Kate had cried harder then. If only he knew, she’d thought. If only he knew what I plan to do with these tablets. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad mother. I’m a murderer.
Her mind kept flip-flopping crazily from ‘This is right, it will be okay’ to ‘I’m killing my own child. I’m a child-killer. I’m immoral and unnatural.’ She wanted to honour Jess’s final wish, but felt like it might kill her too. She could never be the same after this act, an act of which she’d never have thought herself capable – until her daughter had looked her in the eye and begged her.
Luke was saying goodnight to Jess, not knowing he was saying goodbye. Kate leant her forehead against the cool glass of the bathroom mirror. Give me strength, Mum, she pleaded. Help me.
She stared down at the tablets spread out before her. Jess trusted her. She was waiting. She would be devastated if Kate changed her mind now.
Kate mixed the effervescent Tylex tablets in a glass of apple juice and scooped up the little Xanax tablets in her hand. She went in to Jess. Her eyes were closed. Whiskey, the cat, was tucked under her chin. She looked so peaceful and so young. Kate put the glass and the tablets on the bedside table, then lay beside her daughter and held her one last time.
A montage of memories floated through her mind: Jess’s birth, her first day at school, swimming lessons, roller-skating with her bright pink helmet, smiling with no front teeth, shouting up the chimney on Christmas morning, ‘I love you, Santa’, laughing hysterically when Nick tickled her, hugging Whiskey in bed at night, smiling, happy, alive … so alive.
Kate lay holding her broken, emaciated, bald daughter, the one cancer had ravaged, and she remembered the good times, allowed herself to travel back there and take solace. She thanked God for giving her this incredible child, who had lit up her life every day for twelve years and 306 days.
Jess was a gift, a precious gift, and Kate knew she was lucky to have had her. Jess had been the light of all their lives. Imagining a future without her was unbearable, unthinkable, yet here she was about to help her end it.
Love, Kate realized, was very complicated. She loved Jess so much that she was willing to help her die. True love meant putting your feelings aside. True love meant helping your loved one die with dignity. True love meant sacrificing your wishes for theirs. It hurt like hell, but it was love nonetheless.
Jess stirred and groaned. She opened her eyes. ‘What time is it?’ she asked.
‘Almost one.’
‘I know this is hard for you, Mum, but thank you.’
‘I’m only going to ask you once more. Are you sure?’
Jess nodded. ‘More sure than I’ve ever been. The pain is getting unbearable. Yesterday was amazing, though. I saw everyone I love. It’s the perfect time to go.’
Kate pushed the tears down. There were things she needed to say. She didn’t want to waste the time crying. ‘I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. I can’t believe that Dad and I made someone so perfect.’
Jess smiled. ‘I’m proud to be your daughter. You’re amazing, Mum. Through thick and thin, you’ve always been there for us.’
‘You three kids are my life.’ Kate couldn’t help it, she began to cry.
Jess wiped the tears away with the palm of her hand. ‘Don’t cry, Mum. I’m happy to go now and, besides, Luke’s baby will make it three again.’
‘No one will ever replace you. I love you so much, Jess. From the very first moment they put you in my arms, such a tiny thing, I felt a surge of pure love. It’s never gone away. I adore you. Every last little bit of you. You’re such an amazing person.’
‘I know you love me, Mum. You’re going to be okay – you have so many people who love you and will be there for you. You’re the best mother in the world. I love you. And I’m so sorry it has to be like this. I’m sorry that we have to say goodbye this way.’
Kate pulled her daughter’s fragile body even closer, breathing in her scent, resting her lips against her cheek. ‘Me too. You should have had a better life,’ she whispered. ‘But you must know that every second of the last almost thirteen years has been a privilege and a joy.’ Kate pushed up on her elbow to look into her daughter’s eyes. ‘I will miss you every single day of my life.’
Jess nodded, tears starting to fall down her cheeks. ‘I’m sorry I have to go,’ she whispered back.
Kate pressed her forehead against Jess’s. Around them, the house was silent with sleep. It was dark and warm in there, just the two of them.
‘If I can I’ll try to send you a sign. I told you before, remember?’
‘Yes,’ Kate said. ‘Send me a sign so I know you’re okay.’
