He truly meant what he was desperately trying to make me believe, but I knew better. I’d been down this road before many years ago, and all it left me with was a heaping serving of regret. I put my champagne down and gave my friend a hug and silently wished I was somewhere else. Tommy’s friendship was too important to me. I wasn’t about to have history repeat itself again.
“Tommy, I know you believe that we can be something more, but this is as far as we go. Friendship is all I want with you. I have never lied to you about my feelings, but you need to stop the wanting more and just be my friend.”
“Can’t blame a guy for trying. You need to have another glass of champagne and stop being so serious all the time. Haven’t you ever heard the expression ‘friends…with benefits’? Jeez, you need a night out to relax.”
Great diversion…distract me with humor when we really knew you’re sidestepping the real issue here.
I questioningly looked at him, but he laughed and took me in his strong arms. I loved Tommy, I really did, but he wasn’t Jagger. No man could ever be. I wasn’t about to measure Tommy, or any man, to the one man who held my heart. That wouldn’t be fair to my friend, and it would just give him false hope.
The celebration carried on until Zoey was hammered and Tommy was close to it. I had cars pick them up and take them home. No one would be waiting for me at my apartment, so I stayed behind to work.
As I read through case files, my private line rang. Looking at my watch, it was nearing ten o’clock. No one ever called me this late and on this line. Only a few had this number including my mother, but she knew not to call me here for small talk. Today alone should have proved that. Hopefully my flowers eased the hurt I somehow caused her today. I didn’t have the ring choice on a set number, so it rang several times before I picked up the receiver.
“Tenley Fairchild speaking.” I went with professional before I knew who was on the other end.
“Hello, Tumbleweed!” I would recognize that voice anywhere. Her boisterous voice carried through the receiver that I had to pull the phone away from my ear. She called me by my childhood nickname given to me by my brother, and the only other person I could still stomach using it was her.
Placing the call on speaker, I said, “Wendy! How are you? It’s been a long time.”
What could I say to her? It had probably been a year or more since we spoke to each other in great length. Making partner was all I focused on, and I threw myself into Tommy’s case.
“Too long, Tumbleweed, way too long. Let me get to the point of my call. I have a favor to ask of you, one I’m hoping you won’t say no to.”
“You know I would do anything for you Wendy, you just have to ask and even then just a look will do,” I said.
“I hope that’s true.”
“It is. Name it. What do you need?”
“I need you to come home,” she said.
The six words that I had hoped she wouldn’t ask of me. Was it possible that my heart had just stopped beating? I actually put my two fingers to my throat to make sure. The line was silent. I knew we were still connected, but knowing Wendy, she was giving me the minute I needed to catch my breath.
“Wendy, you know I can’t do that. Anything, but that.”
“Tenley, have I ever asked anything of you before this phone call tonight?”
“No, ma’am, you haven’t.”
“Then please don’t refuse me the one and only time I do ask.”
“Wendy, are you okay? Can you tell me that much?” I nervously questioned.
“I’m fine, Tumbleweed. This request is for someone else.”
“Who?” I asked.
She didn’t say.
“My parents? Are they okay?”
“They are.”
“Wendy, why are you being so evasive? Just tell me why I need to come home.” My voice began to rise.
“Listen here, girl. If you have to question me as to why you are needed to come home, then you’ve been gone way too long. Call me when you get into town, and that means tomorrow.”
“Wendy, don’t hang up!” I pleaded before the line went dead, and I was left to be lost in my thoughts. God! I just want this day to end, but even after all the good that happened in my career today, I’m back to that damn fucking day that my heart shattered. My eyes found my calendar. November 30th, five years ago…you died. I’m numb… just numb.
I unlocked my bottom desk drawer containing a precious photograph of you that I allowed no one to see. It was times like this that I needed to remember and remind myself of things that were once attainable, but were no more in reach of having. Now sitting back and staring at your face, my mind drifted back to our very last conversation we had in person.
