by Laura Martin
He glanced up at Emma and knew that as yet she didn’t understand, that at the moment she pitied him and his childhood. Seb hadn’t told this story for pity; he had to make her see what he was really like, what he could turn into.
‘I went back to school and gradually I forgot, or at least I suppressed the memory. Every holiday it became easier to come home and eventually I stopped wondering if I would walk in on something untoward. I accepted the incident had been a one-off.’
‘You can’t blame yourself for moving on,’ Emma said softly.
He did though. He blamed himself for not looking harder, for not wanting to know for sure.
‘When I was eighteen I went off to Cambridge. We were let off our studies a couple of days early and I thought I’d surprise my parents by arriving home early for Christmas.’
He’d been exuberant on the journey home, bursting to tell his parents stories of his first term at Cambridge.
‘When I got home the house was quiet. There were no servants downstairs to greet me. I thought it odd, but didn’t realise the implications.’
Seb felt Emma’s grip on his hand tighten as she realised he was getting to the crux of his tale.
‘I heard a noise, just a faint sobbing sound, and immediately I knew it was my mother.’
Seb could remember running up the stairs, taking them three at a time, dreading what he would find when he was at the top.
‘I burst into my mother’s bedroom. It was the first time in years that I’d been inside. And there he was, punching her over and over again in the stomach.’
Seb felt the bile rise in his throat as he relived the moment he’d seen his father beat his mother so viciously. Emma had gone completely still beside him.
‘He didn’t realise I was there at first, and he just kept punching her, telling her what a useless woman she was.’
His mother had been facing him and her eyes had locked with his and silently she’d begged him to leave.
‘I saw red. I couldn’t control myself. I pulled my father away from her and before he knew what was happening I was pummelling him. I hit him for all the years of misery he must have put my mother through.’ Seb took a deep breath. ‘I nearly killed him, Emma. I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted him to hurt like he’d made her hurt. I wanted him to bleed.’
He took a couple of deep breaths and continued. ‘A footman heard the commotion and pulled me off him. It took three of them to finally restrain me.’
By that point his father had been a bloody mess, his features nearly indistinguishable.
‘He was in bed for a week. During that time I begged my mother to leave him. Promised her I would take care of her, but she wouldn’t, she stayed by his side.’
‘What did you do?’ Emma asked.
‘I was so angry with them both. I hated him but I was angry with my mother for not leaving him.’
Emma nodded as if sensing there was something he hadn’t told her yet.
‘When my father began to recover I refused to stay in the same house as him. I took a room in the inn in the village and went to visit my mother every day. Every day I begged her to leave him.’
‘But she wouldn’t.’
Seb shook his head. ‘My father largely stayed out of my way, but he was always there in the background, watching us, wielding his power over my mother.’
He swallowed as he felt the lump start to form in his throat.
‘I was due to go back to Cambridge, but I knew I couldn’t leave my mother. I worried what my father would do to her if I wasn’t around.’
Emma squeezed his hand and encouraged him to continue.
‘Not that my presence did much good.’ Seb felt the tears build in his eyes and blinked them away. ‘One afternoon I went up to the house. Just as I was waiting to see my mother, to try one last time to convince her to leave, I heard raised voices. My father was shouting at her.’
Seb took a deep breath and tried to continue. ‘Then I heard an awful crash. I came running out into the hall to find my mother at the bottom of the stairs. She wasn’t moving.’
Emma moved in closer to him, but Seb hardly noticed. He was back in his ancestral home, looking down at his mother’s unseeing eyes.
‘My father was just standing at the top of the stairs, not moving.’
‘Did he...?’ Emma’s words trailed off.
Seb didn’t know how to answer because he didn’t know. ‘Did he push her? I don’t know. He told everyone she wasn’t concentrating and she slipped. It could be the truth, but, if he was capable of beating her, he was certainly capable of pushing her down the stairs.’
‘What did you do?’ Emma asked.
‘I left. After the funeral I knew I couldn’t stay anywhere near my father. I left home and I left England and eventually I left Europe. I never saw my father again.’
There was silence as Seb tried to separate himself from the memories and Emma struggled to take in what he’d told her.
‘So you see,’ he said eventually, ‘that’s why I can’t ever marry.’
Chapter Nineteen
Emma frowned. Sebastian’s tale was awful, there was no denying that, but she still didn’t quite understand why his past, and in particular his father, meant he couldn’t get married.
‘You do know you are not the same man as your father?’ Emma asked softly.
Sebastian shook his head. ‘I’m capable of great violence, Emma. I nearly killed my father.’
‘For beating your mother. You were protecting her.’
Sebastian shook his head again. ‘It doesn’t matter. I have that same rage inside me.’
Emma stroked the back of his hand softly with her thumb. She could see the anguish in his eyes and wished she could take away all the pain and guilt.
‘You did what any good man would do. You defended your mother against someone who was hurting her.’
Sebastian turned towards her and Emma nearly gasped at the emptiness in his eyes. It was as though his soul had been ripped from his body.
‘I saw red, Emma—when I walked in and he was punching her, I couldn’t control my actions.’
