The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Nick sighed. ‘She was my little angel.’

  ‘She really was special, wasn’t she?’

  ‘Yes.’ Nick wiped away tears. ‘We did something right. We created an exceptional human being.’

  ‘We did. We really did.’ Kate reached out to touch his arm.

  Nick pulled back and stood up. ‘I’m going now. I think I might be able to sleep for the first time in weeks. I’ll text you about taking the boys out.’

  Kate got to her feet and they walked towards the door. As she turned to go to her car, she said, ‘I’m glad we talked, and I’m sorry.’

  He knew she was. He was sorry too. Sorry that life had thrown them this awful fate. But what did sorry change? What did anger change? Nothing. Jess was gone and she wasn’t coming back.

  Nick walked to his car and took out the letter. He read his favourite line: I love you so much and I’m so proud to be your daughter.

  Nick pressed the letter to his lips and kissed the words. ‘I love you too, Jess. I hope you know how much,’ he whispered into the silence.

  Summer

  * * *

  52

  The door of her bedroom burst open. Kate sat bolt upright. Luke was standing at the end of her bed holding his mobile phone, his mouth opening and closing but no words coming out.

  ‘Oh, my God!’ she exclaimed. ‘Is it the baby?’

  ‘Yes.’ Luke finally found his voice.

  Kate jumped up and pushed him into his bedroom. ‘Get dressed – come on, quickly. Where’s Piper?’

  ‘Her mum’s taking her to hospital right now.’

  Kate rushed back into her room and pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt.

  George came in, woken by the shouting. ‘Is it the baby?’ he asked sleepily.

  ‘Yes! Piper’s on her way to hospital. I’m going to bring Luke now.’

  ‘I’ll come with you,’ George said.

  ‘Me too.’ Bobby appeared in his pyjamas.

  ‘Okay. Hurry up and put some clothes on.’

  A little later George swung dangerously into the car park outside the maternity hospital, jerking to a halt at the front entrance doors. Kate and Luke jumped out.

  ‘Stay with Granddad while he parks,’ Kate ordered Bobby. She wanted to find out what was going on before they all descended on poor Piper.

  Luke ran ahead and Kate rushed to keep up with him. They were told which room Piper was in and took the lift up. Luke went to open the door, and Kate stood back.

  ‘Mum, I want you here. Come on.’ He pulled her in with him.

  Olivia was standing beside the midwife, her face drawn and tense. Piper was lying in bed in a hospital gown, looking frightened.

  Luke went straight over and bent down to gather her in a hug, kissing her face tenderly. ‘Are you okay, babe?’

  ‘I’m fine, but the baby’s coming, Luke. I’m already six centimetres dilated.’

  ‘Jesus, I can’t believe it’s actually happening.’ Luke’s breathing was ragged.

  ‘I’m scared,’ Piper said, in a small voice.

  ‘Don’t be. I’m here, babe.’

  Kate went over to stand beside Olivia. ‘Is everything okay?’ she asked quietly.

  ‘Yes. The baby’s heartbeat is strong and the labour is coming along well, and fast.’

  ‘Thank God,’ Kate said. She needed this to go well. They all needed the baby to come out healthy. After so much sorrow, the family needed some joy.

  Piper cried out in pain. Luke held her hand. The midwife told her to breathe.

  Kate felt they should be alone. She tapped Luke on the shoulder and said she’d wait just outside. He nodded. Olivia followed her out. George and Bobby were there, along with Seamus and all of Piper’s sisters.

  Kate had met them at Jess’s funeral, but it had been a blur. They reintroduced themselves, but she was sure she’d mix them up anyway – they were all so similar.

  ‘So why do you all have names that start with P?’ Bobby asked.

  ‘Because our parents are losers,’ Penny answered.

  Bobby grinned. ‘What name would you choose if you could? I’d be Dynamo.’

  ‘Cool name,’ Penny said. ‘I’d be Taylor.’

  ‘Like Taylor Swift?’ Bobby asked.

  ‘Kind of, but hotter obviously.’

  ‘Jesus, Penny, he’s seven, tone it down,’ Seamus barked.

