by Jenny Colgan
‘This will be the first time I’ve ever done something before Arthur,’ he reflected with pleasure. ‘Apart from the Pokemon tournament. And he didn’t seem to care about that at all.’
‘Well done,’ said Loxy, shrugging on a checked shirt from the Gap. ‘Okay. I didn’t want to have to ask you this, but I’m going to. Do you think I look gay in this? I’m sorry, I just don’t want to waste anyone’s time by looking like I’m up for it.’
Colin examined him critically. ‘No. No, you don’t.’
‘Okay then.’
‘You look more like … you know, sexy trucker or woodcutter or something. Mmm.’
‘Oh God,’ said Loxy. ‘Okay. Look, if I really hate it, can we leave again?’
‘You won’t hate it,’ said Colin. ‘They have coloured lights that flash on and off in time with the music.’
Andrew II headed the car out West, feeling a complete fool. It had been a long time – in fact, never – since he’d chased after a girl in that way. But something about Ellie had really got to him: her complete inability to not say exactly what she felt at all times, and her general cheekiness. So different from the ubiquitous blondes he came across every day. But not that different after all. They’d been punting him about like a piece of meat, a little stateside diversion. He squirmed uncomfortably in his seat and pushed the speedometer up a little.
His mobile rang, and he listened for a long time. Then he pulled over.
‘Oh no,’ he said. ‘Oh, no. Poor Hedgehog.’
Hatsie snuffled some more. ‘Okay. You’ve got his address? I think I’ll try and get there before the police do’
He scribbled it down then sat in the car for a long time, staring straight ahead, realizing just exactly how much he was missing this daffy curly haired girl, and how much he wanted to protect her from what was coming.
Saddened – and, deep down, excited about seeing her again – he turned the car around and, facing back towards the East, started pushing out the Thunder-bird to see how quickly it could go.
Everything out of the window was colder now, Ellie had noticed numbly, and whiter. She was trying to plan out how much fun they could have in New York – the transvestite parade for starters – but her thoughts kept slipping and sliding – to afterwards. Her imagination was working overtime – what was she going to do? Now the quest was definitely, definitely over. She tried to scoff when she thought of how daft it had been really, but she couldn’t quite, particularly when she saw the Frog Brothers’ faces in front of her. Perhaps, she thought, I could just pop into a couple of places. Just keep my eyes open. She looked at the two in front now eagerly discussing the Guggenheim. No, she thought to herself. Go with the flow. She wasn’t going to find any answers; she’d been right all along. Isn’t fun the best thing to have?
‘This quest is so over!’ she said out loud.
‘Good,’ chorused the other two.
God, she missed him.
The bouncer’s flesh shone with oil or sweat – Loxy assumed it was oil, as he could see the breath in front of his face, it had become so cold. He hustled them through without questioning them, or giving Loxy any mysterious looks he didn’t understand.
‘Welcome to the meat packing district,’ he said.
‘What?’
‘That’s just the area we’re in,’ said Colin importantly. ‘Isn’t it?’
‘Sure, kiddo.’
They were in a cavern underneath a warehouse. The walls were curved, and brick, and covered in sweat. Everywhere were men of all shapes and sizes dancing, snogging or just generally hanging out. Some looked extremely camp and bizarre, some looked utterly normal, including one, Loxy noticed with a gulp, the spit of his old French teacher. There were a couple of women in the place, looking overweight and a bit awkward, desperately trying to seem as if they were fully taking part in conversations when they clearly weren’t. The place was heaving. Colin was bouncing up and down with excitement.
‘Dancy dancy!’ he shrieked. ‘Come dance with me.’
‘Sorry,’ said Loxy. ‘But there is no way on earth that I am dancing to “I Know Him So Well”.’
‘Not even when it’s being mimed by two eight-foot-tall drag artistes?’
‘Oh, that’s what those are. I thought they were holding the roof up.’
‘Bringing the house down, honey,’ said one of them, pushing past Loxy to replace his suspender belt.
‘This is great,’ said Colin, looking around, his eyes shining. ‘This is the best place I’ve ever been.’
