“Two old guys is right. I’ll find it.” They let out a hearty laugh as Rex took the lead, Paul and Sam following close behind. Rex had been studying the wall like a scholar devouring a five-hundred-year-old manuscript. He calculated the location of Dr. Shapiro’s name, marched past five panels, counted the dots, up, down, left, and right, and within minutes found the line with his name indelibly etched for the ages. “Here, Dad. I found him! Who was he, anyway?”
“He’s the reason I was on the same plane home with your uncle. He’s the reason I met your mother, and without him, you wouldn’t be here.”
Rex was perplexed. His father’s answer didn’t seem to tell him much, other than they knew him in Vietnam. “Well—” Rex started, but was silenced when his mother and the rest of the family approached to watch.
Paul and Sam collected themselves and with unified steps, walked toward one another, stopped, turned, and faced the spot on the wall bearing the name of Dr. Leonard Shapiro. Rex was mesmerized by the scene unfolding in front of him as he waited to see what the men would do next. Standing tall, shoulders tight, arms straight, flat at their sides, and fingers pointing to the ground, they simultaneously raised their arms to their brows in one crisp motion. Sam seemed unconcerned with his missing right hand, long since becoming used to the hook that replaced it. They stood motionless, holding the salute, turning to one another before releasing their hands to their sides. Rex watched breathlessly from the sidelines. He had never been as proud of his father as he was in that moment. One day—one day, he would make sure the whole world knew that they all mattered.
Chapter 30
“Hey, Mama, What’s happening?” Rex startled Elizabeth as she finished the morning dishes at the well-worn cast-iron sink. A high school senior, now six inches taller than his mother, Rex always came into the room with the same greeting.
“What’s happening, you ask? Well, I’m doing the dishes, as you can see, wishing I had a dishwasher, and getting ready to head off to work.” Lingering for a moment, Elizabeth knew Rex was about to ask her something, or needed money, or wanted to go surfing instead of going to class. Just like his father had been, it was hard to keep Rex away from the water when the waves beckoned, even on school days. Elizabeth half expected a phone call once a week, letting her know her son had been tardy to class, and that he would need to show up for Saturday school or face a failing grade. Somehow or another, Rex always managed to make up the work and though hardly graduating with honors, was granted admission to a state school in San Diego, with no problem staying close to home.
Most kids his age were clamoring to get away, and Elizabeth was convinced Lily would be one of those, but Rex took everything in stride and accepted life as it was thrown at him. Not the type to get excited, he nonetheless looked forward to a more adult campus and putting some distance between him and his family. Secretly he hoped to be relieved of the pain of watching his father’s behavior become more and more erratic. He was ready to go. Choosing political science as a major seemed an unlikely endeavor, but Rex was never one to give anything away. An observer his whole life, he was mum, even as a child, whenever someone asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. “It’s a surprise,” he would respond, and no one was more surprised than his parents when he announced his college plans. Whether or not he always knew, or it was simply a decision driven by the urgency to pick a major, his parents secretly felt that one day their son would have something very significant to say.
“So you’re going to be governor of California one day, right, Son?”
“Something like that,” Rex responded, as he segued into what he really wanted to ask his mother.
“Mama,” he began again. “Last week of high school, perfect weather for the month of June. I was wondering if I could ask some friends to a party sometime next week. I promise I’ll help Dad with the yard, I’ll be around to clean up, and no alcohol, promise. Just want to get everyone together one more time, maybe a bonfire, chips, hot dogs, cookies, some soft drinks.”
“How many?” Elizabeth actually thought it was a great idea and was already missing the activity that would be absent from the house once Rex left for school in the fall.
“Maybe around forty, mostly kids you’ll know. Of course Julia, and she said she’d help with anything you needed.” Julia was Rex’s high school sweetheart. He’d met the pretty tall blonde his junior year, and they’d been going steady ever since. The couple had managed to avoid the pitfalls of so many high school sweethearts—unintended pregnancy, teenage drama, slumping grades. She was from a lovely family and had two little brothers who kept an eye on the couple when they were alone watching TV in her family den. Like Rex, she would be going to San Diego State University, and like Elizabeth had done so many years ago, she would major in education.
