“I want a family to call my own someday, I just don’t know if that family is with Jagger. Too many years have gone by, and he deserves to be happy and loved by someone who loves him above anyone or anything. I’m just not sure if I’m that person. You know Jamie, this would be a good time to show me a sign that you’re listening to me.”
“You’re the right person,” I heard from behind me.
“Holy shit!!! Wendy!!! You have to stop sneaking up behind me like that! My heart can’t take it.”
“Oh, Tumbleweed, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I saw you pass by, and I just had a feeling where you might be headed. I took a chance and here you are.”
“So, are you my sign from Jamie? You seem to be his messenger these days.”
“I can be anything you want me to be, but I’ll settle for friend for now. You are struggling so much, and you don’t have to be. You came home. You made amends the best way you could, and you’ve been with Jagger. No one could really ask or expect much more from you.”
“Seriously? You don’t really believe that? I know my coming home is based on so much more than you just said. Wendy, a few conversations with mama and daddy is not making amends, it’s a first step. As for Jagger, I guess I didn’t turn out to be the saving grace everyone was hoping for. You had to see his parents yesterday. They were going on and on about Christmas, and how great it’s going to be to have me here. I’m so torn between my past and my present, my head is spinning. Everyone around me has hope, and I get within five feet of Jagger, and I’m just lost in his proximity. I’m flooded with sweet memories of us together. It takes all my strength not to shake him to wake up. Wendy, please tell me what to do.”
“What’s your heart telling you?”
“It’s screaming from the Teton Mountains to fight for him this time.”
“I do believe you have your answer, Tumbleweed. And you know what?”
“What is it?”
“I think it’s high time we stop calling you Tumbleweed.”
“Why do you say that? It was Jamie’s name for me.”
“Did you ever consider why that is?”
“Gee, Wendy, I don’t know. We live in Wyoming. I thought growing up it was a cute name, and because they used it in a loving manner toward me, it stuck.”
“Well, it may have served a purpose at one time, but not anymore. Some would argue that the term is meant to have no purpose. You travel down any given road the wind takes you. You see? It doesn’t suit you anymore because for the first time since Jamie died, you are on the right road. The road that brought you home. The road that led you back to your family. The road that led you back to the one you love. The road that led you back here to this very place you ran from. Don’t you see, Tenley? All roads lead home. You just needed a little reminding, that’s all. Get out of your analytical mind and just listen to your heart. It’s a good one that has been alone for too long now. You are a beautiful, smart, and incredibly accomplished young woman. We are so proud of you, but we also worry for you. If you can tell me that with all I’ve said here, is just an old woman hearing herself talk, then the subject is closed and we shall not speak of it again.”
“You’re not wrong, Wendy. It’s me who’s been wrong. How do I fix it?”
“I think you already know that answer. You don’t need me to tell you. Just listen to your heart. It knows what to do. Come on now, it’s cold up here, and I’m fixing to get some hot chocolate.”
“I think I need something a bit stronger than that. Can you give me a few more minutes up here? I’ll meet you back at your place.”
“Okay, honey, be safe. It’s beginning to get dark, and these hills are treacherous.”
“I may live in New York, but I haven’t forgotten my country.”
“Well, thank goodness for that. I do believe you’ve seen the light.”
“I love you, Wendy.”
“I love you more,” she said as she walked away.
“You heard all of that, right? Jamie, I can’t promise you a happy ending for Jagger and me. It’s complicated, and we have a lot to make up for. And that’s only if he’s willing to try with me. I can promise you this: I will for once in my life lead with my heart. I’ll try. That’s really the best I can promise you right now. Up to a week ago, I thought I had it all figured out, and now I’m here and my world is turned upside down. I know you’re smiling, maybe even smirking. You always knew me better than I knew myself. You were downright irritating at times, but I would give anything to have you here with me now. I will love you forever and always keep you in my heart. I have to go now, but I’ll be back with mama and daddy. I do believe that’s another request of yours. I won’t let you down this time.”
