THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM

by Margaret Watson

  Ben knew he was being rash. He knew he was taking a chance. But the lost, terrified look on Rafael's face was more than he could bear.

  "What if the judge says I can't stay with you?"

  "Then we'll talk to another judge. And if he says no, we'll talk to another one after that.. We'll keep talking to judges until there aren't any left."

  "And then what happens?"

  "Then you'll be old enough to decide for yourself where you want to live."

  "I want to live with you, Ben. And Janie."

  He didn't dare look over at Janie. "Then that's where you'll stay."

  Rafael's lip began to tremble. "That's not what the lady said."

  "She didn't know what she was talking about." Ben hoped his voice was firm enough. "I do."

  Rafael watched him for a moment, then nodded. "Okay." He sniffed once, then slid off Ben's lap. "I want to go play with Cal again."

  "He's inside," Amy said, and held open the door. Rafael disappeared into the house.

  The three adults were silent for a moment. Then Amy said, "I'll go keep an eye on the kids." She went inside, leaving him alone with Janie once more.

  He didn't want to be alone with Janie. He was having a hard enough time staying away from her. If he spent any time alone with her, he was afraid he would get down on his knees and beg her to stay. And he owed her far too much to ask that of her.

  A real marriage had never been part of their deal. Janie was free for the first time in three years, and he didn't have the right to ask her to stay with him and Rafael. No matter how much he wanted to ask.

  Janie was grateful to him for helping her escape Turnbull, and the sex had been mind-blowing. But that was all it was, and she'd realize it in a few months. So it was better that he let her go now. The longer she stayed, the more his heart would ache when she left.

  He ignored the voice inside him that mocked his words, that told him it didn't matter if Janie left now or in a month. She'd take his heart with her, no matter when she left.

  Mary Frances. She hadn't even told him her real name. When he'd heard her talking to her sister, he'd felt like a knife had stabbed through his chest. Mary Frances wasn't anyone who would stay in Cameron, or with him. Mary Frances had better things to do with her life.

  "What are we going to do about Rafael?" Janie asked quietly.

  He glanced over at her, then quickly looked away. She looked as sick at heart as he felt. "Just what I told him. If the judge says we can't adopt him, we'll appeal. And we'll keep appealing until he's old enough to be allowed a say in where he lives. I'm not giving him up."

  She sank down on the step next to him. "I was hoping you'd say that. But I don't think it will come to that. I think the judge will approve our petition."

  "That's wishful thinking." He couldn't keep the harsh edge out of his voice. He couldn't bear to let the hope trickle into his heart.

  "I don't think so." She turned to him and finally smiled. "I didn't say much at the hearing, but I watched the judge. He'll approve us."

  "I'm glad you're so optimistic," he muttered.

  "It was so clear how much you love him," she said gently. "No one could miss it. And I'm sure the social worker knows how attached Rafael is to you."

  "Bad things happen, Janie," he whispered. "Sometimes for no reason at all. We both know that. I can't afford to hope."

  "Then I'll do the hoping for both of us." She reached out to touch his arm, then pulled back her hand at the last minute. "Rafael belongs with you, Ben. And everyone, from the judge to the social worker, will see that."

  "We'll find out in a week, won't we?"

  She leaned against the house and gave him a serene smile. "In a week you'll find out that I was right." She stood up and said, "I'm going to check on Rafael. Why don't we take him on a picnic this afternoon?"

  "What about your sister?"

  "Amy will be fine by herself." Janie grinned suddenly, and his heart turned over in his chest. "She can go down to Heaven for dinner. I've got to drum up business somehow."

  * * *

  Rafael enjoyed the picnic, but it was hell for Ben. They went into the mountains, staying away from the Red Rock. There were too many memories there. Every time he watched Janie with Rafael, he wanted to beg her to stay. And every time she glanced over at him, he remembered everything they had shared the last time they were in the mountains.

  Janie had said she wanted to stay, but he was afraid it was her gratitude speaking. And he would never keep her with him because of gratitude. So he watched her play with Rafael, watched her smile and laugh and run, and felt his heart contracting in his chest.

