For Jess, it was a relief, but it was bittersweet at the same time. She wanted to go, and she didn’t want to go. If she could live, she’d grab life with both hands and live for all she was worth. But she had accepted that death was now a fact, and she knew in her bones that this was the best way to handle it.
She asked Aideen to let Dr Kennedy know that she had made her decision, and after morning rounds, he came to see her.
‘How are we this morning, Jess?’
‘I’m good, thanks.’
‘So you’ve discussed things with your parents and thought things over?’
Jess nodded. ‘I don’t want any more treatment. I can’t take any more. I’d like to go home now and let whatever happens happen.’
Dr Kennedy nodded sadly at her. ‘For what it’s worth, I think you’re right.’ He smiled. ‘You’ve got a very wise head on those young shoulders.’
‘It’s for the best all round,’ Jess said.
‘Jess … I’m so very sorry.’ The poor man looked like he might cry, which was very unlike him. It made Jess feel a bit uncomfortable. ‘I wish the treatment had been more successful.’
She felt for him. It must be awful to do a job where you had to watch people die all the time. Timidly, she reached out and touched his hand. ‘Thank you for trying so hard,’ she said. ‘It’s no one’s fault. I’ve accepted that this is just the fate I’ve been dealt.’
He bent his head for a moment, then raised it again and smiled. ‘That’s the way it seems to work, unfortunately.’ He stood up. ‘I’ll talk to Aideen and your parents, and we’ll sort out palliative care for you at home. They’ll make sure you’re comfortable and pain-free at all times.’
‘That’s perfect. Thank you so much.’
Dr Kennedy left, and she lay back, staring up at the ceiling. Jess smiled. She was so happy to be going home. Her heart lifted at the thought that she’d be leaving this hospital never to return. Jess knew she’d made the right decision. It felt so right, and she loved her mother so much for helping her.
‘Hello, beautiful.’ Dad walked in, carrying a tall sunflower in a vase. ‘Something to cheer up the room,’ he said.
‘Wow, that’s gorgeous,’ Jess said. ‘It’s huge. Aideen’s going to kill you for bringing that in.’
Nick looked guiltily at her. ‘Oh, crap, are flowers not allowed?’
Jess took a fit of laughing. ‘You’re actually scared of Aideen, aren’t you?’ she wheezed.
Nick grinned. ‘Yes, and man enough to admit it too.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll tell her you’ll take it home with you. You can share it with Jenny and Jaden.’
‘Thanks,’ Nick said, smiling. ‘Was that Dr Kennedy I saw rushing down the corridor?’
Jess’s heart sank at the sight of his hopeful face. ‘Yes, it was. We were just confirming things.’
Nick sat down quickly on the edge of her bed. ‘And what did you confirm?’ he asked eagerly.
‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ Jess said. ‘I know you want me to do it but I’m not doing the treatment. I’m going home.’
He stared at her for a long minute, then turned away. He bent over and Jess watched in shock as her father’s body heaved with sobs. She had no idea what to do. She’d expected him to shout at her or punch the wall, but not this, not crumble in front of her. She reached out and patted his back gently, feeling awful that she had done this to him.
Nick cried and cried, shaking with grief. After some minutes the tears began to subside.
‘I think you’re wrong,’ he said, when he could speak again. ‘You’re giving up too soon. We’re fighters not quitters.’
‘I’m sorry, Dad, but I just can’t do it any more. I’m ready to go home. It’s over, Dad.’
‘Please, Jess.’ His face was wretched. ‘Just one more try.’
Jess wanted to scream at him to stop harassing her, but she held it together. She shook her head. ‘No, Dad. I’m done.’
He began to cry again. ‘I don’t want you to die,’ he sobbed.
She put her arm around him. ‘Dad, I know that. And I don’t want to die either. But we can’t change what’s inside me. The cancer is in there. At some point, we have to accept that.’
He looked up sharply at her and rubbed his eyes hard. ‘And if your mother was standing here pleading with you to keep trying, would you say no to her?’
Jess was taken aback. ‘I would say to her exactly what I’m saying to you,’ she said.