  They heard Piper shouting. Kate saw Seamus wince. He was sweating profusely with stress.

  ‘Is she all right? Should you not go in and see?’ he asked Olivia.

  ‘She’s having a baby, Seamus. It hurts. I’d have thought you might remember that from the four labours I went through.’

  ‘Piper isn’t like you.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘She’s more petite.’

  ‘OMG, Dad! Do you have a death wish?’ Poppy gasped.

  ‘I was more petite before I had five kids,’ Olivia snapped.

  ‘What’s petite?’ Bobby asked.

  ‘It’s what every girl wants to be, skinny,’ Poppy told him.

  ‘I don’t like skinny. When Jess was sick she got all skinny and she looked terrible.’

  Kate felt everyone freeze at the mention of Jess’s name. It happened all the time. She wondered if they’d ever be able to say it outside the family without people being uncomfortable. It made her furious: she wanted to talk about Jess all the time, but people didn’t seem to know what to say when she did and usually tried to change the subject.

  Liam said it was because they were afraid to say the wrong thing or be insensitive, so they steered the subject away from Jess. Or maybe they were trying to distract Kate with other topics of conversation.

  As if Kate could be distracted from Jess. All she thought about all of her waking hours was Jess. Her face, her smile, her eyes, her … Just her. She watched old videos of her over and over again. She kissed photos of her, she smelt her clothes, she wore her lip-gloss – she ached to be close to her. A primal mother’s yearning.

  Inside the room, Piper let out a shriek, bringing Kate back to earth.

  ‘Mother of Divine Christ, will you ever go in and see what the hell is going on?’ Seamus nudged Olivia towards the room.

  ‘I will if my fat hips can make it through the door.’ Olivia shot him a look, then knocked quietly and went inside.

  ‘Seriously, Dad, after twenty-six years of marriage do you not know what not to say?’ Posy asked.

  ‘I never said she had fat hips.’

  ‘You implied it,’ Pauline said.

  ‘And that’s as bad,’ Poppy reminded him.

  Seamus waved a hand at them. ‘I’ll never understand women.’

  Bobby’s eyes widened. ‘How come? You’ve got so many of them living in your house, you should totally understand them.’

  ‘It’s not easy, Bobby,’ George defended Seamus. ‘Women are complicated.’

  ‘We’re not really,’ Penny disagreed. ‘All you have to do is tell us we’re fabulous and buy us presents and we’re happy.’

  ‘Shallow women, that is,’ Pauline said. To Bobby, she added, ‘On the other hand, there are women who like to be told they’re smart and interesting.’

  ‘OMG, Pauline! You are never getting married, unless he’s like one of those geeky professors with Asperger’s,’ Poppy said.

  ‘Can you please behave for once?’ Seamus asked wearily.

  Olivia came out, her face flushed. ‘Not long now. The baby’s coming.’

  They stood around the bed, all staring at the beautiful baby girl in Piper’s arms. Luke sat on the edge of the bed beside her, gazing adoringly at his daughter.

  The door burst open and Nick fell into the room, out of breath. ‘Is it … Did I … Is everything okay?’

  ‘It’s a girl,’ Luke said, holding up his baby.

  ‘That’s … well, wonderful.’ Nick gazed at the tiny creature, his eyes welling. ‘She’s beautiful.’

  ‘Yes, she is,’ Kate agr
eed.

  ‘Just like …’ Nick said, looking at Kate and she nodded. Yes, she was beautiful just like Jess had been.

  ‘Would you like to hold her?’ Piper asked Kate.

  Kate held out her hands and felt the little bundle in her arms. She snuggled the baby into her neck and inhaled the baby smell. She closed her eyes and remembered the same smell when Jess was born.

  Life and death. So close together, so far apart. To have lost her baby girl and have another born eight weeks later … It was heartbreak and a miracle in one.

  Kate gazed into her granddaughter’s eyes, blue like the sky. She was beautiful. A precious gift in a time of such sorrow. A blessing. Kate kissed her tiny nose and closed her eyes as the baby wrapped her little fingers around her grandmother’s thumb.

  ‘What are you going to call her?’ Bobby asked.

  Luke and Piper looked at each other. Luke cleared his throat. ‘Louise Jess Higgins.’