You held my hand and smiled at me. Your smile was beautiful. A forever memory etched out in my mind and carved throughout my soul. It was the one constant that began my day. The one simple act I could count on.
You were the early riser out of the two of us, because Daddy had you do all the morning chores before sunrise. How ironic that you died before the dawn greeted the new day.
You always told me not to be scared and to not fear the unknown. I was scared. Scared to face the future without you in it. You held me through the night and woke me up with a tickle to my ribs.
“Wake up, Tumbleweed. You have a big day ahead of you. Daddy will be here soon to pick you up. You wouldn’t want to miss your flight. Lord knows it will be hard enough dealing with the long drawn out goodbyes, especially from mama.”
I woke to your voice and there was that smile again. How could you smile with all you were going through? I didn’t move until you practically shoved me out of the cramped hospital bed.
“Don’t fight me, Tumbleweed. I can’t leave this earth knowing you’re not happy. Promise me you will get on that plane today and keep moving forward with your life. Don’t stand still because of your pain. We can’t stop the inevitable from happening, so don’t even try. I am your brother. I will always love and look out for you, even though I won’t be here for you to see me. I promise little sister, you will always feel my love close by and watching over you. I’ll be where it matters most. Promise me, Tenley! You will keep moving forward. Promise me.” His voice was strong, but I could hear the sadness in his tone.
“I promise.” I said weakly.
“That’s all I ask. Thank you for loving me. I only hope you know how much I have loved you since the day mama and daddy brought you home. You were always shiny as a new penny. One look at you, and I was forever wrapped around your little finger. From the first moment my eyes met yours, I knew you had a fire deep inside of you. You excelled in school. Could ride a horse before you could run. A natural ability to conquer anything you were challenged with. It was an honor to be your big brother. Boy! You were a little rebel. You never did your chores. Always pushing mama’s buttons, and then playing the princess card with daddy. He never could stay mad at you for too long. Hell, none of us could.”
My tears began to fall, as I tried so hard to stop them, but I felt I had no strength left. “Jamie, can I ask you a question?”
“Of course, sweetheart, anything.” There was that smile again as he answered me.
“If I’m so amazing, then why did Jagger give up on me? I know I hurt him with my decision and the mistake I made with Shane, but he is so stubborn. He never really believed what I repeatedly told him. He led me to believe that my dream was our dream and that he would leave with me. But in the end, that’s all it was. It was my fantasy, and not his. He should have been honest with me, but he faked it. Who the fuck does that?”
“Hey, watch your mouth. I’m still your big brother, and I will hide your ass if you speak like that again.”
“Sorry.” I muttered.
“That’s better. Come back up here and listen to me. Tenley, I can’t speak for Jagger, nor Shane for that matter. Those boys love you so much, but like the line goes in the movie, ‘You can’t ride two horses with one ass.’”
“
You are not helping.”
“Come on, now that was a funny movie. It kind of reminds me of the three of you. Listen, Tumbleweed, you have a lot in your life that most don’t. You have parents who love you with all of their heart. A great mentor and friend in Wendy. Two amazing best friends that would probably lay their life down for you. I understand you’re not in the best place with them right now, but give them time, especially Jagger. You think he would just give up on you when it took him so long to catch you? What happened, happened. Let it go and move on. Not one thing in this life is perfect, not even our family, but we come pretty close to it. And if I know anything about Jagger, he never faked it with you. He loves you, this I know without fail.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. We’re over. He made his choice and I made mine,” I said.
“Don’t do that, not now.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Come on little sister, you know exactly what you’re doing. You always retreated back into your private world. When things weren’t the way you wanted them to be, you just put up those walls that made it impossible for anyone to get past. Please, Tenley, let people in. You need them more than you know.”
“If that’s true, then why are you pushing me to go? I don’t have to leave today. I can put off school. I want to be here with you, Jamie.”
