“Mark the jumps and skip the footwork, but do everything else,” Sergei said.
“Yes, Sir.” I saluted him, hoping to make Josh smile.
I got nothing.
We skated to the middle of the ice and waited for the announcer to call our names. The smattering of fans applauded, and I put my hand on Josh’s chest for our opening pose. His T-shirt rose and fell against my palm more rapidly than normal, sending a wave of fear over me. Josh put his hand on my hip, but he didn’t lock eyes with me to complete the pose. Instead he stared down at the ice.
The romantic piano music began, and we glided together slowly at first before picking up speed. We blew through the triple twist and skated through the spots for the side-by-side jumps and the throw flip as Sergei had directed. Josh’s grip on my hand grew more intense with each stroke we took, and a sinking feeling invaded my stomach.
We curved with the corner of the rink and set up for the lasso lift, but Josh’s hands were shaking too violently to even attempt it. He pulled away and skidded into the boards, and I hurried to his side.
“Do you need water?” I asked.
He shook his head and took deep, extended breaths. Why is this happening again? I wanted to ask him, but he wouldn’t have been able to answer me. I didn’t understand what had gone wrong. He hadn’t had any episodes since Stephanie had worked with him.
Our music continued to play while we camped at the boards. When Josh had his breathing under control he stood tall and said, “I’m sorry.”
“You know you don’t have to apologize to me. I just want to know why it happened.”
He pushed his fingers through his hair and gripped the short locks. “I saw the video of the accident.”
Oh no. I’d only seen it once, and Josh hadn’t watched it at all. His doctor had suggested he shouldn’t.
“Where?” I asked.
“Someone sent us a link to a news story on us, and I wasn’t thinking and clicked on it. The first thing they showed was the accident.”
I cringed and rubbed his arm. “Let’s go talk to Em and Sergei.”
We cut across the ice, and Josh told Em and Sergei what he had seen. Em made him continue to drink water even after he insisted he was fine. The few spectators who had shown up were all watching us and not the pair doing their run-through behind us.
“I want you both to stay off social media the rest of the week,” Sergei said.
I didn’t give any joking salutes that time.
“Are you good to keep going, Josh?” Em asked.
He replied with a stiff nod.
“You have a lot of time left on the session, so why don’t you do the Salchows and the throw and then take another stab at the lift,” Em said.
We entered the traffic of the other three teams and moved leisurely around the rink to regain our feel for the ice. I had questions for Josh about how the video had reignited his fears, but those had to wait until we finished practice.
We took off on the Salchows, and Josh landed wildly with his leg flying out and his upper body pitching forward. More problems came on the throw flip. I was already thinking about the lift coming up, and I slipped off my landing edge, sprawling my limbs over the ice.
I caught up to Josh and internally berated myself. I had no business making mistakes. With Josh dealing with so many demons, I had to be one hundred percent on my game.
We sped up our crossovers to get ready for the lift, and we grabbed hands for the swinging entry. Josh swung me up, and I wanted to scream with glee, but he stopped the motion before I made it above his head. His arms collapsed, and I came down on his back. I held onto him, sliding down until my feet hit the ice.
“It felt like we had it,” I said.
Josh scrubbed his palms on his black pants. “My feet didn’t feel right.”
Sweat trickled down his hairline, and he wiped his face on the sleeve of his T-shirt. The lift would have worked if Josh had kept going. I knew with absolute certainty there hadn’t been a technique problem. It was all in Josh’s head.
We didn’t make any more attempts during the session, and the media was all over us in the mixed zone afterward. We tried to avoid directly answering the questions about the aborted lifts. No one knew the problems Josh had experienced, and we were going to keep them private. Our answers centered on how happy we were to be competing again. We had to spin any positives we could find.
After I changed out of my workout gear, I went out to the shuttle bus that would take us to the hotel. I expected to see Josh on the bus, but he wasn’t there and he didn’t show up before we pulled away from the arena. I found him at the hotel, already in our room, sitting on the bed with his head in his hands.
Moving beside him, I put my arms around him and rested my chin on his shoulder. “You’ve come so far since the accident. Don’t let this set you back.”
He slowly sat up. “I didn’t think seeing the video would affect me so much, but as soon as I saw it, that feeling of dread came back… like I had no control over anything. And then when I walked into the arena, it reminded me of the last time we skated in a place like that, and I saw us falling all over again.”
“You do have control. You’ve been in complete control on the ice since Christmas. When you start to doubt yourself, think about all the great practices we had at home.”
He arched his neck back and let out a loud breath. “This is so frustrating. I never thought I’d have stage fright skating in a big arena.”
“Maybe we can ask the organizers to move the pairs competition to the practice rink.” I smiled a little.
His lips made a half-hearted attempt to return my gesture. I leaned over the side of the bed and reached into the outside pocket of my bag for the color-coded event schedule.
“We have practice at the secondary rink tomorrow, and then we have the twenty-minute warm-up Thursday morning at the arena. That’ll give you a chance to get comfortable there, and we can work through any issues before the short that evening.”
“We should be worrying about normal stuff like landing jumps and keeping our spins in sync instead of...” His voice tightened. “You’re supposed to be able to count on me to be strong, and I’m a freaking mess.”
