Maggie sat down again opposite Bobby. ‘I know this sucks. No kid should have a sister who is dying. I’m really sorry this is happening to you, Bobby, and you know that Mum and Dad and Granddad and I would do anything to stop it, but we can’t. I know you’re sad and angry and it’s important that you get the anger out. Otherwise it’ll make your stomach hurt and your chest too.’
‘Could I get cancer?’ Bobby’s eyes were wide.
‘No, God, no.’ Maggie went over to hug him. ‘Nothing like that. It’s just that worry and sadness and anger can make your stomach ache.’
Bobby twisted Maggie’s long silver chain around in his little fingers. ‘My stomach hurts all the time.’
Kate felt sick. Her poor little boy. He was hurting so much. She walked into the kitchen, picked him up and hugged him tight. ‘I’m sorry, Bobby. I’m sorry about your stomach. I’m sorry about everything. You’re such a great boy.’
Bobby hugged her back fiercely. ‘It’s okay, Mummy. I didn’t tell you cos I didn’t want you to have any more worries.’
Kate cried into his hair. ‘I’m your mum. You should tell me when anything hurts. I wish none of this was happening. I hate that you’re sad. I love you, and I’m sorry I’ve been so distracted with everything and haven’t had more time for you.’
Bobby stroked her hair. ‘It’s all right, Mummy. When Jess is gone you’ll have more time.’ He jerked backwards, his hand flew up to his mouth. ‘I didn’t mean it like that, I swear. I didn’t mean it.’
Kate hugged him closer. ‘I know, angel, I know.’
For the first time since Jess’s diagnosis, the long months of worry and the awful final news, Bobby cried. His little body let out all of his pain. He shook and quivered as he wept huge tears, crying with his whole body.
Maggie couldn’t hold back her own any longer. She hid her face in her hands, shoulders sagging.
Kate held tight to Bobby and said over and over, ‘Let it out, let it all out. I’m here for you. I’m here for you.’
Maggie silently left the room. Kate saw her punch the dough as she passed it.
38
Jess looked at the dandelion card. ‘Wherever you are, Larry, I’m coming too,’ she whispered. She felt awful, really awful. The chemo had been horrendous and then the infection … It had been terrifying. She’d thought she was going to choke to death on her own blood. She wasn’t going to die like that, no way. It wasn’t how she was going to leave this world. Thank God the antibiotics had cleared up the infection. At least that was some small mercy. She was hoping to go home in a few days.
Nick had just left her room, striding out in frustration. She knew he was upset with her, but she couldn’t give him what he wanted. He was insisting she tried some new treatment, but Dr Kennedy said she was too weak for it.
‘Come on, Jess, what harm can it do to give it a go?’ he’d wheedled. ‘This is a chance, a real chance. We’ve got to take it.’
Jess shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, Dad, I can’t.’
‘Why not?’ he said impatiently. ‘You’re stronger than you think, I know it.’
She shook her head again. ‘Not any more. I can’t do it. I feel so sick, Dad. I don’t want any more drugs or pain. I can’t. I just want to go home.’
Nick raked his fingers through his hair. ‘Jessie, please, for me,’ he implored. ‘I can’t be without you. What they’re saying … we have to try.’
He was so intense, and she knew it came from love, which was what hurt most of all.
‘Daddy, I need you to start letting me go,’ she said quietly, looking directly into his eyes.
Nick’s head was shaking, but no sound was coming from his open mouth. Jess reached over and put her hand on his, willing him to understand.
‘No.’ His voice trembled. ‘No, Jess. I will never, ever let you go. Do you hear me? Never.’
Jess remembered Larry saying he wanted his parents to hate him, to make it easier on them when he died. She had told him it wouldn’t work that way, and it wouldn’t work for her and her parents either. But she could feel death upon her and she had to try to make them understand that it was coming, and they couldn’t stop it.
‘Dad, you have to start letting me go. I love you, and I know it’s really hard for you,’ her voice caught in her throat, ‘but I’m not going to get better and I want to go home. I don’t want to die in here. I need you to hear me, Dad, and I need you to help me.’ She watched his face carefully. ‘And if the pain gets unbearable maybe you could help it stop. When it gets too much for me, maybe someone could make it all go away.’
