone them. Never even send them a postcard. That was like sending them a postcard – a postcard saying ‘I don’t give a flying toss about you’. That was what that was like.
Why should he wait for the inevitable? What should he do; go stand in the airport and wait for her? He felt tears welling up as he imagined her face coming out of arrivals. Compassionate, tender, sorry. Oh God. ‘Purple Rain’ was playing on his personal stereo and falling on his head.
He wasn’t going to stand for this. He was a man, wasn’t he? Well, wasn’t he? And you don’t let your woman kick you around like a complete fucking idiot. She was obviously up to it all over the place and he wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of winning the whole damn thing and blowing him off when she felt like it.
Although with all his heart, deep down, he didn’t really want to, he set course towards Siobhan’s house.
‘Ten dollars for the Lord’s work, ma’am?’ asked Ferenza as Ellie and Andrew walked out of the park, the dark bringing the first hint of autumn chill they’d felt since they got there.
‘I think not,’ said Ellie sceptically.
Ferenza looked downcast. ‘I actually meant, ten dollars so that Dubose and I can get a whopper?’
‘Oh,’ said Ellie, and handed over the money. ‘I thought whoppers were evil.’
Ferenza smiled, showing not-great teeth for an American. ‘Yeah, but nobody’s looking.’
Ellie sighed. ‘I thought not.’
Finally they were gone. Colin stuffed half a packet of Monster Munch into his mouth and, exhaling crumbs, staggered around the flat looking for Arthur’s address book and the A to Z. Carefully, he sat down and plotted the route to Siobhan’s house, his tongue protruding from the corner of his mouth. Then he picked up the map and crept out.
Loxy stood in the doorway brandishing the flowers and bottle of wine rather awkwardly. Dammit. Well, he’d show her. She wasn’t going to come back from America with some cowboy on her arm, while he was sitting there with a ring in his pocket like a complete prick. He rang the bell, with a sinking heart.
Siobhan opened the door, clad only in a Japanese kimono dressing gown. At seven o’clock in the evening. She looked extremely confused to see him.
‘Hi,’ said Loxy, holding out the flowers stiffly. ‘Thought I’d pop by.’
She looked at him for a long second.
‘Oh, fuck,’ said Siobhan.
Big Bastard lumbered out of the back room, a towel almost but not quite making it round his waist.
‘I knew it!’ he yelled, grinning broadly. ‘Everyone likes getting their cock bothered. Well, you’re too late. While the cat’s away, the mouse has been shagging. Or perhaps that should be tiger, eh darlin’?’
Siobhan buried her head in her hands and wished herself somewhere, anywhere, else. Maybe she should have gone to America with the rest of them? Then she could be stuffing herself on cheeseburgers and arguing with the Hedgehog at this very moment, rather than standing here in this bloody awkward ménage à trois.
‘Shame it’s all over with that Julia though,’ went on Big Bastard inexorably. ‘She were right tasty. And I thought you were going to get married and everything.’
Loxy visibly slumped until his whole body seemed to be pointing at the ground, including the flowers.
‘Sorry,’ he said gruffly. Which he was.
‘That’s okay,’ said Siobhan, feeling like the proverbial tart with a heart of gold.
‘Yeah, you missed out mate,’ said Big Bastard. Siobhan cringed and wondered how much of this kind of thing she was going to have to put up with, and what kind of person it made her when it turned her on.
‘I’d better be off, then.’
‘Can we have that bottle of wine?’ said Big Bastard. Loxy handed it over without a struggle and turned to walk away. As he did, a small figure came belting up the hill towards them. They watched it.
‘Isn’t that Colin?’ said Loxy, finally.
‘What’s he up to?’ said Siobhan. ‘Training for the egg and spoon?’
Colin’s face was creased with exhaustion by the time he reached them.
‘I have … I have …’he puffed.
‘Calm down,’ said Siobhan. ‘What is it?’
‘It’s pfff … it’s … people came and … wouldn’t let me have any food and …’ His bottom lip began to wobble uncontrollably. Siobhan looked around nervously wondering how she must appear to her neighbours.
‘Look. Colin. Do you want to come in and tell us what’s the matter?’
Colin nodded vehemently. He came through and Big Bastard and Siobhan turned into the house. After a moment’s pause, Loxy followed them in. Inside, Colin stared at Siobhan with wide eyes as she opened the wine.
‘You’ve got no clothes on!’ he said, pointing.
‘Yes I do, Colin, this is a dressing gown. Now, what is it?’
But he continued to stare, until she sighed, jumped up and went off to change into a T-shirt and jeans.
‘Now, what is it?’
Colin looked up at them, his large round eyes damp with tears.
‘These people came round …’
‘Yes?’
‘Was there a big detector van thingy outside?’ said Big Bastard.
Colin shook his head, then after a pause he choked, ‘It’s the Hedgehog … it’s her dad. Her dad. Her dad died. And they don’t know where she is.’