“You don’t know how much that means to me to hear that, but I can’t let you do that. You need to begin the next chapter in your life. You worked so hard to get into law school, I’d never forgive myself if you gave that dream up for me.”
“Jamie, please fight. Please stay with me. You’ve beat this before, you can do it again. There has to be another way. Another transplant, more stem cells, something dammit! Please don’t leave me.”
I hugged him as tightly as I could manage. Even being sick, Jamie was still so incredibly strong. It was like hugging a wall. He had natural muscle from the years of ranch life.
“I love you, baby sister. For today, I’m here, and I promise I will fight for as long as I am able to. I don’t have a crystal ball. I can’t see the future, but I can see today, and today I’m going to tell you that I love you. I am so very proud of you. Now go! Yale Law School waits for no one, not even you, Tumbleweed.”
“I love you, Jamie. Thank you for being the best big brother in the world. I’m going to call you every day.”
He hugged me back, but it felt different. He never said it, but deep down I knew. Three months later, my brother died and heaven welcomed a new angel.
Wiping my tears, I needed to get out of here. It was past eleven, and I was lost in my thoughts enough for one evening. I instructed my driver to take me to the one place I never thought I would find myself. I swore up and down I would never cross that line again, but I didn’t want to be alone tonight.
I was here again in an emotional place, like I was years ago. My heart was not listening to my brain. I just needed to feel something. I needed to breathe life into this body and know my heart and pulse were still working properly.
Oh my God! What am I doing? Foolish slut. Yeah, that would be an appropriate word. I thought as I rang the doorbell. If I were in my right frame of mind now, I would turn around and run back to my car. This is not me, not by a long shot. I’ve done this already, and it nearly destroyed me and the two men who held my heart. One who I loved, and the other who loved me. I swayed back and forth on my Jimmy Choo stilettos while my finger lingered over his doorbell.
Ugh! This is wrong, but screw it. I’m not even out of my twenties yet, but feel like I’ve just aged ten years with one phone call from Wendy. Asking me to come home to the one place I no longer considered my home?
I knew better to think that way, but it was the bullshit line I fed myself daily. Once again, this was my past talking for me. I grew up there. I didn’t have one childhood memory that didn’t include my brother, Jagger, or Shane. Or my beloved horse who probably has forgotten me by now.
I started thinking of my parents. I missed them, of course I did. Mama didn’t hold back today, not for one second sparing my feelings. She missed me and needed me to be her daughter again, but how the hell do I do that? My big brother died, and my stomach still felt the hurt from his death. My mind always retreated back to how he died and how I wasn’t there to hold him. To tell him that I loved him so much, and for him to hear me say that it was okay to go. His cancer took so much from him, but you would never know it. Jamie always the stronger one.
My brother was larger than life and strong as a bull, but fearless to the very end, or so I’d been told since he didn’t want me there with him in his final days and hours. I should have been with him, but he refused me. He put me first above himself. He always did.
“Go make us proud,” he said, and like a foolish girl, I listened and did everything he asked of me…well, almost everything.
So, here I am, throwing caution to the wind, as I pushed the doorbell. Midnight booty calls weren’t my thing, but there was always a first time for everything. Yeah, I was certain I would regret this in the morning, but my body needed this tonight. I needed to forget, if only for a little while, the realities of my life and the pains I struggled so hard to move on from.
WAKING UP TO a raging hangover was not the best way to start my day. Neither was waking up to my bed partner. Ugh…Another in the moment, recklessly made bad choice on my part.
What the hell was I thinking? Tommy is my friend and a current client. Good for you Tenley. A perfect way to mess up a friendship and derail a promising career.
I knew what I was doing and would have to accept the consequences of my actions. I called Tommy out of desperation. I wanted more than a bottle of wine and the thrill of my vibrator. I needed intimacy. I didn’t want to be alone. I spent my life being alone, and for once I wanted something more, even if it was for only a night.
