by Shey Stahl
I had a plan in the beginning, a way I thought my life would venture after college, and it wasn’t anything like what I had initially imagined. Somewhere along the way, probably when I tripped, it deviated from my plan.
One thing about the plan I had, Beau had taught me a little something about his theory on “You gotta jump sometime.”
It was okay to just jump.
So we did, and now here we were, expecting a baby in a six weeks.
“Hey, babe,” I said when he answered, sounding extremely tired. I settled on the couch, watching the flickering flame of the fire.
“How’re my girls doin’?”
I giggled at the roughness of his voice. He sounded like he’d been gargling nails. “Wow, all those late nights are doing a number on your voice. I wish you were here to whisper in my ear.”
“Me too.” He cleared his throat. “God, I miss you, baby.” Beau sighed. “I’m jealous my sister gets to see you every day. I fuckin’ miss you so much right now. She better not be in bed with you every day.”
I laughed. “Only when I’m cold. She really likes my noodle.”
“Your what?”
“My noodle. That pregnancy pillow, remember? The one even you were cuddled up with while watching football last Sunday?”
“Oh…yeah. Didn’t realize it was called a noodle.”
“As much as I love your sister, I would prefer to see you every day.”
He laughed and I could hear the faint sounds of music in the background and knew he must still be at the studio, another late night for him. I don’t think anyone, even me, realized how much work went into recording an album.
“Will you be home this weekend?” I asked, digging through the freezer to find I still had some ice cream left. Score for me.
He seemed distracted, rustlings noise coming from the other end of the line followed by tapping. “I’m trying to be, but with this storm coming in, I’m not sure.”
Stupid snow ruining my plans. One thing about being pregnant was I wanted sex all the time. The moment Beau would come through the door, I was all over him. And you know, not once had he complained about it. All he ever said was when this baby was born, he was knocking me up again.
“That sucks.”
“I wish you could come here and be with me during the week,” Beau suggested.
Beau was constantly suggesting we move to Nashville. I thought about it, but I had a good job now at the hospital and I didn’t want to leave that behind. Especially with the baby coming, I needed the medical insurance they had.
“I’d like that...but we can’t.”
“You’re unreasonable,” he teased lowly, and despite him being annoyed, his voice still made my breathing increase and my heart flutter in anticipation.
God, I wished he was here.
“I know, but I can’t. Kevin would kill me if I just up and quit.”
I hadn’t noticed the clicking sound until Beau stopped, seeming to have been tapping something against the table, whatever it was that he was obsessively clicking, he had stopped.
“Kevin? Who’s Kevin?”
“You know, Kevin,” I stammered, smiling to myself the conversation went this way, “my boss.”
Wrapping a blanket around myself, I frantically racked my brain to remember if I’d told him who Kevin was before. I could have sworn I had.
Shit, maybe I didn’t tell him.
“Um, no...I know every man’s name that has come out of your mouth since we met, and not once have I heard Kevin. I’ve heard mine a lot, mostly in my ear, moaning, but nope, no Kevin.”
Of course he went there.
“Oh, well, Kevin is my boss.” I spoke nonchalantly, not knowing what else to say, and opening the container of ice cream with my legs up on the couch, the fire going, all I needed was my man, or Blaine, to cuddle with.
“Does he know you have a boyfriend?” Beau demanded.
“I’m sure he does. I am eight months pregnant.”
“That doesn’t mean shit.” His tone was defensive and I wanted to laugh.
“Are you for real? Why does it even matter? What were we originally talking about?”
“I don’t remember. You distracted me bringing up another man. I’m more concerned with this Kevin guy.”
“Why would you even be concerned about him?”
“He knows not to fish in the company pond, right?”
“Yes,” I sighed. “I’m pretty sure he does.”
I knew Beau well enough to know he wasn’t the jealous type, but it was actually cute and funny to see him this way. It reminded me of when he was upset about Harry offering me a ride on his lap.
“You’re being irrational. You never act this way.”
“No, I’m not,” he defended. “And now, I’m definitely coming home tomorrow. I’m going to pick you up from work and meet this boss man,” he said with a hint of finality. “I may even propose tomorrow in front of him.”
“No, you won’t. And I have tomorrow off. You’ll have to save your epic proposal for another day.”
“So are you going to finally marry me sometime soon?” Beau had been saying for months he wanted to marry me, teasing of proposing, but hadn’t actually done it.
At his question, I instantly remembered that night at the lake and my cheeks heated with the memory. “So are you going to let me kiss you sometime soon?”
“I wasn’t aware you wanted to.” I used my same answer I did back then.
Beau laughed, the sound throaty, and so incredibly sexy. “Yes you were. I think you are well aware of the fact I want to make you my wife, Bentley.”
“Hmmm, maybe I did, a little.”
“You knew. You did.”
We were quiet for a moment, me watching the snow and wondering if he was doing the same. “I can’t believe this snow.”
He groaned, and then made an umph sound like he fell back against something. “The things I’m gonna do to you when I get home should be illegal.”
“In some religions I bet they are, naughty boy.”
