BRAVE NEW WORLD
But the auto industry was changing, and changing quickly. For most of the previous two decades, automakers had sold most of their cars to people who had never owned one before. Henry Ford had won the battle to sell Americans their very first autos; his giant factories could produce them faster, cheaper, and in greater quantities than any of his competitors could. By 1923 the Model T had a 57 percent share of the U.S. automobile market. Half of all the cars in the world were Fords.
The average American wedding is attended by 189 guests.
By that time, however, just about everyone in the United States who wanted a car had one. Now the trick for automakers was getting customers to replace the cars they already owned—and had already paid for—with new ones that cost more money. And the auto companies had to get them to do it long before the old car wore out, because if a company had to wait for the old car to die before they sold the owner a new one, it wouldn’t sell enough cars to stay in business.
LIVING IN THE PAST
In the contest to sell Americans their second car, Henry Ford was his own worst enemy. Ford was fixated on the Model T and rightly considered it his greatest creation. Yet over the 19 years that it was sold by the company—the only automobile sold by the company during that time—he refused to upgrade or improve upon the original design. He dismissed as frivolous “knickknacks” such innovations as speedometers, gas gauges, shock absorbers, hydraulic brakes, accelerators on the floorboard instead of on the steering column, and electric starters in place of hand cranks. Ford fought these improvements year after year, often firing the very capable executives who dared to suggest them. (Many of these executives were snapped up by GM.) On those few occasions when Ford finally did incorporate something new into the Model T design, it was usually long after it had become standard equipment on competing cars.
While Henry Ford kept his foot on the brake, Alfred Sloan of GM kept his mashed down on the accelerator. In addition to continually updating his automobile designs, Sloan invented new ways for people to pay for their cars. Where Ford had always insisted on being paid in cash and in full (banks did not yet offer car loans), Sloan created the General Motors Acceptance Corporation (GMAC) to finance the purchase of GM cars. Even though it was impossible for GM to match Ford on the actual price of the car, GMAC financing actually made GM cars more affordable for many buyers. By 1924, the same year that GM became the first company to accept trade-ins, a third of all GM car purchases were financed by GMAC.
Costco sells a full-sized funeral casket for $924.
For all the emphasis Sloan put into improving the quality of GM automobiles, he also understood that new technology was very costly to develop, took years to bring to market, and often didn’t pan out. But he wanted to maintain the illusion of continual improvement, so in the mid-1920s he introduced the auto industry’s first “annual model change.” From then on, even when the mechanical components of a car remained the same from one year to the next, the car’s appearance would change every year, if only in subtle ways, to keep the public interested in it.
WHAT’S NEW IS OLD…AGAIN
The annual model change would have another effect on consumers: It would cause them to become increasingly dissatisfied with their existing cars from one year to the next, a concept that became known as “planned obsolescence.” (Earl preferred to call it “dynamic obsolescence.”) With any luck, the planned obsolescence would drive car owners into a car dealership a few years early to trade in older cars that had become shabby and dowdy before their time.
Making annual style changes in all the cars sold by GM’s five divisions—Chevrolet, Oakland (later renamed Pontiac), Oldsmobile, Buick, and Cadillac—required a lot of designers, which was why Sloan decided to set up GM’s own in-house Art and Color Division. Those conservatively dressed engineers from the Old School may not have wanted to hear it, but guys like Harley Earl, with their suede shoes, loud suits, and purple shirts, were here to stay…and soon they’d be calling the shots.
Putt-putt over to page 415 for Part III of the story.
REAL (ODD) BOOK TITLES
• I Was Tortured By the Pygmy Love Queen
• Cheese Problems Solved
• High Performance Stiffened Structures
• Living with Crazy Buttocks
• The Joy of Chickens
• Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers
Kurdis-tenn? Nashville, Tennessee, has the largest Kurdish community in the United States.
POLI-TALKS
Public servants often say the strangest things.
“I talk to those who’ve lost their lives, and they have that sense of duty and mission.”
—Sen. Jeff Sessions
“I’m the consul for information, but I don’t have any information.”
