"It wasn't just your fault, Ben. It sounds like Amber made her own choices." Her voice was fierce in his defense, and he turned to look at her.
"I should have seen what was happening. I should have known about the drinking. She was taking care of my son, for God's sake. I should have paid more attention."
"How did you find out?" Janie asked softly.
"I came home early one day. I quit working at night, because I finally realized that I was running away from our problems. I needed to spend more time with Amber and Robbie. And when I got home, Amber was passed out on the couch. Robbie was watching television."
"What did you do?"
"I insisted that she get help. She wouldn't admit she had a problem, so I packed up Robbie and I left. After I'd been gone for a couple of days, she panicked and promised to do anything I wanted her to do. So I enrolled her in a program, and she stayed the whole thirty days. When she got out, she swore she would never take another drink. And she swore things would change in our marriage."
"But they didn't, did they?" Janie said quietly.
"For a while things were better. I was home in the evening, and Amber tried to make things work. But I guess she really wasn't cut out to be a mother. Taking care of a three-year-old is hard work. Eventually she started drinking again. But she was smarter about it this time. She hid the bottles and used breath mints to hide the smell.
"It took a while, but eventually I figured out what was going on. She swore she would stop, and for a while she did. But it didn't last long."
He wanted to block the rest of the story from his mind. He wasn't sure if he could bear reliving it again. Then Janie took his face between her hands. "You don't have to tell me the rest. I can see how much it hurts just to think about it."
Her words gave him a burst of strength. "I want to tell you, Janie. You need to know. One evening she picked me up from work because my car was in the shop. It had been raining, and the roads were slick. And she was driving too slowly. So I asked her if she'd been drinking again."
Once again he was back in the car, the angry words spilling out, the air filled with accusations, justification. He could smell the rain, the musty car, his baby's tears. "She denied it, but by that time I was an expert on drunkenness. I told her to pull over, to let me drive, but by that time she was so angry that she refused. She just kept going. So at the next stoplight, I got out of the car and opened the back door. I was going to take Robbie and catch a cab home. But before I could get him out of his car seat, the light turned green and she started to drive. I was thrown out of the car and she sped off. I flagged down a police car, but it was too late. She was gone.
"Two hours later the police came to the house. She'd been going too fast and skidded on a curve. The car rolled over twice and smashed into a light pole. Amber and Robbie were killed instantly."
"Oh, Ben." Janie wrapped her arms around him and held him close. For a moment, he allowed himself to accept her comfort, allowed her sympathy to surround him. Then he freed himself and set her gently away from him.
"I shouldn't have lost my temper. I should have stayed in the car and tried to reason with Amber. If I had, they would both be alive today."
"Or you would be dead." Her words were blunt. "How can you blame yourself for what happened? Amber made the choice to drink. And she made the choice to drive while she was drunk. You're not responsible for that."
"I am responsible for making her angry enough to drive recklessly."
"Hindsight is always perfect, Ben." Her voice gentled. "It's always easy to know what you should have done. Your son's death must have nearly destroyed you. I have no idea of how awful that must have been, and I can only imagine your pain. But you can't keep punishing yourself. You did everything you could to protect him."
"If I'd done everything I could to protect him, he'd still be alive today." The grief and guilt remained lodged in his heart, a ball of ice that refused to melt. "Robbie would have been nine, a little older than Rafael."
"You couldn't save Robbie, but you're going to save Rafael. Surely that counts for something."
"He isn't saved yet."
"But he will be." Janie's voice was fierce, and she turned so that she faced him. "You're going to save Rafael, Ben. He's going to grow up in Cameron, surrounded by people who love him. Doesn't that count for something?"
He wanted to take the lifeline she offered, take the absolution and free himself of the guilt that always dragged at him. But he couldn't allow himself to do that. He couldn't allow himself to forget about Robbie, and what he had done. "Rafael isn't Robbie. Just because I'm helping him doesn't mean that I can forget about my son."
"Of course you can't forget about your son. He'll always have a place in your heart. But it should be filled with good memories, not pain. You have to stop feeling guilty about his death, and start celebrating his life. You can remember the good times you had with him, and the joy he brought to you. He wouldn't have wanted you to lock yourself away from the world because he was gone."
"I'm not locking myself away from the world. I'm a police officer. You can't get much more connected to the world than that."
The look she gave him was full of pity. "You help people every day, but you don't allow yourself to get involved with any of them. Now I understand why you're so insistent that you don't love Rafael. Do you think that if you admit that you love him, you'll somehow be loving your son less?"
"You don't understand," he muttered.
"Then explain it to me."
He sighed. "Janie, I don't do relationships. I can't. I destroyed the two most important people in my life, and it happened because I didn't understand how to reach my wife. And because I didn't understand how to handle her, my son died, too. Now do you understand why I can't take a chance like that again?"
"So you're afraid that anyone you get close to is going to start drinking, then kill themselves by driving drunk?" Her voice held only polite inquiry.
He ran his hand through his hair. "Of course not. But you deserve someone who is whole, someone who can give you everything you need. I'm not sure if I'll ever be whole again."