  He had hungered for her before she'd been free, wanted her when she was still imprisoned in her fear and dread. Now she was a different woman, open and laughing, allowing herself to show the caring, loving side of her nature. And all the barriers in his heart tumbled to her feet

  The irony wasn't lost on him. When she'd been living in fear, she was bound to him with the chains of that fear. Now, when she was free to do whatever she wanted, she was also free to leave him. And he was powerless to stop her.

  He wouldn't stop her, even if he could. He owed her too much. And he was too afraid that Janie's sense of obligation would keep her with him.

  So he watched Janie and Rafael, refusing to listen to his heart. His heart told him they could be a family like this forever, but he was afraid to believe it Afraid that if he reached out to grasp happiness, it would be snatched away from him.

  "It's about time to head back to town," he finally said. "You have school tomorrow, buddy."

  "Just a few more minutes?" Rafael pleaded.

  The whine in Rafael's voice brought a smile to Janie's face, which she quickly hid. Ben felt his heart twist in his chest. Rafael was acting like a normal child in a normal family. How many times had Robbie begged for just a few more minutes? "Two minutes," he said. "Then we have to go."

  A grin split Rafael's face, then he and Janie headed for the cliffs. As far as Ben could tell, he was reenacting the night that Ben had found him in the mountains. A night that had changed his life.

  * * *

  An hour later Rafael and Amy's kids were in bed and the three adults sat in the living room. Wordlessly, Ben thanked God for Amy's presence. It masked some of the tension that simmered between him and Janie. Then Amy turned to face Janie.

  "The kids and I are going home tomorrow."

  "It seems like you just got here," Janie protested.

  Amy reached over and squeezed her hand. "I know. But now we can visit any time. You and Ben have to concentrate on Rafael. Whatever happens with the adoption hearing, it's going to be an emotional week for all of you. You need to be a family without worrying about guests."

  "We'll come and visit you." Janie leaned forward. "Are you moving back to Chicago?"

  Slowly Amy shook her head. "I don't think so. We all like St. Louis. We've made friends, and I like my job there." She flashed a smile. "And we're closer to Utah."

  Her words shot a tiny pain through Ben's chest. Janie might not be in Utah for much longer. Then Amy spoke again.

  "What about you? Are you going to open up a landscape design business?"

  Janie shook her head. "No, Heaven on Seventh is all I can handle." A wistful look crossed her face. "Although I may build a greenhouse one day."

  "A greenhouse in the desert?" Amy laughed. "Isn't that like growing orchids in the Arctic?"

  "Not at all. With a greenhouse, I could control the humidity and grow a lot of plants that wouldn't make it in Cameron." She shrugged. "But that's a long way off. I don't have the time or money right now."

  Ben watched the disappointment flicker across Janie's face, then disappear. An idea slowly took hold, and he silently blessed Amy for her question.

  Amy gave them a pointed look. "Are you two going to bed so I can get some sleep?" She gestured to the couch, which pulled out into a bed. "You're sitting on my bed."

  Ben caught Janie's almost i
mperceptible stiffening, but he tried to ignore it. "We'll get out of your way, Amy." He searched for an excuse to leave the house until Janie was asleep, but couldn't find one. Devlin had given him the day off, and there was no excuse to go down to the office. And it was past closing time for Heaven on Seventh, so he couldn't make an excuse to close up Janie's restaurant, either.

  Janie stood and looked over at him. "Ready, Ben?"

  No, he wasn't ready. But he stood up anyway. "Good night, Amy."

  "'Night, Ben." She looked over at Janie and grinned. "'Night, sis. Sleep tight."

  "What did she mean by that smirk?" he demanded as soon as the bedroom door closed behind him and Janie.

  She gave him a weary smile. "Don't pay any attention to Amy. She's hopelessly romantic. She's noticed that we've been avoiding going to bed at the same time, and she's trying to throw us together."

  "You go ahead and go to sleep. I'll read for a while," he said stiffly.

