His hands come up and tangle in my hair loosely, curling into its shorter length with a slow gentle motion and pulls my head back slightly so he can angle further, making the kiss more intimate, getting as close as humanly possible. It’s intense, yet not overly passionate, soft, almost inquisitive kissing, feeling me out, feeling out what this does to him. Erupting a million sensations in me than only make this clear that I am completely and utterly in love with him and no one has ever kissed me like this before with the same reaction. His other hand comes around my throat softly, travels along my jaw lightly, and cups my cheek; mouths still locked and tongues probing sensually. There’s a nervousness, yet also a familiarness, that makes this feel so damn good. It feels like I was born to kiss him this way, and the explosion of fireworks inside of me are only reinforcing that fact.
Arrick is the first to catch some sort of sense to what we’re doing and breaks away slowly, pulling back enough to break us apart, yet his nose stays against mine, he rubs it gently against the side of mine tenderly, like he isn’t actually ready to stop this. Eyes locking on my mouth before he swallows loudly, looks completely torn, and fully pulls away so that there’s more than inches between us. He seems to be rattled, clearly affected, just like I am. My breathing has hitched and my heart is pounding through my chest, like it’s going to burst out of its own free will.
’I shouldn’t have done that. We shouldn’t have done that.’ Arrick moves away, looking at me strangely as a war runs through his own brain, running a hand through his hair in cute agitation while trying to keep his distance. I step towards him instinctively, reaching for him, but he only steps back and hurts my feelings instantly. Same effect as stabbing me in the chest with a sharp object.
‘Why?’ I whisper emotionally, something that felt that right between us couldn’t be wrong in my eyes, and for a moment, I felt that Arrick wanted me as much as I want him. He was responding in every way and there was something real in his kiss. You can’t fake that.
‘It just confuses everything, I just confuse things by doing this. I can’t do this to Tasha.’ Arrick sighs heavily, eyes trained on mine, yet I can no longer look at him. He’s doing it again, ripping my heart apart, and my head, and making me feel worthless. I blink back the tears in a bid to hide how much this sucks from him, to try and seem stronger than this, even though I’m failing.
‘It’s not like your cheating this time; you broke up.’ I snap at him, that inner hurt, anger, surfacing quickly like a predictable timer going off. I hate that I am this pathetic at handling pain. It just makes me feel childish and impulsive.
‘It’s not that simple, she’s not some five-minute affair I can just throw aside… She loves me, we’ve been together for a long time Sophie. Up until two minutes ago I didn’t even think I had it in me to ever kiss you like that, let alone like it… My heads so fucked up right now.’ Arrick starts pacing, thoughts tumbling through his head and falling out of his mouth, obviously having another Arrick meltdown at yet another hint that I may be someone he wants to kiss.
‘I love you, I’ve loved you a lot longer than she has even known you. Doesn’t that count for something, doesn’t the fact you just managed to kiss me like that mean anything?’ I yell at him, frustration making me angry and irrational, rage boiling up from seemingly nowhere. Maybe this adrenalin shit is still affecting me, but right now, I cannot take any more of this with him.
‘That’s not fair. Of course it means something, but I should never have let it even happen. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.’ Arrick turns on me, complete devastation crossing his brow. It’s like he’s begging me to give him a break, or somehow make sense of this for him, and I just see red. So hurt at all of this.
‘This is not fair Arrick, you can’t kiss me like that, then tell me you want her.’ I stifle the sob that’s hammering to the surface, tears blinding my eyes, not caring if the entire street can hear us right now. My heart is aching like a lead weight is on my chest and my stomach is on a rollercoaster ride.
‘I didn’t intend to kiss you, and I didn’t say I wanted her. I said it’s not that simple! I don’t know what I want. I haven’t even got my head around how I feel about you Sophie, let alone how I feel about her. Kissing you just makes this even worse. This was wrong, it just confuses both of us….. Maybe it was a reaction to Emma’s baby, the adrenalin or something, but it can’t happen again. This isn’t fair on her.’
