It was weird being stoned and drunk, standing in a crowded, red-tiled gents full of wild-looking Indians covered in war paint and feathers. Especially when instead of wanting to scalp you, they’d all stand back and bow and let you go first. Brian hosed away, thanked everybody, then went back to the table. As he sat down, Milne looked at his watch.
‘Well, Takatau. It’s hari-kari-oke time,’ he said. ‘Are you ready to do your thing?’
‘Not really,’ said Brian. ‘Listen, Sawi, if I start to make too big a goose of myself, will you cut the music and drag me off?’
‘Ohh yeah. I suppose I can do that. But remember, you are Takatau.’
‘Yeah. But I’ve got a feeling the natives might not be ready for Takatau when he’s full of the goodies and turns into Doc Neeson.’
Milne looked impassively at Brian for a moment then walked over to the DJ stand. He waited for the song to finish and picked up the mike as the dancefloor emptied. Two men and a woman, adorned with beads, feathers and shells, set up seats beneath the DJ booth, holding clipboards and biros as the people in the street moved forward. Milne pushed Bazil to one side, gave the microphone a tap then loosened it from its stand and went into MC mode.
‘Okkaayy music lovers and afficianados of fine entertainment. It’s time for what we’ve all been waiting for. Who is going to be this month’s hari-kari-oke king or queen?’ A cheer went up from the audience. ‘And have we got a show for you tonight. So without any further ado, let’s welcome our first contestant, Jiji from the Kasandra. Jiji is going to do “The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B”. Come on, let’s hear it for Jiji.’
A huge cheer went up from the crowd and a young girl dressed in blue with red and white face paint and feathers stepped up on the dancefloor. Milne had her tape ready. He hit the switch and Jiji started doing her thing. She was good. She boogied and shook and cavorted round the floor and between the crystal clear music and her facial expressions Brian could have sworn she was actually singing the song. He turned to Keleu.
‘Hey, this is great,’ he said, sucking on a strawberry rum punch.
‘Yes,’ agreed Keleu. ‘I once won it.’
‘You did? What did you sing?’
‘“You Can’t Hurry Love”. I am looking forward to seeing you, Brian. You will be good.’
‘Yeah? Don’t be too sure.’
Jiji finished to a big hand from the crowd, and looks of approval from the three judges. Milne handed Jiji back her tape and thanked her.
‘Thank you, Jiji,’ he said into the roving mike. ‘What a girl. What an effort. Now we’ve got Uroosi from the Mwei. Uroosi’s going to do “The Letter”. Joe Cocker, eat your heart out.’
A tall bloke in yellow, also done up in feathers and shells with his face painted green and black, stepped onto the dancefloor. Milne hit the switch and Uroosi did his thing. Between his grimaces and hand movements, he was Joe Cocker. Brian started laughing fit to bust. Uroosi went off to a roar from the crowd and nods of approval from the three judges.
‘Oh yeah,’ said Milne. ‘Great stuff. Thank you, Uroosi.’ Milne put another tape in the cassette. ‘Now we’ve got Opio, also from the Mwei. Opio’s song for the night is “CC Rider”. Come on, let’s hear it for Opio.’
Opio was also dressed in yellow with red and white face paint. He wasn’t very tall but he put everything into it, bouncing around the dancefloor like a rubber ball, and he had Eric Burdon down to a tee, right on cue for the choking little scream halfway through the song. Opio was the best so far, and got a big hand from the crowd and a smile from the judges when he got his tape and walked off.
‘Oh yeah,’ enthused Milne. ‘How about Opio? Got more style than ladies’ day at the spring carnival and more soul than a size twenty gumboot. Now we’ve got Pallani from the Opwuhi. Takatau’s tribe. Pallani’s going to do “Rapture”. And all you Blondie fans out there, dig this coming at you.’ A petite girl with a hot little body and two long black plaits tied with feathers got up. She was wearing all blue and dark blue face paint with red stripes. Milne hit the switch and away she went.
Pallani was even better than Opio. She had great footwork, combined with neat, tight hand movements, and she could shake her moneymaker like nobody’s business. She reminded Brian of a female Ricky Martin and when Pallani got into the rap part of the song, she was sensational. She had Brian searching deep into his addled brain for the words. It was a complete waste of time.
‘I eat Chiko rolls and hula hoops …’
Keleu smiled back, just as wasted. ‘Coconuts and Betty Boops.’