“I think that would be fun, and I know your Dad will agree. He will need help, though. His meds are having some unpleasanat side effects and he’s groggy a lot. He can’t seem to keep up the pace like he used to, so I’ll be counting on you to help me prepare. I’m sure Lily and Julia will help me with the food.”
“I’ll help with everything, promise.”
“I miss you already, my boy,” and Elizabeth threw her arms around his waist, feeling the warmth and protection of having a man-child in the house. “Go, get to school, take your sister, and I’ll see you two later tonight.”
A party is just what this house needs, Elizabeth thought, as she rushed out the door to another unfulfilling workday of shuffling papers, answering phones, and listening to customer complaints. Not what she had ever dreamt her life would be.
)
Even though the forecast for the week had mentioned rain, there was nothing but sunshine on the day of the party. Rex’s classmates had spent hours planning their futures, and even though they had the rest of the summer, were restless to get away and be on their own for the first time. Elizabeth was a little jealous of what lay ahead for Rex. She sometimes felt she had been robbed of a childhood, high school friends, and an easy path to college. The thought was fleeting as she reminded herself how happy she was for her son, and how proud she was of Paul and herself for being able to provide opportunities not afforded to either of them at that age. Even though the household would never be the same, and Lily was trailing very closely behind her big brother, she had reason to celebrate her son’s entry into the next four years of college life.
“I need you and a few of your friends to man the barbecue, Rex.” Elizabeth passed Rex a platter of hot dogs and hamburgers, while Lily and Julia were setting out the food on rented picnic tables, filling ice buckets, making lemonade, and setting chairs around a fire ring quickly constructed by Paul and Rex the day before—and sneaking a taste of the frosted cupcakes that were meant as a farewell dessert. Elizabeth had decorated them in the school colors, matching the red and gold, and crowning each with a sugar flower, made more for looks than eating. Irresistible to Lily and Rex the night before, she cautioned them not to touch. “You two are like a couple of toddlers. No sticking your fingers in the frosting!” Elizabeth smiled at the memory.
Arriving in couples and small groups, Rex’s friends made themselves at home, digging into chips and dip, filling up on hamburgers and hot dogs. Rex had transformed the lonesome, unmanicured dirt in the back portion of the yard into an instant dance floor. Weeds had been pulled, gopher holes filled, and strings of lights were creating a warm glow from one end of the yard to the other. As the sun set, the music got louder, the flames from the fire ring grew, and Elizabeth was sure the neighbors could hear the party up and down the block. You could almost touch the energy and anticipation. Her heart was full as she took a few more moments to glance around the yard before retreating inside for the rest of the evening.
Her elation was short lived. Moving toward the living room to share some quiet time with Paul, she saw her husband, head down, sobbing, waving his arms, huddled in the corner of the living room. When Elizabeth realized Pau
l was having another break, she hated herself for thinking more of how it was going to affect Rex and Lily in front of their friends than feeling the empathy called for at this moment. Before she could reach over to him, Rex wandered in with Julia, teasing, poking, giggling their way into the living room to ask his mother where the marshmallows were. They stopped short at the unfolding scene. Speaking with an abruptness that caught Elizabeth off guard, Rex froze in his tracks and shielded Julia from seeing his father.
“What the hell? Mom, do something! It’s not enough we’re all on pins and needles when we’re alone, but I’ll never hear the end of this if Dad comes out in the backyard with the claw hammer he sleeps with by his chair! Does he think he’s protecting us from the Vietcong, or something? He’s gonna be the first line of defense if someone jumps out of the bushes and rushes the front door?” Rex’s face started to turn red with agitation and he cast an irritated look at his father.