My fingers clenched into a fist. I wanted to strangle the person who had sent the video. I knew no harm had been meant, but it had put Josh back in that dark place. I couldn’t let him get swallowed up by it again.
“If you weren’t strong, you wouldn’t be here right now, about to compete two months after a terrifying injury. A lot of people wouldn’t come back from that.” I turned his face toward me. “I believe in you, and I believe in us.”
He gazed at me a long minute. “I just want to be the partner you deserve. The man you deserve.”
“You are. You are everything I need and so much more.” I softly kissed him and whispered on his lips, “So much more.”
He cradled my head between his hands and pressed his mouth to mine with more intensity. I felt how much he wanted to show me his strength and to conquer everything he was battling. I’d spoken from my heart when I’d said I believed in him, but I feared he needed more than sheer will to finally slay his demons.
****
The aroma of coffee surrounded me as I sat at a table in Café Expresso, waiting for Josh to join me. He’d let me use the bathroom mirror first to do my competition hair and makeup, so he was still getting ready. I’d been too jumpy sitting in the room and had gone downstairs to sit in the café and watch the lobby activity.
“Coco!” Quinn squealed and ran from the elevator bank into the open café. Liza trailed behind her.
“Hey, Cutie.” I tickled Quinn’s stomach.
She giggled and climbed onto the chair next to mine. “Mommy said I been a good girl all week, so Sissy gonna get me a treat.”
“Where’s Alex? Has he not been good?” I asked.
“No, he was a bad boy.”
“He apparently had a meltdown at Fan Fest this morning,” Li
za said. “Something involving a teddy bear.”
Quinn reached up to one of the braids in my up-do. “Your hair look so pretty.”
“Be careful.” I leaned away from her little fingers. “It took me half an hour to get these right.”
“You usually do those in no time,” Liza said.
“My hands were shaking too much.”
Liza sat cross-legged on the chair across from me. “My dad said Josh didn’t have a good warm-up this morning.”
I fiddled with the ends of my jacket sleeves. Despite my pep talk a few days earlier, Josh had been a walking and skating bundle of nerves. It was like his self-doubt blockaded all the positivity I kept feeding him.
“He was so tight on everything, and we only got one lift in the air for two seconds before he bailed. I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight.”
Quinn wandered over to the dessert case, and the girl working the counter struck up a conversation with her. I looked longingly at the brownies, thinking how much I could use the chocolate comfort.
“I wish I could be there to cheer for you guys,” Liza said.
“I know you’ll be watching online while you get ready in your room,” I said. She had her own short program to perform later that night. “How are you feeling?”
“I’ve been playing Barbie with Quinn so I don’t keep running my program in my head.”
“You’re going to be awesome. You’re so trained for this.”
Josh walked up, rolling his bag, and he looked as tense as he had when I’d left our room.
“Hey, Liza. Ready to go, Court?”
Quinn heard his voice and abandoned the desserts for him. “Good luck, Josh.”
His face relaxed a bit, and he ruffled Quinn’s curls. I gathered my bags and gave both Liza and Quinn hugs.
“Go get ‘em tonight.” I gave Liza an extra squeeze.
“You, too.”
Josh and I boarded the bus and rode in silence for the short trip to the arena. I wasn’t going to keep asking if he was okay because I knew the answer. His knees hadn’t stopped bouncing since we’d taken our seats.
Once we arrived at the arena, we each plugged in our iPods and set off on a light jog through the backstage corridors. My heart rate was more elevated than usual as we jogged and stretched the minutes away. The anxiety of not knowing how Josh would react come show time was burning a hole in my stomach.
Em and Sergei had arrived while we warmed up, and they stood along the wall, observing us. When Josh went to the locker room to store his iPod, Em pulled me aside.
“You hanging in okay?” she asked.
“Not really. I don’t know what’s going to happen out there. Josh was freaked out just from skating in the near-empty arena. How’s he going to handle the crowd? He might have a panic attack in the middle of the program.”
“We’re going to do everything we can to put him at ease.”
“He was doing so well, and then that stupid video jacked it all up.” My voice rose with each word.
Em put her hands on both sides of my face. “You have to stay calm. Josh needs you to be steady and confident. He needs your positive energy.”
I kept my eyes on her unblinking stare and slowed my breathing with a long inhale and exhale. Em was right. I had to get it together and help Josh through this.
He returned from the locker room, and we walked through our program on the floor, engaging in minimal conversation. Em and Sergei gave us constant encouragement and continued to do so after we donned our costumes. We worked our way to the edge of the ice for the six-minute warm-up, and I watched Josh’s eyes pan over the crowd. His Adam’s apple dipped slowly as he took a hard swallow.
Please don’t freak out. Please don’t freak out.
“Would the following couples please take the ice,” the announcer boomed.
We heard our names and hopped onto the ice, surrounded by the audience’s loud cheers. We quickly accelerated and let our matching strokes take us around the rink. Sergei had told us to practice the twist and our jumps first, so we dodged the other three teams to prepare for the twist. We completed it cleanly and moved on to the Salchows, where Josh tripped and stumbled through the landing.