‘That’ll do,’ nodded Brian.
Pallani got the biggest hand of the night. The judges gave her the nod. President Milne was ecstatic.
‘Pallani,’ bubbled Milne, as he handed back her tape and she left to more cheering from the crowd. ‘Was she any good or what? Talk about a hard act to follow. But your ever-lovin’ Sawi is just going to have to do his ever-lovin’ best.’
Milne hit the switch and got down from behind the DJ stand to a cheer from the crowd. He got to the middle of the dancefloor and shaped up in the hunched, irreverent style of Ian Drury just in time to go ‘And I’m Ian. And — guess what?’
Milne was surprisingly good. He must have been watching old videos of Countdown, thought Brian, because he had Ian Drury and the Blockheads down pat. He moved and grooved all round the floor, pulled faces and leered at the crowd. He got a big hand from the audience and a smile from the judges and he definitely had the crowd’s sympathy vote. But Pallani was the one to beat. Milne got back up behind the mike and took a few more bows before he picked up the mike.
‘Well, that’s me,’ he said. ‘And I think we have to agree, in all modesty, we’ve had a star studded lineup tonight. Now it’s time for our special guest contestant. And even though we brought him in at the last moment, he’s not a ring-in. But he’s definitely a swing-in and a zing-in. And a ringa-ding-ding-in. So let’s hear for the man with wings on his feet and springs on his seat. You got it. Takkataauuu.’ There was a massive roar from the crowd. Everybody liked Brian. They knew he could dance. Now they were keen to see him strut his stuff. Milne waited for the noise to subside. ‘Takatau baby. All the way from Australia. And now a fully fledged member of the Opwuhi. Come on — dowwnnnn.’
Brian stood up and smiled around the table. ‘Well. Here I go,’ he said.
‘Good luck, Brian,’ said Keleu.
‘Go get ’em, Takatau,’ said Airu.
‘Yeah. Thanks,’ said Brian. He walked from the VIP area down to the dancefloor accompanied by a ripple of applause from the wildly dressed natives. As he got there, whatever was in the last cone he smoked hit him, and Brian thought he was a brother from a New York ghetto. Milne was about to push the pause button when Brian stepped up in front of the DJ booth. ‘Yo. Sawi,’ he called out, pointing with his little finger on both hands. ‘Before you throw that switch, scratch my itch and slap that bitch. Let me have the mike brother.’
Milne gave Brian a double blink. ‘Takatau. You got it baby,’ he said, handing Brian the mike.
‘Thanks, my man.’ Brian took the mike and looked woozily around the bar. ‘Okay. Listen up dudes. Before the man does his thing. The man’s gonna need something called audience participation.’ Everybody, including the people in the VIP area, exchanged puzzled glances. ‘In other words,’ said Brian. ‘You gotta give ol’ Takatau a helping hand.’
Everybody nodded and there was a collective. ‘Ohhhh.’
‘Right on, cats,’ said Brian. ‘Now in this song there’s a line goes “Am I ever gonna see your face again?”, You know it?’
Everybody nodded and there was a collective. ‘Yeahhh.’
‘Excellent. Now when I sing “Am I ever gonna see your face again?”, I want you all to yell, “No way, get fucked, piss off”.’ Everybody exchanged puzzled glances again. ‘Come on, let me hear you.’
‘No way, get fucked, piss off,’ murmured round the bar.
‘Hey, is
that the way to treat ol’ Takatau in his hour of need? Come on. Let me hear you.’
‘No way, get fucked, piss off.’
‘Come on, louder.’
‘NO WAY, GET FUCKED, PISS OFF,’ roared around the bar.
‘And again.’
‘NO WAY, GET FUCKED, PISS OFF.’
‘Yeah. Lookin’ good,’ said Brian. He turned to Milne poised at the cassette. ‘Okay, Sawi. Load up the wagon. And let’s hope the mule don’t go blind.’
Brian tossed Milne the mike, the President hit the pause button, the familiar twanging guitar riff echoed out of the speakers and Brian hit it.
‘Went down to Santa Fe,
where Renoir paints the walls.
Described you clearly,
but the sky began to fall.
Am I ever gonna see your face again?’
‘NO WAY, GET FUCKED, PISS OFF,’ yelled the crowd.
‘Am I ever gonna see your face again?’
‘NO WAY, GET FUCKED, PISS OFF,’ they all yelled again.
