A small arm wrapped around his leg and gripped tightly. "Ben? What's wrong?"
Rafael looked up at him, his dark eyes huge and worried. Ben's first instinct was to protect the boy and tell him nothing was wrong. But Rafael had heard enough lies in his young life. So he squatted down on the floor next to the boy and said, "Janie is upset about something she saw on television. That's why we're going to leave. Mandy will wrap up your hamburger and fries and you can eat them at home. How would that be?"
"Okay, I guess." Rafael sounded doubtful as he glanced up at Janie. "Did she see that program you told me I couldn't watch, the one where there was too much killing?"
"Something like that." Ben's voice was grim. "She saw something that shouldn't have been on television, and it upset her."
Rafael nodded thoughtfully, and his grip on Ben's leg cased. "She was upset that time I watched the killing show, too. Why doesn't she tell Mandy to turn off the television?"
"She already did." There was no way he was going to alarm Rafael by telling him what was going on. It was far better for him to assume that Janie was upset by the violence in a television show. "Let's hit the trail, buddy."
"Okay." Rafael let go of Ben's leg and bounced for the door, apparently reassured. Ben grabbed the bags of food that Mandy pressed on them, then wrapped his arm around Janie's shoulders again. She turned to look at him, her eyes still stunned.
"Let's go, Janie," he said as he ushered her out of the restaurant. "We need to go home."
She stopped as soon as they were out the door, scanning the street. Her fear was a living thing that quivered between them. Before they took one step, she bent her head to search in her purse. When she raised her hand, he saw the pepper spray clenched tightly in her fist.
"There's no one here who doesn't belong in Cameron," he said softly. "Come on, let's get into the car."
"You take Rafael and go home in the car. I'll walk," she said. She didn't look at him. Her eyes were too busy watching the street.
"Do you really believe I would do that?" His voice had an edge he hadn't intended. "Do you really think I would leave you alone and frightened here on the street while I ran away?"
"You wouldn't be running away. You have to protect Rafael."
"There's nothing to protect him from, Janie." He steered her toward his truck. "Now let's go home and discuss this rationally."
She didn't speak at all on the ride home. Rafael talked about school for a while, but he must have sensed her distress, because eventually his voice trailed off and he looked at Janie with uncertainty.
After a few moments of strained silence, she turned around and gave the boy a weak smile. "Am I being a grump tonight, Rafael?"
He nodded. "But it's because you're mad about that television show, isn't it?" His voice was earnest.
Surprise flickered in her eyes, and Ben watched as she tried to pull herself together. "Yes, it was because of that television show."
"We shouldn't watch it anymore, then." Rafael seemed pleased with his logic.
"Maybe we won't," she answered quietly. After a moment, she swiveled around to face Rafael in the back seat. "What do you do when something scares you, Rafael?"
As Ben watched in the rearview mirror, the boy's eyes became guarded. But to Ben's surprise, he answered Janie. "I close my eyes and pretend it's not there."
"What if it doesn't go away?" Janie asked.
"Then I run away. As fast as I can."
Rafael ducked his head and played with the straps on the backpack he took everywhere. Ben knew that the scrap of cloth he had labeled Rafael's deedee was inside.
"Sometimes running away is the only thing to do." Janie's voice was quiet in the car, and held more than a trace of sadness. Ben jerked his gaze over to her, but couldn't read the expression on her face.
"Running away doesn't always solve the problem," he said, too quietly for Rafael to hear.
"But sometimes you have no choice." Janie spoke equally quietly.
"What do you do when you're scared, Janie?" Rafael's small voice was unexpected.
Janie turned to face him again, and Ben could see her gathering herself, forcing herself to focus on Rafael's question. "It depends on what I'm scared of, Rafael. Sometimes I'm scared of something I read, or something I see on television. Then I just stop reading, or stop watching the television. Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark. Then I tell myself that the dark won't hurt me, and try to keep going." She paused and took a deep breath, then turned around to fully face Rafael. "Sometimes I'm scared that someone is trying to hurt me. Then I try to get away as fast as I can."