‘No. Kate has the power to make you change your mind. I know she does. If she’d just bloody well listen to me, I know she could persuade you.’
‘No, Dad, she couldn’t. No one can change my mind. Mum respects my decision. She’d love to change my mind, but she accepts she can’t. She listens to me.’
Nick turned his body so that he was looking directly at her. His eyes narrowed as he watched her carefully. ‘Your mother had better not be letting you make any foolish decisions, Jess. I want you here as long as possible. Every second with you counts. Do you understand? Every single second. Is precious.’ He began to cry again.
Jess felt worried now. Her dad would go mad if he found out what Mum had agreed to do. What if he made trouble for her afterwards? What if he told Dr Kennedy? Or the police? She hadn’t thought about that. She’d been so focused on persuading Mum to help her die that she hadn’t thought about Dad causing trouble if he found out or even suspected. They’d have to be really careful. Jess’s heart was beating wildly as her mind raced through the possibilities of her father’s grief destroying everything. She breathed deeply and willed herself to be calm.
Nick held her gaze. She felt as if he was looking through her and could see all.
She muttered, ‘Yes, Dad, of course, I know that,’ and then, mercifully, his phone beeped. He cursed.
‘Sorry, Jessie, but I have to go to work.’ He looked at her again. ‘Promise me you won’t do anything silly? I want you for as long as I can have you.’ His voice cracked as he leant down to kiss her cheek.
Jess swallowed. ‘Okay, Dad, I love you,’ she said, afraid to say anything else for fear of implicating herself or her mother.
He nodded – exhausted, and his day had barely begun. ‘Take care. I’ll pop in after work, okay?’
‘Bye, Dad.’
Jess breathed a sigh of relief when he left. She went over their conversation in her mind again and again. She was worried now. She’d been so caught up in controlling her end that she hadn’t given a thought to what might come afterwards. She had to make sure that Dad wouldn’t cause any trouble for Mum.
When Aideen came on shift that afternoon, Jess asked her for a pen and paper.
44
Piper handed Luke half a cupcake.
‘Should we be eating these before she arrives?’ Luke asked.
‘Your baby is starving and there are about five thousand more, so I think it’s all right,’ Piper said.
They watched Chloë and Bobby putting out the plates and napkins. Maggie was placing mountains of presents around the space where Jess would be sitting.
George and Nathalie were polishing glasses and cutlery. Hazel was shouting down the phone at someone. ‘If you don’t get here in the next thirty minutes, I’ll come and burn your fucking place down.’
‘Mum!’ Chloë hissed.
Hazel’s face was flushed. ‘I apologize for my language. Sorry, Bobby. I’m just a bit stressed.’
Maggie handed her a glass of wine. ‘Get that down your neck.’
Hazel smiled at her. ‘Thanks, Maggie, you’re a star.’
‘That woman needs to calm down,’ George grumbled to Luke. ‘Turning my café into a party shop. I can’t see a bloody thing with all these balloons.’
Luke and Piper grinned. When Hazel had offered to help decorate, they hadn’t known she was going to hire a professional event organizer. The café was crammed full of balloon decorations, towers of cupcakes, three huge birthday cakes, a chocolate fountain surrounded by vast plates o
f marshmallows and strawberries. There was a tent in the corner full of dress-up clothes and Hazel had even ordered a photo booth for everyone to get their photo taken with Jess.
‘Hazel’s great, but everything is kind of super-sized,’ Luke said quietly.
‘I know, but it’s kind of fabulous, too. Jess will love it,’ Piper said.
Maggie came over and sat beside them. ‘How are you feeling, Piper?’
‘Good, thanks,’ Piper said honestly. After the bleed, she’d rested for a few days and had really felt the benefit. Things with her father were great again, too, and she felt happier than she had in months.
‘Doesn’t she look gorgeous?’ Luke said, and kissed her.
‘Get a room … Oh, no, you already did.’ Maggie grinned. They all laughed.
‘Are you managing to study?’ Maggie asked Luke. ‘I know it must be so difficult right now with Jess being so unwell, but try to do some work – it’ll help distract you.’
Luke stared at the floor. ‘I know. It’s hard, though, Maggie. She’s so … so …’
Maggie’s eyes welled. ‘I know.’
