Photographs of Claudia

by KG MacGregor

  “Don’t rush on my account. I can always come back sometime

  after you get it ready. It’s just three hours up here. At least that’s

  what I keep telling myself.” She shook her head and mumbled,

  “Who knows? After last weekend, I might even be closer than

  that.”

  Until that confirming remark, Leo had wondered whether

  Claudia was still bothered about her weekend at home. “Want to

  talk about it?”

  “I’ve been thinking I might apply for that position at Melrose

  after all, especially now that Sandy’s job will be open too. If I go

  back to Cambria, my mother will pressure me to get married. I

  should never have told her what Mike said about wanting me to

  come to Taiwan.” She had slowed to barely a stroll, as though

  she wanted to make their walk last longer. “He was impossible. I

  swear if I had spent one more day with him, I would have given

  his ring back.”

  Leo’s heart leapt at the news, until she scolded herself for

  feeling good about something that was clearly upsetting for

  Claudia. Besides, breaking up with Mike didn’t make her any less

  straight. “I figured you would have used the time to work things

  out.”“I thought so too, but we barely saw each other. That was

  part of the problem.”

  They waited for traffic to clear on Lighthouse Avenue and

  hurried across to the wharf. The cold weather was keeping

  tourists inside, unusual for a Sunday afternoon.

  “First he asked me to take Friday off because he was getting

  in on Thursday night, so I did. I should have realized he wasn’t

  thinking about us when he told me not to book a room at the guest

  house. That’s where we usually stay when we want privacy.”

  Leo didn’t want to think about their privacy. From a

  purely selfish standpoint, she wanted to hear more about their

  problems.

  “So I picked him up at the airport and all he wanted to do

  was to go to his parents’ house and sack out. We barely got a half

  hour together before he went upstairs to bed and I went home

  by myself. Then he worked until seven o’clock on Friday night—

  which meant I could have been at school all day and still gotten

  down there in time to see him.” Claudia’s pace quickened as the

  ire peaked in her voice. “We didn’t even get a whole night alone.

  We got twenty minutes in his bedroom, going at it like teenagers

  while his mother talked on the phone. Pretty romantic, huh?”

  Her stomach clenched at the mental image of Claudia having

  heated sex with Mike.

  “I shouldn’t be bothering you with this. I feel like all I ever

  do is complain about him.”

  “You aren’t bothering me, Claudia. Friends listen to each

  other.” They reached the end of the marina’s public access and

  draped their arms over the rail. The sun had begun to disappear

  behind the bare masts of sailboats in the harbor. “But I don’t like

  hearing that you’re not happy.”

  “I was so mad at him by Sunday morning I wanted to scream,

  but before he left he asked me to sit down and talk.” Claudia

  wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “He really believes the

  answer to everything is for me to move to Taiwan and stay there

  until he finishes this job. He said we could either get married this

  spring or wait until we get back, whichever I want.”

  “And what do you want to do?”

  “I don’t want to just set my diploma on the shelf. I worked

  hard for it and now I want to use it.”

  “Did you explain that to him?”

  “I’ve told him before, but he promises it’ll only be a year. He

  even said if it took longer than that I could come back and go to

  work, and that we’d buy a house and he’d join me as soon as he

  finished. He says he loves me and he can’t stand being separated

  for so long.”

  Leo’s natural inclination was to offer a shoulder, but she

  didn’t want a repeat of two weeks ago when Claudia had bolted

  from her embrace.

  “I don’t want to move, but it’s more than that. Ever since

  we talked about it, I’ve been trying to imagine actually getting

  married…and I’m not so sure I want to do it anymore.”

  “You mean now? Or ever?”

  “I don’t know,” Claudia said, and buried her face in her hands.

  Her diamond ring glinted in the sun. “When we were at Sandy

  and Maria’s the other day…that’s what families ought to feel like.

  It felt so natural to be there with all those women. It made me ask

  myself if it was because I was…you know, gay.”

  Her heart hammered as she weighed the significance of what

  Claudia had said. “Are you saying you have doubts?”

  “I don’t know what the hell I’m saying.” Claudia shook her

  head, staring out onto the water as if too embarrassed to make

  eye contact. “Don’t take me seriously. It’s probably just one of

  those moments where the grass looks greener on the other side.

  You guys know how to relax and have fun, and of course that’s

  going to feel better than holding my hands in my lap while a

  servant in a white coat pours my soup.”

  Leo dug her fists into her jacket pockets and turned her face

  into the cool wind. With Claudia under such pressure, it was

  impossible to tell if she was genuinely having doubts about her

  sexuality, or just doubts about Mike. “Whatever you’re feeling,

  I’m here if you need to talk about it. And I don’t care what anyone

  else thinks you ought to do, I’m on your side.”

