Gods and Frogs, Oh My!

by Crymsyn Hart

  The frog paled to a shade of pea green. Kalliope couldn’t help but laugh.

  “What do you think?” Dagda asked.

  “I’m not sure. I was never much a fan for frog legs. I hear they taste like chicken though.”

  The god looked at her strangely and then it dawned on him. “No. Not to eat. What do you think about the new look?” He gestured to his lower half.

  She glanced down. Instead of the red leather pants, he now stood on two frog legs. “Umm. Yeah, well it works. I guess. Now, what did you want with me? I was busy with Lugh.”

  He hopped over and handed her the frog. “I think this belongs to you. He has the feel of your magick. He’s your first familiar. That’s wonderful!”

  “My familiar? I thought witches had cats, rats, owls, or something furry. Not frogs.”

  “There ain’t nothin’ wrong with me, toots. I can’t help it if ya don’t appreciate frogs. Aren’t we handsome devils, Your Eminence?” the frog said.

  “Oh, you flatter me. What’s your name?”

  “Humphrey.”

  “That is a noble name for a frog. You’ll do well as Kalli’s familiar. Did you know she’s the first witch her world and this one have seen in centuries? You should treat her with respect and if need be, sacrifice your life for her.”

  “Hey, enough frog god bonding. I’m still here. I really want to back to Lugh. So, please tell me what kind of harebrained scheme you have cooking for me.” Kalliope stamped her foot to get his attention.

  “Gees. Fine. Women!” The god sat back in his throne, crossing his frog legs over one another. Kalliope tried not to flinch. “I summoned you for a mission. You must go to Mount Olympus and do whatever Zeus desires. I don’t want to bother doing it myself. Those Olympians can be such pests. They think they’re all important because they were written and sung about more. They have a complex because Hollywood has made more movies about them. What is up with that? Don’t the directors know I’m a fine specimen? You know I’ve always fancied Gene Wilder playing me. What do you think?”

  “Sure. I guess. So, you just want me to go and see what Zeus wants? Dagda, we never agreed on loaning me out. I’m not going.” She turned and made it to the re-carving wall. When she touched it, the wall stayed solid. A thunderclap rolled overhead. It started misting. Kalliope turned to see Dagda had grown serious. His color was ashen and his skin had hardened with a faint sheen making it glossy. She had pressed the wrong button. Angering Dagda was not a smart move. She had seen firsthand what he could do. He had destroyed Cromm and banned Nas from his sight. Kalliope wondered where the shamed goddess was.

  “You will do whatever I say. You are indebted to me. I will loan you out to whomever and do whatever I want with you. Just because you’re Lugh’s latest paramour don’t think you can walk away from me and get out of the deal we made. You are very wrong. Kalliope, I enjoy your company. I don’t want to see anything happen to you. My grandson loves you. That much is clear, but his heart can change in a split second. You’re not the first human lover he’s had over the years. Now you are part of my extended family. Even if you do part ways, you’ll always be welcome here. You ate three apples from the Sacred Oak Tree. They have bound you to this place. If I say you will go to another realm and do what another god bids, then you will. You owe me. You promised to do whatever I commanded. I said you had spunk because you stood up to me. Don’t make yourself into a fool by angering me. I might not be able to take away your powers. But I can do things to make your existence a living hell. Do you understand?”

  Her rage built at every word. It was true what he said, but she was not going to be used as a wet rag and passed around to clean up someone else’s mess. She took a few steps toward Dagda. Energy built around her. It radiated out of her like a heat wave. The moss carpet turned brown underneath her feet. “I will do what you ask only because I’m good on my word. I won’t be pushed around. For too many years with my ex, I did whatever he wanted to make him happy. Now I do things for me. Is that understood?” She pointed her finger at the god. A stream of fire came out of it and hit him square in the chest.

  Dagda looked down. Humphrey, the frog, hopped behind her to stay clear of the action. His slimy fingers wrapped around her leg. He was shaking. The fire stopped when her hand fell to her side. She took a deep breath to cool off. Dagda’s eyes grew smoky. There was a scorch mark on his chest. He brushed the ash off. Underneath was perfectly tan flesh. He looked at her again. Kalliope held her breath, wondering if he would smite her. Dagda burst into laughter and came hopping toward her. He threw his arms around her in another bear hug and grabbed her shoulders roughly.

