by Lindsey Kelk
‘My mum burned mine,’ Lou said as she rolled over, disappearing into the big, fluffy pillows. ‘Can I stay here? I don’t think I’ve got the energy to walk all the way next door.’
‘Yes, after travelling half the way around the world, the ten steps to the next villa are what’s going to finish you off,’ I said, running my hand over the walnut dresser, hand-painted screens and the absolutely massive telly, before peeking into the bathroom. ‘But since there’s a big basket full of personalized swag in the bathroom, I think you might want to go and get your own.’
‘I’ll see you in a bit then,’ Lou grunted as she rolled off my bed, grabbed her suitcase and ran out the villa.
‘Dinner’s at seven,’ I shouted, checking the time on the antique clock by my bed. ‘Don’t fall asleep!’
‘I can be ready to do the school run in five minutes flat, I could be ready to meet the Queen in an hour,’ she called before the door slammed shut behind her.
I padded across the hardwood floors and stepped back out onto the balcony. The sun was low. We were only an hour away from sunset, and the light, bright blue sky was streaked with pink, already tarting itself up for the night ahead.
‘Something you should be doing too,’ I told myself. Who knew what kind of glamazons would be at dinner. Jenny said Précis had invited influencers from all over the world and I was doing my best not to worry about it but, after my experience with The M.O.B., I was more than a little bit anxious about having to make new friends.
I pulled out my phone to check the time in New York. If it was six p.m. in Hawaii, it was eleven p.m. in New York. Alex would probably be awake but I didn’t want to wake Alice by calling. That said, it might wake his mum up too …
‘Be the bigger person,’ I told myself, peeling away my plane layers and tapping out a text.
‘I am grateful for each and every gift of experience life sends my way,’ I whispered, settling into a sun lounger in nothing but my bra, knickers and the lei they had given us at the airport while I waited for Alex to reply. If you couldn’t really get stuck into your affirmations in Hawaii at sunset, when could you?
‘This road is mine and mine alone and I will travel in grace and power.’
I smiled as I watched the sun slip away until there was nothing left but a slash of orange reflecting off the far-away seas, and breathed out, full of nothing but gratitude, peace and the Toblerone I’d eaten on the way over. Snide in-laws and sulky husbands aside, this was setting itself up to be the most perfect trip of my entire life.
Because what could possibly go wrong?
CHAPTER NINE
‘Lou?’
I knocked on the door of the neighbouring villa an hour later, as gussied up as I was capable of getting. My hair was clean, my face was presentable and I was wearing my favourite new outfit: flat leather sandals paired with a buttercup-yellow midi dress from Paul & Joe that had little covered buttons running from the low sweetheart neckline all the way down to the fitted-but-not-so-fitted-that-I-couldn’t-eat waist. I had taken button-up tops for granted until I had to breastfeed but now they were right up there next to skirts with pockets on my sartorial preferences chart. You never knew when you’d need to pop out a boob and Alice did not enjoy being stuffed under a jumper, let me tell you.
‘Lou, are you ready?’
When she didn’t bound out the door, ready and waiting, I tried the handle.
‘Someone still lives in the suburbs,’ I muttered to myself when it opened immediately. ‘Come on, you tart. If we’re late Jenny will beat us with two very large sticks.’
But Louisa wasn’t coming to dinner. Louisa was passed out, fast asleep on top of her bed, happily buried in a nest of pillows. Jetlag had finally claimed its victim.
‘This is all for karma points,’ I whispered, pulling a blanket off her sofa and carefully laying it over her legs. I had to be out of the red by now.
Creeping out of the room, I closed her door and ventured back out to the main house, prepared to brave the welcome dinner alone.
My timing was perfect. The exact moment I walked into the gorgeous main house of Hala Lanai, the attention of the assembled masses was squarely focused on Jenny, who was tapping a spoon against a crystal champagne flute at the front of the room. And what an assembled mass it was. There had to be around twenty of the most gorgeous creatures I’d ever laid eyes on, all milling around the open-concept living room. A sweet-smelling fire was burning in the fireplace and women who could easily have passed for models were draped on endless squishy-looking seating options that had been positioned around the vast but still cosy room so that each and every perch had a view of the Pacific Ocean. Instead of walls, the house had sliding slabs of glass, all the better for dolphin-watching or seeing who was hanging out in the cliff-edge infinity pool. It didn’t feel possible that this could be someone’s home but I would very much have liked it to be mine.
