The look in Jagger’s eyes was slicing my heart to shredded ribbons. I knew my decision was breaking him, but I couldn’t say no to Yale, not even for him.
“I’m sorry, Jagger. I love you. Something tells me I will always love you. If nothing else, please believe that, but this is your dream, not mine. I’m so sorry.”
“No! Stop saying that, Ten. This is our dream…and I know you want this. You’re just messing with your parents to piss them off. Okay, you won. Once again you showed your mother you are so much more than how she sees you. Baby, I love you. Please don’t do this. Give yourself some time to really think what you leaving means and the impact it will have on our relationship.”
“You’re wrong Jagger,” I hissed at him. “This is not about my parents, and I have nothing to prove to them. My mother may not be on board with my choice of career, but she would never be as cruel as you are being right now. And for your information, my father and Jamie know already, and they couldn’t be happier for me. I just want out. This is my life! And I will live it on my terms.”
“What the fuck, Tenley! I’m being cruel? That’s fucking rich coming from you. You are standing here on my ranch and telling me that I no longer have a say to anything that concerns you, or us. I am your boyfriend, your future husband who loves you. Please, Tenley, you are cutting me to the quick here. Don’t. Leave. Me. You see where you are standing? Look over to the horizon, you see our spot? How many nights did we spend making love under the stars, planning our future, and chasing the dream of a life we both want? I just don’t understand you at all. And now in the wake of your independence, I get left behind with a broken heart. What about Shane? Or Wendy? I guess they lose too?”
“Stop it Jagger, please stop.” I held my hand over my breaking heart. “You know I love them too. It’s not fair to make me feel guilty over something I want for my life. If you know Wendy at all, you would know she would never ask me to stay or hold me back from my dreams, and that goes double for Shane. Have I been that blind? I thought you would be happy for me…for us. Why is the one person who I’ve given myself over to completely and unconditionally doubting me now? You’re not the only one asking why?”
“What if Jamie gets sick again? Would you leave him? And the ranch you hate so much to follow your dreams?” he said, mockingly. A tone he never used. The bitter taste of his harsh words was making my stomach churn.
“Oh my god! How the fuck can you even say that to me? I love my brother more than anything, even you Jagger. He’s strong and healthy. You’re angry, I get that, but saying these things to hurt me back is just cruel. I have faith he will continue to stay in remission. I never said I hated my family’s ranch. This is the only home I know and love, but just because I want more for my life, doesn’t lessen the feeling I have for my home. And for you to involve Jamie into something private between us is incredibly unfair. I’m asking you to leave my brother out of this.”
“I can’t Tenley. He’s my best friend, and Shane too. Brothers to me, and I can’t just stand here and pretend that you leaving us is okay. You’re decision here today does affect your brother, don’t fool yourself thinking it doesn’t. I look around to this beautiful land that God has given us, and then to my hands that will work this land and make it prosper for all good things to come. This is our life, Tenley. Ranching is in our blood, and we are planning to run this ranch as partners. It’s what we always wanted.”
“I know, Jagger, and that’s what makes what I will say next so hard for you to hear, and to accept. Please listen to me. The four of us have been the perfect shape. Once upon a time, we did fit perfectly together. Our friendship has met everything to me, and when you and I decided to be more than friends, I thought I couldn’t get any happier than I already was. You were my first love, but I have to pick me now and put me first. I love you, Jagger…always and forever. Love doesn’t come down to ultimatums. Love should be the easiest thing you do in life, and it has been for me since the day you told me you loved me. If you love me the way you say you do, then don’t ask me to choose.”
“How did I not see it?” he asked.
“See what?”
“You are so spoiled. So incredibly selfish and absorbed. You didn’t have it that rough, Ten, if anything, you had it way too good. Your parents have given you everything you could ever want, and yet it still isn’t enough for you. No one is perfect, and that is a lesson you better get straight sooner rather than later.”
“Are you done?” I asked Jagger.