  “See, Kalli. This is what I love about you. It’s been so dull without you here. Oh, my young, fiery witch. I see why Lugh cares for you so much. Now, tell Zeus I send my regards. Be a good witch and play nice with the Greek gods. You must have known you were going to Mount Olympus because you’ll fit right in. Just don’t fall for Zeus’s charms. Hera will be pissed. Night.”

  Without another word, Dagda took one great leap in the air and disappeared. Kalliope glanced at the ceiling to see if he was hanging from the chandelier. She wouldn’t put it past him. However, he was nowhere to be found. She sighed then she glanced at her new familiar. “Well, Humphrey. I guess it’s you and me. Come on.”

  She scooped him up. He snuggled against her and crooned. “Ohh ribbb—iittt, baby. Ya smell so good. Let’s go behind the throne and I’ll show ya the time of yar life. Once yar had frog, ya don’t go back.”

  Kalliope ignored the comment and touched the wall. Lugh had taken her to Mount Olympus once, following her ordeal with Cromm. They had spent two magnificent weeks basking, with Lugh worshipping her. She pictured her time with him. Feelings of warmth filled her, and underneath her palm, the wall grew thinner. The slivers of tree bark tickled her when she moved through the wall.

  Chapter Four

  The air was thin when Kalliope emerged. The sky was neon blue with no clouds. It was so bright it nearly blinded her, reflecting off the highly polished pink marble floor. White marble columns were placed along the edge of the forum. The dais of Mount Olympus was larger than two football fields put together. Someone reclined in an oversized couch in the center of the dais. Three maidens waited on the portly occupant. She figured it was Zeus.

  All around her were gods and goddesses. The gods were all dressed in togas of varying colors and the goddesses had on the same style dress she had. Kalliope wondered if Lugh already knew Dagda was going to order her to Mount Olympus. She was going to talk with her devoted sun god when she got back.

  “Ohhh toots. I think I died and went ta heaven,” crooned the frog.

  “You’re on your own then.” She dropped the frog. He was the size and shape of a Thanksgiving turkey. Her arm tingled from holding him so long.

  No one seemed to pay her any mind while she strolled casually toward Zeus. When she got closer, she couldn’t understand a word they were saying. Great. Send me to a foreign astral plane and don’t tell me they speak no English.

  Evil thoughts of what she would do to Dagda when she got back strolled through her mind. Kalliope could easily see herself chasing him around the Oak Tree with a large cleaver to chop off his frog legs. She imagined the harp playing Chopsticks. Of course the god would get a kick out of it and not take her seriously. She banished the image from her mind. A jolt of fear ran through her. How was she going to communicate when they spoke Greek? She wracked her brain. Then it hit her. Duh! I’m a witch. I can do whatever I want. Focus Kalliope.

  She closed her eyes gathering her power, envisioning herself being able to speak and understand everything the gods said. Warmth filled her. When she got to the center of the dais, she understood the language of the gods. Passed out on the couch was Zeus. He was nothing like she had pictured him. He was not the muscular god with a long, white beard with lightning bolts at his side. Instead, he was rather overweight, with olive colored skin and short black hair. He had diamon
d studs in both ears and a ram’s horn around his neck symbolizing his masculine power. His girth hung over the side of the sofa. Three very bored looking women waited on him hand and foot. One waved a large palm leaf over him. Another held a platter of grapes. The other was giving him a pedicure. Kalliope felt sympathy for the girl. There was no way she would get near those babies with a ten foot pole. The file the woman was using could chip a diamond, and it wasn’t even denting his nails.

  “Help me!” the woman mouthed. Kalliope looked at the other two girls. They seemed happier in their positions although not by much. The one with the large palm seemed oddly familiar, but she couldn’t place her.

  “Um, Zeus.”