The boy was watching her carefully now. "You don't stay and try to fight the bad person?"
"Fighting isn't always the best thing to do. I might not be strong enough," Janie said carefully. "Or big enough. So the smart thing to do is run away. If I stayed and tried to fight, I might get hurt."
Rafael nodded thoughtfully, clutching the backpack to his chest. Something expanded in Ben's heart as he watched the boy. Janie was in danger, and he knew she was terribly frightened. Yet she was sensitive enough, and caring enough, to reassure the worried boy. She had to know that Rafael wasn't asking her about her own problems. He was trying to resolve something that had happened to him before he left San Rafael.
"Here we are at home," he said, and he was afraid his voice was too hearty. "Everyone out."
Janie looked around again, scanning the bushes and shadows surrounding his house and the houses on either side of him. "It's all right, Janie," he said, touching her arm. "There isn't anyone around. There hasn't been time."
"I can't afford to assume anything," she said as she slid out of the car. She nodded at Rafael, who was bouncing his way up the front steps, their conversation apparently forgotten. "I can't think only of myself anymore."
Once they were in the house, he watched as Janie checked all the locks and made sure all the windows were bolted. Then he turned to Rafael. "What's the homework situation, buddy?"
"I have to do some math problems." Rafael sounded proud of the fact.
"Do you need help?" Ben asked.
The boy shook his head. "I can do them by myself."
"Good for you. Why don't you get started, then? You can use the kitchen table, and let me check them when you're done."
They listened for a while as they heard Rafael rustling papers in the kitchen, then the only sound was the child's pencil scratching on paper. Ben pulled Janie down next to him on the couch.
"Your picture wasn't on the screen for more than a few seconds. And what's the chance that the murderer was watching that news program tonight?"
Her lips curled up, but her eyes didn't smile. "It is the most widely watched newscast in the country," she said.
"Janie, chances are that whoever that man was, he's forgotten all about you. And it's been three years. Even if he saw you, he probably won't remember what you look like."
She shook her head slowly. "I can't afford to think that way, Ben. And even if I could, I don't think you're right. This man participated in a murder. And he knows there was a witness. Do you seriously think he'd put that fact out of his mind, or forget what that witness looked like?"
Ben felt a quick flush of shame. Janie was too smart, and too quick, to believe any patronizing words. And he owed it to her to be straight with her. "All right. Maybe he hasn't forgotten, but I still think you have pretty good odds that he either wasn't watching the show, or wasn't paying close enough attention to recognize you. Everyone knows that the last few minutes of the news programs are fluff pieces. They're interesting, or cute, but usually not hard news. So chances are that even if he was watching, he turned the program off before your face came on screen."
"Maybe so. But for your sake, and Rafael's, I have to assume otherwise."
"What does that mean?"
Janie turned on the couch to face him. "I can't stay with you now, Ben. I have to leave. I'll call my contact in the witness protection program in the morning and
arrange to be moved."
A sense of loss, so strong it was painful, stabbed through him. It was for Rafael's sake, he told himself. The child was becoming attached to Janie, and she was drawing him out. His own personal feelings had nothing to do with it
"Don't do that," he said without thinking. "Don't leave."
Her eyes filled with pain before she looked away. "I don't have any choice. I can't stay here and endanger both you and Rafael."
He couldn't bear the thought of Janie leaving, of being alone and vulnerable someplace where he couldn't protect her. "You'll be safer here with me. If you leave, you have to start over somewhere else. Is that what you want? Do you want to leave Cameron, leave Heaven on Seventh?"
Her eyes glittered, but she didn't allow the tears to fall. "Of course it's not what I want. I love Cameron, and I love Heaven. And…" She swallowed once, and he didn't dare let himself think about what she might have intended to say. "I want to stay here and fight for Rafael. I want to make sure you're allowed to adopt him. But I can't take that kind of chance with either one of you."