He burst into loud sobs. There was a long silence.
‘Aw, don’t cry for Christ’s sake,’ said Big Bastard finally, welling up. ‘It makes you look like a top of the roofter.’
‘It’s a beautiful evening,’ said Ellie, before she got back in the car, gazing behind them to the huge sunset throwing its rays across the fields.
‘Isn’t it,’ said Andrew, looking at Ellie.
The horn in front of them blew abruptly and they followed the little Toyota out onto the dusty road again.
Licence to Drive
Loxy, Siobhan and Big Bastard were staring at Colin in horror as they all sat cross-legged on the floor.
‘Just tell us everything the police said,’ Siobhan was
saying. She’d poured everyone a medicinal whisky and begged Big Bastard not to sit in a towel with his legs open – to no avail.
Colin hadn’t quite regained control of himself, and sniffed loudly.
‘Something … something about getting her tonsils out.’
‘Her tonsils out?’
‘But the Hedgehog’s already had her tonsils out,’ said Siobhan, thinking back to college. ‘That’s when she first moved to a primarily ice-cream based diet.’
‘That’s what the man said,’ sniffed Colin. ‘They had to get in touch with getting her tonsils out. In America.’
‘Colin,’ said Loxy, calmly. ‘Is there a chance the policeman said, “consulate”?’
‘Maybe,’ he sniffed.
‘Okay. And what else?’
‘They wanted to know if we’d heard from them. And where they were. But I didn’t know.’
‘Loxy, where did they phone from the other day?’
Loxy shrugged. ‘Sorry, but I was trying to stop you from taking your clothes off at the time. I don’t even remember.’
‘Christ,’ said Siobhan. ‘When did this happen?’
‘A few days ago,’ said Colin, miserably. ‘They’ve been phoning and things.’
‘What a mess,’ said Loxy shaking his head. ‘Oh God. Poor Hedgehog. You know, this means she doesn’t have a soul in the world.’
They stared at the floor. ‘What … I mean, where is her dad?’ asked Siobhan. Colin shrugged and handed over the policewoman’s card.
‘I told them what they were doing and they’re going to get in touch with Andrew McCarthy to say that if he sees them …’
‘God. What a fucking mess,’ said Loxy again. ‘What should we do?’
‘I’m going to go and get them,’ said Colin in a small voice.
‘What?’
‘Someone needs to find her. I think, if an American policeman found her, that would be bad.’
‘Colin, don’t be silly. You can’t go to America on your own.’
‘I can! I’ve seen Sleepless in Seattle.’
‘You don’t even know where they are!’
‘I’ll find them,’ he said sullenly. ‘I’m the one who has to give the news.’
The others looked at each other in dismay. Then Loxy stood up.
‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘Somebody should go. I’ll go. Hedge shouldn’t have to hear this from strangers, in a foreign country. And I need to see Julia anyway.’ His voice trailed off. ‘I really, really need to see her.’
Siobhan nodded sadly. ‘Yes, you do.’
‘No!’ said Colin, his face creasing up. ‘It’s my news. I should go. And I really need to see Arthur.’
‘Well I don’t want to go,’ sulked Big Bastard sticking out his bottom lip. ‘I want to stay here and have sex with Siobhan.’
‘You can do that too,’ said Siobhan. ‘I’ll speak to the police from this end. Christ. Oh my God, it’s such a lot to sort out.’ She jumped up and started pacing around the living room.
‘I WANT TO GO,’ said Colin, sticking out his bottom lip.
‘Look, it’s okay, I’ll do it,’ said Loxy.
‘Can’t you take him with you?’ asked Siobhan.
‘No! It’ll be fine!’
‘Don’t you like gay people?’ sniffed Colin. The other two waited expectantly.
‘Of course I do! Don’t be ridiculous!’
‘Well why can’t I go?’
Loxy raised his eyes to heaven.
‘Can’t you take him?’ said Siobhan finally. ‘I’m already looking after one enormous baby.’
Loxy screwed up his eyes to think of another excuse but couldn’t manage one.
‘I suppose so,’ he said sullenly.
‘Woo hoo!’ said Colin. ‘Mickey Mouse!’ Everyone looked at him. ‘And very, very sad news.’
‘Okay,’ said Loxy, getting up. ‘I’ll go and pack a bag and we’ll head to the airport. My mobile works abroad anyway, so as soon as you hear anything from them, you just phone me right away and we’ll get to where they are. Don’t say anything to them over the phone.’
‘What about work?’
‘I haven’t been going to work. I’d already booked this time off to go away with Julia. I’ve been keeping myself busy by moping around.’
‘Okay. What about you, little guy?’
‘I’ll get my mum to write me a note,’ said Colin. Everyone started getting up and bustling around. The news was terribly sad, but the urge for action was strangely exciting.