—Ofra Ben Yaacov, Israeli Consul
“Thanks for the question, you little jerk.”
—John McCain, when asked by a high school student if he was too old to be president
“Nearly everyone will lie to you given the right circumstances.”
—Bill Clinton
“When Newfoundland finally joined with us in Confederation in 1867, it was like a family reunion.”
—Stephen Harper, Canadian Prime Minister (Newfoundland joined the Canadian Confederation in 1949)
“You can’t just let nature run wild.”
—Gov. Walter Hickel, Alaska
“You’ll get a chance to ask questions later and make your stupid statements; now let me make mine.”
—Karl Rove, to hecklers
“What we have is two important values in conflict: freedom of speech and our desire for a healthy democracy. You can’t have both.”
—Rep. Dick Gephardt
“PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air.”
—Mitt Romney, who strapped his dog to the roof of his car
“54.”
—Stephen Byers, British Minister for School Standards, after being asked by a BBC interviewer, “What’s 8 times 7?”
“We’re no longer a superpower, we’re a super-duper power.”
—Rep. Tom DeLay
“Having plead guilty, I do not believe that I am any different than the vast majority of the members of Congress.”
—Rep. Dan Rostenkowski
Sir Walter Scott used the pen name Captain Cuthbert Clutterbuck.
ASHES TO ASHES, WEIRD TO WEIRDER
When it comes to the morbid and the strange, we’re the crematorium of the crop!
HANDLE WITH CARE
In May 2007, Leslie Wright of Cambridge, England, died. He was 71 years old. His son, Chris, decided to give him a very special send-off: The elder Wright had owned his own delivery business for decades, and loved his work, so Chris dressed his father in his courier uniform, put him in specially made cardboard coffin marked “Fragile,” loaded it up in one of Dad’s trucks, and delivered it to a crematorium. “Dad had a fantastic sense of humor,” Chris said, “and he would have loved this.” And where was “the package” addressed to? “Cloud 9, Peace and Quiet Road, Heaven, Near Scotland.”
GHOST IN THE MACHINE
In 2005 Therese Mallik of New South Wales, Australia, testified against the planned expansion of a local crematorium, claiming that, among other things, she had once seen a “ghostlike figure” hovering above the building. When the local Cessnock Independent newspaper ran a story with the headline “Witness sees a ghost over Cremator,” Mallik sued the paper for making her appear “demented.” She lost the suit. (The ghost remains at large.)
UNDERSTANDABLE…BUT GROSS
Employees at a crematorium in Salt Lake City had to call the fire department when the building caught fire in October 2006. Fluids from a burning body had leaked out of the oven and ignited. “Those fluids can be very flammable,” fireman Scott Freitag said. “Sort of like a grease fire.”
40% of Americans iron their clothes in their underwear or in the nude.
DEAD RINGER
In October 2007, Gina Partington of Manchester, England, called police and told them that her son, 39-year-old Tommy Dennison, was missing. A few days later the police called with bad news: They had found the body of her son. She went down to the morgue and identified him, and had the remains cremated a day or two after that. Three days later the police called back…and told Partington that her son had been in police custody all along—they’d cremated the wrong man. “I know it sounds unbelievable,” the distraught woman said, “but this poor lad was the absolute replica of my son.” Police were later able to identify the cremation victim as a 37-year-old homeless man, and notified his family of the mixup. “These circumstances are clearly distressing,” a police spokesperson said, “and urgent inquiries are going on to establish how this happened.”
THE JOY OF COOKING
When retired pipe fitter Russell Parsons, 67, of Charleston, West Virginia, dies, the people around him will know exactly what to do with him: Parsons, an Army veteran, a cancer survivor, and a widower, has instructions tattooed on his arm. “It’s a recipe for cremation,” he said. The tattoo reads: “Barlow Bonsall” (the name of the local funeral home) “cook @ 1700-1800 degrees for 2 to 3 hours.”
THAT’S HOT!
