26
Chloë held Jess’s hand as she led her into the classroom. Jess was shaking. Her legs felt like jelly. Mrs Fingleton had heard she was out of hospital and had invited her to come into school for a couple of hours, if she felt well enough.
Jess hadn’t really wanted to go. She knew everyone would be staring at her and that it would feel weird. But then again, she did want to go because she wanted to feel normal again and going to school was what she would normally be doing.
When she’d tried on her uniform the night before, the skirt had literally slid to the floor and her shirt was like a tent. ‘Try it on with this belt,’ Mum had said.
But even with the belt, the skirt looked ridiculous. Her mother had turned around, pretending to look for socks, but Jess knew she was upset. Seeing herself in her uniform, with no hair and so skinny, was frightening. It was a punch in the face. The reality of what she had been through physically was plain to see. She was a different person now. The old Jess, who had filled out the uniform and sat in school with her thick hair in a ponytail, was gone.
‘Just wear what you want, pet. Mrs Fingleton will understand. I’ll text her tonight to explain,’ her mother said.
Jess was relieved. At least now she could wear something that fitted her and she could hide her skinny arms under the cool sweatshirt that Chloë’s mum had bought her.
Her mum had even let Jess put on a little bit of make-up. Just some foundation and some lip-gloss, but it had made her feel better. She knew she was as pale as a ghost and she didn’t want everyone feeling sorry for her. She wore the black beanie hat with the diamanté and a pair of silver hoop earrings that her dad had bought her. She hated being bald, but the hat and the earrings were a distraction. She looked as good as she could under the circumstances. She did the breathing Mum had taught her from her mindfulness course and tried to calm her fluttering nerves.
She fiddled with the mask her mother wanted her to wear. She had promised to wear it to protect herself from germs but there was no way she was walking into that classroom with it over her mouth.
Chloë chatted away beside her. ‘… and Denise is, like, pretending she’s your best friend ever. She keeps saying how much she misses you and how she’s on WhatsApp to you all the time. Like, hello? I’m your best friend and Denise is just, like, a drama queen, attention-seeker. It makes me sick. Judy just sits there and agrees with everything she says. That girl has no personality, honestly. She’s like Denise’s lapdog. It’s pathetic.’ Chloë bounced along the corridor, pulling Jess with her.
Jess loved being with Chloë, who always cheered her up, but today she found her exhausting. She was so full of energy, life and chat that after the ten minutes they’d been together Jess wanted to lie down and sleep. She was wishing for the quiet of her house, sitting with Mum and just talking quietly or reading or watching movies together. She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to have to make small-talk with the girls in her class. She wanted to turn around and run.
She let go of Chloë’s hand. ‘Chloë, I can’t … I just …’
Chloë grabbed her shoulders. ‘Hey, I get it. You’re worried it’s going to be way too full-on with everyone crowding you and asking you about the cancer. Don’t worry, Mrs Fingleton told everyone to leave you alone and just be normal.’ Chloë snorted. ‘Like any of them could be normal! Anyway, I’m your bodyguard today and I’ll tell anyone who’s annoying to piss off. I can be a bitch and they’ll still be nice to me because of Dad being loaded. They all want to swim in my pool and play tennis and stuff.’
Jess grinned. ‘Thanks.’
‘By the way, how’s Larry? Still “just friends”.’
Jess smiled. ‘Yes, Chloë, we are just friends. He’s okay. He’s had a tough few weeks, but he sounded stronger yesterday. I’ll see him in three days when I go back in for chemo.’
Chloë stopped outside the classroom. ‘I’d say he’s a super-hottie with hair. It’s such a pain that you have to go back to hospital. I wish the stupid cancer would just disappear. I really miss you, Jess.’
‘Me too,’ Jess said.
‘Are you ready?’
Jess nodded. With Chloë by her side, she’d be fine.
Jess saw her mum standing in the car park, waiting anxiously to see how she’d got on. She ran over and hugged her.
‘Was it awful?’ Kate asked.
‘No … Well, kind of … It was just weird. I felt like an outsider.’