‘Uh huh,’ said Loxy. ‘Do you want a beer?’
‘Nope! I want a Manhattan!’
Loxy left him spinning around on the dance floor and leaned on the bar. A burly man with a crew cut leaned over.
‘What can I get you?’
‘A Coors and a Manhattan, thanks.’
‘So, who are you buying for tonight?’
Loxy indicated Colin, who was now dancing with everyone on the dance floor.
‘Ooh, cute. Known him long? Oh no – he hasn’t been out the womb that long.’
‘I’m babysitting him for a friend, actually.’
‘You are a naughty boy.’
‘No, it’s not like that. Actually, I’m not gay.’
‘You’d be amazed how often I hear that.’
‘I’m sure. But I’m really not. We’re just …’ he debated whether to explain his visit then decided against it. ‘I’m in America to meet my girlfriend.’
‘Ha! Well, I doubt you’ll find her in here.’
Loxy took the drinks but decided against plunging into the mêlée. Everyone seemed to be bumping bits with everyone else. He sipped his beer and looked at his watch.
‘Saving that for anyone?’
The voice sounded like Harvey Fierstein with a bad cold after a heavy night.
‘Uh, yes,’ said Loxy.
‘Oh well, he won’t mind if I just have a little sip will he?’
The man was about five foot four and entirely covered in grey hair – his shoulders, his back, everything. His shoulders and his back were visible because he was wearing a holey aertex vest. The effect was of Teenwolf, gone quite remarkably to seed.
‘Eh … yes, I think he would actually,’ said Loxy, picking up the cocktail anxiously.
‘Ooh, you are a big grizzly bear aren’t you?’
‘No,’ said Loxy, desperately. ‘Colin!’
Colin looked up briefly from his shimmying and shimmied over.
‘I’m very happy,’ he announced.
‘Good, good, I’m glad,’ said Loxy, desperately hoping he would stay.
‘Hello little chicken,’ said the older man. Colin looked at him for a second.
‘He’s frightening me,’ he announced to Loxy, then turned away and disappeared back into the throng.
‘So,’ said the man, leaning in and resting his arm on the bar. ‘Looks like you’re by yourself now. Here for the festival?’
Loxy backed into the bar, feeling ridiculously torn between trying not to offend anyone and wrenching, gut-churning dread. He cursed himself for not taking out his earring.
‘Is this man bothering you?’
Thank God. It was the beefy barman.
‘Umm …’
‘Beat it, DeLorean.’
‘Aw, come on. I’m not doing nothing.’
‘You’re annoying the customers. AGAIN. Now, scram.’
The grey fuzzy man shrugged and plunged back into the near darkness.
‘Thanks,’ said Loxy, feeling stupid.
The barman shrugged. ‘I used to work in a straight bar. The women used to get someone like him every five minutes.’ He continued to rub his glasses dry. ‘God, it must be crap being a woman. All that messiness, and you have to sleep with the really unattractive guys too.’
‘It’s probably alright really,’ said Loxy.
‘Yeah, yeah. I think our way’s easier, don’t you?’
‘I’m not … Yeah. Sure.’
; The barman grinned, and Loxy turned back to the dance floor where Colin was burning it up to ‘Spinning Around’.
‘Come over here and DANCE,’ shrieked Colin.
‘Okay, okay,’ said Lox, and joined him.
They stumbled out into the freezing air at 3am, giggling their heads off. It was threatening to snow.
‘I can’t believe I know what it’s like to be Kylie Minogue,’ Loxy said, throwing his hands out in the air, a gesture not entirely disassociated with his seven Manhattans (and one beer).
‘They loved you,’ agreed Colin.
‘That is because I am the best dancer of ALL TIME,’ said Lox, whose tastes normally ran to R’n’B and who certainly hadn’t got it on to the Bee Gees in living memory. ‘Oh my God. And I could not be happier about my old French teacher. Repete toi indeed. Fellate toi!’
He giggled again.
‘That scary grey man looked like you,’ said Colin, skipping ahead.
‘What? What are you talking about, Col?’