As I began to make my way down the hill, a gust of wind blew in my direction and showers of snow swept over my face. I looked up to heaven and smiled up at Jamie.
“I did ask for a sign, right? Better late than never. I love you big brother!”
Although I was staying back at the ranch, I felt I hadn’t been home in days. I’d been sitting vigil with Jagger and just going home to change clothes. I knew I needed a change of scenery, so I phoned my parents to meet me over at Wendy’s. She had a glass of her favorite brandy waiting for me and a blazing fire to warm the house. I was cold and wet from sitting on the ground in front of Jamie’s grave. Mom was bringing me fresh clothes to change into.
I cozied myself in Wendy’s oversized chair she kept near the fireplace. She liked to sit here and read her romance novels. She, after all, was the one that got me into reading. We would sit for hours and just laugh over all of the hot men in the books. I used to tease her all the time that I didn’t need to fantasize over a fictional character when I had the reality with Jagger.
I must have fallen asleep by the time mama and daddy arrived.
“Hey, my sweet girl, wake up now.” I stirred to my father’s voice. He was so incredibly handsome. He was wearing his wranglers with a red plaid shirt, boots, and to complete his look, his black Stetson hat.
“Hi, daddy. Mama is going to have to hog tie you down around the other ladies tonight. She can’t take you anywhere without women swooning over you.”
“Oh, my darling daughter. You are good for an old man’s ego, but the only swooning I want is from your lovely mother. And don’t count your mama out. She’s a looker, but lucky for me, she’s all mine.”
“That I am, Brock, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
“Well that’s good to hear, wife, because you’re stuck with me.”
Oh, how I had missed their banter with one another. They loved each other so much, it was a crazy, out of this world love, and they still went at each other as if they were teenagers. I want that. I want what my parents have.
“Are we eating, or what?” my father asked.
“Yes, daddy, we are. Can you give me a few minutes to shower and change?”
“You have fifteen minutes.”
“Seriously, Brock! I can barely wash my hair in that amount of time.” My mother said, as she kissed my cheek.
“Time’s a wasting. Go daughter…now!”
I laughed all the way up to Wendy’s bathroom. For the first time in a long time, I felt really good to just let go and see where the wind takes me. Not like a no direction Tumbleweed, but for the first time, feeling some peace for a change. Yeah, I like that.
We dined over at daddy’s favorite cowboy bar and restaurant. They had all of his favorites on the menu that he really shouldn’t be eating, but he said indulging once in a while won’t hurt. We took separate cars on account that I wanted to visit Jagger after dinner. It would be beyond visiting hours, but Shirley had made me up a special visitors pass. Mr. Parrish also listed me as family.
I wasn’t a rule breaker and didn’t want to cause any trouble, but I was also secretly happy to be able to come and go and have access to Jagger.
“I’m stuffed. Daddy, those ribs were huge. How many did you eat?”
“No worries, daddy. It’s just dinner.”
“No, I don’t mean dinner, I meant to say thank you for visiting with your brother today. Judging by the condition of your clothes when we arrived at Wendy’s, I figured you went up there.”
My mother was quiet, but peace was written all over her face. She held my father’s hand and listened as my father spoke to me.
“It’s not an easy place to be, and I get that. In the beginning, I did everything in my power to evade that place. I didn’t want my boy to be there, but I knew his precious soul was already in heaven and it was his body that now has returned to the earth. Are you okay? Is there anything you want to talk about?” Daddy asked.
“Do you mean the letter?”
“Yes. Wendy dropped it off while you were riding this morning and instructed me to give it to you.”
“I’m okay daddy, but thank you for asking. I’m trying to understand what was going through Jamie’s mind while writing those letters to me. Jamie asked me to visit and to bring you two with me. While I was there, I promised I would return with you soon.”
