“Steph? Hey.” After a short pause he said, “I’m feeling great. I should be back on the ice next week.”
Feeling great? Since when? And what was that chipper tone in his voice? I hadn’t heard that in forever. I also hadn’t heard the news that he would be skating the next week.
I waited for him at the end of the hallway and questioned him as soon as he came out of my room. “Why did you lie to your sister?”
He shoved his phone hard into his pocket. “Were you eavesdropping?”
“I happened to hear you when I went to the bathroom. Why didn’t you tell her the truth?”
“If she knew the truth, all I’d get is more flack about skating with you and how I’ve totally screwed up my life.”
“Maybe so, but it’s better to be honest with them in case—”
“In case what? I don’t get better?”
Anxious pressure rose in my chest. Even after a week of dealing with snippy Josh, I still wasn’t used to it. Every time he snapped at me I felt myself on the verge of either tears or losing my cool. I took a deep breath and reminded myself to be patient. It wasn’t Josh’s fault his moods were all out of whack.
“You’re going to get better,” I said. “I was just going to say we don’t know how long it will take, and you can’t keep lying to your family.”
“They won’t know the difference. Steph’s the only one who’s been checking up on me. My dad’s called once since the accident. I could be dead over here for all he cares.”
I winced at the harshness of his statement. “Josh, don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
Mom peeked into the hallway. “Dinner’s ready.”
“We’ll be there in a sec,” I said.
“We shouldn’t let the turkey get cold.” Josh walked around me.
“Wait,” I said, but he kept going.
Mom looked at me with concern. “Everything okay?”
I thought about what we were celebrating that day and how I should be thankful Josh was there with me, walking and talking… even if it was grumpy talking. His condition could have been so much worse with the fall he’d taken. Patience, I repeated to myself.
I nodded and forced a tiny smile. “It will be.”
Chapter Six
If I never had to hear “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” again it would be too soon. Em was making us rehearse the Christmas show opening number for the five hundredth time. She and Josh had choreographed all the show numbers, and with him being out of commission, she’d been stressing more than usual. The event was only one day away, so this was our final rehearsal and Em’s final chance to direct the controlled chaos. Josh and I obviously wouldn’t be able to skate our planned program in the show, but I was still in the opening and also had a duet with Liza.
Em finally dismissed us, and Liza skated over to me while braiding her long, raven ponytail.
“Did you see Josh come in?” she asked.
I looked back at the double doors to the lobby. “No. When?”
“It was during the last run-through. He went up to the lounge.” She tied a rubber band around the end of her braid. “He must be stoked he can drive again.”
I had thought he would be, but when I’d talked to him on the phone after his appointment that morning, he had still sounded down. He’d said he might stop by the rink, but I hadn’t counted on it.
“I’m gonna go find him,” I said before gliding to the ice door.
After I changed out of my skates, I climbed the narrow staircase to the lounge and found Josh surrounded by skaters and moms. He hadn’t been at the rink since the accident, so questions were flying at him. I could hear lots of comments of “It was so terrible!” and “Do you remember falling?” With his hands stuffed in his pockets and his eyes darting around the room, Josh looked like he was undergoing a painful interrogation rather than a friendly conversation.
“Hey, I need to steal this guy.” I put my arm around Josh, steering him away from the mob.
As we walked downstairs he let out a breath, and I asked, “You okay?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “They all bombarded me at once.”
“Everyone is just happy to see you.”
We went out to the rink, and Josh stopped a few feet short of the boards. He stared at the ice, looking even more uneasy than he had in the lounge. He’d been so gung-ho about training again that I hadn’t even thought about him having any reservations.
“Are you thinking about the accident?” I asked.
He took a hard swallow. “Just umm… just ready to get back.”
He didn’t look like someone raring to go, but I didn’t want to question him and make him irritated with me, which was happening too often lately.
“Only ten more days,” I said. “Em said as soon as they’re back from China.”
With a stiff nod he turned away from the ice, and he dropped onto a chair by the lobby doors, his knees bouncing nervously. Okay, I have to say something.
“Did you talk to the doctor about your insomnia, your anxiousness…” I asked.
“He made an appointment for me to see a neuropsychologist, but I don’t need another doctor. I need to be able to skate and to work.”
“I think you should go. The pyschologist might be able to help you deal with all the issues you’re having.”
“She can’t help me with my biggest issue, which is how I’m not going to have any money if I can’t remember how to play the piano soon. I really don’t want to dip into my trust fund and have my parents say ‘I told you so.’”
“You might remember how to play sooner if you let the doctor treat you.”
“Hi, Josh!” One of the skater moms interrupted us. “It’s so good to have you back. You gave us all such a scare. I’ve seen some bad falls but never anything like that. I don’t know how you—”
“I have to get going.” Josh shot to his feet. “Sorry, it’s good to see you.”
He bolted for the door, and I left the befuddled woman behind to chase after him. I called his name, and he turned with one foot out the door.
“I can’t listen to any more talk about how horrific our fall was,” he said.
“You know how people are. It’ll stop once you’ve been back a few days.”
