She slipped out the door, and there was silence in the house for a long moment. Then Janie turned to him and wrapped her arms around him.
"You did it, Ben," she whispered. "You won. Rafael is yours now."
He tightened his arms around her. "We won, Janie. It wouldn't have happened without you. And he's not just mine. He's ours."
* * *
Chapter 17
«^
Janie trembled in his arms for a moment, then she pulled away. Her eyes were glittering with unshed tears, but a smile trembled on her mouth. "I'll go get him so we can tell him the good news."
Moments later she was back with Rafael. The boy looked at him with uncertain eyes, and Janie urged him forward. "Ben has something he wants to tell you," she said gently.
Rafael stepped into the circle of his arm, and Ben swept him onto his lap. "We have good news, buddy. The judge said we can adopt you. So we're officially your parents now, and you are our son. You're never going to have to leave us."
Rafael smiled, his face radiant with joy. "Never, ever?" he whispered.
"Never. You can't get away now."
The boy threw his arms around Ben's neck and hugged him tightly. Ben buried his face in Rafael's hair and inhaled deeply, the familiar scent filling him with love. Rafael was already his son, but now it was official.
Rafael turned to Janie and hugged her, then he drew back and looked at them, a worried look on his face. "What do I call you now?" he asked.
"What do you want to call us, Rafael?" Janie asked gently.
"You're my parents now, aren't you?" he whispered.
"Absolutely." Ben tightened his arm around the boy. "Then could I call you Mom and Dad?" Ben was speechless for a moment as his throat tightened again. Finally he was able to say, "We would like that, son."
"And what will my name be?" the boy asked. "Rafael Jackson. How do you like the sound of that?" Rafael ducked his head and fiddled with a button on Ben's shirt. He didn't say anything for a long time. Finally he said, "I like that. But Rafael's not my real name."
Ben held his breath. "Do you want to tell us your real name, son?"
Rafael nodded, then took a trembling breath. "My real name is Alejandro Fuertes."
Janie slid closer and took Rafael's hand. "That's a lovely name. Do you want us to call you Alejandro?"
Rafael shook his head vigorously. "No. I want my name to be Rafael Jackson."
"Then that's what it'll be." Ben felt Rafael relax slightly in his lap. Pulling him closer, he said softly, "Do you want to tell us about what happened in San Rafael?"
For a moment the boy froze. Then slowly he nodded.
"You don't have to tell us, Rafael," Janie said. "It's not going to change anything."
"I want to." The boy's voice was barely above a whisper. "The soldiers came to my house. They asked my papa about my uncle, and they were yelling. Then they killed my mama and my papa and my sister. They were looking for me." Ben felt the boy's tears soaking into his shirt, and he smoothed one hand over his head.
"But you got away," he murmured.
"I hid. There was a place in the wall where my papa kept his money. It was very small, and I was almost too big to fit. But when she heard the soldiers coming, my mama pushed me into the space and told me to be very quiet. Mama hid my sister in a different place, but the soldiers found her."
Ben looked at Janie, horrified by the child's story. He saw sympathy and a fierce protectiveness in her eyes as she stroked the boy's hand. "You were very brave, Rafael."
"I stayed hidden for a long time." He began to cry again. "The leader of the soldiers was yelling at the other ones, telling them to find me. They were in my house for a long time, then they finally left. I was afraid to come out."
"Not only were you brave, you were smart." Ben kissed Rafael's tear-stained cheek. "How did you get to Cameron?"
"When I came out of the hiding place, I ran to my neighbor's house and told her what happened. She was afraid, too. But she told me I had to find a man named Miguel and how to find him. I was scared to go back into my house, but I was more scared to leave." He clutched at Ben's shirt. "I took my mama's shawl, and my sister's hair comb, and my papa's shaving mug. And I took a piece of the blanket that was on my bed. Then I looked for Miguel. It took a long time, but I found him. Miguel brought me to the house near Shea and Jesse."