‘Before, I could believe she’d get better, but now she looks as if she’s dying.’ He wiped tears from his eyes.
Piper held his hand.
‘I wish I could think of something comforting to say, but it’s just so unfair. I wish there was something I could do, but I feel so useless. I’m a fixer, and I can’t fix this.’
Piper leant over to hug Maggie. ‘You’ve helped in so many ways. You’ve been amazing to me, Luke, Kate and everyone.’
‘You’re a rock, Maggie,’ Luke agreed. ‘A total rock.’
‘Ah, stop, my make-up will be ruined. I’m glad Jess is coming home. It’ll do her the world of good.’
‘Yeah, it’ll be really nice having her here with us,’ Luke agreed. ‘Dr Kennedy says we’ll take it day by day, but he won’t bring her back into hospital unless he has to.’
Bobby ran into the room. ‘She’s coming!’
Everyone got up and rushed to the front door. An ambulance was parked at the kerb, its back lowered to accommodate Jess’s wheelchair. She was fixed up to a morphine drip and had a blanket tucked around her legs. The palliative-care nurse was by her side, supervising the transfer.
‘Looks like some people are happy to see you, Jess,’ she said, smiling at the little crowd gathered to greet them.
Chloë ran over and hugged her. ‘You look gorge, Jess. Wait until you see the café! It’s amazeballs.’
‘I can’t wait.’ Jess grinned.
‘Mum went totally over the top, but in a good way this time,’ Chloë gushed.
Nick walked down and took charge of pushing the wheelchair. He was trying to smile, but it couldn’t reach his eyes. Kate knew that while he was happy to see Jess at home, he was still cut up about her decision not to take further treatment. He looked as emptied out as she felt. It was as if he was dying, too, alongside Jess. But, still, he fixed his face into some form of a smile as he wheeled Jess up the path and into the house.
When she reached the kitchen, Kate grabbed her in a tight hug. ‘Now close your eyes, darling,’ she said, nodding at Nick to wheel Jess through the door and into the café.
Nick stopped just inside the door. ‘Okay. You can open them,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God, it’s amazing!’ Jess cried, clapping her hands together with delight. ‘I can’t believe it.’
‘It’s all for you, darling. Happy nearly birthday,’ Kate said.
‘When is your birthday?’ Nathalie asked.
‘Second of July,’ Jess said, ‘but why wait when you can have an amazing birthday right now?’
‘Amen to that,’ Hazel said.
Piper went over to give Jess a kiss. ‘Happy almost birthday.’
‘Thanks! I’m so happy.’
She looked it, Piper thought. For the first time in ages, her cheeks were flushed with colour and her eyes were bright and shiny. She genuinely looked happy. ‘You deserve it, Jess.’
‘Can I feel the baby?’ she asked.
‘Of course.’ Piper took Jess’s hand, placed it on her stomach and pushed a little. The baby kicked back.
‘Ooooooh! I love when it does that!’
‘Me too.’ Luke grinned. ‘I reckon there’s a future football star in there.’
‘I hope it’s a boy like you, Luke,’ Jess said.
‘I hope it’s a girl like you,’ Luke replied.
‘Hey, what about me?’ Piper laughed.
‘A mixture of Jess and you would be perfection,’ Luke said.
‘Okay, I’ll take that.’ Piper winked at Jess.
They sat down at the table. Piper tucked in, feeling ravenous. She hoped that she wouldn’t end up being a whale, but right now she needed food. The baby was obviously having a growth spurt. To hell with Penny and Poppy and their fat-pregnant-women stories! Piper bit into her cupcake with relish.
Hazel, Chloë and Maggie were wonderful, keeping the conversation light and fun, making sure there were no silences for sadness to creep in. By sheer force of will, they pushed the grief out of the room for a few blissful hours.
When Piper got up to go to the toilet for the zillionth time, she heard a noise coming from the kitchen and peered around the door. George was sitting in a chair with his back to her, weeping into a tea-towel. Nathalie was standing behind him, hugging his neck. ‘Let it out, George. You must let it out.’