"Nothing has changed, Janie." He heard the desperation in his voice, and he knew that too much had changed in the last couple of weeks. He'd allowed himself to begin to hope again, to begin to feel, and now he was getting what he deserved. "Even if the murderer saw you, you'll be safer with me than on your own." He took a deep breath. "Rafael and I need you."
"I know you do, Ben." Her voice was so low he had to strain to hear her. "Don't you think I know that? And I need you, too. You and Rafael." She gave him a tremulous smile. "I have a life again, and people around me. I don't want to give that up. But I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you."
"Nothing is going to happen." He sounded more confident than he felt. Some of Janie's desperation was beginning to seep into him. "At least let's take a few days and talk about our options. That's not going to hurt anything. You won't ever be alone, and neither will Rafael. I'll make sure he's with me whenever he's not in school. Will that make you feel any better?"
"He'd be safer if I wasn't in Cameron at all." But he could hear the indecision in her voice, the reluctance to leave, and he pressed his advantage.
"Dev and all the deputies will keep a close eye out for strangers in town. I won't tell them why, just that there may be a problem. We'll keep you safe, Janie."
Before she could answer, Rafael came into the living room, holding a piece of paper in one hand and his math book in the other. "I finished my homework, Ben." His eyes glowed with pride. "You said you wanted to check it."
"That I do, buddy."
Janie watched as Ben pulled Rafael down next to him and opened the book. Two dark heads bent over the paper, and she watched as Ben went over each problem with Rafael, praising him when he got a problem correct, and helping him figure out where he went wrong when there was a mistake.
How could she leave this?
How could she not?
She pushed away the part of her that yearned to accept Ben's reassurances, longed to ignore the danger. Of course she wanted to stay with them. But how could she stay, knowing that a killer could step into their lives at any moment? How could she stay, knowing that by doing so she put Rafael and Ben in horrible danger? She would never forgive herself if anything happened to either of them.
Ben eased the math book closed, and ruffled Rafael's hair. "Good job, buddy. Now go take a bath. It's almost time for bed."
Rafael nodded, then he turned to her. "Janie, are you still scared?"
She forced herself to smile as she touched his cheek.
"Not anymore. I'm safe at home now."
The boy nodded, apparently satisfied. "Okay." The fear and bewilderment she'd seen at the restaurant were gone. His eyes were clear again, and he gave her a shy smile. "You can hold my deedee if you get scared again." Then he darted into the bathroom and quietly shut the door.
Janie stared for a moment at the place where he'd disappeared, then she turned to Ben, her heart contracting in her chest. "I didn't think he ever let that scrap of material out of his reach."
"He doesn't." Ben reached over and took her hand, and she felt his warmth creep into the coldness inside her. "How can you leave him now, Janie? He trusts you. He's opening up to you. Don't abandon him."
"Don't do this to me, Ben." She could hear the anguish in her voice but she didn't care. She couldn't disguise how she felt. "You're putting me in an impossible position. Do I leave and keep him safe, but destroy his trust? Or do I stay and take the chance that he'll be well adjusted and happy when the murderer comes to kill him?"
"You're getting a little dramatic now, Janie."
"You're damned right I'm getting dramatic." She jumped off the couch and paced the room. "You're giving me a choice between two impossible things. After what Rafael just said to me, how can I possibly leave? And after what he said to me, and the trust that it shows, how can I stay, knowing that I'm risking his life?"
"Right now we have to get Rafael into bed." He stood up and looked over at the closed bathroom door. "But think of it this way, Janie. Physical injuries will heal. If, God forbid, this murderer finds him and hurts him, we can make him better. But if you leave now, will he ever trust anyone again?"
Ben disappeared into the bathroom and Janie stared at the door for a long time, sick dread collecting in her stomach. She wanted to pick something up and hurl it at the door, but she clenched her hands into fists and turned away.
Ben was right, after all. He spoke nothing more than the truth.