‘I mean, he looked like you when you talk to Julia.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘All bending over and things. Like a big wolf.’
‘That’s not how I talk to Julia.’
‘Like, if she wanted to move away from talking to you, you’d bite her really hard.’
‘That is not …’
‘Grrrrr! Grrrr.’
‘Shut up,’ said Loxy, his good mood evaporating like the steam from his breath as three Shirley Basseys staggered past them, blowing kisses.
‘Hedgehog?’
‘Snfrgh?’
Ellie was in the middle of a dream involving Andrew McCarthy. Only, this time, she couldn’t tell which one. Her dress was still pink; they were still kissing, but the faces kept dissolving into one another.
‘Hedgehog … wake up.’
Arthur was shaking her gently. The car had stopped.
‘Oh.’ She sat up, shaking her head, feeling slightly displaced, as you do when your dreams are rather better than waking up crouched on a filthy Toyota back seat. ‘Where are we?’
She hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but had just drifted off. Now she realized she was freezing, and it was nearly dark.
‘Ssh,’ said Arthur, and beckoned her out of the car. Julia had already left, and was standing a little distance away.
They were at the top of a hill, with the sun setting behind them. In the foreground, in a ball park, there was a bunch of small children playing baseball. Behind them were fields, then water. And behind that was Manhattan, looming out of the river like Kryptonite, reflecting itself off the water like a giant shiny machine.
‘Oh my God!’ breathed Ellie.
‘We thought you might want to see this bit.’
‘Oh yes.’
She stood on the top of the hill looking across, then moved towards Julia and linked arms with her. Julia patted her on the hand, as the first snowflake fluttered down.
‘There’s our destination,’ Julia said.
‘I’d rather hoped it might have been the start,’ said Ellie a little sadly. She put her arm around Julia and squeezed her tightly.
The Lost Boys
Loxy and Colin were sitting in the All Flavor donut shop. Colin was on caramel cream and banana. Loxy was finding it difficult to conceal his nausea while continuing to eat, and looked green around the gills. They were en route to the Empire State Building clutching their hangovers. Despite his, Colin was still his usual chirpy self, which was reminding Loxy woefully of the difference between being thirty and still holding a young person’s railcard.
‘I want to throw a piece of paper off the top and see if it will really guillotine someone,’ Colin was saying.
‘Well you can’t,’ said Loxy, who had been impressed by the coolness with which he’d managed to retrieve a newspaper from the oddly shaped box on the street corner, particularly as he’d had to hold Colin back from taking all of them, and was now buried in it. Then he saw it, stuck on an inside page:
80s Movie Star in Stalker Drama.
Brat Pack star Andrew McCarthy (36) has been targeted by several stalkers, it was revealed today. The one-time teen actor, who has also had several successes on Broadway, was said to be concerned by the fact that he is being obsessively followed by fans from all over the world.
‘Oh my God,’ said Loxy. ‘That guy they’re looking for – it turns out he’s being stalked!’
‘Oh no,’ said Colin. ‘Poor guy.’
‘Speaking from his chic apartment in New York’s trendy SoHo …’
‘Great!’ said Loxy. ‘That’s where he is! Let’s go!’
Colin looked at him wide-eyed and sticky-mouthed.
‘But … the Empire State Building!’
‘What’s more important? The Empire State Building or your friends?’
Colin looked at his plate. ‘What about the Empire State Building and my doughnuts against my friends?’ His face creased until it looked like he might cry.
‘The answer is “your friends”,’ said Loxy, dragging him up. ‘You can eat doughnuts any time.’
‘Yes, but not with maple syrup and figs …’
Loxy pulled him onto the sidewalk.
‘Do you think it’s really there, or is it just going to shimmer in a mirage and we’re never going to hit it?’ asked Ellie. They had spent, they hoped, their last night in a motel, and were up bright and early and ready for action. However the fifty-mile tailback into Manhattan didn’t seem to have moved in any perceptible fashion for the last two hours. ‘I wish I’d brought my own ice-skates.’