My stomach flip-flopped, knowing the element we had to practice next. We stopped at the boards for sips of water, and Josh’s hand shook as he capped his bottle. Em cupped his shoulder.
“Just take your time. Focus on the technique and nothing else,” she said.
He nodded, and we found an open space on the ice to set up for the lift. Josh’s sweaty palms gripped mine, and I wasn’t surprised when he released me a moment later. With the crowd buzzing and three other pairs whizzing around us, there was entirely too much chaos for him.
“Keep going,” I said. “Let’s do the death spiral.”
We spent the final minutes of the warm-up checking off our other elements, and as the clock hit zero I took Josh’s hands and made him face me. We were first in the group to skate, so I had only a few moments to try to get through to him.
“Do you remember what Stephanie said?” I looked firmly into his eyes. “This is home. The ice is our home.”
I saw him processing that truth, and I squeezed his hands. “Nothing in the past matters. Only this moment and you and me. We are in total control.”
He stared back at me, his blue eyes showing his fight to clear the doubt. He pulled me into his arms, holding me tight to his body, and we only parted when the announcer started our introduction. We took our place at center ice, and I prayed one last time we would get through the program without disaster.
The music began, and we glided along to the opening piano notes, skating into the triple twist without much speed. I spun three times as quickly as I could and dropped into Josh’s fumbling catch. My pulse kicked into a higher gear as I worried the clumsy exit was a sign of things to come.
Our speed increased as we circled the rink in preparation for the side-by-side jumps. We pushed off from the ice, and I tried to watch Josh to see if he would land cleanly. With my focus on him, I slipped off my own landing edge and splatted onto the ice. Meanwhile, Josh had completed the Salchow perfectly.
Nice going, Court. Way to be steady and on your game.
I scrambled to my feet and met up with Josh. There was no time to dwell on the mistake because the throw triple flip loomed. Josh moved behind me and grasped my hips, and when I jabbed the ice with my toe pick, he sprang me into the air. I put all my focus on coming down on a clean edge, and I didn’t botch the landing that time.
We curved into the straight-line footwork, and with the lift coming next, I channeled my nervous energy into achieving level-four steps. By the time we finished skating from one end of the rink to the other, my heart was pounding both from exhaustion and fear of what Josh was going to do. Or not do.
We came around the corner of the rink and joined hands for the lasso entry. I held my breath, anticipating all the possible outcomes, but praying for the best. Before I realized what was happening, Josh had swung me up over his head. I was airborne!
I exhaled and held on fiercely as he began to rotate, but I held my breath again when I changed positions, setting my hand on his shoulder. That had been the moment when the lift had gone terribly wrong at Skate America.
Josh’s feet crawled across the ice, but he was moving! The audience’s cheers were the loudest yet, and they grew to a roar when Josh gently set me down. They understood the importance of that element to us. Josh’s eyes were wide but shining so brightly, and I broke into a huge smile.
The side-by-side spins and the death spiral were a blur as all I could think about was giving Josh the biggest hug I’d ever given him. We spun into our ending pose, and I threw my arms around him as if we had won the Olympics. He buried his face in my hair and shook with tears. That made my chest burst with emotion and set off a cascade of waterworks in my eyes.
I had never received a standing ovation for an imperfect performance, but the crowd was
on its feet, acknowledging the tough road we had travelled. We bowed to every side of the arena and hugged each other again as we skated to the boards. Em and Sergei had wet eyes, too, and they embraced us and choked out, “So proud of you” over and over through their tears.
We sat in the kiss and cry to wait for our score, but I didn’t care about the numbers. We could be in last place and I’d still feel victorious. I linked my arm through Josh’s, and he laced our fingers together and leaned close to my ear.
“Thank you,” he said.
I turned to face him. “For what?”
He rested his forehead on mine. “For giving me all your patience.”
“I told you I’ll always be by your side. No matter what.”
He kissed the top of my head, and we looked up at the monitor as our score was announced. The numbers were respectable, and with only a few teams left to skate, we sat in sixth place.
“Sorry about the Sal,” I said. “That was such a stupid mistake.”
“Are you kidding? Don’t even think of apologizing after all the angst I put you through.”
Em and Sergei motioned for us to follow them backstage, and they hugged us again. Sergei kept his arm around me and patted my shoulder.
“Don’t worry about the jump,” he said. “We couldn’t be happier with how you both skated. You showed so much courage today.”
“I can’t thank you guys enough.” Josh looked between Em and Sergei. “You never got frustrated with me. Not even when I wanted to slap myself upside the head.”
Em laughed and rubbed his back. “We always knew you had the strength to rise above it. We just wanted to give you the support you needed.”
Neither Josh nor I could stop smiling as we left them and met the media. When we finished in the mixed zone, we changed and headed upstairs to look for Stephanie, my parents, and Mrs. Cassar. Stephanie found us first.
“Thanks for scaring me to death in the warm-up.” She punched Josh’s arm but then hugged him. “I thought I was going to have to run onto the ice and talk you through it again.”
“Court used some of your wise words to help me,” Josh said.
Losing the Ice (Ice Series #2) Page 10