‘What’s wrong then? You’re acting weird as hell if you’re not sulking. Did you not sleep?’ He watches me move around the room, primping and preening items that are already neat and tidy, but just an excuse to wander. I don’t want to turn and look at him casually nestled on my bed like he belongs there, sitting all wide shouldered and muscular, with strong thighs and way too many male hormones, for a pink and fluffy bedroom.
‘Yeah, I’m tired.’ I reply flatly. Not sure how else to explain the absolute weird way I know that I am behaving, it’s like I have lost all ability to even talk to him anymore. My voice clogging up in my throat and just feeling a surge of sheer overwhelming pain with his presence. I try to avoid looking at him and just will him to leave, until I can at least pull myself together.
I move to the window, looking outside on the sea view to try and hone my thoughts and emotions into one steadier more manageable block, rather than this messy, all over the place shambles. I literally fall to pieces when his breath tickles the back of my neck, sending a thousand tiny goosebumps across every inch of my skin and flutters in my stomach. I freeze as his arms slide casually around my shoulders from behind and he nestles against me, his jaw against my hair above my ear. I don’t move, afraid to breathe, afraid to let myself react in anyway, and trying to push down all the confused signals my body is sending out in every direction. Suddenly aware of how much we have touched one another over the years, how abnormal this really is for two platonic people, the lack of boundaries we have with one another, considering my past. I’m so confused.
‘Soph’s I’m sorry. I know I walked out after saying I would be here for you, but I’m trying to make things right. I hate when we fight. We were both tired and emotional and being shitty and impulsive. Can we just start over?’ His body moves around me like a protective shield, but instead of the safe haven, and relaxed feeling it used to give me, my body goes into high alert, overly aware of where exactly pieces of his anatomy are touching me and trying not to. I can pretty much feel his trouser snake nestling in between my butt cheeks in an overly sensual way that makes my stomach erupt in fire and shame. I shrug out of his embrace a tad harshly, heart thumping through my chest and literally feeling like I am about to join Leila in the bat shit crazy ranks.
‘Stop … I can’t. It’s fucking with my head.’ I blurt out insanely. Pulling myself back against the wall defensively, hoping space will calm the tidal wave of tingles coming from my toes, as I turn on him, disrupting the table beside the window. I send all the trinkets and perfume bottles clattering over.
‘Sophie what the hell has gotten into you?’ Arrick frowns hard at me and moves to pick up a bottle that rolls towards his foot. Even watching all that wide muscle and perfect male body scoop and stoop and fluidly straighten up to his tall height and bring that way too handsome face back to me, I literally feel myself snap inside. My body heating in places I have never had it heat, tingles low down around THERE and suddenly I am breathless and reeling, and yup, about to have the most god-awful panic attack.
What in the actual fuck?
‘Nothing. I think you should go… I don’t feel well and I just need to lay down.’ I stammer, trying to cool my body and calm my breathing from this hormonal overdrive that has erupted inside of me, but his gaze only narrows at me. I can feel heat creeping up my face, my hand shaking, and I just need him to move, like five feet backwards, and let me breathe.
‘Why are you lying to me? You never lie to me.’ Arrick looks wounded, moving a step closer as he scrutinises my face, but all I can do is impulsively stop him with a flat palm to his chest in an absurd manner.
I really am losing the plot.
‘I can’t, please don’t make me.’ The sob catches in my throat and my eyes fill with moisture, desperately fighting myself internally and wracked with extreme confusion.
‘Sophie you’re worrying the shit out of me, what’s wrong with you? Don’t make you what? Forgive me? That makes no sense, I can’t force you to not be mad at me.’ He half smiles, half frowns with question, looking down at the splayed hand on his chest and slides it away, by covering my fingers in his and yanking me towards him.
‘Stop being weird and come here.’ He laughs, shaking his head at me and moves to pull me closer, his other hand hooking onto the belt loop at my waist and tugging my pelvis into his groin with a gentle thud. This one little innocent act sends me completely over the edge.