Brian went for it. He mimed the lyrics perfectly, moonwalked, shook one knee like Elvis, waved one arm and heeled and toed across the dancefloor like Elvis. Did a Chuck Berry duck walk. Every time he’d mime, ‘Am I ever gonna see your face again?’ back it would come, louder each time:
‘NO WAY, GET FUCKED, PISS OFF.’
Brian had done it again. The crowd loved him. They were on their feet, screaming. ‘NO WAY, GET FUCKED, PISS OFF.’ Milne was screaming, so was everyone in the VIP area, along with the soldiers working behind the bar and the judges.
Brian dropped to his knees. ‘Am I ever gonna see your face again?’
‘NO WAY, GET FUCKED, PISS OFF.’
Brian twisted his face in anguish. ‘Am I ever gonna see your face again?’
‘NO WAY, GET FUCKED, PISS OFF.’
It was no contest. Takatau had won in a landslide. The song ended and Brian took a well-deserved bow as the applause almost brought the thatched roof down. Even the other contestants applauded. Milne stopped the tape and got on the mike.
‘What can I say,’ he howled. ‘What can any of us say. What an act. What a night. Come on, Takatau, take the winner’s jacket.’
Brian reached up, accepted the yellow top and took the mike. ‘Thank you very, very much,’ he mumbled. ‘But I’m sorry, I can’t accept it.’
‘Ohhhhh.’ A huge sigh went up from the crowd.
‘No,’ said Brian. ‘I had too much help from all you wonderful, beautiful people out there. So I wish to give the winner’s jacket to the little lady with the big heart. Takatau’s choice as winner. Pallani. Come on, Pallani. It’s all yours. You deserve it more than I do.’ Brian got Pallani up out of the crowd, gave her the jacket and kissed her on the cheek, then waved to the people and walked back to the VIP area as the crowd gave them both a standing ovation.
It was a generous gesture and the locals loved it. Everybody was in awe at the table. The women kissed Brian, the chiefs all shook his hand. Milne was gushing into the microphone.
‘Never, ever have we seen anything like that at the Key Bar,’ he spoke. ‘Now you know why he’s Takatau and why Sawi asked him to visit us. That will go down in Lan Laroi folklore. He is a legend beyond legend. Hallelujah, brothers and sisters.’ Milne let the cheering die down. ‘Allrigghhhtttt. We’ve got another two hours of rocking at the Key Bar yet. So let’s hit the floor with a roar, that’s what we’re here for, and we’ll be back for more. And let’s all do it to Pallani’s song, “Raaaapture”.’ Milne hit the pause button, the dancefloor filled with people and he walked back to the VIP area.
‘Mate,’ he said, shaking Brian’s hand before he sat down. ‘What a great thing to do. You are truly the chosen one. And what a performance. You killed ’em.’
Brian had a sip of rum punch and shook his head. ‘I don’t know what got into me,’ he said. A huge joint went past. ‘I think that had something to do with it.’ Brian turned to his right; Keleu was tugging at his T-shirt.
‘A dance, Brian?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, all right, Keleu. Why not.’
Brian and Keleu hit the floor and finished up with Pallani and her dance partner miming the last of ‘Rapture’. Pallani was wearing her winner’s jacket and looking at Brian as if he was the greatest thing since seedless watermelon. Brian had several dances then sat down again, telling Sohte if anyone came up for a dance, Takatau was chilling out. Milne was in conversation with the chiefs. More drinks appeared and Brian placed some money on the table.
‘How were the ruins today?’ asked Keleu.
‘The ruins?’ said Brian. ‘Awesome. I’ve never seen anything like them. Bad luck you can’t go there. They’re unbelievable.’
‘Yes,’ agreed Keleu. ‘The Gods forbid us to. But you and Sawi are chosen.’
‘Yeah. Being chosen ones, me and Sawi have got special permission. It goes with the gig.’ Brian looked at Keleu over his drink. ‘Do you know anything about the ruins, Keleu?’
‘Very little,’ replied Keleu. ‘I have never been there. And the missionaries destroyed all the old wooden tablets.’
‘Yeah. That figures,’ said Brian, resentfully.
‘Airu said there was trouble on the island today.’ Keleu smiled. ‘Tell me what happened.’
‘What happened? I nearly shit myself, is what happened.’ Brian told her everything; including the blanks in Milne’s gun and hitting the Frenchwoman. He wasn’t proud of the fact. But it was all Milne’s fault.