"And now you're here with us. You'll be safe in Cameron, Rafael. No one will hurt you here."
"I know." The boy drooped against him, and Ben realized that telling his story had taken an emotional toll on him.
He leaned back and held the boy, murmuring to him and stroking his back until Rafael relaxed. He carried him into his bedroom and tucked him into his bed. When he returned to the living room, Janie's eyes still reflected her shock and horror at Rafael's story.
"Is he asleep?"
Ben nodded. "He didn't move when I put him to bed." He shoved his hands into his pockets. "What can we do?"
"We can't do anything about what happened in San Rafael. We can only thank God that he was smart enough to get out of the country." Janie looked thoughtful. "I think the leader of the rebels was named Fuertes. I wonder if Rafael's father was a relative. We can do some checking and find out. Rafael will probably want to know about his family when he gets older."
Ben nodded, still numbed by the horrors Rafael had confided. "I know a therapist in St. George. When he's ready, Rafael should probably see her."
"He'll need to talk to a therapist to work through his grief and his guilt," Janie agreed. "I'm glad you know someone."
He wanted to gather Janie close, to ease the pain in her eyes, but he didn't dare. He was afraid that one touch, one taste of her would shatter his self-control. He ached to hold her again, to feel her responsiveness when he kissed her.
So he stepped back and said gruffly, "It's been a long day. I'll go down to Heaven and make sure that Jim gets it closed. Go on to bed."
Janie watched him with sad resignation in her eyes. "Good night, Ben."
She turned and walked into their bedroom and quietly closed the door. He wanted to follow her, wanted to have the right to lay her down and make love to her all night.
But he couldn't.
He'd vowed to give her the space she needed to make a decision about her future. Now that Rafael's future was assured, Janie could decide what she wanted to do.
But there would be nothing wrong with giving her an incentive to stay in Cameron, he thought suddenly. He stood in the living room and thought about the idea that had just occurred to him. No, there would be nothing wrong with making Cameron a little more attractive to Janie.
He turned and hurried out of the house, but for the first time since he'd heard her identify herself as Mary Frances, some of the chill began to thaw.
* * *
Janie woke up the next morning to find that Ben had already disappeared. And he'd taken Rafael with him. On this bright and sunny Saturday, the quiet of the house grated on her nerves. She felt like an intruder wandering around the empty rooms. Ben had left a note, saying that he'd taken Rafael on an errand, and she wondered when they'd be back.
When she realized she was sitting at the kitchen table, holding the note and staring at nothing, she told herself sharply not to be an idiot. She got ready for work and went down to Heaven on Seventh.
Everybody, from the waitresses to her new cook, wanted to rehash the events that had taken place in the last couple of weeks. Her first instinct was to run and hide in the kitchen, but then she realized she never had to hide again. So instead she sat down with a mug of coffee and spent the morning talking to her neighbors.
By the time she got home, Ben and Rafael had returned. Rafael came bounding out of the house.
"Hi, Mom."
Her heart turned over in her chest and she hugged him tightly. "Hi, yourself. Where have you been?"
He gave her a wide grin, and she didn't see any of the shadows that had filled his eyes the night before.
Was it really that easy to banish the ghosts? She didn't think so, but apparently Rafael had a good start.
"I can't tell you. Dad says it's a secret."
Dad. She swallowed once, hard, as Rafael grinned at her happily. Then Ben came out the door.
"How're you doing, Dad?" she asked him.
His eyes softened and lingered on Rafael. "Still having a hard time believing it's true." Then he looked at her. "Where did you go this morning?"
"Down to Heaven. I wanted to see how things were going."
"And is everything going smoothly?"
"Too smoothly," she said ruefully. "I'm not sure I need to go back."
"You're the heart of that restaurant, Janie. Things will start to fall apart without you."
"How about you?" she asked. "I asked Rafael where you were, and he said it was a secret." She couldn't quite hide the hurt in her voice.
He ruffled Rafael's hair. "I told him it was a surprise, not a secret."