He stepped farther outside. “I need to get out of here before anyone else catches me.”
Frosty air blew into the lobby, and I hugged my arms to my chest. “Are you coming to the restaurant tonight?”
“I’m not sure. I’ll text you.”
He rushed out, and I waved feebly at the closed door. My throat ached from the swell of tears that needed to be released. One of the things I loved about Josh was the way he looked at me — how he made me feel so wanted and adored without speaking a word. But I saw none of that when he looked at me now. There was a dark cloud covering his eyes.
Blinking back the tears, I spun toward the locker room and smacked into Em. We both yelped and spit out apologies, and then she took a closer look at me.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
I dabbed the corners of my eyes and shook my head. “I don’t know how to help Josh.”
She linked her arm through mine. “I think we should get some chocolate and talk.”
She bought us each a cup of Dippin’ Dots from the machine in the lobby, and we sat at a table in the empty snack bar. I spooned a big helping of the frozen treat into my mouth, and it numbed my tongue.
“Sergei said the doctor wants Josh to see a neuropsychologist,” Em said.
“He doesn’t want to go. You’d think he’d want answers and some help getting better. I thought getting the news that he can skate and drive again would cheer him up, but he’s still not happy.”
“Being back at the rink didn’t help?”
“I think it made it worse. He was so jumpy when people tried to talk to him about the accident.”
Em’s eyebrows bent with worry. “He might be nervous about getting back on the
ice.”
“He hasn’t said he is, but he’s not saying much to me these days.” I swirled my spoon around my cup. “He barely looks at me.”
“You know he loves you more than anything.”
“I know. It’s just hard being around him and not feeling that from him at all. I’m trying not to let it hurt, but…” My voice caught as tears snuck up on me again.
Em leaned toward me. “I’ll get Sergei to talk to him about seeing the new doctor. We’ll all do whatever we can to get him through this.”
There had to be something the doctor could do to help Josh — some medicine, some therapy, something. He couldn’t go on like this. The longer he was stuck in this dark place, the more I feared he wouldn’t be able to get out.
****
I coughed and waved my hand in front of my face. The hair spray fumes in the locker room were at their pre-show high. There wasn’t an inch of free space in the room with all of us jammed inside, doing our last-minute primping. I squeezed between bodies for a peek at the mirror, and I pulled a loose stone from the side of my sparkly silver dress.
“Court!” Em pushed through the crowd to get to me. “Where’s Josh?”
“He’s not here?”
“I don’t see him out there. I was going to ask him to take a bow at the end of the show for all the work he did.”
I hesitated a moment as a remote possibility crossed my mind, but I shook it off. “Maybe he’s just running late.”
Even with all Josh’s moodiness, he wouldn’t bail on the show. Besides being there to support me, he knew Em and all the kids he’d worked with wanted him there.
“Em, my dad needs you,” Liza called from the door.
I followed Em out to the rink so I could look for Josh. Clomping in my skate guards, I walked the length of the packed bleachers and stopped when I saw Mrs. Cassar.
“Was Josh still home when you left?” I asked.
“His car was there. I assumed he was leaving soon.”
I sent a worried glance at the rink entrance. What if something bad had happened? Josh had only been back behind the wheel for one day, and a light snow had been falling when I’d arrived at the rink.
“I’m gonna call him,” I said and hurried to the locker room.
I took my phone into the lobby to get away from the din of the crowd, and my pulse sped up as Josh’s phone rang and rang. When he finally answered I exhaled.
“Hey, are you on your way?” I asked.
Silence met my question, and I said louder, “Josh?”
“I’m not coming.”
I stood speechless a few seconds. “Are you not feeling well?”
“I can’t handle all those people. I’m sorry.”
“There you are.” Liza rushed into the lobby. “It’s show time.”
I was still gaping at the phone, and I felt an explosion building within me. Liza was frantically motioning for me to go with her, so I pressed the phone screen hard to end the call, not bothering to say goodbye.
The lights had dimmed, and Em was standing on the ice under the spotlight, welcoming everyone. I asked Sergei to hold my phone, and I gathered with the other skaters in the opening number. My heart was still pounding from my conversation with Josh. I shook out my arms and took deep breaths to calm myself, but I couldn’t shake the irritation. How could he not show up?
Sergei directed us to take the ice, and I plastered a smile on my face. We’d practiced the number so many times that I skated mechanically through it, my mind still on Josh’s absence. I needed to get my head in the game for my duet with Liza, though. The choreography for that program was more complex, and we had to do two jumps. Liza, a jumping machine, was going to nail them for sure, so I didn’t want to flub them and mar our performance.
I stretched and paced beside the boards to stay warm while the younger skaters performed, and Em slipped over to me between her emcee duties.
“Did you find Josh?” she asked.
“He didn’t come,” I said.
She must have heard the iciness in my tone because she didn’t ask any questions. She just rubbed my shoulder and went back to her spot at the microphone.
I met Liza at the ice door, and she put her hand up for a high five. “Ready to be awesome?”
