Shona waited for Mariana to reply, but she just stared at Kallu.
‘You remember Kallu?’ Shona said.
‘I was hoping for a private conversation.’
Shona looked at Kallu. He was standing by the sink with his eyes closed, his fingers flickering as if remembering a tune.
Mariana said, ‘What exactly is wrong with you?’
Shona turned back, but Mariana was talking to him.
‘The world talks to me,’ he said.
Shona closed her eyes.
‘What does it say?’
‘It says you have known death. You are haunted by a spirit. Your soul hurts for what you did and what you saw and what you know. He cries for you. He tried to show you that.’
‘Tell me more. Tell me facts, not this he, she stuff.’
Shona hissed, ‘Mariana!’
‘What?’ Mariana looked pleased. ‘He won’t break, he wants to say it.’
‘Stop it! Kallu?’
He opened his eyes.
‘Jude’s watching TV if you want to go through.’
He stretched his arms and closed the door behind him.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked Mariana.
‘Me? I’m watching out for you, Shona. Your life is complicated enough without your shed god. For God’s sake, focus on what’s real.’
‘Kallu is my friend. He needs me.’
‘I’ve known people like that, Shona. Messiahs, gurus, all liars. When you press them for specifics, it falls apart. Everyone has lost someone. Everyone has made someone cry. It’s a cold reading, that’s all. I guess he’s made you dependent on him, feeds you a little information now and then, a whole lot of promises?’
‘It’s not like that at all. He’s not like that.’
Mariana waited, tapping one finger on her mug.
‘What can you offer me, Mariana? As far as you and religion are concerned, my beautiful, blameless baby is stuck in some limbo for the unloved and the unwanted.’
‘What does he offer you?’
‘Hope.’
‘There is no hope.’ Mariana looked away. ‘That’s how you should know that he is lying, your little shed god.’
Shona laughed and looked towards the back room door. She wished he hadn’t come in. What he said only made sense when it was him and her. When it was questioned, it slipped away.
‘Hold on, why am I being asked to explain? He’s my guest in my house. You’re happy enough to believe in invisible gods and crying statues, aren’t you? You’re here because you like to talk at people and show them how clever you are. Apologise or leave.’
Mariana pressed her lips together, centred her mug on the table, put her coat back on and left by the back door.
Shona slumped on the table and put her head in her hands. The door to the back room opened and she jumped up.
Kallu put his hands up. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I saw her go.’
‘Don’t worry. I’ve haven’t started dinner yet, but you can eat with us.’
‘I’ll cook.’
She thought of refusing, but couldn’t bear to be polite. That was fine by her. If someone could just walk in at five-minute intervals and assign themselves a piece of her life, that would be perfect. Cooking, someone could do that, someone else could look after Jude and someone else could think about Cerys. Another could work out her finances and, finally, Shona would be free to sit in a corner and close her eyes. That would be more than enough to occupy her.
She nodded and he smiled. She rested her head on the table. She didn’t think she and Mariana could ever go back to how they were, which was more her fault than Mariana’s. She didn’t open her eyes when she heard Jude come in.
‘Shhh, your mum’s sleeping.’
Kallu organised Jude and asked him about school. Jude sang a carol they’d been rehearsing, even though there were weeks to go until the carol concert.
‘You sing that very well.’
‘I get shouted at for not being loud enough. I have to practise my big voice. I don’t like my big voice, I like my small one.’
‘I like your small one too. Teachers are idiots sometimes. Like Mariana.’
Jude sniggered and whispered something and then laughed his full-bellied laugh that Shona realised had stopped in October too. She wished she could disappear from the room and let them be naughty boys without a witness, but any movement would stop them. Maybe him being there was a prompt for Jude, to release his annoyance and frustration at Shona for being so preoccupied and crap. He had Kallu. But not enough. Shona needed to be more like Kallu. Shona needed to be more like her mother and act when it was necessary. Shona needed to be a lot less like Shona.