“We will be ready when you are. Your brother loved you very much. I don’t have the why to his reasons for the letters, but it’s clear that your brother was thinking of you and your future happiness to the very end. We love you so much, daughter. Please understand that in our darkest hours of grief, if you ever felt that we pushed you away for any reason, I am truly sorry for that. You are our child, no matter how old you are. Grief can cripple one’s soul, and it did for your mother and me for a while, but we forged ahead, and never considered how you were affected by his loss. Sure, I knew to some degree. Hell, I was the one that put you on the bus. But sweetie, I thought I was doing the right thing by you. I supported your choice of law school because we always wanted to give you anything you wanted. If I could, I would have kept you home with us.”
“Daddy, where is all of this coming from? It’s done.”
“It’s not done until I tell you the last part.”
“When you were accepted into Yale Law School. I thought my heart was going to burst with joy. I was so proud of you. We were so damn proud of you. Our baby girl was going to be a lawyer. Of course, I panicked at the sheer thought of you being so far away, but your brother convinced me to support you and ultimately let you go. I’m sorry I kept his worsening condition from you. He begged me not to tell you his secret, and all I could do was give him what he wanted. I suspect it may be one of the reasons why you never returned home up to now. Jamie’s funeral was a complete blur, so I’m counting this as your first time home.”
“I don’t think I can take a separation like that again, nor can your mother. You will always have a home with us, and please, whatever you decide for you, I hope we are included in your decisions. We need our daughter in our lives, and it’s not okay to be without you anymore. You are all we have left, Tenley. I promise you with all that I am, and for the rest of my life, I will never take you for granted again.”
My father’s declaration had taken me by surprise. He was always an attentive father, but it was my mother who always did most of the talking. My father spoiled me, and pretty much favored what mama said, or just would give in. To listen to him speak with his heart on his sleeve broke my heart. It showed me how much I’d hurt them with my absence and refusal to come home when they repeatedly asked me to.
I wiped my tears away and held both of their hands. “I love you two so much. I’m sorry I hurt you when I should have been here with you. Can you please forgive me?”
“Oh, baby girl! There is nothing to forgive. We love you too,” mama said.
“I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I promise to tell you first. I have so much to work out and I’m not sure what will happen with Jagger. I know I don’t ever want to disappoint you again, so please be patient with me?”
I don’t know who was crying more, but the waiter broke up our group hug and delivered us three heaping plates of moose track pie with extra vanilla ice cream on top. Daddy licked his lips and dug in to his portion.
It was nearing nine o’clock, and we said our goodbyes. I promised them I would be back sometime tomorrow. I had planned on staying in town tonight. Now back at Jagger’s room, I sat in my usual spot and began talking to Jagger.
“So today was pretty crazy. Shane and I butted heads, again. Then I met his bitchy fiancé, who turned out to be a sweetheart, so I take that back. Fantasized about you. Yes, really naughty thoughts. That’s another story. Anyway, I visited with Jamie. It was my first time since he died. Jagger, I felt he was with me the entire time, and he even threw snow at my face. You remember all of the snowball fights we used to have? He would nail me every time, and then you and Shane would team up and clobber him. By the time the battle was over, we were all soaked and shivering from being cold and wet. Well, I would like to think it was Jamie giving me a sign, but who knows? These past days spent here have been a revelation for me. A self-discovery of me and who I am.”
“You live in a dark bubble for so long, and that’s all you see. Sure I was functioning in my day to day, but not really living. I can say that now without question. Being home puts things in perspective for you. I’ve said more apologies this week to more people than I can count on one hand, and all I really want is your forgiveness.”
“Jagger, I know I was foolish back then and so reckless, but I’m trying to move past that and begin again. The past is the past and I can’t change anything about it, but learn from it and hopefully not repeat them. I’ve recently messed up with a friend of mine in New York. That’s another story, but my point is, I now know I was allowing my past to define me. I can’t do that anymore. I have to be able to let people in and embrace their love, as well as give love.”
