Kate was worried he’d drop dead from grief, overwork and exhaustion. It had been three weeks now and her father hadn’t sat down for a second. She knew he was going to crash at some point and she was relieved that he was finally showing his grief.
He looked old and weary, she thought. He had aged. They all had. Even Luke and Bobby had creases under their eyes from crying and lack of sleep. Kate had Bobby in her bed most nights. He’d come in to her holding Whiskey and telling her he couldn’t sleep. She liked having him beside her. Watching him sleep was soothing.
She was so glad Luke had Piper. She’d been a trouper. Calling in every day to make sure he was up, walking to school with him and studying with him in the evenings. Kate loved how affectionate Piper was with Luke, constantly holding his hand or rubbing his back or resting her head against his shoulder. She knew Luke was comforted by her presence.
Olivia sent over little gifts with Piper, not wishing to intrude but wanting Kate to know she was thinking of her. Piper had delivered soothing bath salts, scented candles and calming body lotions. Olivia had been quietly kind and supportive and Kate loved her for it.
Hazel rang every day to check in and left messages offering to pay for luxury holidays for Kate and the boys, spa days for Kate, a new car, prams and cots for Piper … Her generosity was endless.
‘I know you probably wish I’d stop calling, but I’ll keep leaving messages and suggestions. One day you might feel like going out and doing something. When you do, I’ll be outside, ready to pick you up and whisk you off wherever you want to go. We miss her terribly. Chloë is bereft. We’re thinking of you all.’
Kate liked Hazel’s daily messages. Sometimes they even made her smile.
Nathalie came into the kitchen. ‘Oh, sorry. I am interrupting,’ she said, looking at George’s tear-stained face.
He wiped his nose. ‘It’s fine. I’m fine. What do you need?’
‘I’m sorry to be a pain in the ear, but that woman, Rosemary, is in the café again with more casserole for you. She says she wants to make sure you are eating and she won’t leave until she sees that you are okay. She is very insistent. She like you, George.’
George threw his tissue into the bin. ‘For the love of Jesus, I’m going to have to get a restraining order. She’s stalking me. Right, Nathalie. You come with me – I need your protection.’ George walked ahead into the café, with Nathalie following behind, patting him on the back and telling him to be nice to the casserole lady.
Kate laid her head on the table. It felt too heavy for her body. Everything was wrong. The world was twisted and upside-down. The pain of Jess being gone was worse than she could ever have imagined. It was a visceral pain, like nothing she’d ever known. Even breathing was a struggle. Some days she was tempted to kill herself so she could be with Jess again. She wouldn’t do that to Luke and Bobby, though, she couldn’t hurt them, but if she hadn’t had them, she probably would have killed herself. Her yearning to be with Jess was so strong. To hold her one more time, to tell her she loved her once more, to feel her soft cheek against her own … It was a crippling pain.
Liam had been a lifeline. She called him at all times of the night and he was always there. Listening, understanding, being sympathetic. She went to the cliff with him almost daily to shout. He held her when the pain was too great and her legs buckled. She relied on him more each day. She honestly thought she would have gone mad or done something stupid without him there to hold her up and support her. He was such a good man.
The kitchen door opened and Maggie’s face appeared. ‘Hey, I was hoping I’d catch you.’ She came in wheeling a suitcase behind her.
‘Did you come straight from the airport?’ Kate asked.
‘Of course I did. I hated being away these last two weeks. As you know, I tried to cancel the stupid Asian trip.’
‘I’m glad I insisted you go. Was it worth it?’
‘We got the deal.’
‘That’s great, Maggie.’ Kate tried to be enthusiastic.
‘Thanks, but it means nothing in the scheme of things. Nothing really matters any more, does it?’
‘Not to me, no.’
Maggie bent down and hugged her. ‘How are you? I know it’s a stupid question.’
‘It’s unbearable.’ Kate was crying again.
Maggie sat down opposite her best friend and held her hand. Tears formed in her eyes. ‘I was only her godmother and I can barely function with the pain of it. I don’t know how you’re managing.’