‘Why her? Why not me? That beautiful little girl had her whole life ahead of her. I’ve had my life and it was a good one. Why is this happening to her? I can barely look at Kate, she’s so broken. It’s just not right.’
‘Kate is full of sadness, yes, but she is a strong woman. She will be okay. She ’as you and Luke and Bobby and her Maggie. And she ’as Liam now also. ’E is very kind.’
‘No parent should see a child die. It’s not right.’
Nathalie patted him on the back. ‘George, life is not always ’appy. There is a lot of tragedy as well. But you ’ave to accept it or it will kill you. Look at Jess today, just focus on that. She is ’appy. Go and be with ’er. You can do this, George, you are a wonderful father and grandfather. They are lucky to ’ave you. Now, take the deep breath and you go back and be with Jess.’
George turned around and hugged her. ‘Thank you for coming into our lives when we needed you, for being mad but in a good way, and for being a bloody decent human being.’
He walked out, and Piper saw Nathalie bury her face in the already tear-stained tea-towel.
When she got back to the table, Chloë was in the photo booth with Jess, the wheelchair squeezed in sideways. She was dressing Jess up in funny hats and glasses and feather boas and they were making goofy faces and being young and carefree. It was so lovely to see Jess having fun.
Chloë waited for the photos to print. She whooped when she saw them and showed them to Jess, laughing loudly. ‘I have to show them to Piper,’ she said, rushing over to her. ‘Look, Piper, aren’t they hilarious?’ she said, as tears streamed down her cheeks. ‘Don’t let Jess see me cry,’ she whispered.
‘They’re brilliant,’ Piper said. ‘Come and show them to Luke.’ She brought Chloë to the other side of the room, where she shielded her from view while Chloë mopped her face.
‘She looks so sick – she’s like a little alien. Oh, Piper, she’s my best friend. What am I going to do without her?’
‘I know, sweetie, it’s unbearable. But always remember you’ve been the best friend she could have wished for. You really have been brilliant, Chloë. You always cheer her up. Every time, no matter what.’
Chloë fought back more tears. ‘That’s my goal when I see her. I have to make her laugh as much as I can, and then I don’t feel so bad. Mum said the most important thing I can do is cheer her up. I’m trying, Piper, I really am.’
Piper leant in and whispered, ‘You’re doing an amazing job, Chloë. Really amazing.’
Chloë plastered a smile on her f
ace. ‘Come on, Jess,’ she called. ‘One more funny one. Let’s do the wigs now.’
Nick came over to her. Piper froze – he made her nervous. He seemed so on edge all the time.
‘So, how’s the pregnancy going?’
‘Okay, thanks.’
He smiled. ‘Better than Jenny’s, I’d say. She moaned the whole way through.’
‘Well, some women get very sick. I’ve felt fine, really, just tired.’
Nick nodded. ‘Kate was like you – she just got on with it. So, I hear Maggie’s offered you her place?’
‘Yes, she’s been so generous. I hope we can pay her back some day.’
Nick fiddled with his watch. ‘I wish I could have helped more. I’m just stretched so thin, supporting two families.’
‘Oh, gosh, no, it’s fine, honestly. We wouldn’t expect anything.’
Nick turned to watch Luke, who was showing Bobby how to do a press-up. ‘Luke will be a great dad.’
Piper smiled. ‘Yes, he will.’
‘A lot better than I ever was.’
Piper didn’t know what to say. She remained silent.
‘Maybe I’ll turn out to be a great granddad,’ Nick went on. ‘Who knows? Stranger things have happened.’
‘I’m sure you will,’ Piper said, trying to be polite.
‘You’re a nice girl, Piper. I really hope it works out for you both. Look after Luke – he pretends he’s so strong and resilient, but he needs you. And he will continue to need you.’
‘I will, I promise.’
Nick left her and went over to Jess and Chloë. He let them dress him up in ridiculous outfits and smiled for the photos.
Luke came over. ‘What was Dad saying?’
‘Just how great I am.’ She grinned at him.
‘Seriously?’
‘Yes! No need to sound so surprised.’
Luke kissed her. ‘You know I’m your number-one fan.’
The Good Mother Page 32