When she opened her eyes, she found a cooling bowl of pasta with tomato sauce and grated cheese. She hadn’t eaten lunch, and possibly not breakfast, and finished the bowl without heating it up. She heard the boys in the next room, their voices rising above the TV to comment on it. Shona put the kettle on and switched on the laptop.
She wasn’t expecting an email from Jimmy but hoped there might be something. The prison had released him but she still hadn’t heard anything about an address. She felt that she should chase him, check he was OK but she also didn’t want to find him right now and have to deal with whatever hole he had managed to end up in. She couldn’t imagine him in a bed and breakfast, a halfway house. She hadn’t seen him much as a child, but what she remembered was smart and slick. He could have lost his shine in prison and be more comfortable in track suits after such a long time, but she wanted to see him in a shirt again.
She heard the TV go off and the noise of feet going upstairs. A little while later Kallu came down to the kitchen.
‘All sorted,’ he said. ‘I left the light on.’
‘That’s fine. Thanks.’
Kallu picked his coat up from the back of the chair.
‘Don’t you want a cup of tea?’ asked Shona.
‘No, I’m just off to the shed. If that’s OK.’
‘Of course it is, but it’s really cold. I know it’s your thing, but you can stay inside.’
Kallu was looking past her to the dark window. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Sorry. I don’t get it. Feel free to use the shed. Do you need anything else?’
‘No.’
He kissed her on the forehead and closed the back door quietly behind him. She would keep the door unlocked, just in case.
12
Kallu emerged from the shed and stretched. Her shed god, Mariana had said. My little Apollo, she thought. His top rode up and Shona looked away from his slender belly. He knocked on the kitchen door and then walked in.
‘Hungry?’ she asked.
‘Starving.’
Jude had wanted to see him before he went to school but she knew better than to try to disturb him. She certainly didn’t want to see him in one of those trances again. She’d gone out to him in the garden last night after seeing him kneeling on the grass. It was so cold that she could see her breath streaming from her mouth, but she couldn’t see any cloud from his. He was, as usual, in a T-shirt, his arms extended out at his sides. He had looked at her as if he hated no-one and nothing more. Scared, she backed away. Back inside, she didn’t stop shivering for an hour. He wouldn’t remember, he never did, but a weird episode always meant that he was more lucid than usual for a few days and she had a list of questions for him. But food came first.
‘Eggs? Scrambled, fried?’
‘Both.’
‘Let’s try one at a time.’
He selected an apple, not the first or second he picked up, but the third. He sank his teeth into it with his eyes closed. Shona broke four eggs into a bowl with milk and cheese and, once that was cooking, put two slices of bread in to toast. He’d finished one apple and had started another. Five rejected apples sat on the table. She put them back in the bowl. The toast popped. She buttered it and poured the eggs on top. He had started eating with his fingers before she fetched the cutlery.<
br />
She collected the post while he ate. Jimmy had finally made contact. He had somewhere to live and was asking for visitors, as if he was still in prison. If he knew she’d seen him with Kallu, he hadn’t said anything. Or Jimmy was just going to deny it.
Lexden Road seemed a strange address for a halfway house. The letter was beautifully written, even the envelope had flourishes. She checked her phone for messages. Mariana had clearly decided that Shona should have forgiven her, and left a message asking her to call back. She sounded very polite, which made Shona nervous.
Kallu slowed down once he got to the soggy toast and tore pieces off with his fingers to eat without biting.
‘Did you get any messages last night?’ she asked.
He nodded, glanced up at her and then down again. Her stomach clenched and her hands started to feel clammy as she tried to interpret the look. His face was smooth but he looked older than nineteen. It was all in the eyes. Sometimes Shona found it difficult to keep eye contact, especially when whatever he saw seemed to amuse him.
With one piece of toast left he pushed the plate away. That would be his offering. Shona didn’t shift uncomfortably when he mentioned this any more, and simultaneously he stopped mentioning it. She waited and he raised his head.
‘And?’