‘Okay. Colin, are you alright for money?’
‘You know, seeing you being so bossy and assertive is turning me on,’ said Big Bastard. ‘When are they leaving?’
The room fell silent as everyone tried to avoid looking at Big Bastard’s towel.
‘Yes,’ said Colin finally. ‘I don’t have any.’
Siobhan sighed, paused, then reached for her wallet and took out a gold company credit card. She closed her eyes briefly, then handed it to Colin, along with the PIN number scribbled on a scrap of paper.
‘He doesn’t know I’ve still got this one,’ she said.
‘Jesus,’ said Big Bastard. ‘Excuse me everyone.’ He disappeared into the bedroom. ‘Hurry up,’ he shouted.
Siobhan ignored him. ‘And remember, when you get there, you give it to Julia, okay? Not the Hedgehog.’
‘Not the Hedgehog,’ Colin repeated dutifully, staring at the card as if it was made of real gold. Loxy touched Siobhan on the arm in gratitude.
‘Nice to have something good come of it,’ said Siobhan, looking down.
‘Did someone say something about good come?’ shouted Big Bastard loudly from the other side of the wall.
Ellie stared out of the window as they passed into Ohio the day after the fair. When Andrew put his arm around her shoulders, she gently shrugged it away. He looked at her with concern.
Ellie’s heart was heavy. Suddenly, what had started out as her great idea felt completely stupid. She had been right – everyone did feel like she did, at least to a certain extent. But what was looking increasingly the case was that emptiness was a by-product; the balance on the scales that allowed her to upgrade her computer every six months. In the eighties, when people got rich for the first time, this had felt like fun. But now they were too jaded, too spoilt. They’d been there, done that, picked up the Phillip Starck toaster and were so busy looking for the next thing to ram in their maws they couldn’t even settle down and look after their own families. She thought of her dad suddenly, and a tear ran down her cheek. Any other age, any other culture wouldn’t leave him at the other end of town to eat pies and drink whisky. He needed looking after. He needed her.
That was what she was going to have to do. Quest over. Everything important couldn’t be found. Rather, it was all around her, all the time, like straw around Frosty. She made a decision. They would have a wonderful time in New York. She would explain to Julia what had – hadn’t – happened, and they could sort that out and everyone would be happy again. Then she would go home and move back in with her dad. Back to her old bedroom, with the faded postcards and the Strawberry Shortbread doll; the little red mini hi-fi; the Howard Jones twelve inches and her pink and black stripy duvet.
After all, it would be cheaper too if she was job-hunting. And it would be right, even if she did wake up in the cold mornings dreaming of golden hair reflecting the late autumn sun as they drove through plains as big as the world.
‘Are you okay?’ Andrew asked her gently.
‘I’m fine,’ she said quietly, but sadly.
‘She’s dead,’ Julia was saying. ‘She knew what the gameplan was. So she just ignores it completely …’
‘Calm down,’ said Arthur. ‘She spoke to me about him. She does like him, but she’s not going near him for you.’
‘WHAT!’Julia was white. ‘That’s WORSE. How noble of her. Fuck it.’
‘I don’t think it’s Ellie you’re cross about,’ said Arthur.
Andrew looked at Ellie, unsure as to why he was getting such mixed signals. Although of course she was a woman, however unusual. He took a deep breath.
‘I really like you, you know,’ he said quietly.
Ellie was shaken out of her self-pitying reverie.
‘Really?’ she said with a slightly wicked grin. ‘Enough to let me drive the car?’
‘So, with Arthur, right …’
Loxy and Colin made an awkward-looking couple sitting on the Heathrow Express, particularly with Colin’s Bart Simpson rucksack.
‘Uh huh?’ said Colin. His eyes were wide with excitement; he’d never been further than High Wycombe in his life.
‘When you’re off fixing telephone kiosks and things and you don’t see Arthur for a bit, do you ever think about other people?’
‘Oh no,’ said Colin. ‘But then, I love Arthur very much.’
‘Uh huh,’ said Loxy, staring out the window. ‘So where should we start looking for them.’
‘If I know them,’ said Colin, ‘they’ll be in Disneyland.’
‘How much driving experience have you had in America?’ said Andrew, looking at the dashboard of the Thunderbird worriedly.
‘Oh, loads,’ said Ellie. ‘Come on, pull over.’
‘What are they up to now?’ said Julia behind them. ‘They’re pulling in. To have sex, presumably.’
Arthur looked up from his copy of On the Road, which he was finding impossible to finish. (He didn’t know that no-one in the history of the world has actually finished it and the last one hundred pages of most editions are left blank to save on printer’s ink. Nobody has ever seen the end of the film either.) ‘You’re obsessed.’
Nonetheless the car was definitely pulling over. They drew up behind it, just in time to see Ellie jump out at the speed of light and dash around to the other side.