As soon as they reappeared, Janie hurried over to them, hugging Carly and asking her when the baby was due. Ben watched Carly beaming with happiness as she answered. He could barely force himself to look at Dev's sappy grin as he remembered the day when Amber had told him she was pregnant.
There had been no smiles that day. Amber had thrown only angry tears and ugly words at him, and he still remembered the shock of learning they would soon be parents.
His happiness couldn't dull Amber's resentment, and the eight months before Robbie's birth had passed far too quickly, their house tense with Amber's sullen misery. He would have given anything if Amber had been half as pleased as Carly about her impending motherhood. Ben turned away to look for Rafael, unable to join in the celebration.
A moment later Janie touched his arm. "I think we need to go home," she said quietly.
When he turned to look at her, he saw the understanding in her eyes. He wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her, hold on to her forever, but instead he nodded. "I'll find Rafael. Dev can get our stuff from the cabin and bring it into town later."
Janie nodded. "I'll tell Shea and Devlin that we're leaving."
* * *
Janie felt like she'd fallen through the rabbit hole. During the next few days her life turned upside down with a speed that bewildered her. When she contacted the witness protection program, her contact told her that she was one of their successes. Since she was certain that the suspect in custody was the man who committed the murder, she had no further need for protection. The man on the phone had told her that he'd be in touch in a few days, but as far as he was concerned, she was back among the living. Just before he said goodbye, he gave her the address and phone number of her sister and niece and nephew.
As she stared at the phone with tears in her eyes, Ben moved to her side. "Why don't you call her?" he said quietly.
She turned to look at him. "I'm almost afraid to. I'm afraid that this is a dream, and that I'll wake up and realize that I still don't even know if they're alive."
He smiled, the first time she'd seen him smile since they'd returned from the Red Rock. "This isn't a dream, Janie. And if you still have any doubts, look out the front window." He gestured toward the street, where several members of the national media were camped out. "Give her a call."
Joy and hope tightened in her chest until she was afraid she would burst with happiness. She picked up the phone and dialed the number she'd written down. Her hand shook so badly that she had trouble punching in the last few numbers.
She could hardly breathe as she listened to the phone ring. Finally someone picked up the receiver. "Hello?"
It was her sister's voice. Janie's throat swelled and she had to swallow twice before she could say, "Amy? This is Mary Frances."
Over her sister's squeal she heard Ben leave the room. She turned to look for him, but the back door closed quietly behind him. Then her sister started asking her questions, and she allowed herself to be swept into the conversation. But she wondered where Ben had gone, even as she caught up on three years worth of news about her sister and her family.
Ben didn't come back for three hours. Janie paced in the house, reluctant to leave and face the cameras that waited for her, but anxious to know where he'd gone. Finally the back door opened, and Ben walked in with Rafael, who'd gone out to the Red Rock with Devlin that morning.
"There you are," she said with relief.
Ben looked over at her. "You weren't worried, were you?"
"Not exactly. I just wondered where you'd gone."
"I picked Rafael up from Shea's and then took him down to the office." Ben looked over at the boy, and his expression softened. "I promised him he could see Turnbull, and so we went and took a look."
"Has he said anything yet?" Janie asked.
"Not a word. But we got the fingerprints back from Chicago, and they're a match. So there's no doubt that he's Edward Turnbull, candidate for governor. His lawyer is screaming about false arrest, but we've got an airtight case against him. I talked to the police in Chicago. Apparently there were some rumors going around that Turnbull had accepted a lot of bribes in his days as an alderman. Their guess is that when he decided to run for governor, he figured he'd have to eliminate anyone who'd given him a bribe. Your boss probably had to pay him off to get city business. And now that he was aiming for the big time, he didn't want to be susceptible to blackmail." His mouth tightened. "They told me there were a few more unsolved murders that were a lot like your boss's. They suspect Turnbull was behind those, too."
"So he won't be getting out of jail?"
"Turnbull won't be going anywhere for a long time."
"Now we can concentrate on more important things," she said.
Ben looked away. "Like the adoption hearing next week."
"That, too," she said. "But I was thinking about our marriage."
Ben glanced toward Rafael's room, where the boy had gone. "Maybe we shouldn't discuss that right now."
"Then when should we discuss it, Ben?"
He shrugged. "I think Rafael has enough to worry about right now. Why add in something else?"
"Our marriage has nothing to do with Rafael. They're separate issues," she said.
"Are they?" He watched her steadily, his face unreadable. "That wasn't our deal."
"Don't you think the deal has changed?" she demanded.
"Has it, Janie?"
An icy fist clutched at her chest, wiping away the joy that had bloomed there. "Don't you think it has?" Her voice was quiet.
He shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe now you don't want it to change." He shoved his hands into his pockets. "Are you going to go visit your sister?"
"I can't leave now. We have the custody hearing next week."
She thought he relaxed slightly. "Good," he muttered. "Did you think I was going to renege on my part of the bargain?" Her voice rose.
"I didn't know what to think, Janie. You've just been freed from the prison that your life has been for the past three years. I didn't know what you were going to do."