‘You can’t touch me like that anymore…It’s not right… Because, because .. I love you!’ I blurt it out as panic envelopes me, his body moulding a little too well and hysteria catching as I try like crazy to twist myself away from him and separate us from this intimate position.
‘What are you talking about? I love you too, Soph’s. Touching you in what way?’ He’s still trying to angle me in for a hug, completely oblivious that I am trying like crazy to keep parts of his anatomy well away from malfunctioning parts of mine, and seems to think I am probably just struggling because I am still pissed at him. I duck out under his arm and high tail it to my bedside, breathing hard as tears begin falling down my face in sheer frustration.
‘Sophie what the hell?’ He turns with a smile, but on seeing my tears stops in his tracks, a concerned frown overtaking those beautiful features.
‘What is it Mimmo?’ He moves towards me, but I hold up shaky palms in complete soul-destroying desperation.
‘I LOVE you.’ I almost spell it out to him, slowly and firmly, voice trembling painfully, raising my eyebrows as I say it, while looking him dead in the eye. I don’t know how else I can make this clear, while still trying to come to terms with it myself. This isn’t something I am accustomed too and never thought I would ever be saying it to anyone in this way, let alone him.
‘Okay…. You said that …..’ Arrick stops after two steps, almost as though something registers mid stride and his face falls instantly. He seems to take a moment to think, that frown crossing his beautiful face and the slight tense look he gives me.
‘By love?…… Sophie…. What do you mean?’ A hint of panic seems to wash over his normally tanned skin, lightening to a paler hue as something ripples through that sharp brain.
I guess he got it.
‘I’m sorry Arry, I didn’t mean too. It’s not like I meant for things to change… It just happened.’ My hands fall by my side, tears falling freely as Arrick seems to catch up with what I am trying to say, rambling like a crazy weirdo. I just feel ashamed, and I have no idea why. Every part of my body is responding in new ways and I can’t understand how that even works.
The brain really screws up everything.
‘You don’t love me like that Sophie, you don’t know what you’re saying. This is stupid, you’re confused.’ He looks completely shell shocked, colour instantly draining from his face and all hints of playful are replaced with sheer dumbfounded. Arrick seems to be handling this almost as badly as I did in Emma’s kitchen. His normally cool and calm composure seems to slip uncontrollably as his voice trembles, he looks like he isn’t sure how he should behave and really struggles to stand at peace. His hands are mid-air, grasping at nothing as though looking for words in between us.
‘Arry?’ I reach out to him this time, alarmed by the ashen look on his face and the way he is frowning like that, his head obviously running at a hundred miles an hour to process what I have actually just said. I step forward, but he is the one to move back this time, lifting fingers to hold me still and telling me to wait. He looks like he needs to sit down. The pale skin has gotten decidedly paler and he seems a little unsteady on his feet. Meanwhile, my heart is crashing around in my chest, undecided if it’s going for nervous, scared, terrified or heart broken.
Seems everyone on up here in this room is as confused as hell right now, and no one knows how to react.
‘Sophie, you’re like a kid sister to me…. You ARE a kid sister to me. We’re not like that. You.. …Me…… We have never been like that. This isn’t right Sophie, this is
wrong on so many levels, it’s practically incest.’
Touché. Great minds and all that.
The panic fleeting across his face breaks my heart a thousand times more than the past two years have. I never wanted to tell him, but somehow with him, as everything in my life, it always comes out involuntarily when I am with him. It has always been this way with him, it’s why he knows every single sordid detail of my past. I have never been able to keep anything from him for long and I guess it’s because I have always loved him.
God girl, you are such a fool.
‘You think I wanted this? You think I asked to start feeling differently about you? Or to even know that’s what this emptiness has even been? Don’t you think I wish I could just push it all away, and be like I was before?’ I raise my palms in angst.