  "Don't be ridiculous, Ben. It's not as if we haven't slept together before this. You're dead tired." She gave him a weary, defeated look. "Don't worry. I can control myself."

  But could he? Ever since they'd come back from the mountains, he had avoided going to bed at the same time as Janie. He was afraid he'd reach for her, spinning one more tie that would bind her to him. And, God forbid, what if she got pregnant? He couldn't bear to picture Janie desperate and trapped in a pregnancy she didn't want.

  "Go ahead and get ready for bed." He looked around for the book he'd been reading, desperate for any distraction. By the time he joined her, he hoped she'd be sound asleep.

  He lingered as long as possible, then slipped into the bed as silently as he could. She was motionless on the far edge of the mattress, but she wasn't sleeping. Tension pulsed from her, rolling over him in waves. The air between them crackled with it.

  He ached to pull her against him, to hold her tightly and feel her fail asleep in his arms. Hell, he ached to do a lot more than that. But he was determined to do the right thing by Janie, the honorable thing. And the right thing wasn't making love to her again. The right thing was giving her the space she needed to make a decision.

  So he closed his eyes and tried to ignore the tension. But it was a long time before be finally relaxed into sleep.

  * * *

  The next morning, Janie woke stiff and uncomfortable. She'd clung to the edge of the bed, afraid to make any contact at all with Ben. She didn't want to feel him flinch away from her, like he'd done a couple of nights ago.

  Amy and Beth and Cal were leaving today, she thought with a wisp of relief. As much as she loved her sister, she was glad they were leaving. She and Ben wouldn't be able to work anything out as long as they had guests staying in the house. And she didn't want anyone around when they heard the decision from the judge.

  She managed to keep up a cheerful front until they waved goodbye to Amy as she drove off in her rental car. When the sedan disappeared around the corner, Janie slumped back against the railing of the porch.

  "Thank goodness they're gone."

  Ben spun around to stare at her. "I thought you were enjoying Amy's visit."

  "I was. I had to see them. Until last week, I didn't even know if she and the kids were still alive. But now we need to be alone."

  She felt Ben's sudden tension. "Why is that, Janie?"

  "Because of Rafael, of course." She turned to stare at him. "Don't you think the next week is going to be hard for him?"

  "Yeah," he muttered. "I didn't think you were talking about Rafael."

  She took a deep breath. "Maybe we should talk about us. Rafael is in school, and they're not expecting me down at the restaurant. You're working the afternoon shift, so we have plenty of time to get things hashed out."

  "Is that what you want to do, hash things out?"

  "It would be better than the tension that's been sucking all the air out of the house," she retorted.

  "Fine. What happens if the judge says we can't adopt Rafael?"

  "Then we appeal, just like you said yesterday." Her answer was immediate.

  "That means that you're stuck in this marriage for an indefinite length of time."

  Janie's heart felt like it stopped for a moment, then it started again with a swift, painful surge. "Is that what you think? That I'm stuck in this marriage?"

  "That was our deal," he answered, his voice stiff.

  She should tell him how she felt. Now was the time to tell him that she wanted to stay in this marriage forever, that she wasn't looking for a way out. But she couldn't bring herself to say the words. She saw the fear on Ben's face, and she knew how he felt about being married again. She didn't want Ben to feel obligated to stay married. Because a marriage of obligation was the worst hell she could imagine.

  She couldn't tell him that she loved him. She couldn't trap him like that. Ben was an honorable man. And he would do the honorable thing. He wouldn't divorce her, wouldn't leave her. And both of them would slowly wither and die. He would smother under the weight of her hopes. And she would shrivel into a bitter woman in a loveless, sterile marriage.

  "I guess we need to wait until we find out what the judge has to say." But she knew what the judge was going to say. He was going to approve their petition to adopt Rafael. She had seen it in his eyes. "In the meantime, we need to make sure Rafael knows that we love him."

  The coldness gradually faded from Ben's eyes. "That's not going to be hard."