"Oh." She wasn't sure what to say, but apparently there was some father-son bonding going on. So she plastered a smile on her face and said, "What are we going to do for the rest of the day?"
"Rafael and I have some plans, don't we, buddy?" Ben said.
Rafael nodded vigorously. "We have things to do."
"Okay," Janie said after a moment. "I guess I'll go back to the restaurant. It's about time I got back to work."
She hadn't been able to make her voice casual enough. Ben looked over at her. "Is something wrong?"
"Of course not." She swallowed. "You and Rafael need to spend some time together. Come on over to the restaurant for dinner."
"We'll see you there."
They went into the house together, giggling and whispering, and Janie felt like a door had just been shut in her face. She stared at the house for a moment, fighting the urge to run inside and break down the barriers that Ben had erected around his heart. But instead she turned and headed back to Heaven on Seventh. She wouldn't have a confrontation with Ben in front of Rafael.
There wasn't any time to talk to Ben during the next week, either. When he wasn't working, he was with Rafael. And when he wasn't working or with Rafael, he disappeared, sometimes for hours.
Her heart ached. He seemed to be doing everything he could to avoid her. They hadn't even had a real conversation since they'd found out they could adopt Rafael. Janie was beginning to think that she had been deceiving herself, that she hadn't seen caring and love in Ben's eyes. Maybe she should have believed him when he told her that theirs would never be more than a marriage of convenience.
Her pride urged her to leave, to wrap the remains of her dignity around her and move back to her own house. But she couldn't do that. Rafael's trust was too tentative, too new to do anything that might shatter it. She might not be a wife to Ben, but she could be a mother to Rafael.
She wasn't sure how long she could stay in the house, living with Ben, and not break. She needed to talk to him, to ask him point-blank what he wanted her to do, but he seemed to be avoiding her. He was certainly not giving her any opportunities for a frank discussion.
Finally, Saturday evening, she knew she couldn't take it any longer. She felt brittle, as if the slightest touch would shatter her. When Rafael went to bed, she and Ben were going to talk.
But when she got home from the restaurant, neither Ben nor Rafael was in the house. There was no note, nothing that would explain their absence. Desolate tears filled her eyes and swelled in her throat, and she buried her face in her hands and let herself cry.
After a long time her sobs trailed off and, drained and empty, she stumbled into her bedroom and curled up on top of the quilt. She would talk to Ben when he got home, she told herself, but the emotional storm had exhausted her. She fell into a restless sleep haunted by wrenching dreams.
When she woke the next morning, she found that Ben had tucked her into the bed and carefully covered her with the blankets. She rolled over, but his side of the bed was empty. Hurrying through the house, she found that Ben and Rafael had already left.
Instead of the tears of the night before, anger began to stir. Was Ben running away because he didn't have the nerve to face her and tell her how he felt? Was he trying to drive her away?
She stared out the window at the barren yard surrounding the house, the yard that she'd had such plans for. She'd had big plans for their marriage, too, she thought. She'd already given up on the yard. Was she going to give up on their marriage?
"No, I'm not."
Her words were startlingly loud in the empty house, but she didn't care. She moved closer to the window and looked at the red dirt that bordered the house, looked at the clumps of grass that clung to life in the yard. Ben might not want to admit that he felt anything for her, but she wasn't going to let him drive her away.
She would stay and fight for this marriage, fight for Ben's love. Because she did love him, and nothing would ever change that. She could retire in defeat to her own house and live out a sterile existence there, sharing custody of Rafael with Ben, or she could face down Ben's demons and help him drive them away.
Suddenly energized, she threw on some clothes and hurried down to Heaven on Seventh. After checking in with Phyllis and Jim, she hurried home, thinking about what she wanted to say to Ben. When she got there, she found him and Rafael waiting for her.
The boy was practically dancing from foot to foot. "We got a surprise for you," he yelled the minute she walked in the door.
She squatted down to face him. "What kind of surprise?"
"You have to come with us." Rafael beamed at her.