She should have listened to her conscience and refused to marry Ben. She'd known it was wrong, but the part of her that had yearned for him wanted to believe that everything would be all right. And the longing for him that had lived in the most secret part of her heart had flooded over and allowed her to ignore her better judgment.
Now both Ben and Rafael would pay the price for her selfishness.
Her throat clogged with tears that swelled into a huge lump. How could she leave Rafael now, just when he was beginning to trust her? And what would happen to Ben's adoption hearing if his new wife disappeared? The judge would laugh him out of the courtroom, and Rafael would be given to someone else.
Someone who wouldn't, couldn't love him as much as Ben.
When Ben stepped out of Rafael's room, she was curled into a ball on the couch. "He wants to say good night to you," Ben said in a low voice.
Janie walked into the darkened room where Rafael snuggled in the bed, his scrap of material bundled under one arm. He smiled when he saw her.
"Good night, Janie," he said.
She bent and kissed his cheek, and he curled his empty arm around her neck. It was the first time he had voluntarily embraced her, and she hugged him back fiercely, feeling her heart move in her chest and fighting to keep the tears that swelled in her throat from overflowing. "Good night, Rafael. Sleep tight."
His arm clung to her for a moment, then he let go and turned over on his side. His eyes fluttered closed, and his breathing evened out as she watched him fall asleep.
Mimi strolled into the room and jumped onto the bed. She sniffed once at Rafael, then settled down in the crook of the boy's knees and began to purr. When the cat laid her head on her white paws and closed her eyes, Janie felt more tears prickle her throat. Even her cat had fallen for Rafael.
She stayed in the quiet room for a while, watching the gentle rise and fall of the quilt that covered him, and realized that he had stolen her heart the first time she'd seen him with Ben at the town picnic. She loved him completely. She couldn't imagine loving him more than she already did. And she would do anything, risk anything, to protect him.
Anything but leave him.
Ben was waiting for her in the living room when she finally left the bedroom. He had a pad of paper in one hand and a pen in the other. He looked up and said, "I'm making a list. Pros and cons about going and staying. We need to stop being emotional about this and try to discuss it rationally."
"We don't need a list. I can't go anywhere, Ben," she said, her voice low. "Rafael hugged me tonight. He offered me his most precious possession. How can I leave him now?"
Slowly he put the paper on the floor. "What about the risk to him if you stay?"
She sat down next to him on the couch and laid her hand on his arm. "I trust you," she said simply, and realized that she did. A huge weight slid off her shoulders. "You promised to keep him safe, and I believe you. I'm scared, but I'm not going anywhere. I won't call my witness protection contact, and I won't do anything different at the restaurant. As long as you take care of Rafael, I can take care of myself."
He covered her hand with his own, and the roughness of his palm, the calluses on his fingers, reminded her that he was a tough man, and a strong one. He would be able to protect Rafael.
"I'm going to protect you, too, Janie. I'll keep you safe, or I'll die trying."
"I know you will, Ben. I do trust you."
His hand quivered over hers, then he pulled her into his arms. "I'd give anything to make this go away, Janie. I hate seeing you suffering like this. I hate knowing that you're living in fear, and that I can't do a damn thing about it."
Slowly her hands crept around him, holding onto his warmth and strength. When she leaned against his chest, his heart beat strongly next to hers. And she felt safe. "But you are doing something about it. You're here with me, and I'm not alone. No matter what happens, I won't have to face it alone. You can't possibly understand how much that means to me."
"I think I can." He leaned away and framed her face with his hands. "Because I'm not alone, either. You've made such a difference with Rafael already." His eyes darkened. "And with me. I didn't realize how hard it was to be a single parent until you came into our lives. Our marriage may be only for Rafael's sake, but it's important to me. And you are, too."
As she looked at the sincerity in Ben's eyes, her heart contracted with pain. She wanted far more from him than gratitude. She wanted to be so much more than the woman he married so he could get custody of Rafael. But for now, she would settle for what he was able to give.
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 10