"I thought you knew me better than that." Shards of pain skewered her heart. "I can't believe you had to ask if I would be here."
He rubbed his hand over his face. "I just wanted to be sure," he muttered. "I know you want to see your sister."
"She's coming to Cameron to visit me. She'll be here in a couple of days." Janie stared at him, not sure what to say, feeling a chasm opening up between them. "Things were so different up at the cabin," she whispered. "Why has everything changed?"
"Your life has changed," he said, his voice harsh. "You need to keep your options open."
Her heart felt like it was crumbling into dust. "I see." She knew she should ask him if he wanted her to go, but she didn't have the courage for that. So she forced a smile on to her face and said, "I don't have time to worry about that right now. We have the custody hearing next week. That's all that's important right now."
She thought it was relief that eased the tightness on his face. "You're right. When we're done, that judge won't have a single doubt about where Rafael should be."
* * *
A week later as they stood together in court, watching the judge settle into his chair, Janie prayed that Ben's words were true. Even though the air in the courtroom was warm, she shivered. She knew her hands were trembling, and she laced her fingers together to stop the shaking.
Ben must have sensed her fear, because he reached over and took her hand. It was the first time he'd touched her all week, and she clung to him gratefully, even though she suspected it was only for show. He'd avoided her during the day, and come into their bed after he thought she was asleep at night. But today they had to present a united front.
After stating the facts of the case and giving a history of Ben's involvement with Rafael, the social worker for his case turned to them. "This is really a fairly simple proceeding. The judge needs to decide if you'll make good parents for Rafael. I've already given him my r
ecommendation. Now it's your turn to tell him what you want him to know."
She and Ben had already decided that Ben would be the one to speak, since he had spent far more time with Rafael. Ben stepped forward in the new suit he'd bought for their wedding. He cleared his throat and said, "Thank you for the opportunity to address you, Your Honor."
He waited for a moment, then he said, "Rafael means more to me than anyone in the world, with the possible exception of my wife." He quickly told the story of how he'd met Rafael when he'd found him in the mountains, and how the boy had become attached to him. He told the judge honestly that he hadn't planned on adopting a child, but that he hadn't been able to resist Rafael.
"It didn't take me long to realize that Rafael needed me. For some reason, he trusted me. He felt safe with me. And he's becoming a vital part of the town of Cameron."
He described Rafael's success in school, all the new friends that he was making, the way the boy was opening up to the people around him. "I think that it would harm Rafael to be taken away from Janie and me and placed with another family. But that's not the main reason we want to adopt him."
Janie heard Ben swallow in the quiet courtroom. "Janie and I want to adopt him because we both love him. We can't imagine being a family without Rafael. The three of us are a family now, and if you took him away, you would destroy all of us." Ben turned to look at her. "Janie and I married only recently, but I know she cares just as deeply for Rafael as I do. And Rafael loves her, too."
The judge pushed his glasses up his nose. "I'm glad you brought that up, because I want to ask you about your marriage. The timing seemed suspicious. Did you marry only to provide the appearance of a stable home for the boy?"
"No, Your Honor." Ben's answer was instantaneous. "I know the timing seems very coincidental, but Janie and I have known each other for three years. It took me that long to convince her to marry me. She had reasons for not wanting to marry."
"Hmm." The judge looked down his nose at her. "I've heard about your recent adventures. Is this the reason you didn't marry sooner, Mrs. Jackson?"
"Yes, it is, Your Honor. I didn't feel it was fair to put Ben in possible danger."
"Yet you finally decided to marry, anyway?"
"Ben convinced me that the danger wasn't as acute as I'd feared. And he also felt that he could protect me, if the need arose."
"Which he did."
"Yes." She looked over at Ben, who had turned to look at her as she spoke. "He saved my life."
She knew her feelings were written on her face as she remembered their stay in the mountains. They had faced danger, but their time together was unbearably precious to her, and she would never forget what they had shared. Ben's expression softened as he watched her, and she could see the matching flame leap in his eyes. Then the judge spoke again.
"Ahem. Yes. I don't think I have any more questions about your marriage." He turned back to Ben. "What do you plan to do with the boy?"
"We plan to love him," Ben said simply. "We plan to raise him and guide him to adulthood, to the best of our ability. And we hope to eventually heal the pain inside of him."
"He hasn't told you anything about what happened to him in San Rafael?"
"He hasn't told anyone. He hasn't even told us his real name."
"But you think he will?"
"Yes, I do. He just needs time, and lots of love." The judge leaned back in his chair and studied Ben for a long moment, then turned his gaze on her. Janie wanted to shout at him, to tell him that no one could love Rafael as much as she and Ben did, but she bit her lip and returned his gaze as calmly as she could.
Finally he nodded. "I already have the social worker's report. I'll have a recommendation for you in a week or so." He banged his gavel and walked out of the room.
She and Ben hurried from the courtroom. When they were outside, Ben slowed down and took a deep breath. "I didn't know we'd have to wait a week."
Janie took his hand. He didn't flinch away from her, and she held on tightly. "He'll approve the adoption. How could he not?"
"Anything could happen." He scowled at her. "Should we call your sister and make sure everything is all right?"
