Breakfast had become a chore that all of them wanted to get through as soon as possible. Valerie put the food out, silently nursed a cup of coffee while they ate and refused to look at anyone. Lately, Dominick missed all of the morning breakfasts, anyway. She was glad because she didn’t know what she would do if he demanded she confess. She likely couldn’t keep secrets from him. So she avoided being alone with him.
Valerie hated how the recurrent nightmare impacted her extra private time with Dominick. Unable to control or understand the pervasive nightmare, she crawled inside herself in retreat. Most days she tried to sleep during the day so she could stay awake at night to fulfill her obligations.
The precious time with Dominick went back to just twice a month, like the others.
He never asked why. Not even on the subsequent nights they were together for his turn. That he never questioned why they weren’t together on her free days anymore bothered her very deeply. More than Valerie was willing to admit out loud. On the other hand, she was grateful not to have to explain why things were so tense and screwed up in her mind.
She suspected saying the words to the dream aloud would end any possible harmony and patently refused to discuss the problem with anyone. Not even with Daisy.
Valerie half expected Goldie and the gang to call her in and at least ask why she was back to the regularly scheduled sexual rotation, but they didn’t interfere. They had probably cheered and done a high five, happy dance in the high committee chamber when she went back to the authorized routine. More likely, they didn’t care.
Even with her self-imposed time diet from Dominick, he was the only one always on her mind. She missed him desperately, but decided that the time away was the best plan for her sanity.
One other aspect of the ‘fucking’ nightmare, which Valerie tried not to over analyze, had to do with the fact that it hadn’t occurred on any night when she’d slept with Dominick. Part of the reason for her retreat away from him was to keep her demons at bay.
Each of the others had watched her flee in terror, but not once had Valerie experienced the nightmare in Dominick’s room. Deep down she worried that if she ever had the nightmare and slipped out of his bed, he’d never allow her to escape. He’d hold her down until she’d spilled her guts. Upon further consideration of that scenario, a worse fear came to light. What if he didn’t stop her? What if he didn’t care about her as much as she did about him?
She couldn’t decide which was worse, so she kept her distance on her own time and prayed she’d never have to find out which scenario would play out. There was less than a year left. She’d endure until it was time to go.
Valerie knocked on Dominick’s door at the end of day two-hundred and fifty-five with anticipation coloring her attitude. Due to the way the schedule had worked out, she hadn’t been to his room for over two and a half weeks.
After a lengthy wait, she was about to knock again when the door snapped open. Dominick ushered her inside, but kept well away from her.
“I thought we’d start with dinner,” he said and pointed to the dining room table filled with food. Outwardly, he looked as dark and deliciously sexy as he always had, but several minutes of no further conversation or looks in her direction signaled his reserved attitude. He’d likely been this way the last time, but she hadn’t noticed.
“Is something wrong?” she asked.
A mirthless smile surfaced. “I could ask you the same thing. You’ve been distant lately.”
Valerie rocked back. She was an idiot. She was the one who’d stopped coming to see him in her free time. The rules probably stated somewhere that he couldn’t even ask her why. She’d half expected him to demand she explain on one of the nights they were together, but in the past few months he hadn’t crossed the line.
Truthfully, she’d been so preoccupied with keeping her nightmare a secret from him, she hadn’t thought about why he didn’t ask. She’d just been grateful not to have to answer.
Cooling herself down a little, Valerie said, “I’m fine. I’ve been looking forward to seeing you. The truth is, I’ve missed you.”
“Have you?” The disdain in his tone conveyed his feelings perfectly. They stared at each other for several seconds until she looked away first. He exhaled a long, deep breath, but remained silent. He obviously didn’t believe she ached for him. Although, why would he?
Valerie realized what a bitch she’d been. She’d called the shots in this forbidden relationship. That he didn’t opt to serve his heart on a platter for her amusement shouldn’t elevate her ire. But it did. She wanted him to have missed her, too. She wanted him to love her the way she loved him. She wanted things to be the way they used to be before the ‘fucking’ nightmare ruined what little happiness she’d found aboard this spacecraft.
The fear of stirring the wicked beast of her confession to the surface kept her silent. She never wanted to explain the dream. Not to anyone. Especially not to Dominick.
Before she weakened her resolve to keep that element a secret, she changed the direction of her thoughts and asked the politely inane question, “What’s for dinner?”
“What does it matter?” he muttered. Turning his back, he crossed the room to the food-laden table and dropped into his chair. He picked up a platter of meat and forked some onto his plate.
Valerie’s mouth fell open in shock.
Staring at his food as if it were the most fascinating thing in the room, he said, “You should eat if you’re going to. It’s getting cold.”
Do or die, the confession she’d held inside for so long bubbled to the surface so fast her tongue itched. “I’m so sorry, Dominick.”
He looked up as if surprised she’d spoken at all. “Sorry? For what? Abandoning me?” He stood. The chair scraped the floor in a loud angry movement and he approached with a dangerous expression. Valerie didn’t move. “Or are you sorry for making me fall in love with you and then dismissing me without a single word?”
“You’re in love with me?” she whispered.