“I haven’t even started. I love you, Tenley, so fucking much. Next to Shane and Jamie, you’ve been my best friend. You are the one and only that occupies space in my head and heart. From the moment you could ride, I remember your father saying you had natural fire flowing through your veins. ‘A free spirit,’ all the ranch hands used to call you. ‘Tumbleweed’ was the perfect nickname for you. You just loved to run and soar on the back of Jazzy. Why can’t you feel that free with me? I love you, baby, and I thought you loved me.”
“Jagger, I do love you, but I have to love me too. Why can’t you understand that? I want more than this ranch. I want to see the world and live in it on my own terms.”
“Fine. Go, Tenley. Go out in the big fucking world and be the selfish bitch you are. Get the fuck off my ranch. You are no longer welcomed here.”
“You don’t mean that. Jagger, please, don’t send me away. Not like this.”
My tears were falling faster than I could wipe them away. I wanted Jagger to hold me. How did we get here? We were perfectly happy a couple of hours ago, and now we were thousands of miles apart from each other.
“What other choice do I have, Tenley? You are the one that is leaving me, not the other way around. Go! Go be a fancy lawyer in your big world. I hope it makes you happy, because at the end of the day, that’s all you may have left. Now. Get. The. Fuck. Off. My. Ranch.”
Shattered…
“I love you. I’m sorry,” was all I could say. I wasn’t sure if he even heard me say those words to him. I was crying so loud and my voice was breaking in between, just like my heart.
Before he could say another word, I ran for the ATV and sped away recklessly, leaving my helmet to fall to the ground. Jagger screamed out for me, but I kept driving until I got back to the main house. I parked the ATV and sped off into my Jeep. I cried all the way home, and just before turning onto my property, I turned around and went the opposite direction. I had to go to my thinking place, which was still on my property but miles away from the main house. My father had a fishing cabin near the river. It wasn’t a shack by any means. It was a huge one bedroom cabin that he had built when I was around ten years old. He used to tease my mother that he needed a place to go to when they argued. The only thing is…they never argued. They would have what they called spats, and usually over something so stupid they would end up laughing about it.
I was the fighter in our family. Constantly disagreeing with my mother about my hair, my clothes, everything. We were oil and water, my father used to say. How right he was. This cabin held the best memories I had of Jagger. I lost my virginity in this cabin. When his grandfather died suddenly, Jagger and I came here to be alone. I lit a fire and held him as he cried for hours. This is where Jagger and I declared our love for one another. Sealing a commitment between us and making a pact to be best friends forever.
I found the hideaway key under the flower pot and let myself in. I wasn’t going to cry, so I decided to drink my sadness away by breaking into daddy’s liquor cabinet. I had my pick. I went in hard, why settle? The more I numbed my body, I knew it would mask the hurt in my heart.
Hours had gone by, and I was alone. After my third beer and another shot of Tequila, I fell asleep for a while only to be woken up by a loud bang on my door. Jagger! It had to be him coming out to apologize and make us right again. I stumbled my tipsy body to the door, only to find Shane standing on the other side of it.
“Hey beautiful,” he said so sweetly. One look
from Shane, and I let the tears flow again. He instinctively picked me up and held me in his arms. I buried my face into the crook of his neck. My tears were like a faucet that couldn’t be shut off. After how I left Jagger, I knew I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself, but Shane holding me made me feel wanted and protected.
“Now, now. It can’t be that bad. Dry your tears and talk to me,” he said.
I stopped my crying and asked him how he found me out here. He laughed.
“Does a fish need water to survive? Of course I knew you were here. It wasn’t that hard, beautiful girl. You always come here to think, or when you’re fighting with Jagger.”
“You can’t fight with someone that you no longer have a relationship with. We broke up today. It’s over. He hates me.”
“Impossible. He doesn’t hate you. He’s just damn angry with you right now, but hate is not an emotion he knows or will ever know when it comes to you.”
“So he called you after I left?” I asked him.