Jess had felt like an alien. Everyone had been very nice and welcoming, but no one had known what to say to her so she’d had to do all the chatting. Trying to be ‘normal’ was exhausting. She’d even cracked a joke about cancer that Larry had sent her the night before. He’d said it would break the ice if things were awkward.
‘Doctor, Doctor, my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in?’
‘Yes, here’s a paper bag!’
When Larry had told her the joke, they had laughed for five minutes. Jess had laughed so much her stomach ached. But when she told it in class, everyone was embarrassed. Well, everyone except Chloë, who laughed loudly, but it was a fake friend-helping-a-friend-out laugh, which was almost worse. Jess had wanted the floor to open up and swallow her. Then Freda had asked her how long it would take for her hair to grow back.
Chloë had stood between Jess and Freda, and hissed, ‘It’ll take as long as it takes, and when it does grow back it’ll be beautiful, not like your fuzzy mop.’
When Laura asked her if chemo was really awful, Chloë had once again jumped in: ‘What the hell kind of question is that? Of course it’s awful. She’s being pumped full of chemicals that make her puke all the time.’
Thankfully, it had been time to go after that. Jess had never been so grateful to get out of school.
Her mother hugged her. ‘Come on, let’s get you home. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for you to go in. I’m sorry, pet. I thought it would be nice for you to see your pals and catch up for an hour this morning.’
Jess didn’t want her to feel bad. ‘It’s fine, Mum. I’m sure after a few days it’ll feel okay, but I’ll need to get my energy back up before I go back to school.’
Her mother patted her arm and started the car. ‘Of course you will. Please God, this next round of chemo will be the last and we can build you back up. Now, what do you fancy for your lunch?’
Jess just wanted to lie down and rest for a bit. She felt wiped out from the effort of being upbeat and chatting to everyone. But she knew if she said she didn’t want to eat, her mum would worry. ‘Can I have some crackers and maybe some ice cream?’
‘I could make you a roast-chicken roll?’
‘No, thanks, Mum. I’m not super-hungry.’
Her mother looked disappointed. ‘Okay, crackers it is.’
When they got home, Jess sank gratefully into the chair and picked at some crackers. Her mum went to help serve lunch in the café. Granddad popped his head into the kitchen to see how she was.
‘I’m okay, just a bit tired.’
‘Not surprised, all those girls pecking about, asking you hundreds of questions, no doubt. You look worn out. Have a lie-down and rest. I’ve made your favourite shepherd’s pie for dinner. We’ll have it about six when Luke gets back from training.’ George opened the fridge and pulled out some whipped cream. As he was heading back into the café, he said, ‘By the way, has he said anything to you about being dropped or not playing well? He’s in a fierce mood these last few days and he’s not eating much, which means something must be wrong.’
Luke hadn’t said anything to her but Granddad was right: he had been in a really bad mood. He had barely spoken to her, and when she’d gone in to say goodnight to him yesterday, he’d almost jumped out of his skin. She could see writing on his notepad. There were two columns and the title of one said ‘Keep it’. She didn’t see the other because Luke had slammed it face-down.
Jess had no idea what it meant, but she thought maybe he was fi
ghting with Piper because she hadn’t been around. ‘Maybe he’s having problems with Piper,’ Jess said.
‘That’s what it is.’ George waved a finger at her. ‘You’re a little genius. It makes sense – he’s off his food and moping about. God, I hope she doesn’t break up with him. He needs to be in good form and focused for the big game on Saturday. Besides, she’s a nice girl, and I’d be sorry to see her go.’
A piece of cracker stuck in Jess’s throat. She drank some water. She’d hate Luke and Piper to break up. ‘Please, God, don’t let them,’ she prayed.
There was a knock on the back door. Granddad went to open it. Her dad was standing outside. ‘Hi, I was passing and I thought I’d pop in to see Jess.’
Although Jess longed to go to bed she was glad to see him – she hadn’t seen him all week.
‘Come on in,’ Granddad said, letting him past. ‘I’ll leave you to it. I’ve a big crowd in for lunch. Help yourself to tea, coffee and whatever,’ he said, as he left the room.