Closing the meager distance between them swiftly, he towered over her. “They told me, you know.”
Oh no. The nightmare. He knew.
Stunned, Valerie put her hands to her face and lowered her gaze. “How did they know?”
“How do they know anything? They just do. My only regret is that I wish you’d had the balls to tell me yourself.” He stalked back to the table and scraped the chair back into place without sitting. “It would have saved me the humiliation of demanding the truth from Golden and the boys.”
Valerie followed him to the table slowly, trying to keep track of the conversation. She wasn’t sure they were having the same one. “What truth did they tell you?”
“They told me you have a favorite mate and that you’re in love with him.” Dominick looked away to say the last words. “They explained to me that you spent all that extra time with me to try and forget him. I can only assume that you threw caution to the wind and confessed your love to the other man you hold dear. And that’s why you’ve been gone from me the past few months.”
“They told you—”
He interrupted her. “They warned me not to ask you about it, but I find at this moment that I’m willing to face their wrath if you’ll explain why you spent all of your off days biding your time with me if you only intended to break my heart and pursue one of the others.”
“When did you ask them?”
“The morning after the first night that you didn’t show up like I expected.”
She stroked her palm down one arm from shoulder to elbow. “You went to the High Committee chamber and asked about me?”
“Not exactly.” He looked away and sighed. “You aren’t the only one that gets called to task for rule violations, you know.”
Turning back, he grabbed her gently by the shoulders and whispered, “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“There was nothing like that to tell. Besides, they lied to you.”
“Did they? Why di
dn’t you come back?”
Valerie swallowed hard. “Listen to me carefully. I spent all that time away from you because of a completely different reason. One I don’t care to explain. I spent all those extra days with you because you are my favorite. It has been agony to be separated from you.”
His expression softened. “I wish I could believe that.”
“What would it take? What do I have to do?”
“Tell me you love me. And promise to spend all your extra time here, like before.”
Valerie should have jumped for joy. Now she knew his true feelings. He loved her. But the stubborn insistence of keeping the nightmare a secret intruded.
“I love you. But I won’t abandon the others and you can’t tell them that I favor you.”
“I don’t expect you to abandon anyone. I won’t tell anyone anything, but if I’m really your favorite, then I want you to spend your time off here.” He gathered her in his arms and kissed her hard. A sob rose in her throat as the memories of the dream haunted the forefront of her mind.
Dominick carried her to bed and made tender love to her, whispering repeatedly how much he’d missed her. He told her over and over how much he didn’t want to live without her.
Secure in his arms for the first time in ages, Valerie accidentally dozed off next to Dominick. The nightmare came with a vengeance. She woke trapped underneath his beefy arm and fought like a wounded wild animal to free herself. As she’d feared, he declined to let her escape and run to her room like she always did with the others.
She screamed. She cried. He pinned her more firmly to the bed and demanded to know what she was upset about. She tried to buck his body off of hers to no avail. Once the initial terror of the dream had faded and Valerie’s marginal sensibilities became clear again, she opened her eyes.
“Release me!”
“Not on your life. What the fuck is wrong?”
“I had a bad dream.”
He snorted. “Bad dream? I’ll say. You put scratch marks on me.” Catching her eye he added, “And not the good kind.”
“There’s a good kind?”
Dominick’s eyes softened, but he didn’t remark or explain the ‘good’ kind of scratches. “This is why you’ve been a zombie at breakfast?”
“How would you know? You never attend breakfast any more.”
“Hauser came to me because he was worried about you. And I stopped attending the morning meal for a completely different reason. One I decline to explain.”
“I hate it when you use my own words against me.”
A smile shaped his luscious mouth. “Well, I hate to see you look like a zombie, babe.” He leaned closer for a kiss. Softly he pressed his mouth to hers, teasing her lips with the tip of his tongue until she kissed back.
Dominick pulled his lips away. “I know you’ll likely tell me to go to hell, but what is the nightmare that has you so destroyed?”
She shook her head and closed her eyes. “I don’t want to tell you.”
He released a deep sigh. “You can’t keep this bottled up.”
Valerie’s eyes popped open. “Oh, yes, I can.”
“And how is that working out for you?”
Valerie inhaled and exhaled. Her lips trembled and an unwanted sob escaped. “It’s bad. Really bad. I don’t want anyone to know. I don’t even want to say the words out loud.”
“Talk to me, babe. I swear I won’t tell anyone.”
His anguished tone and her desire to unload the guilt associated with the nightmare conspired to force a confession. Snuffling a little, she looked away from his piercing gaze and whispered the dream from the knock on the door until the end when they left her crumpled on the dark, dirty floor, laughing as they parted, calling her nasty names.
His lips caressed her temple in a tender kiss. “I’m sorry.” He released her arms and rolled to his back as if to give her the option of escape. For the first time since the nightmare had started torturing her sleep, she didn’t want to get away.
“I know they’d never do this to me.” Valerie sat up. “Which makes it worse.”
Dominick cleared his throat. “Maybe now that you’ve confided in someone, you won’t dream it anymore.”
“I wish that were true.”