‘I’ll send a white butterfly. Larry always said I’d better not die in winter or you’d be waiting a long time to see one.’
‘Say hi to Larry for me, and to your granny. She’ll be there to look after you,’ Kate croaked.
‘I will. Can you open the curtains and the window?’ Jess asked.
Kate did so. It was still dark outside, but in a few hours light would begin to break its way through and another day would begin. Her first without Jess. Kate felt her resolve weaken, and fiercely ordered herself to be strong. All those wakings without Jess, one after another for the rest of her life, were going to be like little deaths every time she opened her eyes. She tried to push the thought away. Not now, she told herself.
From behind her Jess said gently, ‘I’m ready now, Mum.’
Kate turned and picked up the tablets. Jess opened her mouth. Kate’s hand was shaking. Sadness crashed through her, taking her breath away. ‘I can’t do it. I want more time with you,’ she sobbed.
Jess grabbed her arm, and put Kate’s hand up to her mouth. ‘Please, Mum, you have to let me go.’
Kate gulped back tears and looked at Jess’s determined little face, at the morphine drip, at her bald head, at her thin body. She wanted to be selfish, to hold on to Jess for every second she could, but that was what she wanted. It went against Jess’s own wishes. She was going to have to find the purest love inside her and hold on to it to enable herself to do this. She focused on Jess’s face, on Jess’s need, and dissolved her own wishes to nothing. She could do this. She could do it for Jess.
‘Sorry, sweetheart. It’s okay.’
She placed the tablets in Jess’s mouth and helped her swallow them with water. Then she handed her daughter the glass of apple juice containing the Tylex and Jess drank it straight down. No shaking hands, no hesitation.
Jess lay back on her pillow and sighed. Kate groaned and her legs went to jelly and she collapsed beside the bed, her knees sinking to the floor. ‘What have I done?’ she gasped. ‘Oh, Jesus, Jess, what have I done?’
Jess took Kate’s trembling hands in her small, bony ones. ‘Look at me, Mum,’ she ordered.
Kate raised her head and gazed into the beautiful brown eyes.
‘Thank you. Thank you for saving me from any more pain. Thank you for letting me die my way. I’m happy, Mum. I’m ready to go. This is what I want. I love you so much.’
Kate looked deep into her daughter’s eyes and knew she had done the right thing for Jess, but that didn’t take into account how she herself was feeling. It wasn’t simple for her. It was a crushing blow of emotions, all racing around her body making her feel panicked and grief-stricken. She had done the unthinkable – helped her own child to die.
She climbed into the bed, under the covers, and held Jess close. She stroked her cheek, her head, kissed her face over and over again. She told her how much she loved her, she told her how wonderful it felt to be her mother. Kate talked through life and on into death.
For four hours Kate held her precious girl and watched as her breathing got slower and slower. She breathed with her, she breathed for her. This is love, she thought. This is the ultimate act of love: letting someone go.
Never in her wildest dreams when she’d held that bonny, healthy baby girl for the first time almost thirteen years ago could she have imagined that she�
�d now be holding her as she took her last breath.
Kate keened and moaned, as she rocked Jess in her arms. The room steadily became brighter as the sun slipped above the horizon. Jess’s breathing was very shallow now, more like gasping. She was peaceful, though, not struggling. Then there came a shuddering gasp, and she was still. Kate bent her head and kissed Jess’s eyelids.
With the end of Jess’s breathing, which Kate had been straining to listen to for so many hours, came other sounds she hadn’t noticed before. The birds in the garden had taken up their chorus, which broke into her consciousness now. Morning song. Mourning song. They were singing the new day into being – Kate’s first day without her daughter. It was over. Jess was gone.
47
Kate woke up with a start. Luke was shaking her.
‘Wake up! Jess isn’t breathing. Jesus, Mum, I think she’s … I think …’ He began to cry.
Kate pulled her arms from around her daughter’s body. Jess lay still, her body still warm but her soul now far away. She wasn’t there any more. The enormity of what she’d done hit Kate and she doubled over in pain.
‘Is she dead, Mum? Is she?’ Luke cried.
Kate nodded.