Dad gave Jess a big hug, then went to put the kettle on and make himself a coffee. ‘How are you, Jessie?’
She shrugged. ‘Okay. A bit tired.’
He peered at her closely. ‘You look it. You must be doing too much. You need to rest, Jess. It’s not good for you to overdo it.’
‘I’m not, Dad.’ Jess didn’t want to get into another argument with him about overdoing it. He was obsessed with her resting. If he had his way, she’d be in bed all day long and never allowed to move. He was just being protective, but it was still annoying. She needed to have a life. She was twelve! She was supposed to be running around having fun, not stuck inside, bald, with cancer.
‘Were you out this morning?’ he asked.
Her mother came in to say hello as Jess was finishing telling him about the school visit.
He glared at her. ‘What the hell is she doing, going into a school full of germs and infections? For Christ’s sake, Kate, she could have caught anything. Her bloody immune system is shot! What were you thinking? First horse-riding and now this! She needs to be kept indoors with minimal visitors. A good mother would know that.’
Jess winced as her mother thumped her hand on the kitchen table.
‘A good mother? How dare you accuse me of not being a good mother? Don’t waltz in here and start throwing your weight around. Jess went to school for one hour. It’s important that she sees her pals and gets out a bit. She’s been cooped up for weeks.’
He wasn’t backing down. ‘If she gets an infection it’ll set her back again, and I’ll blame you entirely.’
Jess’s stomach twisted.
Her mother laughed bitterly. ‘Well, no surprise there. You’re like a child – you always blame everyone else.’
‘I want Jess to be kept away from any risk of infection.’
‘She wore a bloody mask! She’ll be fine!’
Jess felt in her pocket. The mask was still there. She’d taken it off before she’d gone into school. She looked enough of a freak without it. She’d lied and told her mum she’d worn it. Now she started panicking. What if she did get another infection? Dad would blame Mum and it would actually be Jess’s fault. What if she died because she was too vain to wear the mask? And what if Dad never spoke to Mum again because of her? She felt sick.
Calm down, breathe, she told herself desperately. She wouldn’t get an infection. No one had been sick. No one had come close enough to infect her with anything. The only person she’d touched in school was Chloë. Everyone else had just huddled around, close but not close enough to come into contact with her. She’d hugged Denise, but it had been a fake hug and their faces hadn’t touched. In fact, they were probably all scared of being infected with her cancer, rather than the other way round. I’ll be fine, she told herself, and her stomach unclenched.
‘… I’m with her every day. I know what she can handle.’ Mum had her hands on her hips and her cheeks were red.
‘Well, she looks wrecked,’ Dad snapped.
Jess had had enough. ‘I’m going to lie down.’
Dad pointed a finger at Mum. ‘See? I told you she was tired.’
Jess spun around, eyes blazing. ‘Yes, I am tired. I’m tired of you two fighting all the time. Just stop it. I’m sick of it.’ She ran out of the kitchen, slamming the door behind her.
Jess was tucked up in bed reading The Hunger Games for the zillionth time. She wished she was strong like Katniss, not weak and sick. She loved the books: they took her away from the real world of cancer and hospital and needles, drugs, doctors and nurses and off into the world of Panem, fighting and alliances, love, danger and victory. It was all so exciting and urgent, so different from her boring life stuck in bed.
There was a gentle knock on the door.
‘Come in,’ Jess said.
Her mum and dad came in and stood at the end of her bed, looking guilty.
‘We’re sorry, pet,’ Mum said, clearly upset.
‘Yes, we didn’t mean to argue in front of you,’ Dad agreed.
‘We’re just worried about you and it’s not fair to you to have to listen to us bickering about silly things. We just want the best for you, darling. We love you so much.’ Mum came over and kissed Jess’s forehead.
Dad sat down and held her hand. ‘Sorry, Jess, I’m probably being overprotective, I just don’t want anything to go wrong. We need to do everything we can to help you get better. I do think that, from now on, you need to stay away from crowded places, though. If you want to see your friends, they can come and visit one by one. Or maybe you can just leave seeing them until you’re better. FaceTime them instead. Going to school wasn’t the best idea.’