He looks so deadly serious, another wound to my soul and I break down properly. Heart wrenching with how bad this can feel, how bad his rejections always affect me, and I begin to cry painfully, like a wounded child who has no cares about anyone seeing her. Arrick moves towards me as tears make their way down my face, his own face crumbling at the sight of them, and losing all resolve.
‘Stop crying, you know I hate seeing you cry.’ His voice breaks with emotion, reaching for me, soft and tender, but I just slap his hands way aggressively. Full fury pouring out at his rejection, heart bruised again and not in the mood to have any more of his touches. Innocent or not. He just messes me up.
‘Go to hell.’ I walk past him at speed, shoving him aside with a shoulder bump, determined to get away from the source of my pain and start heading towards home, Arrick pauses for a moment, watches me, then follows me closely.
‘Don’t be like this.’ Walking behind me, matching pace and following me. I just want him to leave me alone to get control of this sea of emotions and give me some space.
‘Go away, I don’t like you anymore, and I wish to hell I didn’t fucking love you.’ I’m back in childish mode, closing down, and lashing out. Trying to walk faster to outrun him, but he has annoyingly long legs and bigger steps, so keeping even with me is effortless for him.
‘Sophie. Come on. You have to still go home with me tomorrow, so this is pointless; stop and talk to me.’ He makes a grab for my wrist but I try to twist my hand out of his grip immediately. Bristling right now, not wanting him near.
‘Why? So you can tell me how wrong it felt kissing me?’ I snap, shoving off the fingers that try to hook over my shoulder instead. Determined to fight him off.
‘God dammit Sophie!’ Arrick’s temper snaps, his tone and outburst halting me as he grabs my shoulders with both hands and hauls me back to him. He spins me to face him and I am rendered silent with the outburst.
‘I wish it felt wrong, maybe if it had then it would fix my own god damn head, and solve something. The problem being is it felt too fucking right. Is that what you want to hear? Because kissing you felt…..‘ Arrick trails off, confusion over his face, while I’m still crying quietly, anger dissipating fast, to be replaced with complete sorrow and heartbreak at what he’s doing to me. I search his face but he’s closing down on me, reverting to dead pan calm and reeling it all away.
‘Felt what?’ I almost beg him, face to face in the darkness. He keeps looking anywhere but at me, avoiding my eyes, avoiding the way I am trying to focus on him while he tries to let this go. I grab his wrists to try and just get him to face me properly.
‘This is exactly what we shouldn’t be doing … This is what confuses things.’ Arrick makes a move to walk around me, but I step sideways, blocking him confrontationally and repeat my question. He halts, looks at me like I am physically causing him pain.
‘Felt what?’ I say it more forcefully, staring at his downcast face as he frowns at the grip I have on his forearms now. He looks up at me pleadingly, with a face that just begs me to leave this alone, but I can’t. I need to know what he was going to say, it’s ripping my heart apart and I want to know what the end of his sentence was.
‘Felt what?’ I repeat more firmly, tears trickling down my face hopelessly. Arrick drops his chin again, looking down at his hands before he finally meets my eyes, looking completely lost.
‘Felt like I was kissing the girl I should have been kissing all along…. Happy? Because this solves nothing Soph’s. Natasha is still going to be crushed, I’m still going to b
e an asshole who hurts someone I care about, no matter what, or who, I choose. This is still going to be the complicated mess it was yesterday and nothing except my inability to not kiss you will have changed.’ Arrick side steps me. Dismissing me so easily, despite everything he has just said.
‘Go home and get changed, you’re freezing and soaked through. You’re going to get sick.’ He sounds so closed off and harsh, frosty, considering what he said was pretty much an admission to wanting to be with me.
‘You can’t just leave it like this.’ I cry after him as he moves to cross the road in the direction of his mom’s house.