Nick stood up with a jolt, as if a bolt of electricity had shot through him. He was staring at her in horror, blinking rapidly. ‘Jesus Christ, Jess, what are you saying? If you think …’
She knew he understood, and she also knew that he was incapable of helping. She should have known he’d react like that. Her strong, fight-to-the-end father would not help her.
‘I’ll never give up on you,’ he said roughly. ‘Never. I’m going to keep fighting until we fix this.’
Jess sank back tiredly onto her pillow. ‘Okay, Dad.’
After that, there had been nothing to say. Nick gazed at her reproachfully, as if he thought she was quitting on him and life. But he had no idea how awful it was. It wasn’t his fault. No one could imagine this physical hell unless they were in it. In the end, to put them both out of their misery, Jess had told him she wanted to sleep. He’d held her tight and told her to keep strong and then, thankfully, he’d left her alone.
Silent tears seeped out of Jess’s tightly shut eyes. She had tried. She had given it everything, but the cancer was too strong. She didn’t have anything left in her. Her dad didn’t understand, no one did. It was so hard, so painful, so awful. There had to be an end to it, one way or another, because she couldn’t carry on like this.
Jess loved her dad, but he was wearing her out. His constant talk of miracles made her want to scream. She was only twelve, but even she knew there were no miracles. If there were, Larry wouldn’t have died.
The truth was, Jess wasn’t afraid of death. She was sick of feeling ill. She watched as everyone around her suffered too, everyone she loved and wanted to protect. Her cancer was ruining their lives, too. They all looked older and sadder, exhausted and heartbroken. Cancer hadn’t just destroyed Jess’s life, it had destroyed theirs, too, and that was as hard to bear as her own suffering.
Everyone was worn out. Cancer had controlled her life for long enough, and Jess knew what she had to do. She was going to take control. She lay back in her bed and stared at the ceiling. ‘I’m going to do this my way, Cancer, you bastard, not yours.’
It was Sunday afternoon and Jess was woken by the sense of someone moving around her room. She slowly opened her eyes, and as she blinked, Piper and Chloë came into focus, smiling down at her.
‘Hi,’ she said, trying to sit up but her arms were too weak.
Chloë and Piper instinctively bent to help her.
‘What are you guys doing here?’
Chloë and Piper smiled at each other. ‘We’re breaking you out.’
‘What?’
‘Look!’ Chloë opened the door and pulled in a wheelchair.
Piper smiled at Jess’s surprised face. ‘I know the doctors said you couldn’t go to Luke’s final because you’re still on IV antibiotics, but we spoke to Dr Kennedy this morning and we told him we’d look after you and bring the IV drip and put you in a wheelchair and make sure your mask was on to prevent infection and wrap you up warmly and keep you away from the crowds and all that … so he said yes!’ Piper beamed at her.
‘Piper was, like, OMG, amazing. She would not take no for an answer.’ Chloë danced around the room.
‘You were pretty great too. Chloë said she wasn’t leaving until he said yes.’
Jess’s heart jumped. ‘Seriously? I can go?’ She wanted to punch the air. She had been crushed when they said she couldn’t go to Luke’s match. It was hi
s big day, his big final. She wanted to be there so badly. Her dad had said he’d come and watch it with her on the TV in her room, but she really wanted to see it live, and now she was going to.
‘I love you, guys! I’ll never forget this.’
‘Stop!’ Chloë exclaimed. ‘I’m not crying – it took me ages to do my eye make-up.’
Nathalie strode through the door, carrying blankets, followed by Aideen, who had a mask for Jess. Aideen took Jess’s temperature, then her blood pressure and checked her thoroughly before she let the others take her away. ‘You have a wonderful time, pet. You deserve it. I’ll be cheering Luke’s team on from here. See you later.’ She kissed Jess’s head. Turning to the three girls, she said sternly, ‘You’re to mind her carefully, all right, and if it’s too much or she shows any signs of deteriorating, you bring her straight back here. Is that clear?’
They nodded solemnly. Aideen winked at Jess and left them to get her ready.
They helped her to get dressed. Chloë did her eye make-up, and Piper tucked the blankets around her. Then Nathalie produced Luke’s school hat and scarf. ‘Luke said you ’ad to wear these for the good luck.’ She gently placed the hat on Jess’s head and wrapped the scarf around her neck.