“He did. Jagger called me. He was pretty torn up.”
“Where is he?”
“He’s out. He’s probably licking his wounds like you are right now. Come on. I’ll take you home.”
“No, Shane. I’m not going home. I’m staying here. Will you please stay with me? I don’t want to be alone anymore. Please say yes, and don’t leave me.” God, I sounded needy and pathetic.
“Leaving you is the last thing I want to do, Tenley. I love you with all of my heart, I always have.” The tone of Shane’s voice shifted into something I had never heard before.
“I love you too, Shane. You’re one my best friends.” I watched him as his body language changed. He looked so serious.
“I don’t think you understand what I’m telling you, baby,” Shane whispered.
Baby? Why is he talking like this? Only Jagger calls me that.
“My feelings go way beyond friendship, and now that you and Jagger are over, maybe I will finally have my chance to show you how much you mean to me. I know how I must sound right about now. How could I even think of betraying my best friend? The truth is, I can’t hold it inside any longer. It’s as if fate has finally stepped up and now this is my one shot to tell you how I feel. I love you, Tenley. Not a friendship love, I mean crazy, stupid love. The kind of love that I will lay my life down for you love. I can’t believe I’m doing this right now, but I have to. I was so afraid to tell you the truth and fear you may reject me. I had so many chances to tell you, but once you fell for Jagger, I thought I would never get my chance. He’s like a brother to me. We have an honor code, a line you never cross, but fuck it. I can’t let you go again.”
He loves me?! No way. My brain is fuzzy with Tequila waves sloshing around up there. Shane’s my friend…my best friend. I’m drunk and not hearing him right.
“Shane, you’re my best friend. I’ve already destroyed Jagger today, please don’t make me hurt you too.”
“You won’t, baby, I promise my heart is safe. I love you. Please give me a chance to show you how much.”
His hands were cupping my face and drawing me closer to his lips. As soon as I felt them on mine, electricity shocked my body, surprising me and knocking me off balance.
“Open up for me, baby. Please let me in. I love you so much.”
Drunk or not, I kissed Shane.
I knew what I was doing and just didn’t care.
Jagger had made it perfectly clear that he no longer wanted me if I didn’t want what he wanted, so once again, I let my reckless side guide me. Jagger and I reached an impasse of our relationship I never thought was possible. His words replayed in my mind, as I took in the beautiful man in front of me. Here was Shane, willing to do anything to make me happy. I let my inhibitions go and gave him what he desired most…me.
He swiftly had my shirt off and slowly made his way to unbuttoning my jeans. My hands found his, and I said, “Stop!”
What the hell was I doing? I was living up to everything Jagger accused me of being. How is this even happening? A few hours ago, I was happy and looking forward to beginning my new adventure with Jagger, and now I’m about to bed his best friend, our best friend.
“Shane, this is wrong. We can’t do this. Jagger is like a brother to you, and you to him. I love him, Shane. I’m in love with him. This is wrong. I can’t do this.”
He continued to kiss me, touch me, awakening all of my senses.
What he said next stunned me into silence. “Tenley, he never has to know. Please give me tonight to show you how much I love you, and if in the morning when you wake and your heart is still leading you to him, then this will be as far as it goes. It will remain between you and me. I swear I will never tell him.”
“How will I ever be able to look him in the eye again? Or you for that matter?” I asked.
He ignored me and slid his hand inside of my jeans and straight toward my panties. I was wet for him. I couldn’t believe my traitorous body. I belonged to Jagger, and here I was giving myself over to Shane so willingly. He never stopped kissing me. He was everywhere. His fingers were gently rubbing my clit. Every instinct in my body was screaming at him to stop, but then his fingers fucked me again, and I was screaming out my first orgasm. His lips were on mine. His tongue was invading my mouth as if it belonged there. He tasted like sweet mint and smelled incredible. I could feel his dick get harder and harder against my body. I closed my eyes and let Shane take my body to the edge again, but before I could experience yet another high, he stopped.