‘I miss her so much,’ Kate sobbed. ‘I miss her smile, her voice, her laugh, her …’ The pain of a memory flooded her body. It was Jess giggling as Luke danced around the kitchen in his boxer shorts singing into a wooden spoon. She could hear Jess’s laugh, her wonderful laugh.
Maggie rubbed her back. ‘Breathe, Kate, breathe.’
Kate felt her heart rate slowing. ‘Jesus, Maggie, how do people do this? How do they go on? What am I going to do?’
‘Live, survive, struggle on. I’m here for you, and so are George and Liam and Hazel and the boys. You are surrounded by people who love you and want to support you. We’ll help you, Kate, I promise.’
Kate gave her friend a small smile. ‘Thanks, Maggie.’
Maggie got up and opened the fridge. ‘I need a drink.’ She pulled out a bottle of wine and poured two glasses.
Kate picked hers up and swirled the wine around. ‘I haven’t drunk since it happened,’ she said. ‘I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of never being able to stop. The idea of diving into the abyss of alcohol is very tempting.’
‘I can see why, but one glass won’t kill you.’ Maggie drank deeply from hers.
Kate took a sip. The wine rushed to her empty stomach. She noticed the effect almost immediately. Her head felt light and a bit woozy.
‘How are the boys?’ Maggie asked.
Kate sighed. ‘Bobby walks around like a headless chicken. He’s completely lost. He has nightmares most nights. He’s kicking the walls a lot and not saying much. I can see his little mind trying to make sense of it all.’
‘And Luke?’
‘Thankfully he has Piper, who is holding him up. She’s so loving and kind to him, it’s really beautiful to see. If it wasn’t for Piper and the baby, I think Luke would fall apart. He loved Jess so much – we all did.’ Kate was crying.
Maggie squeezed her hand and cried with her. ‘She was a very special girl.’
‘I can’t bear it, Maggie. I want her back. I just want her back,’ Kate sobbed.
‘I know you do. It’s just so cruel.’
Kate wiped her eyes with the soggy tissue her father had given her. ‘I go to the cliff to shout most days, but I’ve run out of expletives to yell at the universe.’
Maggie drained her wine. ‘Keep shouting. If it gets you out of the house and gives you even the tiniest bit of relief, do it.’
‘Liam brings me. He’s been so kind. He just gets it, you know. He doesn’t try to make me feel better or tell me Heaven needed another angel or any of that crap.’
Maggie smiled. ‘I’m very glad he’s there. He seems like a gem.’
‘He’s a good friend in a time of need, that’s for sure.’
‘I think he’s more than that,’ Maggie said gently.
Kate shrugged. ‘Maybe. I don’t know. I can’t think straight, but I do know that I want him in my life. I need him.’
Maggie poured herself a second glass of wine while Kate took another small sip of hers.
‘How’s Piper? She must be big now. It must be hard in school. Can you imagine being hugely pregnant and trying to study for your final school exams? Not easy.’
‘She’s great,’ Kate said, ‘and getting bigger by the day. But she’s studying hard and getting Luke to study too. It’s funny, I was so upset about the pregnancy but now it’s the only ray of light in the midst of all this horror.’
‘Hopefully it’ll bring you all some badly needed joy.’
Kate nodded. ‘We need i
t.’
‘How’s Nick?’ Maggie asked.
‘Not good.’
‘What was that all about the day he screamed at you?’ Maggie asked.
‘What?’ Kate pretended not to know what she was talking about.
Maggie raised an eyebrow. ‘Come on, Kate, the day he called you a lying bitch and was shaking a letter in your face. What was going on?’
Kate’s hands began to shake. ‘Nothing. He was just being Nick.’
Maggie reached out and put a hand on Kate’s arm. ‘Hey, Kate, it’s me. You can tell me anything. You know that.’
Kate felt her breath quickening. ‘I can’t, it’s too shocking. You’d hate me.’
Maggie frowned. ‘What could be so bad? Come on, Kate, talk to me. I’ll never judge you.’