"You're exactly what I need, Ben. Can't you see that? And what about Rafael? If you have nothing inside you to give, why did you take him in? Why are you trying to adopt him?"
"Because he wants me," Ben muttered. "I don't know why, but it's clear that he feels safe with me. And as long as that's true, I'm going to keep him with me."
"He loves you, Ben. And you love him."
"I represent stability to Rafael. And that's good enough for me."
Janie sighed and rested her head against his chest again. And in spite of his vows, he wrapped his arms around her. "I'm just going to have to keep telling you until you believe me," Janie said. "Rafael is a smart boy. He knows a good thing when he sees it. And he loves you."
What about you, Janie? The thought came from somewhere deep inside him, and it shocked him speechless. He didn't want Janie to love him. He needed her help to adopt Rafael, and he wanted to help her get free of the threat that hovered over her. But he didn't want her to love him. And he didn't want to love her.
A part of him warned that it was already too late, but he refused to listen. "I took advantage of you," he said, deliberately shoving away any thoughts of a future together. "I should have told you about Amber and Robbie before we made love. Hell, I should have told you before we got married."
"Do you think it would have made a difference?" She sat up and looked at him again, and the expression in her eyes was so tender that he couldn't bear to look at her. "Did you think that if you told me about your wife and son, it would change how I felt about you?" Her eyes blazed fire at him. "If so, you don't know me very well, Ben Jackson."
"I know you better than you think," he murmured, and with a flash of shame he knew it was true. He'd known how she would react when he told her his story. Wasn't that why he'd told her? Hadn't some part of him, deep inside, wanted to hear her tell him that i
t wasn't his fault?
"Maybe you do. But you don't want to know me, do you?" she said, her voice low and tender in the semidarkness of the cave. "You don't want to need anyone, because you feel safer that way. But I'm not going anywhere, Ben. I'm going to be standing next to you and Rafael on the day of the hearing, and I'm going to be there for all the days before and after the hearing. You can't scare me off."
A huge bubble of joy swelled inside him before he could stop it. By some miracle, Janie still wanted him. And like a man dying of thirst, he would take the water she offered. It didn't matter that he knew he had no right to take it. He couldn't give her the love she needed—anything that resembled love had died inside of him a long time ago. But he hungered for her like he'd never hungered before. It would take a man far stronger than him to turn her away.
She pulled him close in a fierce embrace, and he closed his eyes and held on tightly. She fit against him perfectly, matched him perfectly. And he wanted her more now than he had that afternoon.
"I should turn out the flashlight," he said, trying to move away from Janie.
"No!" Her voice was fierce. "I want to see you when we make love. I want you to see me, and know I'm here with you."
Desire and heat shot through him, making him ache with need. "Believe me, Janie, I'll know you're here."
"If you can't see me, you can pretend it doesn't matter. I want you to know that it matters," she answered him. She let him go and sat up, the silver blanket slipping from her shoulders. Her gaze never wavered from his face as she began to unbutton the flannel shirt she wore.
When the shirt fell to the floor of the cave, she pulled her T-shirt over her head and tossed that aside. But when her fingers fumbled with the clasp of her bra, he reached out and pushed her hands away.
"Let me," he said. Her skin was soft and warm, and the scent of her filled the air around him. When her breasts spilled into his hands, he closed his eyes as desire ripped through him.
He wanted to plunge into her, to claim her and brand her as his. He wanted his mark on her, so that any other man who looked at her would know she belonged to him.
He waited until he was sure he could control himself, then he bent his head to taste her. When he took one nipple into his mouth, she shuddered and gasped as she clutched his arms.
He lowered her to the floor without taking his mouth off her. She writhed beneath him, wrapping her legs around his and arching up to meet him. When he felt himself begin to shake, he eased away from her.
"You deserve more than the cold floor of a cave," he said, watching her in the dim light that etched shadows on the walls.
Her eyes were heavy-lidded, but she managed to open them. Her smile was sultry and full of promises. "We can make love anytime in a bed. But you're not going to get me up into this cave again. So if you have fantasies about making love in a cave, it's now or never, Ben."
* * *
Chapter 14
«^»
Janie opened her eyes to find a dim light suffusing the cave. She was lying on Ben's chest, her head pillowed on his shoulder. They had made love until they were both too exhausted to move, then fallen asleep tangled together. Ben must have shifted her on top of him while they slept.
She closed her eyes again, inhaling the subtle smell of his soap and the musky scent of their lovemaking. They would have to face reality soon, but right now she wanted nothing more than to stay here with Ben, enjoying the closeness and the intimacy. She wanted nothing to mar the memories of last night. She knew that as soon as Ben woke up, they would leave the cave and begin another cat and mouse game through the mountains.
"Good morning." Ben's voice rasped in her ear, and she turned her head so she could kiss his neck.
"Good morning to you."
He eased her away from him, then sat up and reached for his shirt. "We need to get moving, Janie."
For a moment she was disappointed. She wanted to grab back the intimacy, the closeness, the sense of timelessness they'd had the night before. But she knew that Ben was focused on her safety, and that meant leaving the cave. So she nodded. "I know."