‘Oh, God, nooooooo …’ Luke covered his face with his hands and wept. ‘Why, Mum? Why did it have to happen? I thought we had more time? Oh, God.’
Kate stroked Jess’s face. What had she done? She’d cut her life short. What mother does that? She heard Jess’s voice in her head: If you love me, you’ll do this. Well, she did love her. She loved her more than anything in the world and she wanted her back. She wanted one more day, one more hour. Oh, Jess … what have I done? Kate began to sob uncontrollably.
Luke came over and put his arms around her. They cried together, each broken-hearted over the loss of their beloved Jess.
George came in and froze when he saw them crying. ‘Oh, sweet Jesus,’ he murmured. He came over to the bed and looked down at Jess. ‘Oh, Jess, poor broken bird.’ He put his arm around Kate. ‘Come here, Katie, it’s okay. At least she’s at peace now. No more pain for the poor pet.’
He turned to hug Luke. ‘She won’t suffer any more, Luke. She was ready to go.’
Luke shook his head. ‘But I’m not ready, Granddad,’ he said, through his tears, and Kate’s heart broke.
George patted him on the back. ‘We’re never ready to let go of the ones we love. There is no right time to say goodbye.’
Kate felt her throat closing. Jess, my beautiful Jess. I want you back, I need you, I can’t believe I did this …
George bent down and forced Kate to look at him. ‘Breathe, Kate. Come on now, look at me. Breathe.’
Bobby stumbled in in his pyjamas. ‘What’s going on? Why is everyone crying? Is Jess sicker?’
Luke went over to his little brother. ‘Bobby, I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but … Jess died last night.’
Bobby frowned. ‘Died? How could she die? She was all happy yesterday and smiling and taking photos and … and alive. I think she’s just sleeping, Luke.’
Kate pulled herself together and gathered Bobby into her arms. ‘She is sleeping, Bobby, but she’s not going to wake up. She’s gone to Heaven now.’
Bobby wriggled away from her. ‘She is not in Heaven cos there is no Heaven,’ he shouted. ‘God is not real. If he was, he wouldn’t have made Jess get stinky cancer and he would never, ever have made her die.’ He kicked the bed violently. ‘Ouch!’ He began to cry.
The four of them stood around the bed, crying, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, George wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and said, ‘Kate, you have to tell Nick.’
Kate’s heart sank. She was dreading it.
‘I’ll do it, if you like,’ George offered.
‘No, it should be me. I’ll ring him now.’
Kate left the room and went down to the kitchen. She also had to phone Dr Willis and ask him to come over to sign the death certificate. There was no way Jess could have a post-mortem. If that happened, they’d find out what Kate had done.
Part of her would have welcomed being found out and sent to prison. She wanted to be punished for what she had done. She wanted to feel physical pain. She wanted someone to punch or hit her. She was a bad person, a bad mother. She had killed her baby. Oh, God …
Stop it, Mum. I wanted to die. Jess’s voice sounded in her ears.
Kate pinched her arm, hard. The pain brought her back to her senses. Her sons needed her. She couldn’t risk a post-mortem. She called Dr Willis.
‘I’m so very sorry, Kate,’ he said. ‘The poor child was very sick. At least she’s out of pain and at peace now. I’ll be right over.’
Kate thanked him. She’d call the palliative-care team a little later. She wanted Dr Willis to get there first. Taking a long, deep breath, she dialled Nick’s number. Her hands shook.
‘Hi.’ He sounded sleepy.
‘Nick, it’s Jess. She’s …’ Kate tried to get the word out ‘… she’s …’ She couldn’t say it. How could she tell him? She knew that his heart would split in two and it would be irrevocable.
‘What?’ Nick sounded alert now. ‘Is she in the hospital?’
‘No, she’s …’
‘Oh, shit, is it another infection?’
‘No, Nick. She’s – she’s dead,’ Kate blurted. ‘She passed away during the night.’
‘What?’ Nick shouted. ‘What did you say?’
Kate began to cry. She’d done it now, she’d told him. His life would never be the same again. None of their lives would ever be the same. It would always be ‘before this moment’ and ‘after this moment’. ‘Before Jess’ and ‘after Jess’. There was no way to fix this or go back and change the outcome. Jess was dead. Gone. Never, ever coming back. They’d never see her smile again, never hear her voice, hold her, kiss her, love her. Kate slid down onto the kitchen floor and sobbed.