Emma nodded, knowing there was more to come.
‘My father has written to me many times since I left England, but it was his first letter that chilled me to the bone.’ He took a deep breath and stared into the distance. ‘He tried to explain why he did what he did. His excuse? “Sometimes he saw red.”’
Emma didn’t know what to say. Somehow she had to get across that Sebastian wasn’t the same man as his father, that just because he’d experienced uncontrollable rage towards the man who was beating his mother, that didn’t mean he in turn would hurt an innocent woman. She could see he was drowning in guilt and worry about what kind of man he might be.
‘Sebastian,’ Emma said gently, waiting for him to meet her eye before continuing, ‘you are one of the finest men I’ve ever known. You are good and honest and true. You can’t run from life just because of an unsubstantiated worry that you might have some of your father in you.’
‘I can’t risk it,’ Sebastian said, his voice hoarse. ‘If I were to...’ He trailed off. ‘If we were to marry and then I hurt you, I couldn’t live with myself. And I can’t take the risk of hurting someone who means so much to me.’
Emma’s heart swelled inside her chest. She had known he was attracted to her, that much was obvious from their multiple kisses, but she hadn’t been sure if his feelings ran any deeper. Now she knew; he cared for her. He hadn’t said he loved her, but he cared for her and that made her head spin and her heart soar.
‘You can’t live your whole life in the shadows, missing out on what’s important, just because of a fear of what you might be.’
Sebastian shook his head. ‘That’s better than turning into a man
like my father.’
‘You’re stronger than that, Sebastian.’ She reached up and brushed her fingers across his cheek. ‘I believe in you. I believe you would be able to control yourself if the anger started to creep up.’
He looked deep into her eyes for a long minute and Emma knew he was battling with himself. She could tell he wanted to believe her, that he wanted to give himself permission to do all the things that he had been so far denied.
Emma shuffled closer to him, careful to keep her ankle completely still. Her body was aching with longing for this man. She wanted to cover his lips with her own and make the years of pain and guilt disappear.
She hesitated. It was one thing being a good friend to him, to convince him to live his life to the full and believe he was a good person, but Emma knew she wanted much more than that. She wanted to feel the heat of his body as he pressed up against her and she wanted to feel the caress of his lips over her skin.
She knew it would be a bad idea—past experience had shown her that—but Sebastian was different. She knew he wouldn’t abandon her in the middle of the night. He might not want to marry her, but he was a good man; he wouldn’t leave her alone to fend for herself.
Emma wondered if she was just fooling herself. After Freddie she had vowed never to let another man come close to her, a vow that hadn’t been difficult to keep because she hadn’t desired anyone. Until now. Maybe that desire was clouding her judgement.
Emma raised her hand again and tentatively ran a finger over Sebastian’s jaw. Far from the clean-shaven man she had first met in Cairo, Sebastian now had a thick beard, which he kept trimmed close to his face.
Their eyes locked together and Emma knew she was lost. It might be a bad idea and it might be against every promise she’d made to herself, but she knew soon she wouldn’t be able to stop. One kiss from Sebastian’s lips and she would be lost.
Slowly Sebastian dipped his head and moved towards her. Emma held her breath in anticipation of his lips meeting hers. The kiss started out soft, a gentle brush of his lips against hers, but Emma knew she needed more.
Her fingers snaked through his hair and pulled him more firmly against her, the kiss quickly turning from tentative to passionate. Sebastian looped his arm around her back and gently laid her down on the blanket spread beneath them.
Emma gasped as his lips left hers and started to trail across her jaw and down her neck. She shuddered with pleasure as he nibbled on her earlobe and drew his lips over the soft skin of her cheek. And then suddenly his mouth was back on hers and he kissed her with such an intensity Emma almost forgot to breathe. She gasped as she felt his tongue dart between her lips and join with hers and she felt her hips instinctively rise to meet his.
All too soon he pulled away, holding himself just inches above her. Emma froze, wondering whether he was going to stop completely, wondering if she would actually scream with frustration if he did.
‘I want to see you,’ he whispered, his voice hoarse.
Emma nodded, but didn’t move, unsure exactly what he wanted her to do.
Gently Sebastian started pulling Emma’s shirt out of the waistband of her trousers. She shivered as his fingers brushed against the thin cotton of the chemise covering her abdomen and she felt her whole body tighten in anticipation. Slowly he lifted the shirt up, and Emma obligingly raised her head so he could slip it off.
Even though she was still clad in her chemise and trousers Emma felt rather exposed. No one had ever looked at her the way Sebastian was looking at her. It was as though he wanted to devour her with his eyes.
Sebastian began caressing her abdomen with the palm of his hand, the warmth of his skin easily penetrating her thin chemise.
‘You next,’ Emma said breathlessly, causing him to pause a second, then chuckle.
‘I suppose it’s only fair,’ he said eventually as he slipped his shirt over his head.
Emma had seen Sebastian’s naked torso before, when she had peeked whilst he exited the oasis, but this time he was so much closer. Tentatively she raised her hand and raked her fingers over his skin. Sebastian let his head arch back and groaned.