“Open your eyes, Tenley, and look at me. Tell me to stop, and I will. I want you so badly, but it’s up to you baby, what do you want?”
Looking deeply into my eyes, he saw my answer. I kissed him back and let Shane make love to me. He quickly ripped his shirt off and his boxers and jeans followed. He undid my bra and practically tore my panties from my body.
“Condom,” I whispered. He had one in his wallet and quickly covered his heavy erection with it. I closed my eyes as Shane entered me. He held my hands to the bed and parted my knees with his own. He was big. I gasped as he entered my body and then my eyes closed again and relished the pure pleasure he was giving me. Over and over again, our bodies were joined and we became one.
“Open your eyes, baby. Please look at me as you come with me buried deep inside of you,” he whispered.
I did what he asked of me as he took me deeper and faster. I screamed out his name as the walls of my vagina tightened around his cock. I don’t know who came first, but I was slipping into a blissful oblivion. I had just made love to my best friend and betrayed not just Shane, but Jagger. And Jamie! What will my brother think? God! I feel so fucking ashamed. My heart belonged to Jagger. I never questioned it. Shane was a brother to him and a best friend to me. Now this act shared between us had now changed us forever.
This wasn’t on Shane. This was my fault. I could have said no, but I didn’t. Did I want to hurt Jagger for rejecting me? I would hope I wasn’t that cruel, but maybe I was. Shane held me for the rest of the night as I let him. Nothing would prepare us for what happened next…
“Get up!” I heard as the door slammed shut.
My head was spinning and my stomach was retching. I drank way too much Tequila last night. Even in my dazed state, I couldn’t miss the angry form of Jagger Parrish standing above me, with a shotgun pointed directly at Shane.
“What the fuck, man? You! Here with my woman. I’m going to kill your betraying ass.”
Still naked, Shane leaped out of the bed and threw his boxers on. I stayed where I was under the thin sheet that served as my only barrier from Jagger and his rage. He looked at me with disgust. How could I blame him? It’s exactly how I felt.
“Calm down, Jagger. This is not what it looks like,” Shane pleaded.
“Are you fucking with me? How can I confuse what this is? I just caught you naked and in bed with Tenley, my fucking girlfriend! Am I wrong, brother? How the fuck do I confuse what my eyes just witnessed?”
&nbs
p; “I love her, man. I couldn’t let her leave without letting her know that. You said no to her. I saw my chance and took it. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
“Sorry? Oh my God! I can’t believe this is happening. You love my girlfriend and you’re sorry that you hurt me. Fuck you, Shane, and your apologies. We’ve been like brothers our whole life and for you to hurt me like this is just inconceivable to me. I can take just about anything, but you with Tenley is just something I will never be able to move past. What did you think was going to happen? Confess your feelings, pour out your heart to her, and she just magically chooses you? Well, wake the fuck up brother, because Tenley is a cold, selfish bitch. And now add whore to the list! She only chooses Tenley, and the hell with the rest of us. Fuck you, and fuck her. You two deserve each other.”
Whore. He called me a whore. I stayed where I was in disbelief as to what I just heard Jagger call me. It was then that Shane charged at Jagger, knocking the shot gun out of his hand. They were entangled with each other. Fists were flying as they hit the other. Shane was screaming at Jagger to take back his hurtful words, but Jagger remained silent and continued to fight Shane. They nearly measured the same in height and weight. I doubted one could take out the other. Jagger swayed to the right, but missed the next attack from Shane. Shane lost his balance and Jagger delivered one final blow to his jaw, and slamming Shane’s body down to the ground.
“Fuck you Shane! I loved you! How could you do this to me? And why my girl? Why motherfucker…why?” You could hear Jagger’s pain with every word spoken.
At that moment of clarity, I wasn’t even hurt anymore. I was everything he said I was. After what I did with Shane, I didn’t deserve either one of them in my life, let alone one ounce of happiness. But after all that, I still tried.
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