‘He thinks you’re watching the match in here with your dad. He’s going to be so happy when he sees you,’ Piper said. She adjusted the hat and fixed the blankets one last time. ‘Now you’re perfect.’
‘Fab,’ Chloë agreed.
‘Not too bad,’ Nathalie said.
Jess was impatient to go. ‘Get me out of here,’ she said.
They wheeled her out of the hospital, and Jess’s heart soared as she got out into the fresh air. Her mum usually took her out for a few minutes every day, but lately Jess hadn’t had the energy. Now she felt wiped out from the effort of getting dressed and ready for the match, but elated from excitement too.
Granddad was waiting for them in his car. He jumped out when he saw them. Bowing, he said, ‘Your carriage awaits, m’lady,’ and kissed Jess’s cheek.
They lifted her into the front seat and put the wheelchair in the boot.
‘Does Mum know I’m coming?’ Jess asked.
‘It’s a surprise for her and Luke,’ Piper said.
Granddad drove slowly, taking great care not to hit any potholes or bumps in the road. Eventually Chloë leant forward. ‘I don’t mean to be rude, George, but you need to step on it or we’ll be late.’
‘Yes, George, why are you driving like the old man?’ Nathalie asked.
‘Possibly because I am an old man,’ Granddad reminded her. ‘I’m driving carefully so Jess won’t get jostled about.’
Jess patted his arm. ‘You can go a bit faster.’
He nodded and put his foot on the accelerator. They arrived with five minutes to go before the starting whistle.
As they wheeled Jess into the grounds, she could see the teams warming up. Luke was passing a ball to Rocco. He looked so strong and handsome that Jess wanted to stand up and shout, ‘That’s my brother.’
Chloë ran ahead to where Jess’s mother and Bobby were standing beside the pitch. Bobby was swinging on the bar that ran around it. Chloë tapped Kate on the shoulder. ‘Turn around, we have a surprise.’
She turned to look. ‘Oh, my God … How?’ Kate squeaked. ‘She shouldn’t be …’
‘It’s fine.’ Piper was straight over to reassure her. ‘We squared it with Dr Kennedy and Aideen checked her just before we left. They said it’s okay. We just didn’t want her to miss it.’
Mum threw her arms around Piper, then Chloë, Nathalie and Granddad. Finally she crouched down and hugged Jess. ‘Do you feel all right?’
Jess nodded. ‘Yes. The adrenalin will keep me going. I’m so happy to be here, Mum. Please don’t worry, let’s just enjoy it.’
Her mother kissed her. ‘I’m so glad you’re here.’
Bobby shouted to Luke, ‘Look, Luke! Look who’s here!’
Luke turned, and when he saw Jess, his whole face lit up. He ran over. ‘Jess? I can’t believe it.’
‘I came. Piper and Chloë and Nathalie busted me out.’
Luke looked at Piper, and Jess saw the love in his eyes. ‘We couldn’t let her miss it.’ Piper grinned at him.
‘We have to win now, for you, Jess.’ Luke began to choke up.
‘Off with you,’ Granddad said. ‘You need to focus on the game.’
Luke ran onto the pitch, but turned back one last time and gave Jess the thumbs-up. She did the same back.
‘Hello, gang.’ They turned to see Maggie walking towards them, with Hazel.
‘You made it.’ Kate hugged her friend.
‘I almost didn’t. Couldn’t get a taxi at the airport for love or money – the queue was a mile long, all the bloody tourists over for St Patrick’s weekend, but Hazel here saved the day. She came out to the airport and picked me up.’
Hazel looked at Jess. ‘You’re a bit cold, darling. Put this over you and you’ll be toasty.’ Hazel took off her fur coat and wrapped it around Jess.
It felt soft and warm. Jess smiled up at her. ‘Thank you, Hazel, but won’t you be cold?’
‘Don’t you worry about me, I’ll be fine.’
Nathalie gave Hazel her hat, Chloë gave her her scarf, Piper gave her her gloves and Granddad offered her his jacket.
‘Stop, I’m fine,’ Hazel said, shivering.
‘I insist.’ Granddad wrapped it around her.
‘You’re a gentleman, George, thank you.’
Nathalie pointed to a man in the stand behind them. ‘It’s Liam.’