‘I didn’t know until yesterday that this was what is even wrong with me. This is all a shock to me too and it’s not like I don’t know that this isn’t right. I know you don’t look or feel that way about me, I know you’re in love with Natasha and this fucks me and you up in every way. You don’t need to point this out to me…I already know Arry!’ I sob, slumping down on the floor hopelessly, Arrick hesitates, moving as though to come to me, to console me, but then steps back, confused if he should or shouldn’t, and choosing to play safe and stay back.
‘I don’t know what to say. What you want me to do? I don’t even know how to feel right now Soph’s.’ Arrick moves back until he meets the wall behind him and slumps down too, sitting in mirroring poses, facing one another across the floor. I wipe my tears away and just look at him hopelessly. Finding that inner numb to get through this moment.
‘If I knew what to do then I would be doing it.’ I sniff back, the lump in my throat painfully bad and it’s making talking harder. My eyes scramble over his dishevelled form, he looks utterly devastated, which in turn, does the same to me.
‘You and me Soph’s, it’s always been innocent. It’s always been platonic. I don’t get how this…’ He trails off, as though somehow verbalising his questions will make me suddenly have some sort of epiphany that this was all a big silly childish mistake. That maybe, he can talk sense into me and make me take it all back.
‘You don’t get how I could fall in love with you? Really?’ I struggle to my feet, sarcasm biting at just how dense he can be and stare down at him. Anger to replace the pain, so predictably me.
‘Is it really that awful or unbelievable?’ I smart, good old temper moving and I really don’t have the energy to argue myself out of it. Arrick must feel awkward sitting down now that I am on my feet, as he clambers up the wall to stand and stays there, looking at me with sheer disbelief.
‘No, it’s just… Sophie this is morally wrong, it crosses so many boundaries. I’ve been your guardian since you were a kid. I watched you grow up…I know everything about what he did to you… We could never.’ Arrick is flailing and I just feel my hot blood boil up in complete agitation.
‘Jesus Christ! It’s not like I am about to force you to have sex with me for god’s sake. Over reacting just a tad, aren’t we?’ I snap at him and go to storm across my room to pick up a hair brush. I can feel my hair sliding down and suddenly I am more than aware I must look like a complete child and it bothers me in a way it never has before.
‘Jesus Sophie…Don’t put that visual in my head…. I don’t want to think about sex with you. I couldn’t ever do that too, or with you… I don’t think I could even kiss you let alone….’ He falters again when I throw him that look that reminds him we already kissed once, and his face crumbles once more.
‘I know we did that, then, but, I was drunk and I don’t even remember Sophie. I don’t think I could ever…That I would want too if we…. Or that I mean……It’s just that you and I….. Trust, and our families………I can’t imagine I could kiss…..’ He’s rambling and it’s gotten to the stage that he is actually pissing me off, rather than making me nervous now.
‘For the love of God!‘ I stalk over to him, impulsive and fiery me taking control, before she snaps with temper. I grab him by the chin with one hand, pull him fast to meet my height and hit him with my mouth on his, kissing him hard. Within a second of lips meeting lips, he jerks back, pushing me away by the arms with sheer shock running across his face. His pupils shrinking to pin holes and the green seems to overtake almost instantly.
I’d say he just had a major shock to the system.
‘What the hell did you do that?’ He stammers, looking whiter than snow and yet, I just feel crushed, I guess I was harbouring some hope that deep down he would maybe like it.
Guess not.
‘To shut you up, you’re rambling, and to clear up all your confusion…See! You clearly can’t. You can go now. Guess we’re done here. ‘ I lift my chin defiantly and turn to walk away and leave him to his midlife crisis, gasping as a strong hand grips my wrist and tugs me back into him. I collide with his torso aggressively, breath caught and completely stunned.
It happens so fast I am too bowled over to really compute what’s happening, his mouth back on mine and his kiss has way more intent than mine had. He moulds to my mouth, his hands cupping my face on each side so his fingers bury in my hair as palms splay across my cheeks, and I am powerless not to be kissed. He sinks pretty much the most non-platonic kiss I have ever felt in my life, a slight part of lips, perfectly meeting and perfectly matched, his nose pressed to the side of mine as fire erupts. My insides explode in an array of fireworks and heat, and then, almost as quickly, he pulls away, dropping his hold on me and lifting palms in the air to signify the ‘what the fuck did I do?’ moment he is clearly having. The look of shock on his face and the manner in which he stands back with utter open-mouthed disbelief tells me, he probably hadn’t intended to do that. And doesn’t seem to have enjoyed the effect it had on him either.