‘I’m going to have to drop the car off,’ said Julia moodily, staring at the map. ‘Well. It’s not like we’ll miss it.’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Arthur. ‘The way the vinyl retains sweat and odour.’
They limped in eventually and crawled under a tunnel which Ellie thought, rather nervously, she’d seen blown up in a movie before. Then suddenly New York burst upon them, and their entire world became vertical.
‘Hey hey!’ said Arthur.
‘Yikes!’ said Julia, as a suicidal bike messenger bore down on her out of nowhere. ‘I thought London couriers were bad.’
‘Not that bad,’ said Arthur. ‘I had one once. Went like the clappers.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, it was great. You could phone him up and order him like pizza.’
‘That’s not good for you, you know,’ said Julia reprovingly.
‘Hey – it wasn’t real pizza.’
‘Do you think if you could get married to Colin you would?’ speculated Ellie.
‘Don’t be gross,’ said Arthur, shivering in disgust. ‘Have you ever been to a non-tacky wedding? God no. If I could show him at Crufts I would.’
‘I think you’re a bit hard on him.’
‘Oh, stop it – I really miss being hard on him.’
They crawled along the busy street. Snow had fallen in the night, but on the streets it was drizzly and grey. People pushed their way to work, looking angry at the world.
‘If I lived in New York, I’d be happy all the time,’ said Ellie, looking at them in wonderment. ‘With a lovely American boy.’
‘I’m sure it’s just like London,’ said Arthur. ‘With shiny molars.’
‘It’s nothing like London!’ said Ellie scornfully. ‘Nobody and nothing in it is the faintest bit like London.’
‘Oh God,’ said Julia.
‘What?’
‘Nothing. The funniest thing. Must have been away from home for too long. Only, I could have sworn I saw …’
‘Who?’
‘Oh, no. Just two people that looked a lot like Loxy and Colin, that’s all. Isn’t it weird when that happens?’
The surly man in the courier booth didn’t even look up at them when they turned the car in.
‘Any problems?’ he grunted.
‘Nope.’ said Julia.
‘Ha. If only he knew,’ said Ellie.
�
�Huh,’ he grunted, and kept reading his magazine as they shouldered their bags and walked out, heavily burdened, into the freezing afternoon.
Thus it took him about ten minutes to identify the figures when the cops came in half an hour later, chasing the car.
‘Hell no,’ he said. ‘Hardly noticed them. But hey – if they’re vicious murderers, I’ll be expecting a cheque from the NYPD for the cleaning bill.’
‘Yeah, right … sue your own ass,’ said the cop, noting the amount of litter in the back of the car. They weren’t going to get too far leaving this much evidence kicking around the place. No rope though. Plus, they were limeys, so he didn’t think they’d be carrying guns. He checked back into his radio, told them to look out for two Caucasian females, one male. Christ. That should narrow it down in a town of ten million.
They dumped their bags somewhere which appeared to be a very small hotel room or a broom cupboard, but by the price of it was actually a semi-detached house in Hounslow.
‘Okay,’ said Arthur. ‘The parade is just starting. So I say we go see that, then ice skating in Central Park like in Splash, then Bloomingdales like in Mannequin, then plan to end up absolutely anywhere from Bright Lights, Big City.’
Ellie sat rather disconsolately on the tiny bed.
‘I guess,’ she said.
‘Oh, come on,’ said Julia, sitting down beside her. ‘Isn’t this what we decided?’
‘Look at the alternatives,’ said Arthur. ‘Are you really just going to go piling out into …’ he indicated the freezing cold and the wind outside. ‘I thought we were all going to stick together here.’
‘This is it, isn’t it?’ said Julia, in an encouraging tone of voice. ‘Didn’t we decide that? That us all being together was all that mattered?’
‘Yes,’ said Ellie staring at the floor. The last thing she felt like doing now was abandoning all the Andrews in her life and going out to the world’s biggest transvestite awards. Then she thought again of what she’d decided in the aftermath of the crash and remembered her new found commitment to duty, even if it was duty fun. She shook herself briskly. ‘Yes, it is. I bloody owe you guys a good time!’