Elizabeth motioned for them to leave. “Go back outside, Rex. I’ll take care of this, and no one will ever know. Your dad and I will watch TV in the bedroom. Go back outside, and please, don’t tell Lily. I have it under control.” She willed herself to stay calm and prayed Paul wouldn’t get any worse.
Reaching for Paul and again waving for Rex and Julia to leave, she helped him up from his crouching position in the corner.
With more fury and disgust, Rex grabbed Julia’s hand and exited to the backyard to join the group of friends waiting for marshmallows to roast over the bonfire. Still angry at his father, he turned to Julia, and whispered in her ear, “Don’t you ever tell anyone about this. Do you hear?”
Confused but sympathetic, Julia nodded, and they walked hand in hand toward their friends, keeping the drama unfolding inside the house to themselves. Julia tightened her grip for wordless support and Rex calmed down, knowing inside the house, his mother had it under control.
Walking toward the bedroom together, a safe harbor for the moment, Elizabeth saw Paul clenching and unclenching his fists.
“Everyone calls me sweet. Everyone calls me sensitive. You, everyone I work with, my friends, wherever I go, people think I am sweet, or sensitive. I am neither.” Although muttering under his breath, she could sense the rage behind his words and felt uneasy and sad. Paul continued to follow Elizabeth, but did not take her outstretched hand. Instead, hands still tightly clenched, his countenance changed from his usual calm, passive demeanor to a wide-eyed, frightening grin.
“I’m not sweet. I don’t want anyone to ever call me that again, or use words like kind, peaceful, nice. I’m none of those, and I don’t want anyone ever to describe me like that again!”
Breaking into a sweat, fists still twitching, Elizabeth broke his trance. “Come on, Paul. Let the kids finish their party outside, and you and I’ll watch The Late Night Show together in the bedroom.”
Without a word, Paul followed Elizabeth and collapsed into bed beside her, the laughter of Johnny Carson’s studio audience cutting through the tension. Thank God for Johnny, she thought, as she created a mental picture of their future. “We’ll talk tomorrow.” She touched Paul’s shoulder, watched him relax, and saw his breathing return to normal. He fell into a restful sleep beside her.
)
Rex’s departure was abrupt, unplanned, and angry when he announced he would stay with friends for the summer instead of at home before school started. No one took it well. Paul was especially devastated. In between his bouts of agitation, he tried to talk to his son and apologize for his inabilities and weaknesses, and the sorrow he had bestowed on his family.
Calmer, Rex looked at his father. “Dad . . .” He watched Paul shuffle past him toward the living room and sink into his well-worn recliner. “Dad,” he continued, “I want you to know I don’t blame you for anything. You and Mom have given me a wonderful life and opportunities neither of you ever had, but I need to start my own life. I won’t be far away, and I promise to visit whenever I can come by with Julia for Sunday dinners. I promise to stay in touch. It’s hard for me to watch you now because I’m about the same age you were when you went to Vietnam. I get that, I do, and in a lot of ways, I feel guilty you were there and I am here with a bright future beckoning if I buckle down and make it happen. If I can’t make a success of my life and make you proud, if I can’t become the son you deserve because a life no one deserved was forced on you, I would not have been worth fighting for.”
Paul stood up to face his son. “I went to war so no son of mine would ever have to.” With that, Paul clasped his son’s hand and laying the other on his shoulder, drew him close for a hug. “You take care, Son.” We’ll be here and will always have your back. Your future’s waiting.
Rex returned the hug, holding back tears, and helped his father back into his chair. Huddled by the front door, Elizabeth and Lily watched then walked outside with Rex as he waved one last time to his father and enfolded his mother and sister in a joint hug. With one last wave from the driver’s seat, he backed out of the driveway, and headed down the familiar street of his childhood, on the cusp of becoming a man.
Chapter 31
“Where have you been?” Elizabeth, almost hysterical and running out of patience with her daughter, greeted a surprised Lily at the front door. For the third time in one week, a beleaguered Elizabeth waited up, listening for the noise of a car door in the driveway and the familiar sound of the key in the door, signifying Lily’s late arrival.