“Like the Amish, they would definitely throw my ass in jail.”
I laughed so hard at him it hurt my stomach. “Ow.”
“What?” Beau was immediately at attention whenever I complained.
“I’m cramping tonight.” My voice was a little strained from the pain, the dull ache that seemed to settle over my entire swollen stomach. “I think it’s like Braxton Hicks contractions or something.”
“I don’t like the sound of that. You sound like you’re in pain.” His tensed voice made me realize how protective he’d become over us. “I should drive home tonight.”
“No, Beau, the weather station said they’re calling for another foot tonight. I don’t want you driving home in this weather. Just wait until it eases up.”
“I’m gonna come home in the morning. It may take me all day, but I’m coming back.” I could almost hear the pain etched in his words.
“Okay,” I finally agreed, because I wanted him here.
WHEN I WOKE up Friday morning, something felt strange. I’d been cramping all night, and finally I felt like it was time I called the doctor when I couldn’t get her to move around. Usually, I would gently push on my stomach and she’d squirm. Now, she did nothing. And then I noticed a few spots of blood and really began to panic.
Sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea, I waited for the nurse to call me back, staring out at the thick blanket of white snow and trying not to freak out. It hardly ever snowed in Alabama and, of course, the one weekend I really wanted Beau here, a snow storm had to hit. There had to be at least two feet of snow on the ground now.
Looking down at my stomach, I touched it gently. “Are you okay, little lady? Move for Mommy and tell me you’re fine. Please, baby.”
The nurse finally called back and I explained what the cramps felt like and how the baby wasn’t moving much. She instructed me to go to the hospital immediately and head straight to the ER.
Af
ter getting dressed, I went next door to knock on Blaine’s door, hoping she wasn’t working this morning and could drive me to the hospital. No way was I trying to drive in this snow when I was nervous like this.
Gavin answered in his underwear, his eyes wide when he took in my appearance and me holding my stomach. “Bentley, are you okay?”
“No, I’m not.” I was in tears by then. “Something’s wrong. I need to get to the hospital right now.”
Gavin reached for his keys on the hook beside the door. “I’ll drive you.”
He stepped out the door and I stopped him. “Clothes, Gavin. You need clothes.”
Smiling, he looked down at his half-naked body. “Right.”
Blaine came running downstairs, pulling on pants and a sweatshirt. “What’s wrong? Gavin said something’s wrong with the baby?”
“Something is wrong. I need you guys to take me to the ER.”
Frantically grabbing at shoes and her purse, and then Gavin, Blaine helped me inside Gavin’s lifted F-350. “Does Beau know?”
“No, I came right over here. I’ll call him on the way there.”
The wind picked up, blowing sheets of white crystals in my face, slapping at my skin like tiny pieces of glass.
Fuck, it was cold.
Huddled up in the backseat with Blaine, Gavin drove us to the ER, careful of the roads covered in a thick layer of snow. It took us ten minutes just to get out of the driveway and I had a feeling the roads from Nashville to here were even worse.
Please tell me he’s on his way home.
With my phone in hand, the tears kept flowing, thinking the worst—I was going to have her early and Beau wouldn’t be here for it.
I called him, only he didn’t answer, and I was afraid to leave this kind of message, but I had to. “Beau, I’m cramping and bleeding. The nurse told me to go to the ER, so Blaine and Gavin are taking me now.” I gasped, my tears overtaking my words. “Beau, I need you. Please.”
WHEN WE ARRIVED at the hospital, they had me immediately hooked up to a fetal monitor in the emergency room and then the doctor came in the room, did an exam, and looked up at me. My heart fell before he even spoke.
“You have what is called a premature rupture of the membrane. We’re going to send you over to labor and delivery and give you some antibiotics and some medicine to try to the stop the labor. There’s minimal fetal activity, which leads us to believe the baby is in distress. We are going to run some more tests and see where we go from here.”
Where we go from here?
“What?” I gasped, covering my mouth as tears surfaced, my mind spinning. My baby’s in trouble? In that moment, when those words left the doctor’s mouth, my heart felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.
Blaine clamped her hands over mine tightly, giving me support without saying too much. The doctor left the room without another word.
Refusing to let me walk, I was transferred to another bed and wheeled over to labor and delivery with Blaine holding my hand. “Beau just called Gavin. He’s on his way. They apparently left an hour ago. The power went out and Beau’s phone is dead.”
I wanted him here so badly.
The anxiety welled up, and my vision blurring into the white walls and ceiling as they moved me to a different room. All along, I thought something was going to go wrong. No way would I be granted a life like this with Beau. And when I was, I’d thought it was a miracle.
And now it was all spiraling out of control. I was waking up from that coma and inside of the worst nightmare ever, without him by my side.
“Does he know about the baby?”
“Gavin told him.”
I used the sleeve of Beau’s jacket I was wearing to wipe my eyes. “What did he say?”
“Nothing that I know of. The connection was really bad and I think he was out of range.”
They got me into a room, in a gown, and then laid back in bed with the monitors hooked up. If I wasn’t panicked by then, I was when I stared at the monitors and the ultrasound screen as three nurses huddled around. Commotion was all around me, but I focused on that screen, my baby girl, not moving.