  The god didn’t budge. Instead, he uttered a loud, pig-like snore and mumbled something in his sleep. His hands lifted and he made squeezing gestures with them. Kalliope curled her nose at him. She looked at the other three women who did nothing. They seemed used to his behavior. Zilch was going to happen unless he woke up. Kalliope wanted him to, so she could get back to Lugh. Already, she felt naked without his body pressed to hers. When she thought about her lover god, she realized that her cold medicine was working. No sneezing. No sudden shots of lust overtook her. She was not going to melt to a pile of ooze at this man’s feet. She moved closer to the couch, bending over the chubby god. He exhaled in her face. The aroma of his breath reminded her of dead fish. His cologne was a mixture of three day old tomato juice and skunk. How were any women were attracted to him? All the myths said he was a womanizer and chased after a bunch of tail.

  The god reached up, seized her, and pulled her down on top of him. She let out a squeal. He kissed her, snaking his tongue in between her lips. Help. I’m going to die from dead fish breath. Lugh, help! Dagda, I’m going to kill you.

  At the moment she thought about Lugh, she felt a jolt against her skin where her necklace had pressed into Zeus’s flesh. The aroma of burnt meat wafted to her nose. Before she knew it, she was airborne and then landing hard on the marble floor. Instead of her head cracking open on the stone, it was cushioned by a pillow. Catching her breath and rubbing her bruised backside, she saw the frog raise his hand at her. Although Humphrey was annoying, he had helped protect her. She got up, dusted herself off, and stood before Zeus. All eyes were on her now.

  “Calliope, you know better than to interrupt Zeus when Zeus is asleep. Naughty girl. Zeus is going to have to spank you for that. Come here and bend over, my wonderful muse. Let Zeus see your magnificent bottom. Inspire Zeus!” Zeus gave Kalliope a sly smile and winked. He thought she was someone else. Kalliope had forgotten there was a muse with her same name.

  “Err—I think you have me confused with someone else.”

  “Nonsense. Zeus’s little fire love muffin.” He made a kissy face at her which looked more like a fish that had sucked on one too many lemons. Kalliope tried not to laugh at the image and bit her tongue. She didn’t need him angry with her.

  “Seriously. I’m not your love muffin. Dagda sent me.”

  His expression grew darker and more regal when he figured out she was there on business and not pleasure. A brilliant glow appeared around him making it seem like the sun was in her face, and she had to squint. “Zeus will hear why you have come and not the Greenman.”

  Kalliope was getting tired of all the god drama. She was not impressed with the ‘Hey, I’m a big deity. All must bow down and worship me.’ It was getting old real fast. “Look, I’m not happy to be here either. I was in the middle of something and was interrupted by a goblin. Now, I’m here with some huge magickal frog who wants my body and you want to know why Dagda didn’t come himself. Well, Zeusy boy, I’ll tell you what. I have no freakin’ clue. Now dim the ten thousand watt bulb and tell me what you want.”

  A gasp erupted from the peanut gallery. Kalliope gathered no one talked to the head honcho that way and if they did, they were turned into something very nasty. One of the slave girls leaned in and whispered in the ear of the portly god. The serving woman with the palm turned her gaze to her and gave her a murderous look. Something about the look rang a familiar bell.

  “Dagda sent Zeus a mortal witch! That is the last time Zeus will call upon the Greenman for help. That no goo—”

  “Yeah, enough on the name calling already. What did you want me to do?” Kalliope crossed her hands over her chest. Lugh’s stone was still warm. It was comforting to know he protected her just by thinking about him. It had gotten her out of the grip of the hands of Zeus.

  “My, my, such pizzazz and spunk for a mortal. Zeus likes that. Zeus can see why Dagda has been keeping you a secret from the other realms. Why don’t you come sit in Zeus’s lap? Zeus will show you the time of your mortal life.” He winked at her and patted his knee.

  Kalliope couldn’t help but quiver at the invitation even though it weirded her out. “Thanks. But I’m good.”

  “Are you afraid The Mighty Zeus will overwhelm you with his glorious power?” the servant girl with the palm asked her. Kalliope realized that she did know the servant girl after all. It was Lugh’s crazy ex, Nas. Dagda had banished her from his sight, but the goddess must have found another home among the Olympians. Great. This is all I need. My archenemy is probably going to try and turn me into a cactus this time.

  “Hi, Nas. When did you get here? I thought you were exiled.”

  The goddess crossed her arms over her ample bosom and glared at the witch. “Zeus took me in after he heard what a horrible ordeal I had with Dagda. He gave me sanctuary.”