  “I appreciate that.” Claudia turned and signaled her readiness

  to head back to the studio. “Mike wants me to meet him in

  Honolulu the week after Christmas. Maybe we’ll get things

  sorted out once we get away from all the distractions.”

  Leo’s heart sank to hear Claudia back away from her words

  so fast. As far as she was concerned, it was Mike who was the real

  distraction.

  Chapter 19

  Leo arranged the photos on her bed, enormously satisfied

  with the array. She couldn’t have hired a better model than

  Claudia, whose angular face accentuated the shadows and light,

  the perfect display of contrast for the workshop judges. All she

  needed now was the application, and with it her final selection.

  These were gorgeous photos, possibly her best work ever.

  The simple ones evoked memories of their first session when

  they had barely known each other. As she played back their

  conversation that day, it dawned on her what had triggered the

  worried wrinkle in Claudia’s forehead. It was when Claudia had

  bemoaned the size of her engagement ring as ostentatious, saying

  it was more about Mike than her.

  The natural light photos also confirmed her displeasure with

  Mike, as those had been taken on the heels of his childish behavior

  over the phone. The second of those, the one taken through the

  nylon filter, still bore traces of the tears she had wiped away and

  Leo was glad to have them. Though it recalled Claudia’s sadness,

  it made for dr
amatic photography, exactly what she had meant

  when she described it as soul-stealing.

  Her favorite by far was the three-quarter body shot she had

  taken with the spotlight above. Claudia’s bare back stirred a wave

  of lust like she hadn’t felt in years. If that weren’t enough, the brief

  allusion to the lesbian grass being greener had set off a fantasy

  that ended that night in a self-pleasuring session in her bed,

  something she rarely did, and never with such a specific vision

  in her head. Her dream, in fact, went further than her sexual

  climax, with Claudia breaking her engagement and moving into

  her house in Monterey. Of course it was unrealistic, but wasn’t

  that what made it a fantasy?

  She was miserable to be facing their last day together. Her only

  solace, ironically, was that Maria and Sandy were moving away

  also, because it meant she would have a built-in excuse to show

  up in San Luis Obispo and keep their friendship alive—provided

  Claudia moved back to Cambria and not Taiwan. It wouldn’t be

  enough to ease her longing, though. Claudia’s plan to meet Mike

  in Hawaii was proof she wasn’t seriously considering breaking

  up. It was more likely they would work things out and solidify

  their wedding plans once and for all. Once Claudia married and

  started a family, the fantasy would be lost forever.

  One by one she slid the photos into plastic covers for

  preservation and display. Another set was already tucked inside a

  manila envelope awaiting her application to the workshop, and

  the negatives were wrapped safely in a cellophane sleeve and

  stored in the cedar chest at the foot of her bed. These photographs

  signaled a new phase in her life and career, the beginning of what

  she expected to be the intense pursuit of her professional dreams.

  It saddened her to think Claudia wouldn’t have copies, though

  she was glad there was no chance Mike would ever see them.

  She was bursting with pride to share the photos, but liked

  the idea of having Claudia come back for a visit once she had the

  whole package ready. Instead of the portfolio, she had chosen a

  simple gift to commemorate their friendship, and it was tucked

  inside the pocket of her bomber jacket.

  Claudia held the phone underneath her chin so she could

  pull on her boots.

  “…and Bill Hanover has a Ford Bronco. I’m sure he’d let me

  borrow it to bring your things back next weekend.”

  “It’s okay, Dad. I brought a lot of it home before Thanksgiving.

  I bet I can get the rest in my car. It’s mostly just some clothes

  and books.” She wasn’t emotionally ready to return to Cambria,

  but there was no way to justify staying longer. Her degree was

  finished and since her parents had declined her tepid invitation

  to attend the small commencement ceremony, she had decided

  to skip it too.

  “You deserve some time off. Think you’ll head over to

  Taiwan?”

  “I don’t know.” Actually she did know, but she wasn’t ready

  yet to have that debate. Up until recently, the plan had been for

  her to move back into her parents’ house and work while Mike

  finished up his job overseas. Now that Mike was pressuring her to

  join him, both mothers would probably join the chorus. “I have

  my application in at all the school districts in San Luis Obispo

  County. If I can get something to fill out the school year, I’d like

  to find an apartment.”

  “I know you’re not looking forward to coming back home

  after being on your own for so long. I can slip you some rent

  money if you want your own place.”

  “I appreciate it, Dad. Believe me, I’d take you up on it if I

  knew for sure I’d be going to work somewhere in the fall, but it

  doesn’t make sense to do that if it’s only for a few months. If you

  can stand having me around again, I can stand it too.”