‘Nick …’
‘I’m just saying.’
‘You said it already.’
He ignored her. ‘I just think that for the –’
Jess held up her hands. The last thing she needed was a lecture from Dad. ‘Okay, I get it.’
His mouth was set in an obstinate line. ‘We all want the same thing,’ he said. ‘That’s what’s important. Even if your mother and I have different ideas about how to achieve it.’
Jess saw her mother’s whole body stiffen as she didn’t say all the things she so plainly wanted to yell at him. He was staring straight at Jess, not giving her mother a glance. The tension between them was unbearable.
‘Everyone just wants you to be well again,’ Mum said tightly. ‘We’re all on the same page.’
Dad nodded curtly. ‘You will get better,’ he said emphatically. ‘It’s non-negotiable. I won’t let it be other–’
Jess cut across him. ‘I said I get it, Dad. Now can I please be left alone to rest?’
They went out of the room, and Jess heard the harsh whispers of them arguing the whole way down the stairs.
She went back to her book to block out them and all the dark thoughts in her head.
Bobby’s Diary
The Christmas play was a disaster. Mrs Lorgan is foorious with me and Tommy but not with Declan, wich is unfair as he was the kause of it.
Mummy and Luke and Jess and Granddad came to see it. Daddy was supposed to come but he didn’t until it was nearly over and then he just sawed the fight.
Declan came out and asked me if I had a room. But he got stuk on a word he didn’t get stuk on the day before at all. He said it perfektly. But maybe he got stage scared or something but he got stuk. He said r … r … r … r … and there was silence and I could feel all the parents staring at him and he was getting all red in the face and sweting and he looked all stresed so I saided, ‘Sorry no room here.’
Then the donkey Tommy shouted, ‘Mrs Lorgan said not to say his lines for him, you’re a thick’ and I got really cross so I told him to shut up and mind his own bizness that I was just trying to help.
Mrs Lorgan was hissing like a snake from the side of the stage to ‘move on with the play’. So I stared at Declan and waited for him to say his next line but he just said, ‘I hate you Bobby’ and he didn’t stu
ter one bit even though B is one of his bad letters. Then Tommy pushed me.
I saw Luke standing up like he was going to protect me so I did what he would do and I pushed Tommy back but he was wearing these clumpy shoes that were supposed to look like a donkey’s hooves but they just looked really dum like they were his dad’s shoes and so he wobbled and then fell over.
Mrs Lorgan shouted at me to ‘behave and get on with the play’. So I went over to help Tommy to get up and he put out his hand like he wanted help and then he pulled me down and started wresling me.
Declan was shouting, ‘Kill him Tommy, kill him’ and he didn’t stuter and K is one of his REALLY bad letters so it just shows you that aktualy he isn’t such a bad stuterer when he wants to be.
Tommy punched me in my stomak wich hurts all the time since Jess got sick and I was nearly crying but I saw Dad standing at the back of the room staring up and I saided to myself to be strong.
Tommy’s brother with the Down Sindrum was jumping up and down in front of the stage saying ‘Go Tommy, go.’ He doesn’t seem sick at all, just a bit mad and obvioosly into fighting. Tommy’s whole family are agro.
It all happened in about one second and then Mrs Lorgan came onto the stage and pulled Tommy off me and dragged us both off the stage. It didn’t actually matter cos our parts were over anyway. Mrs Lorgan blamed me for starting the hole thing cos I stole Declan’s lines and so as usual I’m the bad guy.
But when it was over and we did our bows and everyone claped, Daddy and Mummy and Luke and Granddad and Jess came over to me and said well done. Luke said I was great and that Mrs Lorgan should have given me the best part cos I could act and the others were all ‘losers’.
I told them I was in big trouble with Mrs Lorgan. Daddy saided that it was a ‘farse giving a kid with a stuter the lead role’ which I agreed with. But unfortunately Declan’s Mummy was standing behind Daddy and hearded him say it and she got all angry and said that her son was a ‘brave solider who was dealing with a disability with kourage’.
The Good Mother Page 20