Kate looked at her friend’s concerned face. It was Maggie, her dearest pal. Could she tell her the truth? Could she tell her that she’d murdered her own child? What if Maggie never forgave her, like Nick? Could she bear to lose another person in her life? No, she couldn’t, but the desire to admit what she had done was too strong.
Kate picked up her glass of wine, drank it down in two big gulps and spluttered, ‘I killed Jess.’
Maggie stared at her. ‘What?’
‘I gave her an overdose of drugs and I killed her.’
Maggie’s eyes were huge now. ‘Jesus Christ, Kate, why?’
Kate looked directly at her friend. It was a relief to say the words out loud. ‘Because she asked me to. She begged me to.’
Maggie’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Because of the pain?’
‘She couldn’t stand it. She wanted to go out her own way, with dignity. She was terrified of dying alone, choking on her own blood in the middle of the night when we were asleep. She was so weak and sick. She wanted to decide when to say goodbye.’
Tears streamed down Maggie’s face. ‘Oh, God … poor Jess. And poor you.’
‘Poor me? I’m a murderer, Maggie. I killed the person I loved most in the world. I cut her life short. I deprived her loved ones of a few last weeks with her. I’m a monster.’ Kate began to weep. ‘I wish I hadn’t done it. I want those weeks with her. I should never have agreed to it.’
Maggie grabbed her shoulders and shook her. ‘You are not a monster! You allowed your daughter to leave this world the way she wanted to. She’d been through so much, it’s no wonder she wanted it all to stop. The poor thing was shattered. You’re not a monster! You’re the bravest person I know.’
Kate was shocked. ‘Brave? I’m weak. I should have talked her out of it. I should have said no. She pleaded with me – she wanted it so badly. But it was still wrong.’
‘She asked you because she knew you were the only person who loved her enough to do it. She knew no one else could.’
Kate let the guilt and fear wash over her. She put her head on the table and wept.
‘You poor thing, carrying around the weight of all this on top of your grief. I don’t know how you’re still standing upright. But you mustn’t feel guilty. Jess was dying, and her last few weeks would have been awful. You did what she wanted. You granted her a last wish. I always thought it was amazing the way she died after that wonderful day we all spent here with her. When I left that night, I knew she was saying goodbye to me. I felt it. I remember going home and thinking, I’ll never see her again. But she was happy, Kate, she was almost glowing that day. You did the right thing.’
‘Nick doesn’t feel that way. He hates me, and he said he might go to the police.’
Maggie’s face went red. ‘What? The bastard. How dare he say that? How dare he threaten you?’
‘He has the right to be angry, Maggie. I didn’t tell him, although he was suspicious because he knew Jess couldn’t take any more. Jess wrote him a letter and told him it was her decision and he wasn’t to blame me, but he does. Oh, God, he does. He’s so angry he could do anything. What if he does go to the police? I could be in serious trouble.’
Maggie stood up and paced the kitchen floor. ‘Nick won’t go to the police because Jess begged you to do it, and he isn’t going to get you into trouble when you have his two sons to look after. Besides, if he was going to do it, he would have acted by now. Of course I understand that he’s angry, but he won’t do anything stupid. He’s not going to bring the police into it. He’s just lashing out at you.’
‘But what if he does?’
‘He won’t. Do you want me to talk to him?’
Kate shook her head. ‘He’ll go mad if he thinks I told anyone. I think it’s best to say nothing and hope he eventually understands why I did it, although I don’t think he ever will.’
Maggie sat down again and sighed. ‘I suppose you’d be pretty angry if he’d done it and not told you.’
Kate smiled sadly. ‘That’s the thing. I’d probably never forgive him if he’d done it.’
‘You didn’t do anything wrong, Kate. You just loved Jess, literally to death.’
‘“Loved her to death”. Now that’s a saying I never thought I’d truly understand.’
They smiled at each other and Maggie poured them both another drink.
‘To you, Kate, a good mother, a brilliant mother, who loved her daughter enough to let her go.’