They looked round. Jess peered to see him. Luke had told her about Liam: he’d said he was a hairy yoke and he didn’t think there was anything going on with Kate, they were just pals, but this man wasn’t hairy: he was clean-shaven and had a nice, kind face.
‘Don’t you think he looks so much more ’andsome now without the beard?’ Nathalie said to Kate.
She nodded awkwardly.
‘So that’s Liam,’ Maggie said, grinning. ‘Not the older hairy hobo you described, but a very attractive man.’
‘Who’s Liam?’ Hazel asked.
‘A friend of Kate’s,’ Granddad said.
‘ ’E is a lovely man. I like this one,’ Nathalie said.
‘A good friend?’ Hazel winked at Kate.
‘A friend,’ she said firmly.
Nathalie waved up at him. Liam spotted them and waved enthusiastically back.
Jess noticed her mum flushing and smiling, which made her smile too.
Chloë nudged her friend. ‘She likes him.’
‘I had no idea he was coming,’ Kate muttered to Maggie.
‘He isn’t here for Luke,’ Maggie drawled.
Nathalie indicated for Liam to come down. He shook his head. Then, to Kate, he mouthed, ‘Good luck.’
Jess watched her mum smiling again, then Jess waved at Liam. He waved back, beaming at her.
‘Who are we waving at?’ Nick asked, as he joined them, rubbing his hands together against the cold.
‘No one,’ Kate said quickly.
‘A friend of Kate’s,’ Maggie said, just as quickly.
‘Do I know him?’ Nick peered up into the stand.
‘No,’ Kate said firmly, giving Maggie a warning look. ‘Now, come on, let’s watch the match.’
Jess tugged her mum’s coat. Kate bent down. ‘He looks nice, Mum.’
‘He’s a friend, Jess.’
‘I know, but he looks like a nice one.’
‘He is,’ she agreed. ‘Now, enough about that.’
Nick came over and hugged Jess. ‘You look good, Jess. I was thrilled when Piper texted me to tell me she’d broken you out for the game. Are you feeling stronger?’
Jess looked into her father’s hopeful eyes and decided to lie, just for today. ‘A bit, Dad, yes.’
‘Brilliant,’ Nick said. ‘That’s my girl.’
The whistle blew and the match started. It was very clo
se. The teams were well matched. Just before half-time, Luke missed a tackle and the other team scored to go ahead by five points. Luke’s head hung down as the coach gave them their team talk.
They couldn’t hear what he was saying, but Jess saw him pointing his finger at Luke, and it didn’t look like he was praising him.
‘Poor Luke.’ Piper was upset. ‘He’ll never forgive himself if they lose because of that try.’
‘He’ll come back fighting,’ George comforted her.
‘Of course he will, he’s brilliant,’ Maggie said, putting a protective arm around Piper.
‘Luke’s the best,’ Bobby said.
Jess stared up at a passing cloud. ‘Larry, if you’re up there, help Luke play well,’ she prayed.
Beside Jess, Kate was jumping from one foot to the other. Nick went over to her. ‘Hey, calm down, you’ll have a heart attack. Luke will come through, mark my words. Our son is tough. He’ll bounce back.’
‘I just couldn’t bear it if they lost and he felt it was his fault,’ she said.
‘Stay calm. This is Iron Will Luke we’re talking about,’ he told her.
She smiled at the use of their old nickname for him. Nick had christened him that when he was about three years old – a solid lump of toddler determination, climbing on every stick of furniture and never heeding any warnings. She’d almost forgotten it – Iron Will Luke. She nodded. ‘You’re right,’ she said. ‘He’ll come back out and kick up murder.’
Nick had indeed been right: Luke came out in the second half and tackled everyone and every ball. He was like a man possessed.
‘I think the rugby is so violent. I prefer the tennis.’ Nathalie sighed as they watched Lorcan being smashed to the ground by the opposition. ‘All this running and pushing each other down in the mud is ridiculous.’
George shook his head. ‘It’s a very skilful game, Nathalie. One that your lot are actually pretty good at.’
‘Pfff! What is skilful about ’olding another boy’s legs so he fall over? Or ’ugging in a big group and trying to push the other team back? It make no sense.’
‘The scrum is an integral part of the game.’ George slapped his forehead.
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