‘Aloha, everyone!’
The excited chatter in the dining room died down as Jenny climbed on top of a coffee table to give her speech. I gave her a quick wave which she returned with a wink before getting back to business.
‘My name is Jenny and it’s my great honour to be your host this weekend. We’re all here to celebrate the new True Soul mascara from Précis Cosmetics which I hope you all found in your bathrooms this evening, but most importantly we’re here to have a great time. We’re super lucky to be staying at Hala Lanai, a private estate belonging to the one and only fashion legend, Bertie Bennett, so please relax and enjoy yourself, but remember this is also someone’s home, so no shoes on the soft furnishings is what I’m saying.’
Cue half polite laughter and half girls removing their shoes from the soft furnishings.
‘When you get back to your rooms after dinner, you’ll find a couple more treats and a schedule of events for the next few days. We’ve got a ton of fun stuff planned for you guys but if there’s anything at all that you need, just grab me or Jesse or Sumi—’
Two girls I recognized from EWPR raised their hands to identify themselves.
‘And we will hook you up with whatever your heart desires.’
Jenny climbed down from the coffee table, landing delicately on her four-inch heels as I considered my heart’s desires. A good night’s sleep, an uninterrupted bath and Richard Madden delivering me breakfast in bed and then politely asking about my day while I binge-watched an adult-appropriate TV show should do it.
‘Oh,’ Jenny held up a hand to silence the excited early burble of conversation while she finished her thought. ‘And please use “hashtag True Soul” and “hashtag ad” in all your social posts otherwise I’ll have to hunt you down and kill you. Thanks, guys!’
It was nice to see that work Jenny was very much the same as regular Jenny.
Everyone clapped our appreciation and or fear as dozens of waiters appeared from all corners of the room, some passing out different foods on skewers and others filling a long candlelit dining table that was set on the patio outside.
I looked around for faces I might recognize as Jenny worked the room, and eventually found my former co-worker Eva, lounging on a daybed in front of the pool outside.
‘Hey!’ She sat up as I approached, a cheerful grin on her face. ‘You’re here!’
‘I’m here!’ I confirmed happily. Eva was a ridiculously young and ridiculously successful YouTuber who was also ridiculously nice. The three things rarely went together so I made an effort to be especially appreciative of her. Not only because I liked her but because I wanted to be spared should she ever go to the dark side. Even technophobe me knew better than to get on the wrong side of a YouTuber.
‘So,’ I said, nodding at the elaborate eyebrow brigade all around us. ‘Do you know who all these people are?’
‘I do,’ she confirmed, her honey-blonde afro bobbing as she nodded. ‘I see Lily from London, that’s Pearl and Darcy, they’re from the UK too, sister vloggers. They do fun lifestyle stuff. I definitely saw Elodie and Violet earlier, I met the
m on a trip to Paris one time, and I think someone said there were some people here from Germany and Switzerland. Précis is big there, makes sense.’
‘I didn’t realize there would be so many people,’ I said, leaning against her chair and wishing I’d made more of an effort with my makeup. What was I thinking? This was a beauty trip. A slick of lip gloss and a powdered nose was not going to cut it.
‘Jenny said we’d all be breaking up into smaller groups after tonight,’ Eva shrugged. ‘This place is so huge, we probably won’t see half of them again.’
‘I would be fine with that,’ I said, watching one of the French vloggers position herself on the edge of the infinity pool for a photo, hanging over the cliff and pouting into her own camera. I couldn’t watch. Death by selfie.
‘Be still my heart. If it isn’t my old beard, Angela Clark.’
Instead of giving me a hug like a normal person, James Jacobs scooped me up off my feet and tossed me over his shoulder before I could even turn around.
‘Put me down, you big knob,’ I squealed upside down, watching him extend a hand to a perplexed Eva.
‘Beard?’ she asked.
‘Long story,’ I replied, pinching the tender spot on the back of his arm until he put me down. ‘Don’t ask.’