‘It’s Greenland,’ he said.
She sighed and it was her turn to lower her eyes. She put one elbow on the table and rested her head on her hand.
‘That’s definitely where you’re going?’
‘That’s where I’ll find my mentor. There’s a shaman waiting for me. And it’s soon.’
Soon meant little when Kallu said it, but it was going to happen. Her urge as a mother was to immediately warn his parents of this plan. Her desire for it to be what was right for Kallu had to be stronger.
‘A shaman.’ She tried to believe it. ‘Does that mean that you’re a shaman?’
‘Would you believe me if I said yes?’
Shona said, ‘Maybe. I’ve read about Greenland. It’s not an easy place to get to, even if you have money. Especially now, in the winter. I know the cold doesn’t affect you much, but it’s nearly December. There won’t be any sun at all for months.’
‘It will happen.’ He waved his hand. ‘I don’t have to work out how.’
Shona slid her hand from her cheek in front of her mouth. ‘When?’
‘When it’s time.’
‘Did you . . .’ She moved her hand to the table. ‘Did you get any message for me?’
As he looked at her his face became young again, his eyes clouded with the doubt of wanting to say the right thing.
‘It’s just, Maynard’s trying to get me out of the house and I can’t buy him out, or get a mortgage. I want Cerys to come back, and it’s Jude’s home, the only one he’s known.’ She took a breath. ‘And Meghan died here. I want to stay with Meghan.’
He spoke gently. ‘Meghan’s not here.’
‘So where is she?’
He held her stare but something inside him had moved back within himself.
She stood, trying not to shout. ‘You promised me—’
‘Nothing.’
‘Not in so many words, maybe, but when we met you told me—’
‘Nothing. I said she had a message for you. I didn’t say I could give it to you.’ His voice became quieter. ‘There are many states of being.’
‘Christ.’ She sat down and rested her head on her arms. She had waited all those months for nothing.
His voice lowered. ‘Shona, as the time gets closer I’m going to change. I need you to protect yourself. Don’t come out to me in the garden, OK? Sometimes it’s not me.’
‘Because you’re a shaman.’ It had come out more sarcastic than she meant. ‘Aren’t you? You knew I’d been waiting.’
‘And you feel I’ve taken advantage. I understand. But please stay away when I’m outside, OK? Just in case.’
She refused to agree. She refused to look at him.
Every time she had felt close he pushed her away. No answers, nothing. She stared at the mark on the wall and tried to remember which child had made it. It was a heavy plastic beaker, she remembered, and no-one had expected it to fragment and take part of the wall with it.
She’d been awake until two, wondering whether he would have anything to tell her, any hint about what she should do next, even though he really didn’t talk about that. He lived in some mixture of the past and distant future. She lived in the present and near future. It was amazing that they could even see each other in their different worlds.
She heard him scrape the chair back and the sound of his bare feet on the tiles. He stroked her hair and murmured under his breath. She wanted to scream, ‘Just tell me what the message is!’ He left. She heard the gate close.
She rubbed her face and forced herself to blink away tears. Mariana would talk her out of believing it anyway.
She fetched the laptop from the back room and made some tea while it warmed up. It was like her, in need of some work and a new battery. She first looked up the address Jimmy had sent her so she could visit him, and then Greenland. There wasn’t much that she couldn’t find out about by looking at an atlas. She opened another page and ordered a couple of books about Greenland and shamanism on Amazon, but when she got to the payment page it didn’t go through. Maynard had stopped the credit card. She didn’t even remember it being a joint card. He’d been tracking everything she bought on it. He’d bought this laptop for himself and given it to her when he replaced it. Maybe he was tracking everything she did and thought. Maybe— she closed the laptop down and pushed the lid shut.
She had pretended all these years that she was independent but he’d been in charge of everything. She would work out how to wipe the laptop, get an overdraft, maybe a new credit card if they’d let her, start everything fresh and clean and new. That was her plan for the day. After seeing Jimmy.