“Out, just out. Why do you always have to know where I am? I’m seventeen years old. I’m a big girl, Mom. Besides, it’s summer. It’s no big deal.”
“It is a huge deal, Lily. It’s almost one in the morning and I didn’t get a phone call, a note, nothing to let me know you were all right. You can’t be running around town until all hours, worrying your father and me. My hands are full as it is, my job takes up most of my day, and there’s no one to help when I get home. I’m not asking you not to enjoy your summer, but I need to know you’ll keep curfew and be home by midnight. If you’re late one more time, we’ll have to take the car away and that’s not something we want to do.”
“Oh, I think you would love that. Then you would know where I was every minute. You’d have someone to do the laundry, wash dishes, make dinners, take over your job in the house. Keeping me here is exactly what you want.” Lily’s shrill voice trailed off as she stormed through the house, retreated to her bedroom, and slammed the door behind her.
Elizabeth followed and tapped on Lily’s door.
“Go away.”
Elizabeth hesitated, then knocked again.
“I said go away. I don’t want to talk to you right now. Leave me alone.”
Elizabeth waited and hoped Lily would change her mind. Lily bounded from her bed and opened the door wide enough to see the look of heartache on her mother’s face, but had no intention of permitting her inside. Her face mirrored her thoughts, with clenched jaw and narrowed eyes, and she was determined to end the dialogue.
“One more time.” Lily wedged her foot between the narrow opening of the door and casing. “You’re the reason Dad is getting sicker and sicker. You’re the reason our house isn’t clean enough to have friends over, and you’re the fucking reason why our family is so weird and crazy!”
Lily’s words penetrated Elizabeth’s heart like a bullet. She knew she would not win this battle with her daughter. As she turned to leave, Lily muttered under her breath, “You’ve made Dad weak, passive, and unable to do anything for himself. I want my daddy back!”
I want my Paul back. Elizabeth stopped and turned to face her daughter. Her tone was soft and empathetic, but she struggled to maintain her composure.
“Oh, my girl. You think being loud means you’re strong and being quiet makes you weak? Your father is the strongest man I know—that you will ever know—and his silence is his strength.” Elizabeth, hurt, but triumphant, shut Lily’s door behind her, took the half-empty carton of coffee ice cream from the freezer on th
e way to her room, and went to bed.
)
Paul had nodded off watching a late-night talk show. The doctors’ prescribed medications dulled his mind and he dozed throughout the day, lethargic from the side effects. He found it harder to concentrate at work, and when he was laid off, Elizabeth was forced to find full-time employment to support the family. She suffered in silence with her job at the Department of Motor Vehicles—Customer Service—never ending lines of people and a litany of complaints, the same questions repeated all day, answered with the same short, robotic responses she had memorized. It was dull, she was underpaid and overworked, and she wondered why she had exerted so much effort to obtain her teaching credential. She’d barely used her degree and often felt cheated out of a career because she had to keep the family afloat. Most days Elizabeth could ignore her disillusionment, but tensions between her and Lily, dealing with the ever-growing state of disrepair around the house, and making every effort to keep Paul comfortable was wearing her down.
Paul puttered around the house all day, every day. With all that time on his hands, Elizabeth wondered why the lawn was never mowed, and the dishes and laundry were never done. The house was feeling smaller and tighter with the clutter that was being collected, seemingly on a daily basis. She wanted to ask Paul what he did all day while she was gone, but didn’t want to put any more pressure on his already-delicate psyche. The radio played in one room while the TV battled for attention in another. It was a house of constant motion and noise, played out by characters on a screen and scripted by an invisible force of dysfunction.
“You home, Lily?” Paul wanted to know as soon he had been awakened from sleep. The noise from the skirmish between Elizabeth and Lily had startled him and he directed his question to an empty room. He shuffled through the house and knocked lightly on Lily’s door. Sometimes they talked into the night, long after Elizabeth fell asleep.
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