  Kate smiled. ‘Beautiful.’

  ‘Perfect,’ Nick said.

  ‘Lovely,’ Olivia agreed.

  ‘I’m glad it’s not another P name,’ Bobby said, and they all laughed.

  Luke came over to Kate. ‘I just texted Maggie – look.’

  Maggie’s text back read: Am now bawling in the middle of a meeting! Over the moon for you all. Will be in later today to see her and hold her.

  Kate smiled. ‘I’m glad you told her. She’s very much part of this.’

  Luke nodded. ‘She’s been great.’ Looking at his daughter, he asked sheepishly, ‘Can I have her back? I just want to hold her again.’

  ‘Of course.’ Kate handed him his little girl.

  Seamus asked for everyone’s attention. ‘I’d just like to make a little toast,’ he said. He had smuggled in a bottle of Champagne and some plastic cups. Now he poured them all a thimbleful to ‘wet the baby’s head’.

  ‘Mummy, look!’ Bobby shouted.

  ‘Not now, Bobby,’ Kate said. ‘Listen to Seamus.’

  ‘DON’T YOU DARE SAY, “NOT NOW, BOBBY,” TO ME!’ he roared.

  Everyone turned to look at him.

  ‘Bobby!’ Kate snapped. ‘What’s got into you?’

  He grabbed her arm. ‘Look! It’s Jess. She came to see the baby.’

  Kate’s head whipped around. Outside, on the windowsill, was a white butterfly. It paused, fluttered its wings then slowly flew away.

  Acknowledgements

  No matter how many novels you have under your belt, writing a book is never straightforward. One thing I’ve learnt is that a writer never has it ‘sussed’. You are never going to find it easy to write a novel. It’s not supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to challenge you and take you to places you haven’t been before. This novel certainly did that for me. I sincerely hope you, the reader, enjoyed it.

  Every book is a collaboration and there are always so many people to thank.

  I had to do a lot of research into AML (acute myeloid leukaemia) for this book and I was helped greatly by my uncle, Michael Moriarty, oncologist supreme. Any and all mistakes are entirely my own.

  A big thank-you to Paul Carroll for his help in researching the role of a GP. He was also a fount of information on medication and the GP’s involvement and function after the death of a child at home.

  Thanks to my godson, James Moriarty, for his insight into the world of rugby training.

  Rachel Pierce, my editor, has such great insight and ideas. Rachel is a huge asset to my writing life.

  Patricia Deevy, for always championing me and for her valuable input into all of my novels.

  Michael McLoughlin, Cliona Lewis, Patricia McVeigh, Brian Walker and all the team at Penguin Ireland for their continued support and help.

  To all in the Penguin UK office, especially Tom Weldon, Joanna Prior and the fantastic sales, marketing and creative teams.

  To my agent Marianne Gunn O’Connor, for being a rock of support and so very kind and thoughtful.

  To Vicki Satlow, for her support and tenacity on foreign rights.

  To Hazel Orme, for her wonderful copy-editing and for being such a positive force.

  To the wonderful people at the Tyrone Guthrie Centre at Annaghmakerrig, where I spent a magical five days finishing this novel.

  To my fellow writers, thank you for your support and encouragement. It is a solitary life and those coffees, emails and phone calls are lifelines.

  To Mum, who has had a very tough year: you are an amazing woman and have always been an inspiration to me.

  To Sue and Mike who are always there for me, through thick and thin. Thanks for your unwavering love and support and for always being on the end of a phone.

  To my amazing friends – your kindness, thoughtfulness and loyalty mean so much.

  To Hugo, Geordy and Amy – quite simply the loves of my life.

  And as always, the biggest thank-you goes to Troy, for being my rock in stormy waters.

  Finally, this book is dedicated to my dad, who died very suddenly last year. We miss him.

  THE BEGINNING

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  PENGUIN BOOKS

  UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia

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  Penguin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

  First published 2017

  Copyright © Sinéad Moriarty, 2017

  The moral rights of the author and translator have been asserted

  Cover image © Elisabeth Ansley/Trevillion Images

  ISBN: 978–0–241–97073–7