‘Yes, I can… This is not why we’re here and it can damn well wait until we get home. I told you that we were not the priority.’ He’s walking off, obviously trying to put distance between us and I feel that age old anger crashing out impulsively.
‘Fuck you. Walk away then, see if I fucking care!’ I croak after him desperately, Arrick turns mid stalk across the street, throws me an angry look and turns back to keep walking.
‘Grow up Sophie. I’ll see you tomorrow. This isn’t happening, so get used to it.’ He ducks around the side of the tall bushes out of sight as he hits his mother’s lawn, and I am left standing alone, bubbling with rage and heartbreak all intertwined, hating the receding figure of him. A million emotions rumbling to the surface, a mix of elation, heartbreak and sheer furious rage, colliding into one heavy mess.
‘Fuck you.’ I mouth quietly under my breath, knowing he probably didn’t hear it but needing to say it anyway. I turn and head up the street to my own long drive, tears still falling, yet my chin up and stubborn determination on my face that I won’t let him affect me anymore tonight.
* * *
There have been so many tears this morning. I have even seen Leila, Daniel and the twins, after I went to see Ava at the hospital with Jake and Emma; another beautiful little green eyed darling, yet she’s fair, so I think she is going to be a mix of her two parents rather than one of each. It’s clear that they are both completely infatuated with her, they had all three kids in the private room and Jake was taking it in turns to cuddle up with them and the baby, to let them see their new sister. The whole scene was just heart-warming. Emma looks amazing, recovering in bed and hoping to be home by later today, despite Jake’s reservations that she should stay there for a few days.
I throw the last of my clothes in the packing boxes on my bed, I have pretty much taken everything I want this time, some stuffed bears and personal things with sentimental value and the rest of my cosmetics. It’s real this time, leaving home properly, and this time with my family backing me. No more running and hiding, but actually doing it the right way and starting a life that is no longer under my parent’s roof.
A life with a purpose and a goal.
There is some unspoken vibe that everyone knows this is different. I’m not just running away to party and act recklessly. I am following a plan that might take me somewhere better and have some sort of road in my life that leads to something more. The paperwork is waiting back home in Arrick’s apartment for me for the design school, and I can’t wait to go back and get the ball rolling. I could stay a few more days, spend time with the new addition, but my heart is aching to get things moving and I know Arrick needs to leave anyway. He has commitments in the city and I want to go home with him, not later. Despite how things are with him.
Mostly everyone has gone now, to the hospital, to see baby Ava and I want it that way. Staying here and packing up is harder than any other impulsive time I left. This time I know it’s real, it’s not a short-term fix to a problem, but a real meaningful step out the door with no plans to come back here. I’m growing up, finally doing something right and I don’t want the added emotion of my family hanging around or dragging out the goodbyes.
‘You about done?’ Arrick’s voice comes from the open door, I have spoken to him only via text all day. Even timing my hospital trip to avoid him. Short brief responses because I am still pissed and this is the first time I’ve laid eyes on him. I don’t know how to feel about him in this moment, and nothing coursing through me is very affectionate towards him right now.
‘Yup.’ I answer flatly, turning with attitude, ready to do battle still, bristling with hurt pride and hurt heart when I am faced with a huge bunch of white flowers in a crazily expensive display. I falter and just stare at the dozens of white roses and baby’s breath staring me right in the face, clouding him completely from view. I falter, eyes roaming how beautiful they are, yet that inner demon in me is never ready to just accept an apology when I am still reeling this way.
‘What are those for?’ I eye him warily as his head appears from behind the bunch, lowering it to me with a cute smile, looking a bit too confident in himself today. Dressed up in a shirt and chinos over boots, and looking a bit too first date for my liking.
‘I never bought you flowers before… Figured being an asshole last night warranted some. That’s what guys do right? When they fuck up. Apologise with roses?’ He holds them out to me with a doe eyed expression, obviously thinking cute and coy will work with me, because I am female. I forgot how much of a player he used to be, and I’m not impressed that he is pulling out his arsenal of Casanova tricks to smooth my ruffled feathers. Arrick is trying to be cute.