April 5 is the day of the annual Tombsweeping Festival in China, when people clean the tombs and graves of their ancestors. It’s also the day that they burn fake money, which tradition says accumulates as wealth for their ancestors in the afterlife. Apparently the ritual has evolved over the generations. In 2007 Chinese newspapers noted that thousands of people now burn different things for the dead…like paper replicas of Viagra pills, to increase the dead’s chances for good sex in the afterlife. Pictures of condoms and “bar girls” have also become popular for burnt offerings, the reports said.
Mixed Messages: In 2008 the Netherlands—which is famous for legalized marijuana smoking in Amsterdam cafes—banned cigarette smoking in all public places. Smoking marijuana remains legal.
The first American railroad ran a distance of 11 miles—between Albany and Schenectady, NY.
OUT, DARN SPOT!
Most of us prefer clean clothes to dirty ones (Uncle John not included). Here are some interesting tips sent to us by neat freak and BRI veteran writer John Dollison to help with problem stains. No guarantee they’ll work, but it’s fun to see how inventive homemakers can be.
Chewing Gum on Clothes: Throw the article of clothing into a plastic bag, then put the bag into the freezer until the gum is frozen solid—it’s a lot easier to remove hardened chewing gum than a soft and sticky glob.
• Very Delicate Delicates: Here’s how to clean lace undies or any other items that are too delicate even for the delicate cycle of your washing machine. Pour some warm water into a gallon jug or similar container and add a little bit of liquid laundry or dish soap. Stir to mix thoroughly, then add the articles of clothing; shake the container, then let soak for half an hour. Rinse the clothing with cool water, wring gently, and hang to dry.
• Ring Around the Collar: If you’re out of the stuff that’s specially designed to remove collar stains, try rubbing some shampoo into the stain. That should work just as well.
• Speeding Up Hand-Wash Rinsing: If you do a lot of hand washing in the sink (or in the jug mentioned above), you can speed up the time it takes to rinse out the soap by adding 1/4 cup of white wine vinegar to your rinse water. Just make sure you give your clothes a final rinse in clean water without the vinegar.
• Do-It-Yourself Spot Remover: If you’re tired of paying big money for tiny containers of spot remover, mix one part rubbing alcohol with two parts water and you should find that it removes many kinds of spots just as effectively as the store-bought stuff.
• Dirty Canvas Shoes: Using a clean shoe brush—the kind that’s used to apply shoe polish—rub some spray-on carpet cleaner into the canvas. Wipe off with a paper towel or a clean piece of cloth and your shoes should look almost like new.
• Freshen Up a Grubby Old Leather Belt: Rinse a clean sponge in water and wring it out. Use the sponge to rub cold cream into the belt to soften the leather and remove dirt, then wipe the excess cold cream away using a clean cloth.
• Ink Stains on a Leather Jacket: If the stain is black ink on a black leather jacket, hang the jacket in a closet and go find something else that really needs cleaning. If it’s a red ink stain on a white jacket or a blue stain on a red one, or something equally noticeable, lay the jacket on a flat surface, pour some baking soda on the spot and let it sit until the ink is absorbed. (Try it on a small test spot first.) It may take several applications to get the stain up, but with a little effort you should be able to remove it.
Mimes beware: It’s against the law in Virginia to call someone and not say anything.
MISCELLANEOUS TIPS
• If the sleeve cuffs of an old sweater have gotten too stretched out, soak them in cold water and then dry them with an electric hair dryer set on high, being careful to keep the dryer at least three inches away from the cuffs to prevent burning.
• If you need to dry something quickly on a clothesline before you hang it up, lay the wet piece of clothing on a clean, dry towel, roll the clothing up in the towel, then squeeze the towel so that it soaks up some of the moisture. You should notice a significant improvement in the amount of time it takes the clothing to dry.
• What about the washing machine itself—does it ever need washing? Uncle John has his doubts, but Mrs. Uncle John swears by this: Every once in a while she pours half a gallon of white, distilled vinegar into the machine and runs it on the regular cycle without any clothing (the washing machine should be free of clothes, not Mrs. Uncle John!).
