I continued, “As for Jagger…you say he needs me? The same man that you say still loves me, who shunned me at my brother’s funeral. I spoke maybe ten words to Shane, and then I was back on that fucking plane. Not a plea to beg me to stay, just a wave from the door. Come home? To what Wendy? We all made decisions here. Jamie chose how he wanted to spend his last days, and they weren’t with me. I wanted Jagger, he wanted the ranch. What the hell was I supposed to do? Just give up law school? I wasn’t ready for that, and it was selfish of him to expect me to. If Jagger truly loved me, then he would have never asked me to choose.”
“Will you wake the hell up, you stubborn girl!” Wendy was yelling. “Are we talking about the same story here? You seem to forget that he asked you to consider going to a closer school. No, I’m wrong. He begged you, but you refused. Your parents begged you to come home time and time again, but you refused them too. You flew home for one damn day for your brother’s funeral. You think I don’t see you? I see you all gussied up in your designer suits with the accessories to match, but it’s all for show. This is not you. You’re coasting through your day to day acting as if you have it all figured out, but you don’t. You live alone and isolate yourself from everyone who loves you. Why? I just don’t understand it. A once a year Christmas card is not going to cut it anymore. You can’t be a runner forever. Your presence is needed at home, and you need to face the people you abandoned and are hiding from. You are not the only one that lost Jamie. We all did.”
“Abandoned? Really, Wendy? I don’t need a reminder on what I’ve lost in my life…And I’m not hiding! I’m living and doing the best I fucking can. Do you want to talk about abandonment? From Jamie, my parents, and Jagger…they all left me on my own. What the hell do you want from me?” I hissed at Wendy.
“I guess I touched a nerve didn’t I? The truth always finds its way right to one’s heart. You’re only reacting this way because deep down you know I’m right. I’m sorry I had to be. Like I said, I have a plane to catch and it leaves in four hours. The choice is yours.”
I remained at my desk and watched Wendy exit my office. My back was against the wall and I was so lost right now. Jagger still loves me? How? After all of this time? Can I really go back home and face the two men that I hurt the most? Shane and Jagger were my brother’s best friends. They never minded me as the fourth wheel. Then one day, Jagger looked at me differently, and we fell in love. I hurt him so much by betraying him with Shane. We both hurt him, but it was I who destroyed him. I had to live with that shame and guilt for years now. And now I’m being asked to save him? Be the answer to their prayers. How the hell can I even wrap myself around that? Wendy was right, for all of it. My mother was too. I am hiding. Being alone is the only way I know how to be. It is my punishment that I chose a long time ago for myself.
I loved them.
I fucked them.
I left them.
And now with a delivery of a letter, a visit from Wendy, and an in your face wake-up call, I’m about to go home to face my past.
“Roxy...”
“Yes, Tenley,” she responded quickly. I could only imagine what she thought as Wendy stormed out from my office.
“Please come into my office and bring your tablet.”
She hurried in and sat down waiting for me to tell her what I needed.
“I don’t have any time to waste. Listen carefully, because I will not repeat myself. Book me on the six o’clock flight out of NY/LaGuardia. Upgrade a coach ticket to first class for passenger Wendy Ann Manning, and book me next to her. Please call up to Mr. Steele, and ask him if I can meet with him in the next thirty minutes. With the Mills case wrapped up, I don’t have anything pending on my calendar other than the Kandinsky brief. Any current cases will have to be handed off to Zoey until I have a return date. Then go to my apartment and pack my luggage. This is not a formal trip, so I will not require any dresses or suits. Pack me an assortment of pants, shirts, sweaters, sleepwear, more on the casual side. I have boots, warm socks, and I will also need a heavier coat. Tell my doorman to forward all my mail and deliveries here to the office. Got it?”
“I do, but I have one question.”
“And that might be?”
“Where do I book your flight to?”
“Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I’m going home.”
Those words tasted like vinegar coming from my mouth. I surprised myself, but thankfully Roxy didn’t question me any further on the subject. For the next hour, I cleared my desk. I answered all my correspondence, and briefly filled in Mr. Steele. He was very supportive and understanding. I’d never taken one sick day, let alone a vacation. He told me to take as much time as I needed, and for that, I was grateful.
Nearly finishing up, I thought of Tommy. All day I avoided him like the plague. He called me non-stop, filling my inbox with his voicemails. I am such a coward. He’s my friend, my very best friend and once again I’ve fucked up. After what I did with Shane, I vowed never to cross that line again, but it was pain over Jamie that clouded my judgment and made me throw caution to the wind.
“Should I call him?”
“Yeah, you should have.”
I looked up and saw Tommy standing in front of my desk. Looking at me with angry cobalt eyes. Moment of truth.
“I didn’t even hear you come in,” I said.
“Clearly from the look on your face. Your assistant wasn’t at her desk, so I let myself in.”
He walked around my desk and pulled me up into his arms. Caging me in with nowhere to run.
“Why Tenley? Why did you run? I woke up this morning to a cold bed. No note. No calls. Did I fuck up? Because you came to me last night.”
He loosened his hold on me, and I wrapped my arms around his waist, regretting this intimate gesture, but it was what I needed.