  "At least now you'll admit that you love him." She couldn't stop herself from pointing that out to him. She'd thought it was a good sign, when he'd talked about his love for Rafael at the hearing. But it didn't seem to have spilled over into the rest of Ben's life.

  "He needs for me to love him. I saw that when we came down the mountain after we caught Turnbull. He needed me then, and I realized that I needed him."

  "Thank goodness for that. I saw from the very beginning that you loved him."

  "You've seen a lot from the beginning, haven't you, Janie?" He finally looked at her, and she saw a spark of warmth in his eyes. He could afford it, she told herself harshly. She'd made it clear she wasn't going to press him to stay married to her.

  "Yes. I may not have interacted with a lot of people in Cameron over the past three years, but I watched everything. It's amazing what you can learn by watching."

  "What are you going to do now?"

  "You mean with the restaurant?"

  He nodded.

  "The same thing I've always done." She shrugged and looked out into the yard, then swallowed the lump in her throat. She had had such wonderful plans for landscaping the yard of this house. "The new cook Jim West is working out great, so I won't have to be there every minute that the restaurant is open. I'll have more free time. And now that I don't have to worry about Turnbull, I'll spend it getting to know my neighbors."

  "What about what your sister said about a landscape design business?"

  She shrugged. "I'll see how Jim works out in the long-term. I still don't think I'll have the time to do both." When she'd told Amy she didn't have time for another business, she'd still been hoping that she'd have a family to care for. Now maybe she'd want another business to fill all the empty hours.

  "Are you going to build a greenhouse?"

  She forced a smile on to her face. "That was a pipe dream, Ben. I don't have the money for a greenhouse. And I don't have the time to build one, either. Amy was right, I guess. A greenhouse in the desert would be foolish."

  He leaned against the railing and stared into the distance. "How are we going to get through the next week?" She saw the agony on his face and wasn't sure if he'd meant to speak out loud.

  "Just like we've gotten through the past weeks." Her heart contracted as she saw his fear of losing Rafael. "We stick to our schedule, work, help Rafael with his homework, and pretend like nothing is different. That's the best thing we can do for him."

  "Thank God for your strength, Janie." Again, she wasn't sure if she was supposed t
o hear his words.

  "I'm drawing my strength from you. He's all you've cared about from the beginning. You've made huge sacrifices for him, in order to keep him. You don't know how that humbles me."

  "They weren't all sacrifices," he said, turning to her again.

  * * *

  The week flew by, and every day that passed ratcheted up Ben's fear and apprehension. Surely, if the answer was yes, they would have heard by now. He couldn't bear to say anything to Janie, but he saw his fear echoed in her eyes. By the time a week had passed, the tension in the house was at an almost unbearable level.

  Ten days after the hearing, the doorbell rang just as they were finishing dinner. When he opened the door and saw Rafael's social worker, he froze. For a moment he wanted to slam the door closed, to lock it and pretend she wasn't there. He'd never had Janie's optimism that the court would approve their petition. But he couldn't delay the inevitable, so he opened the door and stepped aside so the social worker could enter.

  Janie came into the room and saw the social worker. Her face paled, but she said, "Let me take Rafael over to the neighbor's. I'll be right back."

  Ben stiffly offered the woman coffee, and when she refused, they sat in a tense silence until Janie slipped into the room. She sat close to him on the couch, and he reached for her hand without thinking. She twined her fingers with his and held on. Her hand felt as cold as the lump in his chest.

  Slowly the woman smiled. "Your petition to adopt the minor child known as Rafael, no last name, has been approved. There will be a six-month waiting period, and you'll be subject to random, unannounced home visits during that time, but that's a formality. We'll see you in court in six months for final approval."

  Janie gripped Ben's hand tightly. Ben felt tears gathering in his throat and swallowed hard to dislodge them. Rafael was officially their child. No one could take him away. He was safe in Cameron.

  The social worker stood up. "I imagine you'll want to tell your son as soon as possible, so I'll be on my way," she said briskly. Then she gave them a smile filled with genuine warmth. "I want you to know that I'm personally thrilled with the outcome of this case. The boy belongs with you."