by Jenny Colgan
‘No. Unless you’d like that.’
‘Okay, hang on.’
He put his hand to his head.
‘Okay. My instincts are saying no, no, no.’
‘Well, alrighty then.’
Suddenly, his pager buzzed.
‘Oy,’ he said, reading it. ‘I’m afraid I have to go and give a press conference – about you of all people.’
‘No, really?’ said Ellie.
‘Yup. You’re my famous stalker, didn’t you know?’
‘No, I did not know that.’
‘Well, I guess you’d better not come with me unless you want to get arrested.’
‘Can’t I come?’
‘I don’t know … what do your instincts tell you about getting arrested?’
She shrugged. ‘Blearggh?’
‘You got it.’
He stood up.
‘I think it is time for me to go to work, and for you to go and try to get the random piece of incomprehensible flotsam in this universe that may or may not make you happy depending on a, you know, whole set of infinitely multiplying parameters that we’d never understand in a billion lifetimes.’
He smiled at her. She smiled back.
‘Thank you. I mean it.’
‘Well! Hey. My work here is done.’
Her eyes followed him as he went to go.
‘See you again Marilu.’
‘No problem,’ said the waitress.
‘Oh!’ he said, as he was nearly at the door. He turned back to Ellie. ‘I nearly forgot something. You know, it’s my birthday today.’
‘It’s November 29th? Of course it is,’ said Ellie.
His eyes sparkled. ‘Want to give me a birthday kiss?’
‘Tongues?’ Ellie couldn’t help herself.
‘No. That’s for zero ended birthdays.’
She went towards him slowly, and he put his arm around her very gently and kissed her briefly on the mouth, so softly and sweetly that it was like the only kiss she’d ever wanted – at least, the only kiss she’d ever wanted when she was thirteen years old.
‘Bye,’ he said softly. ‘Good luck.’ He disappeared out into the drizzly snow. Ellie stood and watched him go.
‘I loved you,’ she said quietly to herself. Then she crumpled back into her seat and had a little cathartic weep.
Andrew II straightened up from his hiding place when the original left the coffee house. He had glimpsed Ellie inside, but didn’t want to burst in and rain on her parade. Now, however, he started to stride across the square.
A cab pulled up abruptly outside the shop and four people jumped out quickly, with worried expressions. He recognized Julia immediately and was about to call out her name when he noticed the ashen look on her face. He stood back as they walked in and over to the girl he knew sitting alone at a table.
Ellie’s face went through nine levels of shock when the four of them walked into the shop.
‘Oh my …’
When they didn’t smile, she squinted at them even harder.
‘You guys … you guys … what are you guys all doing here?’
They all sat down.
Julia swallowed heavily, and reached over and took Ellie’s hand.
‘I met him! Did you see him? He was here and we kissed and …’
‘Ssh,’ said Julia. Ellie scanned their anxious faces then stood up abruptly. Everyone was quiet. She knew at once, but couldn’t say it.
‘What?’
‘Sit down,’ said Julia, not letting go of her hand. ‘Just sit down.’
Arthur asked the waitress for some tea.
Inside Ellie it was like an iceberg calving off and breaking her in two. She couldn’t breathe.
‘It’s my dad, isn’t it? It’s my dad?’
Julia nodded slowly. Colin stifled a sob and buried his head in Arthur’s greatcoat.
‘Is he … did he … is he okay?’
Julia shook her head. Without thinking, Ellie took a swallow of scalding hot tea and didn’t even flinch.
‘He’s dead. Okay. Right. I see. Thanks for telling me.’
‘It was a heart attack,’ said Julia, stroking her arm and continuing to talk in a low, calm voice. ‘It was very quick.’
‘Quick! Great. Lovely …’
She was staring into space. Arthur came and stood behind her and rested his strong hands on her shoulders.
‘We’ll book you your ticket home, we’ll sort that out right away, get everything organized …’
‘Yes,’ said Ellie, bewildered. ‘Yes of course.’