He studied her for a moment, then suddenly pulled her close for a long, deep kiss. "Hold that thought until we're safe again," he said, brushing the hair away from her face.
She nodded again, a lump growing in her throat. "I will." He wouldn't say anything more, but he didn't need to. She had seen the look in his eyes, felt the tenderness in his kiss.
Trying to hide her reaction to his kiss, she looked around the cave for her clothes, then fumbled to pull them on in the small space. "Funny," she said, trying to make her voice cheerful. "This cave seemed a lot bigger last night."
"A lot of things were different last night." Ben pulled the phone out of his pack. "I'm going to take a look around. If I don't see anyone, I'll call Devlin and find out what's going on at the cabin."
Janie threw her clothes on as she listened to Ben. There was complete silence from around the corner, and when she had finished dressing she crawled around to look at him. He was lying perfectly still on the floor of the cave, surveying the area below them.
Janie eased her way back into the small room that had sheltered them and leaned against the wall, waiting. She felt more alive than she ever had, and more aware of her body. Her muscles tingled and there was a pleasant soreness between her legs. She grinned to herself. She was going to have to stay in better shape.
After what seemed like a very long time, she heard Ben's voice, talking to Devlin. She couldn't make out the words, but she knew that he and Dev would know what to do.
"Ready to go?" Ben slid next to her and dropped a quick kiss on her mouth.
"What did the sheriff say?"
"The guy isn't at the cabin. Dev and the deputies are going to start circling the lake. He wanted us to stay here, but I told him we were going to move. If your murderer finds us in the cave, we won't have a chance. I'd rather be in the open. The odds are more in our favor that way."
"We still have to get down from the cave without him seeing us." She hadn't wanted to think about climbing down that rock face.
"We'll get down, and you'll be fine." Ben sounded completely confident. "I have a plan."
"What's that?"
He took her hand in his and twined their fingers together. "I've gotten a lot of people out of these mountains. Some of them were a lot higher than we are now. And I haven't lost one of them."
"I trust you, Ben," she interrupted. "That's not the issue. I believe that whatever you've decided will work. I just want to know what it is, then do it, as quickly as possible."
He looked at her for a moment, then bent to kiss her. "You really are remarkable, Janie." Their mouths clung together for a moment, then Ben pulled away. Her heart lifted when she felt his reluctance.
"All right, then, this is what we're going to do. You're going down first. I tried to think of a way to avoid that, but I don't think we have a choice. And once you're down, it will take me less than a minute to join you. So I think you'll be safe."
"Believe me, I'd rather go first than be stranded in this cave by myself," she said fervently. "I'm just afraid I'm going to freeze on you again. If I'm stuck on the cliff, I'll be a target. And so will you."
Ben reached into his pack and pulled out a length of rope. "You're not going to have to worry about that. All you have to do is keep yourself from banging into the rock. I'm going to tie this rope around you and lower you down."
She eyed the rope with trepidation. "Are you sure that rope will hold me?"
"It'll hold someone twice as big as you."
He gathered their belongings quickly and replaced them in his backpack, then tied the rope around her waist. "There are other, fancier ways of doing this, but it's not that far to the bottom of the cliff. This will work just fine."
Then he looped the rope around an outcropping of rock and pulled up the slack. "Are you ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be." Janie moistened her lips and glanc
ed at the edge of the cave. All she could see was the lake in the distance and the blue of the sky. "What do I do?"
"Go down facing the rock. Basically, you're going to slide down the cliff and use your hands and feet to keep from smashing into it. It'll take about twenty seconds and you'll be at the bottom. And don't look down."
"Don't worry," she muttered. She looked around the cave, trying to make sure they had everything, until she realized she was stalling. "Okay, I'm ready."
"Back out the door, then let yourself begin to slide. I won't let you fall."
"I know you won't." She leaned over to kiss him again, then moved toward the entrance to the cave. When her feet dangled in the air, she took a deep breath and slid off the edge.
For one sickening moment, she felt herself falling. Then the rope caught and tightened around her waist. She was suspended in the air, and she scrambled for a place to put her feet.
As soon as she was braced against the rock, Ben released more of the rope and she slid a few inches down. "Are you all right?" His voice was barely above a whisper.
"I'm fine." She spoke equally softly, and he lowered her some more.
Her hands scraped against the rocks, and her boots scrabbled for a hold, then she slid some more. Before she realized it, she was on the ground.
The next instant, Ben appeared in the entrance to the cave and tossed the rope down, then he scrambled down the cliff face. He made it look easy as he practically leaped from one tiny crevice to another. As soon as he hit the ground, he pulled her toward a jumble of mesquite bushes and boulders, dragging her into a crack between two large rocks.
She opened her mouth to ask him something, but he held up his hand, demanding silence. The only sound was the whisper of the rope as Ben coiled it in his hands, then replaced it in his pack.
They sat wedged between the rocks for what felt like a long time. The sun crept higher in the sky, soaking into her and warming the dark flannel of her shirt. When she glanced over at Ben, she saw he wore a look of complete concentration.
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 17