  “Yeah, by the looks of it, you’re his serving wench. That must really suck for you. Hope the benefits are worth it.”

  “You little bitch. I’ll turn you into a—”

  “Ladies, enough. Zeus doesn’t like bickering. Zeus is all about the love. Why don’t both of you come sit on Zeus’s lap and we’ll see how to work this out?”

  “Your Eminence. This is the witch who stole my husband to be. Surely you can punish her for her indiscretions?” Nas asked the god.

  “Nas, Lugh was never going to marry you. Get over it. He doesn’t want you back,” Kalliope muttered.

  “We’ll see about that!”

  “Zeus said enough!” The god stamped his foot. The marble cracked underneath him. A large thunderbolt appeared in his hand. He sighed and began to clean his nails with the tip of the bolt. “Zeus is getting bored. Nas, Zeus’s pookey muffin, Zeus cannot hurt the mortal witch because she is under Dagda’s protection. Zeus is not allowed to break protocol. You know that. Now, mortal witch, Zeus is tiring of you so your mission is this. Find The Furies and put them back in the Underworld where they belong before they wreak havoc on your world.”

  That name sounded familiar. Something about it she should have remembered, but it was beyond her at the moment. “Who are The Furies?” she asked.

  There was laughter from the peanut gallery. “Does she not know her mythology?” Zeus asked.

  “Humor me.”

  The god sighed. He looked at his nails and decided they were clean. He threw the thunderbolt over his shoulder not caring where it landed. There was a loud crash and a billow of smoke. “Mortal, The Furies were banished to the Underworld eons ago because they thought they could overthrow Zeus. Now, they have escaped and want to rule your realm.”

  “Why don’t you go get them yourself? Why ask Dagda to do it?”

  “The Greenman lost to Zeus in a poker match. Zeus is calling in Zeus’s mark. This is the way Dagda can pay Zeus back.”

  Kalliope sighed. “Fine. Where do I find them?”

  The god laughed. All of Mount Olympus quaked. The echo of his laugher set off an avalanche on one of the nearby mountains. Snow cascaded down the slope in one large curtain. The god didn’t seem to care. “If Zeus knew where to find them, then Zeus would tell you. That is none of Zeus’s concern. Go to Del, she will tell you where to find The Furies.”

  Kalliope was about to lose her temper. Her nose was itching. Not a good sign. The cold medicine must be weari
ng off.

  “Okay. Where is Del?”

  Zeus turned in the sofa and lay back down again. He closed his eyes and motioned for the girls to begin pampering him once again.

  “Hello! Where can I find Del?” she asked again.

  Zeus waved a dismissal at her and then began snoring. Kalliope met Nas’s gaze. The other goddess smiled triumphantly. “I guess you’re on your own. Oh poor you. C-ya.”

  Kalliope stood there for a few more seconds. Zeus was not going to wake up and talk to her again. At least she had her mission. Find The Furies and save the world. Great. How the heck am I going to do that? I can’t go two minutes without wanting to jump the first male I see. Stupid men! Stupid poker! This is the last time saving the world is on my to-do list.

  The witch turned around. None of the other gods paid her any mind. She sighed. First things first. She had to get her womanizing frog and go find Del, whoever that was. Searching the other gods, she found Humphrey surrounded by four identical giggling goddesses who had air for brains.

  “So, Humph, you ready to get going?” Kalliope asked the frog.

  The quadruplet goddesses pouted at her. “Don’t take him. Please. He’s so cute and loveable. We want to keep him.”

  There was lipstick all over him. His bulging eyes were trained on the four goddesses’ opulent breasts. He sat on a stool with a cushion made of silk. He was in frog heaven. If she could, she would leave him, but instincts told her she was going to need the amphibian. She shivered just thinking about it.

  “Sorry ladies. He’s gotta come with me. Maybe I’ll drop him by later. How does that sound?”

  The four goddesses whimpered. Tears formed in their eyes.

  They’re pathetic. They’re as bad as teenagers. I was never that bad! Kalliope thought.

  “It’s all right, ladies. Humphy will be back to bring ya’ll some sweet froggy love later. Give yar frog daddy a kiss for the road.”