‘And then you’ll have to come and stay with my mother,’ said Julia. ‘She’d love to have you for a couple of weeks.’
‘Yes,’ said Ellie again. ‘Thank you. I’m sure that will be lovely.’
Then, ‘He died all on his own.’
‘I thought everybody died on their own,’ said Colin suddenly. Arthur hushed him.
Ellie turned her face to the wall.
They sat that way, not knowing what to do, for some time. Suddenly Ellie pushed the chair away and stood up.
‘I was going to look after him, you know.’
‘We know,’ said Arthur, putting his hand on her arm.
‘I was going to make sure he ate properly and I was going to make up for everything and …’ She dissolved. ‘And he never knew.’
‘I’m sure he does now,’ said Arthur.
‘Of course he doesn’t!’ she stood up. ‘I’m … I’m off,’ she said. ‘I’m … going …’
‘Don’t dash off again,’ said Arthur. ‘Please. Let us stay with you.’
‘I have to be on my own. For once, I have to be on my own. Okay?’
They nodded and watched as she went up to the waitress and hugged her, then left the store, leaving the others staring after her, aghast.
It had started to snow again and was getting dark. Ellie went through the crowds, finally catching a taxi when she realized how far it was to walk. Her brain was trying to process rather too much information, her feet were aching and it was everything she could do to choke out a destination to the cab driver.
‘Sure. Havin’ a good day?’ he asked her.
Ellie stared out the window and ignored him.
The ice rink in Central Park was busy, and she had to queue to hire skates, passing her own sneakers over blindly. She sat down on the damp wooden benches to lace the skates on. Around her she could hear the shrieks and cries of excited children – with, no doubt, both mothers and fathers. Oh. It started to hit her. Her stupid, stupid dad. All those bloody sausages. All that bloody whisky. All her fault. All her mum’s fault. Then her fault. And her dad’s fault. She shook her head to try and clear it.
After a wobble or two, she glided off, the sense memory of her father’s hand in hers very strong now. The music playing was ‘Whistle Down the Wind’, by Nick Heyward.
Ellie avoided the other skaters almost without seeing them and took on a contemplative look, like someone making their way through a railway station at rush hour. Her thoughts felt curiously detached.
Well, she was definitely the grown-up now, that much was for certain. The last line of defence had gone. And now what?
She looked up at the stars beginning to twinkle over Manhattan and thought about it.
What was left? She described a slow lazy figure of eight in the ice.
At home: no dad. No job. Big Bastard. Billy, she supposed. Nothing to make her happy.
Here …
She pulled up suddenly against the side of the rink. What the hell was she thinking about, ‘here’? There was no ‘here’. This was a trip, a vacation.
She realized she’d just thought the word ‘vacation’, instead of ‘holiday’, and took another thoughtful tour around the ice. Her eyes had started to take on a slightly wild expression, and people were being careful not to get in her way.
I mean, it wasn’t like she didn’t know anyone. Okay, so she didn’t know anyone … but she’d have a bit of money now.
Not a lot, but there was the house, she supposed. She could stay for a bit, punt around some more … maybe learn to drive. Properly.
She could waitress, couldn’t she?
And she wouldn’t have to go anywhere with people feeling sorry for her all the time. It had happened to her when she was fourteen, she didn’t think she could bear it happening all over again. People indulging her, letting her do things, behave worse and worse until they got pissed off with her.
Here, nobody knew who she was. She was mysterious, foreign. Travelling. Different. Herself.
She spun around again. And, hell, if she hated it she could always go home. And if she liked it she could always stay. Well. Maybe. She could marry somebody gay or something. That happened all the time.
She hugged herself tight. The world was full of possibilities. Follow your instincts. Andrew had said that. The world made no sense. Well, now she had had that proven in a fairly dramatic fashion. And if it was going to be a world without her dad in it, she supposed she better make the most of what was left over. Feeling her dad’s hands in hers she started to spin, slowly at first then quicker and quicker as the momentum picked up, as he’d taught her. He just wanted her to be happy. It wasn’t Ikea’s fault. It wasn’t the world’s fault that she didn’t quite fit it. She thought of her mother, for once without rancour. Maybe she’d just been born to run. Maybe, if she did it now, she wouldn’t catch anyone else in the crossfire. Born to run.