When he opened the door, he was only wearing his low hanging pajama pants. His exposed tan skin was so fucking tempting. I rolled my tongue over my lips and just wanted to lick him all over. God! I did lick him. I’m so embarrassed.
I practically raped him in his entryway, but he didn’t stop me. If I was playing the naughty Dominatrix role, then Tommy was my willing submissive. Damn! I’ve been celibate for way too long. I’m surprised my girly parts still worked at all, I’m sore all over.
Tommy gave me the Deluxe Special, working and spinning my body in so many positions. Crashing mouths. Hands everywhere. Tommy had my legs wrapped around him like a snake choking its prey.
He wanted more and never made a secret about his intentions. I always said no and objected about our relationship going any further beyond friendship. Well, that’s all changed now. I valued him so much. Tommy and Zoey were my first friends here in New York, and to this day, my only friends. I kept them at a safe distance. Zoey was always telling me so, but it was to protect my heart and theirs in the long run. Coming here last night was a mistake. Will he still want to be my friend once he wakes up and finds me gone?
After Tommy fucked me and fucked me hard, I was then held. He didn’t let me move. His strong arms were wrapped around my body, and I was nestled into his hard chest wall of muscles, but his skin was so soft. His chest just had a thin matting of hair, and I liked how it felt against my cheek. He was strong. Not athletic, but strong from his years spent working construction. His hands were rougher. Calloused fingers ran up and down my back, easily lulling me to sleep.
I was wide awake now and staring back at the beautiful man who slept beside me. God, he’s magnificent, all sprawled out before me in his nakedness. If only I could open my heart to Tommy, and forget Jagger.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to him, as I placed a chaste kiss to his lips.
He moved slightly with the sheet shifting, giving me one last peek at what was beneath. Holy shit! That thing was in me last night! His beast of a dick was semi-hard as he shifted again, but didn’t awaken. I was sure to feel the aftereffects he left on my body every time I would move t
oday. Good for you Tenley, my inner slut was rooting for me, but I knew better. This was wrong. Continuing to stare at him, my fingers were itching to touch him. I wasn’t much of a hugger, not anymore, but Tommy won out in the end, making sure I was secure to him for the rest of the night.
Although I knew it was wrong, I wanted to feel him again against my skin, but I stopped myself. It felt like a lifetime since I felt this way about a man. I never knew until now how lonely I was. I may have kept myself busy with my demanding career, but my body was bored and starved for human touch. Something that didn’t require batteries.
My mouth tasted like cotton, and my face looked no better. I quickly gathered up my clothes and got dressed. Like the coward I was, I quietly crept out of Tommy’s apartment, grabbed a cab, and walked through my own building doing the classic walk of shame. My doorman greeted me with his usual cheery tone. I half smiled back at him. He stopped me before I could make my escape into the waiting elevator.
“Ms. Fairchild, this was left for you yesterday.”
“Thank you.” I took the FedEx envelope from him and turned to go upstairs. All I needed was Advil and a soft pillow to lay my head down on…and a rock to crawl under.
Wendy’s call was playing over and over in my head. Why did she want me to come home? I would do anything for her, and she knew that, but this? I couldn’t. I couldn’t go back there. It wasn’t home anymore to me. Without Jamie, and with the way I left Jagger and Shane, how could I ever go back? I can’t go back there. I will say it, repeat it, and believe it until I convince myself that I’m right on this.
I’ll wash Tommy off of me—another foolish mistake. Like a phoenix, I will rise again. This is what I do. And fucking hell! I’m good at it. I phoned my office and told Roxy I would be in later this morning. I wasn’t one for taking any time off, but this headache was still very strong and I would be useless until I felt better.
My cell was ringing again, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out who it was. Tommy texted me six times and left two very long voicemails. He was angry that he woke up without me. I listened to only one of his voicemails. His texts messages were enough to turn my stomach. He said he was confused to why I left without waking him first and angry again because I was ignoring his calls.
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