“Tommy, I am so sorry that I hurt you. Please believe me. Last night is all on me. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I should have never brought my problems to your doorstep.” I said, as I stepped back from him. It was hard to even be in his proximity. He smelled delicious, and if I couldn’t drink away my problems, I certainly could see myself fucking them away, and with Tommy.
“Tenley, you are my friend. You know what you mean to me and how much I care for you. I will be here for as many times as you need me to be, but don’t act like I didn’t know what last night was, because I’m not that fucking blind nor naïve. My eyes were wide open, but to wake up without you this morning is what I don’t understand. You completely shut me out, and I want to know why.”
“It’s complicated and too long of a story. Please tell me that we are fine and when I get back from my trip, I will explain it all to you.”
“Trip? Where are you going?”
“I’m going to see my family out in Wyoming. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I promise to keep in touch with you and Zoey. Please, Tommy, this is all I’m capable of right now.”
“Come here,” he said. His eyes had now softened and my friend was back.
“I can’t. Please don’t look at me like that.” I pleaded.
“How am I looking at you?”
“Like you love me.”
“I do, you know. I have for a while now, and I think you know it too. Please come here. You don’t always have to be so tough.”
He opened up his arms for me and I walked right into his embrace. I was thanking God I still had a friend to hug.
“I’m really sorry, Tommy.” I said, as my face was buried into his soft flannel shirt he was wearing. The smell of his leather jacket alone was intoxicating.
“I know. Look at me.” He cupped my face and I had no choice but to look into his eyes. “I love you Tenley. I know what we are, and that’s okay. Just know I will always be here for you if you need me to be. I won’t ask any questions, because I know you well enough to know you are not ready to answer them. I’ll be here waiting for you to return home to me.”
“Tommy, please don’t.”
“Now
what? What’s wrong?”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep or expect me to. It never works out the way you see it in your head, or feel in your heart.”
“Oh baby, whoever hurt you must have done a real head trip on you. I would never make promises I don’t intend to keep, so my heart is safe, don’t you worry. Keep in touch.”
He kissed me on my forehead and turned to leave. I really could take no more today, but the flash of what I called Lightning Zoey just flew into my office.
“I just came from my father’s office. You’re going where?” Zoey shrieked.
“I told you, Zoe, in my message. I’m flying out today to my hometown.”
“You have a hometown? I thought you eat, sleep, and bleed out the big city. So where is this hometown? And why haven’t you ever mentioned it to me before?”
“Everyone has a hometown, Zoey. I just chose to forget mine.”
“If that’s true, then why are you leaving?”
“Zoey, you make it sound like I’m never coming back. An old friend asked me to come home, so that’s why I’m leaving, but I’ll be back.”
“Sure you will. Don’t you remember when we watched that sappy Hallmark movie a few months ago? The girl’s father died and she had to go home to settle the will, only to reunite with her high school boyfriend? Don’t bullshit me, hooker! You never talk about your past, so that leads me to believe you have a pretty complicated one.”
As I typed my last e-mail to my assistant, giving her instructions for the coming week, Zoey would not let up on me. I sighed and shut down my computer. I looked around and was pretty sure I took care of all my pressing matters on my desk. Grabbing my briefcase and coat from me, Zoey stopped me at the door.
“Are you going to tell me or not?” Zoey remained firm with her questions. No wonder she was the best fact researcher we had here at the firm. She never quit until she found the truth. The problem was, I wasn’t ready to tell her mine.
“Zoey, please let me pass. I really don’t have time to explain my sudden trip to you.”
“That’s just it Tenley, you never do. You are the most elusive person I know. You never talk about your past. So come on…what’s up? I tell you everything.”
“Oh my friend, I love you, but you have no filter and wouldn’t know discretion if it bit you on your ass.”
“Not true, girlfriend. When the assistant to Simmons up on the 8th floor had an affair with him, I didn’t say a word to anybody.”
“What? Simmons is having affair with his temp? He’s married with four kids. What an asshole! I only hope to be his wife’s divorce attorney, so I could bury his ass in court.”
“Oops! You didn’t know?”
“No! I didn’t know, Zoey. You see? Discretion!”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. How long will you be gone for? You know I can’t live without talking to you at least ten times a day. Did you call Tommy yet? You know he will worry. So where is this mystery hometown located? Do you need to go to the doctor and get shots first?”
“Seriously? It’s not in a third world country. I’m going to Wyoming.”
“Wyoming!!! You probably won’t even have cell service up there.”
“I think Jackson Hole has modernized over the years. If not, I’ll call you from a land line.”
“What the hell is a land line?!?” Zoey threw her hands up in the air. We both laughed out loud.
I finally managed to say goodbye to my friend and escaped with four tackle hugs. I told her that Tommy already knew about my travel plans, but not to press him for information. I would call them both when I knew more.
Judging by my many suitcases, Roxy packed me enough to last me a month or more. She never mastered the art of packing. I arrived to the airport with less than an hour to spare. My bags were checked, and I made my way to my departing gate. As I got closer, I saw Wendy chewing her fingernails, probably thinking I wouldn’t show, but saying no to her was something I could not easily do. Her eyes brightened when she saw me approach.