The ice shard in her heart felt as if it was on fire now; her chest felt like it would burst. The music sounded louder and louder. She spun until someone bumped into her.
‘Hey!’
‘Sorry!’ she said, jumping around, trying to sound normal, although her eyes and her heart were aflame.
‘No, I’m sorry,’ said Andrew II, his dirty blond hair protruding from underneath a checked hat. ‘It’s just, I haven’t done this in a while.’
Ellie stood stock still, breathing hard, and stared at him. The other skaters swerved to avoid them, with the traditional array of colourful New York epithets.
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Oh. Oh. Now. Where the hell did you come from?’
‘Well, I was born in Northern California … no, hang on, don’t go to sleep, you’ll fall over and hurt yourself. I’ll skip the middle bit until we get to “and then I followed you here from the coffee shop”.’
‘You are somebody whose timing could not possibly be worse.’
‘Yeah, that’s what kept me out of cheerleading.’ He stopped trying to gentle her along.
‘I know.’ He reached out and held her hand. ‘Oh, darling. They phoned the house looking for you. I’m so, so sorry.’
She looked up at him, and her voice cracked. ‘Me too.’
‘I’m so sorry you were away.’
Andrew II led her to the wooden slats at the side of the rink and sat her down. After a second Ellie put her head on his shoulder and wept and wept and wept as the cold stars came out over Manhattan.
He patted her on the arm, soothed her and kissed her curls, ignoring the curious glances of the other skaters, and they sat that way until it was fully dark.
Eventually she sat up again.
‘I’d better … I’d better get going.’
‘Of course. I’ll take you back to the hotel.’
‘No, it’s okay. The others will be there. They’ll look after me. Honestly, I’ll be fine.’
‘Well …’
‘I’d rather you didn’t. I don’t want to have to explain.’
‘Okay. If you’re sure.’
They stood up, facing each other awkwardly. Ellie rubbed hard at her eyes.
‘I’m coming back to the States anyway. Once everything’s sorted out. I think. For a bit longer.’ Ellie tried to say this carelessly to try it out on her tongue.
‘Really? Huh!’ said Andrew II. He was looking at her and smiling.
‘You know. Just to hang out and stuff. A new start. Maybe.’
‘Yeah. Well. Hey. That’s great I guess.’
He started to help her back across the ice to the hire desk.
‘Are you going to look me up?’
She tried a shaky smile. ‘God. At the moment I’m concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Or, one skate in front of the other. Which, thank God, is easier.’
He slowed.
‘Did your daddy teach you to skate?’
‘He taught me a lot of things.’ Ellie sniffed a little.
‘Well, looks like he didn’t do too bad a job.’
‘You think?’ she asked.
‘I think,’ he said seriously.
She relaxed a little and let him take her hand, and they took one last tour around the ice not wanting to let go; they seemed for all the world like any other couple looking for magic in Manhattan.
‘I … it would be really great if you felt like calling me some time if you ever got back to LA,’ he said. ‘I mean it. It would be really cool.’
She smiled at him
‘Well, I know where to find you.’
‘Yeah … LA. Right. Sure. Whatever.’ He sighed.
‘No, I mean, you’re in the book.’
‘Oh.’ His face relaxed into a smile. ‘Oh yes. I’m in the book.’
Andrew II leaned down and cupped Ellie’s chin in his hand.
‘This is going to happen, okay? I really want this to happen.’
She swallowed heavily.
‘That’s definitely a line from Pretty in Pink.’
‘Endured just for you, okay? And yes, it is. But it’s also a line from me.’
He leaned down and kissed her firmly on her pouty little mouth.
‘One of these days I would like to do a little bit more than just kiss you, Ellie Eversholt.’
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘It helps a lot to know that, it really does.’
She clasped his hands tightly then let them go.
‘Well, I’d better head.’