Slowly she stood up and looked at Ben. He watched her carefully, anxious anticipation in his eyes. And underneath it, she thought she saw hope. Her heart began to pound. "What's going on, Ben?"
"Just like Rafael said, it's a surprise. Can you come with us?"
Her heart thudded against her ribs as she nodded, her movements jerky and stiff. "I'm not going into the restaurant today."
Ben seemed to relax a little. "Good. Let's go, then."
They got into Ben's truck, Rafael squeezing into the middle of the bench seat in front. No one said anything as they drove out of town, but she could see that Rafael was bursting to tell her the surprise.
"Does this have anything to do with you two being gone for the last week?" Janie finally asked.
Rafael nodded vigorously. "We worked and worked. And now it's…"
Ben laid his hand on Rafael's leg and shot him a warning glance. "What did we talk about, buddy?"
"We can't blab." He subsided for a moment, then began bouncing on the seat again. "We're almost there," he squeaked.
"We're turning into the Red Rock," Janie said, realizing where they were.
"I needed some land for this surprise," Ben finally said. "Dev and Shea let me use the ranch."
Mystified, Janie watched as Ben drove away from the house and finally pulled into a tiny meadow. There, in the middle of the field, stood a small greenhouse.
"What's that?" she gasped.
Ben made no effort to get out of the truck. "It's for you," he said, watching her. "You said you wanted a greenhouse."
"Come and look, Mom." Rafael tugged at her hand, and she let him pull her out of the truck. She heard Ben right behind them.
Rafael opened the door carefully, and she followed him inside. The greenhouse wasn't big, but there were tables set up at the perfect working height, already filled with rich, black dirt. A watering can and tools were laid out neatly on a workbench.
She felt her eyes swimming with tears as she turned to Ben. "It's wonderful," she whispered. "Why did you do this?"
"I know how much you miss your plants. I wanted to give you something that you loved."
Rafael darted out the door and ran to roll in the leaves that had fallen from the trees. She didn't even glance at him. He would be safe in the tiny meadow. "The greenhouse is perfect. And I love it already."
She looked over at Ben and saw the uncert
ainty in his eyes, and she saw the hope again. And suddenly she understood.
Ben was a man who had been hurt before, a man who had his love for his family thrown back into his face. He'd vowed never to love again. The greenhouse was his way of saying that he loved her.
She turned to face him. Gathering her courage, she took his hands. "I love the greenhouse, Ben. There isn't anything I wanted more, except you. I love you, Ben. I've loved you for a long time. There will never be anyone but you. You didn't have to build this greenhouse for me. I was never going anywhere."
"You don't know what you're saying, Janie." He gripped her hands. "You have your life back now. You can do anything you want to do. I don't want to tie you down here in Cameron."
"Who says I'd be tied down?" She reached out and touched his cheek, loving the feel of his stubbly beard. "Cameron is my home. You and Rafael are my family. I love you."
He closed his eyes and reached for her. When he pulled her against him, the chill that had filled her for the past week slowly disappeared. "I don't deserve you, Janie. But I love you, too. I never thought I'd say that again. I didn't want to fall in love, but you're everything I want."
"I've wanted you ever since that night we spent together five months ago. But I was afraid for you, so I stayed away."
"And I was afraid of my feelings for you. I didn't want to need you. But I did."
He bent his head to kiss her, and passion flared between them. She hungered to taste him, to touch him, to join her body with his. His hands clenched on her hips, pulling her closer, and she arched into him. He trailed his mouth over her face and her neck, his hand trailing behind, as if he couldn't get enough of her.
He groaned and lifted his head. "I don't know if I can wait until tonight."
"Me, either." She kissed him again, pouring her heart and soul into the kiss, allowing herself to express all she felt for him. When he kissed her back with an almost desperate desire, she lost herself in his passion.
But Ben pulled away, leaning his forehead against hers. "Rafael is here," he gasped. "If I keep kissing you, I won't be able to stop."
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 21