She cycled to the address Jimmy had given her on Lexden Road and, when she got there, pulled out the letter to check she’d read it right. She had.
She got off the bike and pushed it up the wide, gravelled drive. It was four floors of large sash windows, the walls plastered white and the doorstep bordered with cast-iron boot scrapers. The front door was actually two scarlet doors, glazed with stained glass. She thought it must have been divided into flats but there was no panel of buttons, a scribbled name next to each. He’d clearly been looking out for her, or someone, as he opened the door before she knocked.
‘What the hell have you been up to?’ she said. ‘Are you squatting?’
Jimmy smiled. ‘When one knows how to hold one’s tongue, one is rewarded.’ He bowed and swept his arm towards the hall. ‘Madam.’
She curtsied and then hesitated. ‘Can I bring my bike in? It might get nicked.’
‘Oh, ye of little faith.’ He shook his head. ‘Bloody right, I’ve seen two blokes casing the place just this morning. It’s been empty for a while.’
‘You don’t have the run of the whole house, do you?’
‘Of course, it’s mine. Or near enough.’
‘I’m not sure I like that answer. Really, are you squatting?’
‘Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies. Get inside.’ This time he jerked behind him with his thumb.
Shona lifted the bike over the black painted threshold and angled it so it leant against the coat on the bannister. The hallway was tiled like a chessboard, the architraves and coving were still intact and ornate. She looked into the two rooms they passed, walls covered in paintings and hangings, a marble woman standing five-foot high in one corner, her hands held out to the room.
‘Cup of tea?’
‘Please,’ she said, nearly tripping down the two sudden steps into the kitchen.
A shiny Apple laptop was open on the breakfast counter next to an iPhone and an iPad.
‘I heard they were the best, but I’m buggered if I can follow the instructions,’ he said. ‘You any good with them?
’
‘I’ll have a go.’ She looked at the glittering shine of chrome, the kettle and the coffee machine.
‘Blimey,’ he laughed. ‘It’s a good job there are no flies in here.’
Shona closed her mouth. Jimmy stopped smiling and took her by both hands.
‘Seriously, any news on Cerys?’
Shona sighed and felt her lip begin to wobble. She’d almost forgotten. Jimmy sat her on a chrome bar stool and motioned for her to wait. He made two cups of tea, poured an entire packet of fig rolls onto a plate and motioned for her to begin.
‘What happened just before she left?’
‘Normal stuff,’ Shona fudged.
‘No such thing.’
Shona focused on the biscuits. ‘She found out I was sleeping with one of her teachers and thought that I was sleeping with this boy she fancied rotten. He was called Dominic, now he’s Kallu.’ She watched his face for any sign that he was interested or hiding something, but he kept eye contact.
‘Her teacher?’ Jimmy tried to bite down a smile. ‘Where did she catch you? If it was in your bedroom, it doesn’t count. You have to expect that kind of thing.’
Shona mumbled, ‘She realised at Parents’ Evening.’
Jimmy guffawed. ‘Busted!’
Shona nodded.
‘OK, you haven’t seen the funny side of that yet, sorry.’
Shona picked up a fig roll and began to nibble on it.
‘And what’s Maynard’s official take on this?’
‘To take my house, sell it, hide his flat off the books so he can keep it and everything else he’s collected. He’s a company, apparently.’
‘Have you got a mortgage?’
‘The house is paid off, so I could get it as a settlement if he was honest. It’s an asset to him, not a home.’
‘So, if he’s going to play dirty, have you got anything on him?’
‘Yes. He was responsible for someone’s death. Someone other than Meghan, I mean. But really, I’ve known for so long I don’t know if anyone would believe me if I said it now. You were close to him for a while, can you think of anything?’
‘Plenty.’ Jimmy tapped his nose. ‘I’ll get onto that.’ He turned the laptop towards him, pressed a few buttons and sighed. He went to a drawer near the sink and came back with a pen and pad. ‘What’s his address in London?’
The Devil in the Snow Page 15