‘The first time we met, I tried to seduce Angela into being my pretend girlfriend so no one would know I was gay,’ James said, following up his handshake with a kiss on each of Eva’s cheeks. ‘But her overpowering femininity convinced me to come out instead.’
‘You’re such a cock,’ I grumbled before grudgingly accepting a real hug.
‘No, I like cock,’ he corrected. ‘And thanks to you, now everybody knows it.’
Even when he was being a tit, you couldn’t help but love that man. Breaking off the hug, I wrapped an arm around his waist and leaned my head on his shoulder. Big blue eyes, curly brown hair and a jaw so square it made Superman look like a total puss. He looked like a movie star. Probably because he was one. And it was especially nice to have your gay husband around when your real one was ignoring your calls.
‘That’s crazy,’ Eva grinned. ‘Why did you have to pretend you weren’t gay?’
‘Angela, I don’t know this girl but I’m obsessed with her,’ James said, squeezing my shoulder, a delighted look on his face. ‘God, I wish I was coming out now, it’s a much better time for it. Career killer back then, love, Hollywood thought no one wanted to go to the pictures knowing they were fantasizing about a poof. But everyone’s queer these days and no one cares in the slightest, it’s wonderful. Still plenty of actors in the closet, though.’
‘Really?’ Eva’s head popped straight up like a millennial meerkat. ‘Like who?’
He held up his whiskey and winked. ‘Let me put a couple more of these away so I can claim plausible deniability tomorrow.’
‘You auditioned for Hamilton in London then?’ I asked.
‘Too fucking right, I did,’ he replied. ‘Now, is Lopez bullshitting or what? Does she really know Bertie Bennett?’
I nodded, eyeing the passing waiters like a hawk and grabbing a pineapple skewer as soon as they came close enough. ‘He’s one of her clients. He designed her wedding dress, she didn’t tell you?’
‘All I remember about Jenny’s wedding was waking up in a room that wasn’t mine,’ he said, smiling at the memory. ‘But I’m sure she looked divine. Have you met him?’
‘No,’ I replied, wondering who exactly he’d hooked up with. ‘But Jenny says he’s amazing. There are so many mad stories about him getting up to shenanigans with super celebs back in the day. I once saw a photo of him carrying Debbie Harry around Studio 54 on his shoulders and I was not unimpressed.’
‘He is amazing and, let me tell you, all the mad stories are true.’
I turned my head to see Paige appear, glowing from head to toe in a white silk slip, held together by tiny ties at her shoulders. Why was I the only one who looked as though they had spent the last fifteen hours travelling, I thought, giving my own pallid cheek a pinch. I’d done everything the internet said I was supposed to, I’d even used a sheet mask on the flight from New York to Honolulu and scared Louisa half to death when she woke up from a nap.
‘You’ve met him?’ James asked, dropping me like a hot rock and turning his attention to Paige.
‘He’s the absolute best,’ she nodded. ‘The sweetest gentleman, he’d do anything for anyone. He told me an incredible story about the time he made a dress for Princess Margaret and how they ended up getting rat-arsed in Buck House before the Queen came in and gave them all a bollocking. I didn’t quite believe it until I found a photograph of Princess Margaret wearing the dress.’
‘My kind of man. I’m James, friends call me Jim,’ he said, lighting up as Paige shook his hand. ‘Pleasure to meet you.’
‘Of course I know who you are,’ she said with a pretty laugh. ‘Paige Sullivan, I’m the new vice president of content at Besson.’
‘Is that right?’ James cast his eyes from Paige to me. I chomped down on my last piece of pineapple and desperately looked around for more. ‘Which makes you, what, Angela’s boss?’
‘Oh,’ Paige answered. ‘I suppose it does.’
‘Has anyone seen the pineapple man anywhere?’ I asked, covering my mouth with my hand.
‘No but I can smell drama,’ James whispered in my ear.
‘I’m amazed you can smell anything over that aftershave,’ I replied curtly.
‘It’s Tom Ford,’ he shot back, horrified.
‘Smells like piss,’ I hissed.
Before we could exchange any more cutting insults, Jenny sailed over on a cloud of a more classy perfume and a good night’s sleep.