‘Yeah … me too. Better be getting back to Hatsie.’
‘Sure … who knows what he could be up to?’
‘Stealing his father’s Ferrari … maybe converting it into a time machine …’
‘That kind of thing.’
He skated – clumsily – backwards to the side of the rink, and she waved and watched him go, treasuring and nestling the tiny kernel of warmth he had brought somewhere deep inside, to be taken out and re-examined on a better day.
‘Hey!’ he yelled from the other side of the rink. ‘You are going to be alright, Ellie Eversholt.’
‘Yes I am,’ she said to herself, swallowing hard. ‘Yes, I am.’
Arthur and Colin were going back to the hotel to pack up Ellie’s stuff and try to get her and, if possible, all of them on a flight that evening, so Julia and Loxy found themselves alone together for the first time. It felt slightly strange, and they were both picking up on the tension.
‘God,’ said Julia. ‘What a day.’
‘Yuh,’ said Lox, looking down at the street and kicking away a flyer.
‘Do you think she really did meet Andrew McCarthy? God. That would have been weird. I’d have been fucked off to miss it if she did. Especially after I did all the driving.’
Loxy shrugged his shoulders.
‘Dunno.’
‘It was amazing of you to come all this way.’
‘Well, it couldn’t wait – she’s the only next of kin they could find.’
‘God, her mother was such a selfish bitch …’
Loxy shrugged.
‘Oh, Lox,’ she put her hand on his sleeve, ‘I don’t know how she’d have coped not hearing it from us.’
‘Yuh.’
‘And …’ she stopped and turned to face him. ‘Something else. I really missed you, Loxy. I really, really did. All the time. Well, nearly all the time. I thought about us and I thought maybe we were doing the wrong thing and then I thought maybe I should see other people and then I couldn’t and then I saw you walk in and I thought, i
t doesn’t matter if we’re doing the wrong thing or not I just want …’
‘Julia.’ His commanding voice made her stop suddenly. It wasn’t a tone she had ever heard him use. ‘Ssh a minute. I just wanted to say I’m sorry.’
‘What? What? Sorry for what?’ Suddenly a panic gripped at Julia’s heart. He was going to tell her it was over wasn’t he? She’d turned him down once – twice maybe, if you counted that time at the airport. He was a proud man. He wasn’t going to stand for this. Oh no. Oh no.
‘Look,’ he said. His face was serious. She didn’t like the sound of that ‘look’.
‘I realize I’ve been a bit much. All over you. I was too hasty and too much and … I’m sorry. I really am. I’m sorry I pushed you. I wouldn’t give you any space, and that’s why you had to come away, and I see that now. From now on, I promise, I’m going to be a completely casual boyfriend and never pressure you … that is, if you still want me at all and … fucking hell!’
He made the last remark as Julia launched herself at him and he nearly fell over backwards into a puddle. She leapt up with her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist until he was pushed against the side of a shop.
‘Oh, thank God!’ she said, staring deep into his eyes. ‘I love you so very much.’
His face creased into an enormous grin and he crushed her body to his. She finally broke free for long enough to look at him again.
‘Oh – and … wasn’t there something you wanted to ask me?’
Arthur put his arm around Colin as, from a short distance away, they watched the other two leaping around the street. Loxy pulled something triumphantly out of his inner coat pocket.
‘What are they doing?’ asked Colin.
Arthur drew him closer.
‘Nothing,’ he said. ‘Well. Things other people do. Not us. We just have fun.’
‘Isn’t fun the best thing to have?’ said Colin.
‘Oh yes,’ said Arthur, kissing him hard on the forehead. ‘Oh yes.’
Epilogue
‘Jesus Christ!’
They had decided to hold the wedding in a big stately house rather than a church, much to the disgruntlement of both sides of the family, even though it was a beautiful place near Box Hill. And they decided not to have a bride’s side or a groom’s side either, because otherwise it looked ridiculously segregated: ‘You might as well just draw a set of railtracks down the aisle,’ as Julia had pointed out.