UNCLE JOHN’S CREATIVE TEACHING AWARD
Parents of kids at Edgewood Middle School in Trenton, Ohio, complained after learning that a music teacher had the students sing “Weird Al” Yankovic’s “The Night Santa Went Crazy” in class. The song features Santa shooting up his workshop…and making sausages out of his reindeer. The teacher was reprimanded (even though the kids probably loved it).
Most species of cockroach give birth to live young.
THE COLLECTORS
Uncle John collects postcards. That makes him a deltiologist. Can you match the collectors on the left with what they collect? (Answers on page 540.)
1. Philographist a. bird eggs
2. Bibliophile b. cameos
3. Numismatist c. autographs
4. Plangonologist d. subway tokens
5. Copoclephilist e. flags
6. Conchologist f. coins
7. Philatelist g. calling cards
8. Aerophilatelist h. sugar packets
9. Arctophile i. seashells
10. Lepidopterist j. woodcuts
11. Vexillologist k. stamps
12. Brandophilist l. teddy bears
13. Cameist m. religious calendars
14. Errinophilist n. butterflies
15. Fusilatelist o. tax stamps
16. Helixophile p. books
17. Heortologist q. matchbook covers
18. Iconophile r. keychains
19. Oologist s. airmail stamps
20. Phillumenist t. corkscrews
21. Phonophile u. prints and engravings
22. Receptarist v. LPs and 45s
23. Succrologist w. cigar bands
24. Vecturist x. dolls
25. Xylographer y. recipes
Worldwide, Japan is the most expensive country to live in.
THE SUMO WAY
How do sumo wrestlers get so big? They eat…and eat…and then eat some more. But there’s more to it than that. (Did we mention they eat?)
BACKGROUND
Sumo wrestling, often called Japan’s national sport, is said to date back to prehistoric times, though it only gained popularity as a spectator sport in the early 17th century. The concept is simple: The wrestler (or rikishi), wearing only a loincloth, loses the match if any part of his body (other
than the soles of his feet) touches the ring painted on the floor, or if his opponent pushes or throws him out of the ring. Other than that, there are few rules in sumo wrestling, and a match can be over in a matter of seconds. One referee calls the match, and five judges must concur.
When they’re not competing, the wrestlers live together in heyas, or stables, buildings where they sleep, eat, train, and relax. Sumo is hierarchical: The high-ranking, older rikishis are at the top; the younger rikishis serve the older men, study their fighting techniques, and train for several hours a day. Until a wrestler reaches a high rank, he isn’t allowed to marry or leave the stable.
Boys who aspire to be rikishis attend after-school sumo classes, join sumo clubs, and participate in junior tournaments. Scouts from the stables tour the clubs looking for likely candidates (the minimum size requirements are 5'7" and 165 pounds), but they don’t just choose the biggest, fattest boys—obesity implies a lack of discipline that won’t hold up under the difficult training. Instead, the scouts look for sturdy bodies, strong backs, strong grips, speed, agility, and dedication to the sport. Once the boys pass their entrance trials and the medical exams, training begins at age 15.
Human urine is 98% water and 2% urea, calcium, phosphates, sodium, and ammonium.
EARLY TO RISE
The successful sumo wrestler is skilled, strong, and large. The skill and strength come from rigorous training; the bulk comes from rigorous eating. The younger rikishis awake at 5:00 a.m. and begin stretching, followed by foot-stomping, thigh splits, deep squats, and several other exercises. Then they compete in strenuous practice bouts for a few hours until the high-ranking members arrive to instruct—and critique—them. And the young rikishis do all this on an empty stomach. Why? Because eating before exercising would kick-start their metabolisms, thus burning off the pounds they’re trying to put on. Only when the senior rikishis begin their own grueling practice do the juniors go off to prepare the huge midday meal. After all the wrestlers have eaten lunch, they take long naps. Exercising before eating keeps their metabolic rate low, which conserves calories and contributes to more weight gain; sleeping after eating encourages the body to store food as weight, instead of using it as energy. But the real key to sumo weight gain is the amount of food they eat.
Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader Page 31