‘Nooooooo, Kate, please. No, it can’t be … Oh, Jesus Christ, no.’ Nick broke down. Kate could hear Jenny beside him, asking him what was wrong.
‘I’m sorry,’ Kate said. ‘I’m so sorry.’ And then she hung up.
Dr Willis gently examined Jess’s body. He listened for heart sounds, then for breathing sounds in the lungs and then checked Jess’s pupils with a torch. Kate saw him give Jess’s hand a little squeeze and heard him mutter, ‘May you rest in peace, sweet girl.’
Turning to Kate, he said, ‘I’m so very sorry. She went quickly in the end.’
Kate looked away from him. ‘Yes, she did.’
‘She was in a lot of pain, and it was only going to get worse. It’s no comfort to you, but perhaps it was best that she went now and didn’t suffer any more.’
Kate was afraid to speak. She wanted to tell him. She wanted to confess what she had done. It was eating her up inside. ‘I killed her,’ she wanted to shout. ‘I’m an evil person. I cut my baby’s life short.’ She shook all over with guilt.
Dr Willis walked towards her, clearly concerned. ‘Do you have the Xanax I prescribed? You might need to take one, Kate. Will I get one for you? Where are they?’
‘No!’ Kate gasped. ‘No, I’m fine. I just need a minute.’ The empty packets were tightly wrapped up in a bag in the bathroom bin.
‘Well, sit down and put your head between your legs – it’ll help with your breathing.’ He guided her to the chair in the corner of the room.
As Kate concentrated on catching her breath, Nick crashed into the room. He ran to the bed and cried out his daughter’s name over and over. He kissed her face and her hands and stroked her cheek, sobbing wildly.
Dr Willis whispered, ‘I’ll pop downstairs and see your dad,’ then discreetly left the room.
Kate sat in the chair, silently watching Nick fall apart.
He turned to her, his eyes red and bloodshot. ‘How could she go so soon? How could she just die like that? I thought we had more time.’
Kate didn’t trust herself to speak.
‘Our little
girl. How can she be gone, Kate? How? It’s not right. It’s too soon.’
Kate felt her stomach twist.
‘I didn’t tell her I loved her.’
‘You did, Nick.’ Kate found her voice.
‘Not enough. I should have told her more.’
‘She knew you loved her.’
‘How did it happen? Were you here? Was she alone?’
‘I was with her. She just went to sleep and then she … Well, she … stopped breathing.’
‘What did you do? Did you try to bring her back? Did you do CPR? Was the nurse here?’
‘No, she’d gone home. I didn’t do CPR. I just … well, I just knew she was gone.’ Kate could feel herself blushing.
‘Did she say anything? What were her last words? Do you think she knew?’
How could Kate tell him that Jess’s last words were Thank you for saving me. I’m happy, Mum, I’m ready to go?
‘She was happy, Nick. She loved the party yesterday and saw everyone and I think she was just ready to go.’
Nick knelt beside the bed, caressing Jess’s arm. ‘That’s just it. She seemed so joyful yesterday. I said to Jenny on the way home, “I think maybe she’ll get her strength up and be able to do more chemo.” I honestly thought she might make it. I can’t believe this has happened … It’s all wrong. It’s such a shock. I mean, I know she was really sick but I just can’t take it in. Jess, my little girl …’ He buried his face in the duvet and sobbed.
Kate went over and laid her hand on his shoulder. She felt as if she was made of glass and could shatter at any moment.
Nick looked up at her wild-eyed. He grabbed her arms. It hurt. ‘Did you do something?’
She stared at him, unable to compose herself quickly enough. She shook her head. ‘No,’ she whispered. ‘I didn’t do anything.’
He stared hard at her, still gripping her arms. ‘Because if you did anything to cut her life short,’ he said quietly, ‘I would never, ever forgive you. I want my Jess back. I don’t want her to be gone. If you did anything at all, I promise you now, Kate, I’ll bring you down.’
The Good Mother Page 34