"Why don't we just go home? I'm sure they're fine. Rafael has been getting along great with Amy and her kids in the past few days."
They got into the car for the hour-long drive back to Cameron, and neither of them said anything for a long time. Finally Ben said, "You've been enjoying your sister's visit." His voice was neutral.
"Of course I have. I wasn't sure I'd ever see her again." Her voice softened. "I can't believe how much her kids have grown. Beth was a baby when I left, and now she's in kindergarten. And Cal was a little boy. Now he's a year older than Rafael." She smiled as she thought of the two boys. "I never imagined I'd see them playing together."
"You and your sister talked a lot about the past. I didn't realize how much you missed being a landscape designer." Again, Ben's voice was carefully neutral.
"I miss growing the flowers, watching the seeds turn into plants. I miss getting my hands dirty and watching new life come from the soil. But I have big plans for landscaping the house."
She thought he tensed, but he didn't say anything for a few minutes. Finally he said, "Are you going back to Chicago with your sister?"
She swiveled around in her seat, astonished at the question. "Why would I do that?"
"That is your home," he said stiffly.
"Cameron is my home. It has been for the past three years. I have a business here, and I thought I had a family here. I have no desire to go back to Chicago. Why would you even think I did?"
"Because you can't be a landscape designer in Cameron. You can barely grow anything in our desert dirt."
"My life isn't about being a landscape designer anymore, Ben. I loved my job in Chicago, but my life has changed. And I have no intention of going back."
He was silent for a few moments. Then he said, "Then what are your plans?"
Janie's heart shriveled in her chest. "If you have to ask, then I guess it doesn't matter."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Was he being deliberately obtuse? "I thought we had a real marriage, Ben. I thought everything changed up on the mountain." She stopped, racked by pain. "At least it did for me. I thought you lo… cared for me." She couldn't bring herself to say that she loved him. She was certain he didn't want to hear that.
"What happened between us up on the mountain was stress and fear." His voice was harsh, and she couldn't force herself to look at him. She didn't want to see what she feared would be in his face. "You can't make a dream grow from a moment of illusion."
It wasn't an illusion for me. She longed to say the words, but instead turned to look out the window. She didn't want him to see the tears that gathered in her eyes.
"How do you know it wasn't real?" she finally whispered.
He turned into their driveway and turned off the engine, but made no move to get out of the car. Instead, he turned to face her. "Fear does funny things to your emotions," he said. "It can make you believe all kinds of things that turn out not to be true. It distorts everything."
"What did it make you feel, Ben?" she asked.
He scowled at her. "It made me remember not to believe in illusions. Because they can be shattered in an instant."
He got out of the car and walked toward the house. Janie slowly followed him, her heart aching, wondering how to convince Ben that they had something worth believing in. Something worth fighting for.
Before they reached the door, Rafael came flying out of the house. Tears had left tracks down his face, and Janie saw the terror in his eyes.
They both ran toward him, but Ben reached him first. He swept the boy into his embrace, and Rafael's thin arms clung to his neck.
"What's wrong, buddy?" Ben's voice was low and soothing.
Sobs tore from Rafael's throat, harsh and primitive. It was the first time he had cried, she realized. His arms tightened arou
nd Ben's neck, and he buried his face in Ben's shoulder.
Ben shot her a worried look, and she wrapped her arms around Rafael, too. "Whatever it is, we can fix, Rafael," she said.
"No, you can't." He clung more tightly to Ben. "I can't live here anymore, can I?"
* * *
Chapter 16
«^»
Ben sat down heavily on the front porch, still holding tightly to Rafael. "What do you mean?" he whispered.
"The lady at the park told me," the boy hiccuped through his sobs. "She said you were talking to a man today about whether I could stay with you. That means that maybe I can't stay."
Ben had deliberately not said anything to Rafael about the adoption hearing. He'd known the boy would worry, and it wouldn't have changed anything. Now a murderous rage began to grow inside him at the unknown woman from the park.
The front door of the house banged again, and Janie's sister Amy came running out of the house. "Thank God you're back. I'm so sorry, Ben, Janie. That stupid woman told him before I could stop her."
Janie laid her hand on her sister's arm. "What exactly happened, Amy?"
"We were at the park. The kids were playing, and someone came up and started a conversation with me. I don't know who she is." She sighed. "I don't think she meant any harm. I think she was just trying to be nice to Rafael. When he came over to ask me when you'd be back, she said he must be very excited about what was happening today. When he asked her why, she said that when you got back, you'd know if the two of you could adopt Rafael."
The fear and worry that were never far from his mid when he thought about Rafael came surging back. Would he be able to reassure the boy? Would he say the right things? His failure to save Robbie's life was never far from his mid.
Slowly he eased Rafael away from his shoulder so he could look at him. "Are you afraid, Rafael?" he asked softly.
The boy nodded.
"I'm afraid, too. It's true that we went to a judge today and asked to adopt you. But the judge didn't give us an answer. It'll take a while before we know for sure." His arms tightened convulsively around the child. "But you won't be leaving, Rafael. You're my son. And you're staying with us."
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 19