“It’s sounds like you have a load of guilt over something.”
“What guilt?”
“I don’t know. Guilt over being with more than one man. Guilt over wanting to spend more time with me than the others. It could be lots of things. Why don’t you tell them—”
“I’m never telling them about this!” Valerie twisted and grabbed his shoulders. “And you can’t tell them either. Swear to me! Swear that you’ll keep quiet.”
Dominick took both of her hands in his. “I swear they won’t hear it from me. But they should hear it from you.”
“No.”
“You can’t go on like this. Tell them you have a favorite and move on.”
“I can’t. I’ve been ordered not to by Goldie and the gang. I’m not in the mood to go back there. I don’t want to undermine the harmony we’ve managed to accumulate so close to Return Day. Besides, it won’t work.”
“I disagree. If you tell them, the nightmare will likely stop.”
Valerie threw the covers back and slipped out of their bed. “No. You’re wrong. If I tell them the truth, it will cause a worse rift than already exists now and then I’ll feel guilty night and day.”
“You’re the one who’s wrong, Valerie. The only rift has been caused by you walking around like a zombie because you can’t sleep.”
She hated when he called her by her name instead of the endearment she’d become accustomed to. “Listen to me. You’d better not tell them. Don’t even mention it.”
Tossing the covers back to exit his side of the bed, Dominick snarled, “I’m not the one having screaming nightmares every night. And besides, they know your feelings anyway. We can all read you like a fucking book.”
Her fingers flew to her face and a sudden sob of angry despair escaped. The gut-wrenching fear of guilt overwhelmed her. She didn’t want anyone to know. “It’s not fair. It’s not fair to make me tell them that I like you best. It’s just not fair.” She sat down on the end of the bed.
He looked skyward momentarily and then zeroed his penetrating gaze right on her. “This isn’t about fairness, babe, it’s about your health. You think they don’t see it? You think they aren’t brutalized by the fact that you’re dreaming recurrently about something they can’t help you with or change? Do us all a favor and confess or I worry if you’ll even make it to Return Day. And if you don’t make it, then neither do we.”
She popped up from the end of the bed because he came too close to her. She didn’t want to be trapped with the vestiges of the nightmare so fresh in her mind. “What if they hate me? What if I tell them and they all hate me?”
“They won’t.” He grabbed her shoulders and squeezed. “Besides, what if you have a nervous breakdown tomorrow and we all go crazy in three months from lack of sex?”
She wrenched herself from his grasp, breaking their connection. “So it’s all my fault.”
Dominick shot his hands to his face and dragged them down. “That is not what I meant and you know it. God, Valerie, do you hear yourself? You have two choices. You either tell them what is really going on or live with it in silence. And I have to tell you that I don’t think the silent gig is working for you.” His anger brought her attention forward.
“I’m just so sorry to threaten your only piece of ass.”
“You know better. Don’t force me to turn you over my knee.”
Valerie sucked in a deep breath and backed away.
* * * *
Valerie’s bright round eyes filled with utter terror. She withdrew from him in fear for the first time since Dominick had known her.
What is wrong with me?
He should never have raised his voice. He was more afraid than at any other time since he’d been trappe
d here. This place was an endurance test at best and for a man who was always in control, Dominick found he had none.
Valerie was losing it. She was his mate in every sense of the word and he didn’t know how to help her if she wouldn’t help herself.
Taking a deep breath to aid in calming his raw emotions, he said quietly, “I’m sorry, babe. I’m just seriously worried about you.” He walked to her slowly and took her gently into his arms.
She stared at him for a long moment, then nodded and hugged his waist, resting her head against his shoulder. “If you were one of the others, and I told you I favored, say, Hauser, would you be mad?”
Yes. Damn it! Her question was difficult to answer out loud. He wasn’t able to tell her what she wanted to hear, but he couldn’t lie to her either.
Dominick took a deep breath for strength. “Keep in mind that I’m not them. And, yeah, I’d be furious.”
She tensed up in his arms and tried to break away, but he held her fast and talked faster. “But then again, like I said, I’m not them. The feelings I have for you are alien to me.” He pulled back until he caught her eye. “Isn’t that funny? I made a pun.” A smile curved her lips and she relaxed in his arms.
“The honest truth is that I love you, babe. I love you deep down where it hurts me to think of you with others. Ever. It’s all I can do to keep my temper in check day to day. Breakfast is difficult for me with everyone there, so I generally avoid it.
“From the first time with you, I’ve nursed a hole in my soul on the days when you aren’t with me. Eight days a month I mourn you. Do the others feel this way? I can’t imagine they could possibly feel the way I do. But I can’t bear seeing you with dark circles every day. And all five of us are worried.”
“I’ll live. The alternative is worse. Plus, I’ve been ordered by the High Committee not to admit it.”
“The only others you need to worry about are the ones in our household. They deserve the truth. It’s your unnecessary guilt eating at you. Perhaps you need to reveal it to resolve this problem.” She tensed in his arms again but he held on. “But if you don’t want to, then in the meantime, why don’t I teach you some hand-to-hand combat techniques.”
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