They wanted to know where Beau was. “Is your husband with you?”
“We’re not married, but no, he’s not here with me right now.”
“Can he get here soon?”
“He’s on his way.”
Placing my hands gently on my stomach, I looked down at my baby bump, teardrops splattering on my shirt. “Hang in there, baby girl. Please be okay. Mommy and Daddy love you so much.”
Gavin stayed in the waiting room with Gale, Beau’s mom, who rushed over, while Blaine remained by my side.
I refused to let Blaine out of my sight. If Beau couldn’t be here, I had the next best thing, my best friend and his twin sister. At least I could look at her and find comfort.
“Don’t leave me,” I told her when we were inside the labor and delivery room.
In tears herself, she pushed her dark messy hair from her face, rubbing my arm. “I’m not going anywhere. Even my brother won’t be able to kick my ass out. I’m staying.”
Another nurse came in, long blonde hair and a perfect smile, and noticed Blaine. She looked familiar, but I couldn’t place her name, or if I even knew her. “Hey, babe, what are you doing here today? I thought it was your day off?”
We were at the same hospital we both worked at, so naturally we were going to run into people we knew at some point.
“It is my day off.” Blaine handed me another pillow, staying right by the side of the bed. “This is Beau’s girlfriend, Bentley. She’s in labor. Bentley,” she nodded to the nurse, “this is Tabitha. We went to school together.”
“Oh goodie! A little Beau baby.” Tabitha gleamed. “I heard he’s coming out with a CD in April, is that right?” Before I could answer, she went over to the bedside computer. She let me know she would be my nurse while I was in Labor and Delivery and then began staring at the screen.
“Great, and yes, his record comes out in April,” I mumbled, waiting for her face to give me an indication as to what my chart said, my face falling right along with my heart.
As she read the notes, she began talking. “So it looks like they’re waiting on blood work.” Her eyes darted through what I assumed was everything said to me in the emergency room, and it hit her. She swallowed, as if her throat was suddenly dry. The dread of what she was seeing washed over me like the snow outside, cold, bitter, clinging to your skin, refusing to let up and gnawing at every other sensation you had.
“I’m just going to call the lab on the blood work and I’ll be right back…okay? Can I get you anything?”
I said nothing and gave a blank stare.
“Blaine, can I talk to you for a minute?” Tabitha gave a nod to the door.
Blaine stood and I reached for her hand, looking over at Tabitha. “Don’t do that,” I snapped, ready to break down completely. “I know what you’re going to do.” Tabitha’s lips turned down at my words, her cheeks heating with the faintest shade of pink. “You’re going to pull her outside and tell her my baby isn’t going to make it, aren’t you?”
Tabitha drew in a deep breath, visibly fighting back her emotions I was sure she’d become numb to over the years of being a nurse. Making her way beside me, her warm hand touched over my stomach.
I was afraid to meet her eyes, thinking she’d tell me right then I shouldn’t have hope. “I was only going to ask where Beau was. If he was on his way.” I nodded. “Okay, so, hopefully, he gets here soon and we can go from there.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t think the medicine is going to work. The baby is in distress.”
“Okay, so get her out now.”
“That doesn’t mean she’s going to survive. I’m so sorry, Bentley. We can only hope for the best.”
AS I STARED at my phone in my lap, hoping Beau would call and say he was here, an hour passed with Blaine and Tabitha by my side. I had no idea what to think when
the doctor came in, only I feared the worse by his brashness toward me.
“Good morning, Bentley.”
Fuck you. My baby is dying. There’s no good morning about it.
The douche of a doctor wouldn’t even look at me. “As I said before, there is still minimal fetal movement, we see the cord is wrapped around her neck at least once and your blood tests came back abnormal. I’m very sorry, but the chances of your baby’s survival are very low.” And then he left, not saying another word to me.
Was he serious?
I stared at Tabitha. “What the fuck is he talking about?”
She sat next to me and took my hand in hers. “What he means, and can’t be subtle about anything, is your baby is in severe distress. We’re giving you some antibiotics and steroids since you’re thirty-three weeks, but with the minimal fetal movement and abnormal blood tests, it means her chance of survival is low.”
An indescribable guilt knotted in my chest when I thought about my baby in distress.
This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening.
Not like this.
No.
I stared at Tabitha, praying she wasn’t telling me this. Her eyes darted to Blaine. “Have you heard from Beau yet?”
“He’s on his way, but his phone died and with all the snow…” She burst into tears. “I don’t know. I imagine the roads are horrible.”
I wasn’t settling and wanted to get out of the bed, so I started to. “I’ll go to a different hospital then.” The tightness in my chest took over and I gasped, another wave of emotions taking over. This could not be happening.
“I’m very sorry, Bentley.” Tabitha urged me back in bed, never letting me get up.
“STOP saying that!” I screamed at her, shaking my head frantically, trying to make her take back the words. “Do the ultrasound again. You have to be wrong. She was fine yesterday. Maybe she’s just sleeping. Just, please, do it again.”