Kate drank the wine. She didn’t feel like a good mother. She closed her eyes and pictured Jess’s face. Wherever you are, Jess, she thought, know that I miss you every minute of every day. Know that I struggle to get up in the morning because the grief of losing you is so strong. But I promise to keep trying. One foot in front of the other. I’ll keep going to the cliff with Liam and shouting. I’ll keep being a mum to Luke and Bobby. I’ll keep being a daughter to George and a friend to Maggie and Hazel. But, most of all, I’ll keep being your mum, always and for ever.
50
Piper rolled out of bed and waddled to the bathroom. It was still dark outside. She glanced at her watch. Five a.m. She caught her reflection in the bathroom mirror. God, I do look like a whale, she thought, and I still have five weeks to go. How can my stomach possibly get any bigger?
She shuffled back to her bed and lay down on her side with a pillow between her legs. Her mother had told her to put it there and it had really helped her to find a comfortable position to lie in. Mind you, Piper wasn’t getting much sleep, these days.
Since Jess had died she kept having nightmares that she was losing the baby. She’d wake up sweating and crying out. Pauline had been brilliant. She’d talk her through the dreams and calm her down. Piper was so glad she was sharing a bedroom with her elder sister. The thought of being on her own at the moment frightened her.
She was scared of everything now. She was worried the baby was going to die, that her parents were going to die, that Luke was going to dump her, that she was going to fail all of her exams, that she was going to end up alone, living in a bedsit, on welfare, with a screaming baby.
Pauline told her that the nightmares were caused by her mind being overloaded with stress and grief – that she was grieving the loss of Jess, full of baby hormones and also doing the most important exams of her life, so it was perfectly normal that she was freaking out. Pauline had helped her come up with a study plan and tested her every evening on what she’d been doing.
Piper was also really worried about Luke. He was so heartbroken about Jess, he could barely speak. She made sure he went to school and tried to study with him, but most of the time he was in a world of his own. She was worried he’d fail all of his exams and get even more depressed. He had to do well for the sake of his self-esteem and also for their future. They both needed to get into college, then get good jobs and support their baby.
Pauline said it didn’t matter if Luke failed his exams. He could always get a part-time job, study at night and repeat the exams next year. But Piper didn’t want that. She wanted him to go to college in September and have the life he’d always dreamed of. She didn’t want his life to be ruined. She was afraid he’d blame her and the baby, get depressed,
dump her and end up an alcoholic or a drug addict or something.
Pauline said it was the hormones making her crazy: she needed to calm down. Piper was trying really hard to do that, but she still worried all the time.
She gave up trying to sleep and went downstairs with her books to get a coffee and try to study. Her exams began next week and she was very nervous. She was praying the baby didn’t come early. She had three weeks of exams and then, after that, about ten days before her due date. She really didn’t want to go into labour during Maths Paper 1. It was bad enough being pregnant in school with everyone staring at her and talking about her, but to go into labour during an exam would be too awful.
Another thing to worry about, she thought wearily. She made herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. The door opened, which made her jump. It was Dad.
‘Sorry, pet. Did I give you a fright?’
‘Yes.’
‘Couldn’t sleep?’
Piper shook her head. ‘Nope. You?’
‘I heard you get up and I wanted to check on you.’
‘Sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to wake you.’
‘Ah, sure I like being up early.’
‘No, you don’t!’
He grinned. ‘Well, not usually, but these are not usual circumstances. How are you, pet? You look exhausted.’
‘I’m all right.’
‘Your mother and I are worried about you. It’s been a very hard time for you, and for Luke.’
Piper could feel a lump forming in her throat. Her father came over and kissed the top of her head. ‘You’re a great girl, Piper, and we’ll support you no matter what happens. I don’t want you to worry about anything.’
‘Thanks, Dad,’ she croaked.
‘How’s Luke doing?’
Piper wiped away a tear. ‘He’s not great. He’s just so sad. He adored Jess, and they had such a brilliant relationship. It’s just awful to see him so upset. He barely speaks these days and I’m trying to be supportive, I really am.’
The Good Mother Page 36