Keleu saw the funny side of it. ‘Sawi can be a little strange at times. I think that is one of the reasons we all love him so much.’
‘Yeah,’ agreed Brian. ‘For a bit of a weirdo, you can’t help but like him.’
Keleu excused herself and got up to dance with Airu, leaving Brian sipping his rum. Milne finished talking to the chiefs and turned around.
‘Hey, Takatau,’ he said. ‘I’ve been thinking.’
‘I don’t know how you do it. It hurts my brain too much.’
‘I reckon if you play your cards right, you could be a big chance with Keleu.’
‘It’s funny you should say that, Ron,’ replied Brian. ‘I was thinking of asking her for her phone number.’
‘There’s no phone in the house,’ said Milne.
‘I could ring her at work.’
‘Where are you gonna find a phone box?’
‘How about I use the one in your office?’
Milne thought for a moment. ‘Okay. But only because you’re Takatau.’
Brian finished his rum and reached for another. ‘So what exactly is the protocol, Ron. If Takatau fancied placing his hand on one of the local lovelies’ business?’
‘There’s no real protocol,’ smiled Milne. ‘They’ll put their hand on your business.’ Milne stood up with his drink. ‘I gotta change the tape and have a talk to the punters. I’ll be back.’
Milne walked off into the crowd. Keleu and Airu returned to the table and resumed drinking. Brian had a sip of rum and started talking to Keleu again.
‘Where are your parents tonight?’ he asked.
Keleu nodded towards the crowd. ‘Over there.’
‘How come they’re not up here with us?’
Keleu shook her head. ‘No one is allowed to sit with the chiefs, unless asked to.’
‘Yeah? The chiefs run a pretty tight ship, do they?’
Keleu nodded sincerely. ‘No one disrespects the chiefs. Even Sawi must do their bidding.’
‘And if you do disrespect the chiefs?’
Keleu fingered the shark around her neck. ‘You lose your mutami.’
Brian flashed back to the big shark passing him at Windmills and nodded slowly. ‘I think I understand,’ he said.
‘Yes, it is not wise to offend the chiefs.’
‘So, on a happier note, Keleu,’ smiled Brian, ‘what’s doing after this? Were you thinking of coming up and tucking me in again? I’d like you to.’
‘I also would like to, Bria
n,’ Keleu smiled shyly. ‘But all the families are staying at the house. I must be there. What about seeing me tomorrow night? If I have not offended you.’
Brian looked boozily at Keleu. ‘Yes, you have offended me, Keleu,’ he said. ‘And I’m sick of you asking me for a dance all the time.’
Keleu’s lovely face dropped. ‘Oh. Oh I am sorry, Takatau. I did not mean to.’
‘I reckon it’s about time I asked you for a dance. Righto, Keleu. How about a dance?’
Keleu’s face lit up and she put her arm around Brian. ‘Oh, Brian. Sometimes you are so lovely.’
‘Yeah, well, lovely or not,’ said Brian, ‘do I still get a dance? Or do you wish to incur the wrath of Takatau?’
‘No, no. Anything but the wrath of Takatau.’
Brian and Keleu moved onto the dancefloor for six or so dances then sat down. A couple of women came over for a dance. Brian got up with them as well. A few more cones got washed down by a few more drinks and the night was over; and Brian was well and truly off with the pixies. But he managed to arrange a few quiet drinks with Keleu at the Key Bar around seven the following night. He would call round for her first. Then Milne was on the microphone bringing the evening to an end.
‘Allriight music lovers,’ he spoke, as the last song faded out. ‘It’s time to go once again. But what a night we’ve had. A big thanks to all our contestants. Myself excluded. And thanks to Takatau. I think it’s been a special night all around. Does everyone agree?’ A big cheer rose up from the crowd. ‘I thought so. And now on behalf of myself and Bebop Bazil, goodnight, sleep tight, and don’t let them bad old gummy sharks bite.’ Milne put on ‘My Island Home’ and the whole place joined in singing and dancing, then it was all over. Brian walked Keleu back to their table with the others. Milne put Bazil away then turned everything off and walked over to the VIP area. He sat down and was about to say something to Brian, when Ohlo came over, looking serious. He bent down and said something directly to the President. Milne listened intently, nodded several times, then Ohlo left. Brian picked up the vibe.
‘What’s the matter, Ron?’ he asked. ‘Is something wrong?’
The Ultimate Aphrodisiac Page 16