‘Shit. I don’t know why I….. I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, Sophie…. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I…. I don’t know why I …….’ He moves away from me, shell-shocked and completely ready to run. Not that I blame him, it’s left me gasping for breath, even more confused as hell and yet, also strangely surreal. His eyes flicker from one of mine to the other in succession, his breathing rapid and his feet are already heading for the door. Arrick has lost every ounce of his cool and calm control that he excels at in life, right now, he’s a fumbling teen with no clue how to react to something he just impulsively did, and I am just standing, like on slow motion, and feeling that sink of disappointment.
The silence stretches between us endlessly, both looking at one another, then away awkwardly, neither sure what to say or do. I know he’s looking for the words to fix this, there aren’t any. I know his good guy persona means he will try though, and all that kiss did was prove he wouldn’t be able too. He loves someone else, and kissing me just repulsed the hell out of him. I guess he wanted to know, without just having a two second smooch sprung on him, and now he knows. He doesn’t feel the way I do. Like I didn’t already know that, and I don’t need him standing there looking like he may actually pass out, to remind me. His face tells me a thousand things that he doesn’t need to verbalise.
‘I need you to go.’ I know it’s the only thing I can ask of him for my own sanity, if there had been any sort of fairy-tale realisation he has the same feelings, he would have come out with it. It is glaringly obvious that Arrick has only ever seen a vulnerable kid who liked to hang out and share so many dumb interests, before moving on to a real relationship with someone he fell in love with. He has his life mapped out, and it never included me, in any way.
‘Soph?’ He raises his hand and seems to struggle for words.
‘I need some time to let this sink in… I can’t think straight……’ He steps towards me again then stops and moves by me in impulsive afterthought, it’s almost like he no longer knows how to behave around me either. I sigh and just stay still, rooted to the spot, deflated and accepting of the fact that I always knew this was never goi
ng to go anywhere. Arrick is an over thinker, he always has been, and it might take him a couple of days to let it sink in and come to the same conclusion, but he will. When his affection for me and the urge to always do the right thing clears away, and he sees how impossible this really is.
Crazy how those three little words changed everything between us.
I know I lost him the second he understood what I meant, it’s written all over his face and in his reaction. I never stood a chance of being anything more than his friend, his childish side kick, that kid who needed a protector and a shoulder to cry on, and nothing more.
His kid sister.
‘I’m sorry Sophie… I just don’t think I feel that way about you, I have a girlfriend and I don’t know how the hell to play this. I should never have kissed you, and I have to tell her….. That’s not who I am. I don’t cheat, I don’t know what that was.’ He hangs around by the door, and seems like he isn’t sure if he should stay or go. My insides have turned to lead and I don’t think I have any tears left in me to even let out. I just feel empty. Arrick just took the last ounces of what was left inside of me and killed them flat. He didn’t even mean too, and yet, here we are.
‘It was nothing, why bother? It was barely more than a graze of lips, almost chaste, and probably brotherly on your end. You will only hurt her and it’s pretty clear that it was a spur of the moment test that failed. I don’t blame you for anything. You have always been everything for me and more; I owe you so much, and I fell in love with you for it. Now maybe you’re right. We grew apart, and maybe we were meant too, exactly for this reason. So go… I’m not mad. I just need you to leave, and maybe we should just stay clear of each other for a bit, while I get my head straight.’ I say it so steadily, so dead pan and surely, that I even believe it myself.
‘Sophie?’ Arrick starts but I only shake my head. Stubborn girl reigning supreme in a bid to shield myself.
The Carrero Heart - Beginning: Arrick and Sophie. (The Carrero Series Book 4) Page 18