“You’re here,” she said, not quite believing it was me. She then wrapped me up into a hug. She grabbed her carry-on, and we boarded the plane. We took our seats in first class. Wendy was giddy with delight. At least if I had to endure a long flight, we would be comfortable.
She asked, “Ready?” as the cabin doors closed.
Not sure how welcomed I would be once I arrived back home in Wyoming, but my mother did ask me to come home to them. I miss my father too. I can’t wait to hug him and then see Jazzy. Will my horse even recognize me? She will probably throw me off. An animal never forgets and sadly, I hurt her too when I left.
Nudging her arm, I looked back over to Wendy and whispered, “I am.”
The take-off was smooth, and although I swore off alcohol, I was in desperate need for a drink, a strong one. I ordered a double Hendricks, getting a glare in return from my travel partner.
“What? I’m old enough for a drink, please refrain from the judgments,” I said as my throat burned with the liquid numbing my throat.
“I didn’t say anything! Oh boy, for a lawyer, you are so defensive.”
“I don’t mean to be. I’m just nervous. When I woke up this morning, this is not how I envisioned my day panning out.”
“So what did you expect? A romp in the hay is not the answer to your problems. I would have thought you learned that tough lesson already.”
“Oh. My. God.” How the hell does she do this? I thought as she kept going on.
“Now, don’t you go bringing the good Lord into this. He didn’t make you give up the cookie, now did he?”
“Wendy, I am not even going to dignify your offensive and judgmental comments on my life. What I do behind closed doors and who I choose to spend time with is none of your business. You are way out of line.”
“Seriously? I was right? Hell, I was just razzing you. I didn’t think that actually happened, so spill Tumbleweed: Who was it?”
“I’m going to sleep. Wake me when we land.”
“Oh come on, we’re just getting to the good part. You can’t leave me hanging now.”
“Fine! What do you want to know? If I tell you, then will you be quiet for the remainder of the flight? I have a headache, and you chattering about my sex life is not helping it.” I gritted my teeth as I warned Wendy off. She smiled, or smirked, either one was just agitating me even further.
“Well?” She wasn’t backing down.
“I love you, you know I do, but I forgot how irritating you can be. Maybe you should have been the lawyer.”
“Oh, my baby girl, I’m having too much fun playing the role of your psychotherapist. Now, tell me.”
I let out a long winded sigh and answered her, “His name is Tommy Mills. He’s a friend, a good one, and nothing more.”
“And?” she questioned.
“And, nothing. In the wake of speaking to my mother and hurting her feelings once again, and then your call sent me into a down spiral, I was pretty much lost. So I took that loss and grief I was feeling, and add some layers of loneliness to it, and you have a classic case of falling back into old patterns. I didn’t want to be alone and face going back to my empty apartment, so I went a different way and ended up in my friend’s bed. Do I need to draw you a map? Or can you connect the dots to what happened next?”
“I’m sorry, baby.”
“For what? You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“Yes, I do. I knew sending that letter would devastate you. You would return back to a dark place. Hell, maybe you never left, but I knew. Then I called you and pushed some more. I knew in order to get you home, I had to see you in person. So, that is what I am sorry for.”
“Do my parents know?”
“Yes, they do. Connie wanted to call you first, test the waters, but you refused. Then she received your flowers, and then there was hope.”
“Wendy, I didn’t refuse her. Yes, I was hurting because of the anniversary, but I also was heading ou
t to court to hear the biggest verdict of my career. You remember the case I was asked to take on when I made partner?”
“I do, but I thought you stepped down from that.”
“I lied to you, but only because I didn’t want you to worry. My parents already were upset after the attempt on my life, I couldn’t bear to hurt you too.”
“Oh, Tenley! If anything would have happened to you, they would have never forgiven themselves for not protecting you. Your daddy would have dragged you by your ponytail back home where you would be safe. That was foolish of you and you could have been hurt.”
“Okay, I get it Wendy, but I’m fine, so drop it. Don’t you even care that I won?”
“Of course I do, but don’t you see that I love you more? We all love you more. Open your eyes and see us. If you ever want to be able to carry on with this life you say you want, then you need to come to terms with the old one first. You can have both. Loving your family doesn’t have to be a choice, but it should be the most natural thing in the world to you.”
“And Jagger? Will he see it that way too? You are wearing rose colored glasses, Wendy. How after all of this time can Jagger still want me?”
“I guess you’re going to have to ask him.”
“You’re that sure I will be welcomed to just walk in to his hospital room, as If I belong there?”
“Yeah, I do. Because it’s what Jagger wants.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“You’re going to have to trust me.”
“I guess I have no choice but to trust you. I hope you’re right.”
I can’t believe I’m back here again. How could I ever agree to Wendy’s request? Too late to turn back now. The sound coming over the loud speaker pulled me out of my deep thoughts as Wendy held my hand.
“Passengers, the captain has now turned on the fasten seatbelt sign. Please remain in your seats as we begin our decent into Jackson Hole. For those who are visiting, we wish you a great time in the beautiful state of Wyoming. For those of you who live here…Welcome Home.”
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