‘Hi, hi, hi. Everyone looks amazing,’ she said to everyone, standing on tiptoes and bending down for assorted hugs and kisses. ‘Angie, cute dress.’
‘It’s yours,’ I held out the fabric for everyone’s approval. ‘Remember? You said it made you look fat so you gave it to me.’
‘I know.’ She chomped on a chip, glancing around the room. ‘Looks great on you, though.’
‘We really shouldn’t judge ourselves on how we look in our clothes.’ A dark-haired English woman with a cut-glass accent forced her way in between James and Jenny, giving everyone within spitting distance a filthy look. ‘Your self-worth shouldn’t be tied to how tight your jeans are.’
‘It isn’t,’ Jenny replied with a very serious look on her face. ‘It’s tied to how loose they are.’
The woman let out a tiny sigh before flicking a strand of her expertly waved hair over her bronzed shoulder. I hadn’t seen her on the plane, I had no idea who she was and it was quite clear that she had no idea who Jenny was. I couldn’t believe La Lopez was about to let a hair toss that snide pass by unacknowledged.
‘I think that’s very sad,’ the woman declared, waving a glass of champagne around in the air in front of her. ‘I think we should all accept the universe exactly as it is.’
She had a smile on her face but I noticed Jenny’s fingers were curled into tight little fists at her sides. I was prepared to bet there would still be fingernail imprints in her palms in the morning.
‘Couldn’t agree more,’ Jenny replied evenly. Her first true professional test of the trip and she passed with flying colours. ‘Can I get you something to eat?’
‘Perhaps.’ The woman turned up her tiny nose and winced. ‘I don’t eat fried foods, red meat, sugar, carbs, dairy, gluten or pulses.’
‘Just as nature intended,’ Jenny smiled. ‘We haven’t met yet but I’m guessing you must be Lily?’
‘Lily Lashgasm,’ she confirmed with a nod. I flicked my eyes up to James, looking for silent confirmation that it was a stupid name. ‘I arrived a while before you all but don’t worry, I shan’t tell Précis there was no one here to meet me.’
‘Except for the entire seventy-five-person staff for a twelve-room hotel,’ Jenny muttered over her shoulder before collecting herself. ‘I’m so
sorry, Lily. It’s entirely my fault, we were out collecting the other girls from the airport. I spoke to your team at Content in London and we’re all super sorry for the mix-up.’
‘I shall let it go this time,’ Lily replied with feigned grace. ‘Since we’re all new friends.’
‘I imagine “her team” were so happy to see the back of her, they sent her out early,’ James whispered into my ear before turning his million-dollar-movie-star smile onto the group. ‘I propose a toast. To old friends and new, to the games afoot and to the spirit of ohana.’
‘Ohana means family,’ Jenny added, looking around for a glass to join in the toast.
‘Yes, yes, we’ve all seen Lilo & Stitch,’ I replied. ‘What’s he talking about, the games afoot?’
‘Oh, nothing, just some activities the brand suggested,’ she said as she stuffed her face with a piece of pineapple. ‘You’ll like them, it’ll be fun.’
I couldn’t quite put my finger on why but for some reason, I just didn’t believe her.
‘So happy this is going to be our little gang for the next few days.’ Jenny raised a bottle of water she grabbed from the table into the air as I looked around at the familiar and not so familiar faces. Eva, Paige, James and Lily. I wondered if there was an opportunity to make one trade. ‘It really is going to be incredible so try to get some rest tonight. I want to see you all at breakfast, bright and early in the morning.’
‘No problem,’ James replied, chugging his whiskey. ‘It’s impossible to get drunk in Hawaii, you know? Something to do with the altitude and the quality of the air.’
‘And I’m happy to see you’re putting your theory to the test,’ she said, watching as one of the waiters replaced his glass without even asking. ‘OK, gotta go check on some stuff.’
‘You can’t stay and have a drink?’ I asked.
Jenny let out one loud laugh. ‘I wish,’ she scoffed. ‘First night, there’s so much to do. I’ll be back soon, I promise.’
Avoiding me again.
‘Soon,’ I shouted after her as James necked his second drink. ‘Be back soon.’