I slapped her hand and shut my mental door on everything except the ice in front of us. “Totally.”
Em introduced us, and we skated to the center of the rink, where we stood back to back. When “O Holy Night” by John Legend began to play, we pushed off in opposite directions, me shimmering in silver and Liza in gold. Being in the spotlight with the music playing, my adrenaline kicked into high gear, and I sped around the corner of the rink. I stretched into a spiral, and Liza flew past me in matching position.
As the cool breeze fanned across my face, I wished Josh was there to lift me high into the air so I could truly feel like I was flying. I missed the rush of excitement that I felt every time we did a lift. He wasn’t there, though. Not on the ice and not even in the audience. My annoyance with him bubbled up again, and I quickly refocused on the double Axel ahead. I jumped up and spun two-and-a-half times, and Liza did the same beside me. We landed in sync on the high piano note just as Josh had choreographed it.
I lost myself in the soulful rendition of the song and was sad when we struck our ending poses. I’d had so few chances to perform lately that I didn’t want to leave the ice. Knowing Josh and I might miss nationals, our last chance to compete that season, made me even more reluctant to take my bows.
After Liza and I exited to a rousing ovation, I changed out of my costume and watched the rest of the show from the edge of the bleachers. Once the lights came up, everyone flocked to the tables filled with punch and Christmas cookies. I tried to disappear before I would get inundated with questions about Josh, but I didn’t succeed. I got trapped next to the locker room, forced to make excuses for Josh being a no-show.
When I managed to escape, I grabbed my things, put my head down, and snuck out the side door. With my car pointed toward Hyannis Port, I started the conversation I needed to have with Josh in my head, and it only got me more riled up.
Tiny snowflakes stuck to my hair as I rapped my knuckles on Josh’s door. He opened it and looked surprised to see me. Had he really thought we weren’t going to talk about this?
I barged into the kitchen and pulled off my gloves. “I can’t believe you bailed.”
“You saw how everyone was all over me yesterday. It would’ve been ten times worse tonight with so many people there.”
“You couldn’t just suck it up and talk to them? To be there for me? For all the kids who wanted to show you the hard work they put into your programs?”
He marched past me and sat on the couch, holding his head in his hands. “I couldn’t breathe yesterday when they were all surrounding me.”
I took a few steps toward him and softened my voice. “Josh, that’s not normal.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” He snapped. “Why can’t everyone just leave me alone?”
“Because we care about you! You haven’t been yourself since the accident, and we’re worried—”
“Well, stop. Stop worrying, stop trying to help. You can’t.”
Every harsh word he spoke made my stomach knot tighter. I’d never thought Josh could make me feel that way.
“Is that really what you want? To push away the people who love you?” I asked.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I just can’t deal with this.”
This meaning me? I didn’t want to ask that question because it would hurt too much to hear the certain answer.
I gritted my teeth to settle my trembling chin. “Fine. If that’s what you want, I’ll leave you alone to figure it all out on your own. You let me know when you’ve done that.”
I went out into the frigid night, and it didn’t feel any colder than the air in Josh’s house had been. I hurried down the stone path but stopped as my emotions battled inside me. I t
hought about going back, but what would that accomplish? Josh clearly didn’t want me around, and I didn’t think I could take any more of his frustration aimed at me. As much as I hated walking out on him, things were only going to get uglier between us if I stayed. I swiped my eyes and kept going, ignoring the pull on my heart that urged me to turn around.
Chapter Seven
With my phone cradled between my ear and my shoulder, I stirred the noodles boiling on Em’s stove and waited for Mrs. Cassar to answer my call. Five days had passed since I’d seen Josh, so I had been checking in with Mrs. Cassar to make sure he was okay.
“Hello, Dear,” she answered above the sound of people talking in the background.
“Are you at the restaurant?”
“It’s Thursday night, isn’t it?”
I smiled. “Yes, it is. I don’t suppose Josh is with you?”
“No, I haven’t been able to talk him into going out. He’s been staying to himself.”
My smile turned into a frown. The fact that he was still locked up in his house both worried and angered me. He couldn’t hide there forever, hoping to get better.
I set down the wooden spoon and tore open the packet of powdered cheese. “Has he still been out of sorts?”
“When I talked to him this morning, he seemed more at ease… not about to jump out of his skin like he’s been.”
Not at ease enough to call me, though.
“He’ll come to you soon, I’m sure.” Mrs. Cassar appeared to read my mind. “He just needs to get himself together first.”
I stirred the pasta again and blinked quickly as tears pricked my eyes. “I just miss him. This is the longest we’ve been apart in almost a year.”
“I guarantee he misses you, too. If there’s one thing I know about Joshua, there’s nothing he wants more in this world than to be with you.”
“I’d feel a lot more confident about that if I heard it from him. Things have been so off between us the past few weeks.”
“Coco, we hungry,” Alex said behind me.
I turned to see Quinn and him climbing onto chairs at the kitchen table.
“Dinner will be ready in a minute,” I said loudly to clear the shakiness in my voice.
Losing the Ice (Ice Series #2) Page 5