Right now, cute is just pissing me off.
I push them back at him and walk past to my vanity to check one more time that I have lifted everything I want. Opening drawers and moving things around. Heart aching, everything inside of me heavy and bristling.
‘Then send them to your girlfriend, she’s the one you betrayed, not me.’ I respond sarcastically, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice that’s strangling me. Arrick puts the flowers on the bed and walks after me, catching my wrist as I move around and tugs me back to face him. I have no choice but to be pulled, always at a disadvantage with him having way more muscle than me. I sigh in irritation.
‘It’s a white flag…. For a shitty reaction….. Just take the flowers Soph. I bought them for you.’ He looks completely normal, no hint of any real apology, just that infuriating dead pan expression when he hides his inner most feelings. That smug attitude that he knows how to handle me, because he knows me, and thinks that is worth anything right now.
‘Fine!.’ I yank my wrist free and push past him, stalking towards the bed. I walk to the edge and pick up the bunch of flowers, surprised by how heavy it actually feels, how much prettier they are up close, and how gorgeous they smell. A tiny flicker of doubt, possibly resolve weakening, at how thoughtful it actually was that he obviously drove somewhere to pick these up for me, before coming here. I only take a moment’s hesitation to make a decision. I turn and walk towards my table where a beautiful vase is sat and empty, by the window, which is open for some air, it’s been stuffy in here all morning.
I walk over, right past the vase sat on the side table and throw the whole damn thing right out the window and onto the back patio, turn with a raised brow as we hear the delayed ‘woosh’ of exploding cellophane and scattering flowers on concrete slabs. I feel a sense of soaring elation that I just pretty much delivered a big ‘fuck you.’ with minimal effort.
Arrick s face changes from deadpan calm to a disbelieving look, a confused smile and frown, that he can’t believe I just did that, yet doesn’t know what to say, or how to even react. He just keeps staring at me, bewildered. I guess he probably just wasted a couple of hundred bucks on that empty gesture, and I don’t actually care right now.
I smile and raise my brow back at him frostily, before sauntering back to my vanity to continue checking my drawers. Almost daring him to react. I could use an all-out screaming fight with him right now to clear some of this inner rage. Completely bristling for a fight to just vent.
‘Maybe should have sent them to her after all.’ I retort bitchily and then slam my last drawer when I find them all empty.
‘So, flowers are obviously a no go.’ Arrick tries to make light
of it, tone casual, even though I know he’s still shaking his head at what I just did, but I just ignore him.
‘I think the no go is probably the girlfriend, to be honest.’ I snap haughtily and feel him follow me as I cross the room. Trying my hardest to just block him out and focus on packing.
‘You know this isn’t like that. I am trying to be fair while I figure this out. I am trying to just put the stuff you need first, and hoping by the time you start school I will know what the fuck to do. I love both of you Sophie, so how am I supposed to choose? The outcome is the same… One of you gets hurt by me no matter what I do, and that kills me.’ Arrick bangs into the back of me as I stop, suddenly aware he has been following me around as I pick up items in my room. He muffles an ouch and steps back as I turn on him. It hadn’t hurt, more just an awkward collision and I shake it off. Getting in his face angrily.
‘Well here’s a plan! How about? If you still don’t know by the time I find an apartment, you can kiss me goodbye; cos I’m not having you fuck with my heart right up until I start school. How about that? Huh?’ I shove him out of the way, putting all my strength in it, satisfied when it does shift him back as I march to my wardrobe for one last time, yanking open a concealed drawer that holds old trinkets and childhood memories, I wanted to keep here. I pull out an old photo of the two of us from Emma’s wedding, years before, and throw it at him.
The Carrero Heart - Beginning: Arrick and Sophie. (The Carrero Series Book 4) Page 30