  Having things up in the air with Mike made it impossible to

  plan, even for the short term. It would be so easy if she could just

  stay put in Monterey for the next year and a half and table all the

  marriage talk until Mike was ready to commit to coming back

  to the States for good. But she couldn’t bring herself to ask her

  father to subsidize something that might not pan out.

  “I promise I won’t make you support me until I’m thirty.”

  He laughed. “I’ll always support you, honey, no matter where

  you live.”

  “You always know the perfect thing to say.” It was almost

  verbatim what Leo had said a week earlier when they were

  walking on the wharf. At the thought of Leo, she checked the

  clock. “On that note, I need to run. I’m meeting a friend for

  lunch today. We’re supposed to be celebrating, but I guess we’ll

  be saying goodbye too, at least until I can get back up here for a

  visit.”

  “Make sure all your friends know they’re welcome here

  too.”She smiled to think of Leo meeting her mother, who would

  make her as a lesbian the second she walked through the door.

  That was another reason to get her own apartment, for privacy.

  She was sure to see Leo at Maria and Sandy’s new house, but that

  meant sharing her with everyone else and being alone together

  had become one of her favorite ways to pass the time.

  The December sky was brilliant blue, and in a moment of

  whimsy she popped the T-tops on her car and stowed them in the

  hatchback. “One last hurrah,” she said aloud, twisting a knitted

  scarf around her neck and tucking it into her blazer. With the

  heater on full blast, she set out for the familiar Victorian on Van

  Buren. Leo had mentioned another walk to the wharf again, but

  today’s weather was perfect for a coastal drive, and Claudia had

  just the place in mind for lunch—Nepenthe in Big Sur.

  She had ruminated all week over her comments to Leo

  about feeling at home with the women on Thanksgiving Day

  and alluding to the fact that she might actually be a lesbian. As

  soon as the words had left her lips, she had felt a small surge of

  panic. It was perfectly natural to prefer the relaxed company of

  friends to her stiff in-laws or neurotic mother, but the idea that

  she might actually be gay was absurd. Women didn’t interest her,

  at least not in general. It was only Leo, who just happened to

  be a woman. “The fact that I find Leo attractive does not make

  0

  me a lesbian,” she said, nodding to an imaginary therapist in the

  passenger seat.

  Whatever it made her, her relationship with Leo was unlike

  any she had ever known. She felt special to have broken down

  some of the boundaries Sandy had described, such as being one

  of the few people Leo welcomed into her home. Hearing Leo talk

  about her father, her dreams for the studio, and even a handful

  of snippets from what sounded like a disastrous first experience

  with love, gave her glimpses into a person probably no one else

  saw. Each time she had sensed Leo’s shyness, she had pressed to

  overcome it with probing questions
, reveling in the reward of

  seeing her open up. All of it had stoked her growing affection

  and interest.

  If Mike hadn’t been in the picture—she gulped at the

  admission—she almost certainly would have experimented with

  Leo, if only to find a way to express her feelings. There was no

  denying she was the whole package—kind, caring, independent…

  and alluring. Saying goodbye was out of the question today or

  any day. They had too much invested in one another to surrender

  their friendship just because they lived three hours away from

  each other. That was only a day trip on any Sunday for a walk

  down the wharf, or even a weekend if Leo didn’t mind the

  overnight company.

  She should have picked up a gift, something for Leo to

  remember her by. It was too late now. There were always the

  photos, but no matter what Leo said, those belonged as much to

  the workshop judges as they did to her. They would be studied

  and passed around, discussed by total strangers more interested

  in lights and angles than in her. Besides, once the application

  was finished, Leo might not even care about them. If Maria’s

  experience was any indication, Leo’s best work was ahead of her

  after the workshop and these photos would be only a reminder

  of her novice days.

  Leo reached across the table and poured the last of their

  wine split into Claudia’s glass. The afternoon so far had been

  idyllic, a mixture of laughing over shivering in the sports car and

  reminiscing about the fun they’d had over the past few weeks.

  Not far from the surface was a palpable sadness that their time

  together was coming to an end.

  “This was a great idea, Claudia. I haven’t been down here in

  years.”

  “It’s pathetic to think we live so close to places like this and

  don’t take the time to appreciate them.”

  Their outdoor table overlooked one of the most beautiful

  scenes in California, the mighty Pacific rising up to meet the

  rugged coastline. Scores of diners shared their space on the

  veranda of the famed restaurant, yet the atmosphere was private,

  since the view commanded everyone’s attention.

  Leo was captivated by another view, the pretty woman before

  her. With her long hair dancing in the breeze, Claudia looked