Suddenly he dipped and caught her mouth with his own, his body pressing against hers. Emma relished the warmth of his skin penetrating the thin cotton of her chemise and wondered what it would feel like if her bare skin were pressed against his.
She didn’t have to wonder for long. After a minute Sebastian broke off the kiss and gripped the bottom of Emma’s chemise.
‘I need to see you,’ he said again, his voice thick and gravelly.
Emma nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
Torturously slowly Sebastian lifted her chemise so it exposed her stomach. He paused just before he reached her breasts, glancing at Emma before continuing.
As her skin was bared to the night air Emma felt it start to tighten. She felt the buds of her nipples harden in response to Sebastian’s gaze and unconsciously she arched her back up, urging him to touch her.
It was far from the gentle caress she’d imagined; Emma almost squealed as Sebastian lowered his head to take one nipple into his mouth. She writhed as he flicked and sucked and she let out a low moan of pleasure mixed with desire.
Without lifting his mouth from her skin, Sebastian trailed kisses across the valley between her breasts and caught the other nipple in his mouth. Emma wondered if she would explode from the sheer pleasure of it. She felt her hips bucking upwards instinctively and she let her hands trail through Sebastian’s hair, urging him to continue with his sensual assault.
All too soon he broke off the contact and lifted himself so he was once again a few inches above her.
‘Where were we?’ he asked.
‘You were...er...’ Emma trailed off as she felt the first flood of blood to her cheeks.
‘Ah, yes, we were helping you to undress.’
Emma caught his hand as he reached for the waistband of her trousers.
‘It’s your turn.’
He grinned, then kicked off his boots and socks.
Emma frowned.
‘That’s hardly fair,’ she said. ‘My boots had to come off earlier.’
‘I’ll make it up to you.’
Emma was about to protest further when he lowered his lips to her skin and started to pepper kisses across her abdomen. As his mouth dipped even lower she shuddered in anticipation. Gently Sebastian hooked one hand into the waistband of her trousers and ran his finger across her hidden skin.
Emma froze, realising the scroll was tucked into her waistband. She knew when Sebastian’s fingers came upon it and she watched as slowly he plucked the ancient papyrus from her trousers and carefully placed it into the bag at her side. Then his attention was focussed once again entirely on her.
‘Your turn,’ he said.
Emma felt her hips pushing up towards him as he quickly unfastened the belt and buttons holding her trousers up. She obligingly lifted her bottom from the ground as Sebastian tugged the trousers down and discarded them over his shoulders.
Emma knew the intensity of Sebastian’s gaze as his eyes travelled down her body should make her want to cover up. Here she was lying naked underneath him, spread out brazenly, and instead of feeling ashamed she felt empowered. She loved the desire in his eyes as he perused her body and she loved the reaction she elicited from him.
‘You’re beautiful,’ Sebastian said simply.
Emma felt the tears flood to her eyes. She could see he meant it. It wasn’t a meaningless compliment from a man more interested in her inheritance than in her. And it wasn’t flattery designed to get her into bed. Here she was, already resolved to give herself to Sebastian and he was telling her how beautiful she was.
She blinked the tears away and gasped as Sebastian ran his fingers across her lower abdomen. His gaze was fixed som
ewhat lower and Emma knew it was only a matter of time before he touched her there. Ever so slowly he trailed backwards and forward across her skin. Emma felt herself writhe and buck under his touch and even though she knew it was wanton she just wanted his fingers to graze over her most private of places.
‘Patience, my love,’ Sebastian said with a grin. ‘We’ll get there in good time.’
‘Isn’t it your turn to undress?’ Emma asked, her breathing laboured as she struggled to control her desire.
‘Soon.’
Emma felt her hips buck as Sebastian’s finger dipped lower and rested on her silky folds. He paused a second, then Emma gasped as he dipped inside her.
Her eyes were wide open with shock as he continued to caress and stroke her, working her up into a frenzy. She heard a guttural moan and realised the sound had escaped from her own lips. Emma’s hips started to thrust in time to his fingers and as he caressed and massaged her most sensitive area Emma felt a tightening deep inside her.
Sebastian slowly increased the pace and Emma felt a tingling spreading all over her body. She writhed beneath his touch, simultaneously begging him to go faster, deeper and pleading for him to stop. She didn’t know if she could take much more pleasure.
Suddenly Emma felt her whole world stop. The tightening inside exploded and waves of pleasure spread through her body. She tried to grip the ground with her fingers and felt her toes curl on the ends of her feet. A scream of pleasure exploded from deep within her throat and for an eternity it felt as though she were floating.
After a while Emma started to regain her senses. She pushed herself up on her elbows and looked at Sebastian, her eyes wide.
‘What was that?’ she asked, her voice shaky.
Sebastian grinned. ‘Did you enjoy it?’
‘I don’t think “enjoy” is a strong enough word,’ she said eventually.
Sebastian leant over her and gently kissed her on the lips.
‘You deserve to be cherished and pleasured every day of your life,’ he murmured in her ear.