“Please wake up, Jagger, and I promise I will do everything in my power to get you well again. I promise to do anything for you. You just have to ask, and I’ll do it. This time, I will put you first, I promise. Wake up, cowboy…please open your eyes? I’m exhausted and in need of some sleep. I will be back tomorrow, and we can pick up this conversation.”
My eyes roamed over his body from head to toe. He was so tall, he barely fit into this bed. I looked over at his cast. He had so many signatures on it in all colors. Shane drew a picture of She-devil and put in a bubble… “I’m sorry,” which reminded me to talk to Shane about the accident. I didn’t want to deal with that now. Jagger needed to wake up first. There would be plenty of time to talk about it at another time.
“Okay, I really have to go now. My eyes are going to close, and I don’t want to end up here beside you. I love you, Jagger.”
I kissed him on his forehead and wished for him to awaken.
As my hand went for the doorknob, I heard a familiar voice call out to me. It was scratchy sounding, but it was him. I was frozen, but managed to turn around. His brown eyes were focused solely on me.
“Tenley, come here baby.”
My heart was racing. He’s awake. He’s talking. I have to call a nurse, but he’s drawing me in with just four words. I grabbed his hand and kissed it with my tears flowing, and gazed into his eyes. He struggled to speak, but managed to clear his throat. I gave him a sip of water.
“I just have one thing to say to you,” he was able to get out of his dry, itchy throat.
I leaned in to hear what he would say. Now I was scared. What if he rejects me? I have to prepare myself for anything. I’ve been back home for days, and now it’s the moment of truth. I tried my best to keep my erratic heart under control while waiting to hear his words that would decide my fate. Jagger gripped my hand and with a lone tear falling down his cheek, he whispered…
“Stay with me.”
My tears matched his. I wanted to hold him, touch him, and scream, “Yes”, but I held back and just took in the beautiful man before me. Three words that held so much promise for a new start with the man I
love. Maybe it is possible after all for a second chance for Jagger and me. If you would have asked me two weeks ago if I would be pondering this question, I would have said no. So much as changed since receiving Jamie’s letter. What else did my brother have planned out in the stars for me?
On the day I crushed his heart all those years ago, I questioned if I fit into his world. He screamed that I was his world and he wanted me with him.
Now five years later, here I am. How did I ever think I could just come home and easily leave again? Where do we go from here?
Only time will tell.
MY SUBCONSCIOUS WASN’T playing tricks with my brain. She was here. Tenley was here and she was real and not just a figment of my imagination. I desperately wanted to open my eyes to see her, but I was afraid.
I was afraid on what she might do once I did. The last time we were this close to each other, she turned and left me on my knees at the bus station. She said no to staying behind with me in Wyoming. She said no to my marriage proposal, she just said…no.
Tenley Fairchild broke my heart more times than I could count on one hand. First with applying to school so far away from our home. Fighting with me and nearly killing herself on my daddy’s ATV. Bedding and fucking my best friend. Rejecting me when I chose to forgive her, and finally, just stopped fighting for us.
I stayed away because of Jamie, and what he asked of me. It was the least I could do for my dying brother, but she stayed away because she gave up. Tenley was no quitter in anything she did in her life, but after losing her brother, she lost a piece of herself too. I never stopped loving her. She was the sun, moon, and stars in my life, and I would not lose her again. The thought of watching her leave was just not possible for me to even entertain. No! This girl was not going anywhere this time, not while I still drew breath in my lungs and had these two arms to hold her.
She was even more beautiful since I last saw her. She still had an innocence about her, but she matured into a woman with adult features. Her hair was different. Long and pin straight, a bit darker, but still gorgeous. My fingers were itching to run through her thick tresses and wrap her hair around my wrist. I wanted to keep her as close as I can. She still had her lovely fair skin color, but I saw a hint of rosiness to her cheeks. A natural blush, I gather. She always blushed when she was happy. Her hazel eyes were glassy, but I saw a speck of sparkle to them.
All Roads Lead Home Page 13