“Caitlin looks nice doesn’t she, kids?” Angela said, as if Caitlin was her very own creation. “That green goes with your eyes.”
“You look beautiful, Caitlin,” Elizabeth said in a breathy voice.
“Bootiful,” William echoed politely, without looking up from his toy train.
“Angela, this is such a great dress, I’d be nervous wearing it.”
“Nonsense, I’ll never wear it now.”
“Surely you bought it for a special occasion?”
She turned back to the sink. “It was a gift. I was going to wear it for my wedding in Fremantle, but that didn’t work out.”
Caitlin looked at her hunched back in the man’s shirt she seemed to favor these days. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. Not sure I’d want to live in a city, anyway.” She began furiously peeling potatoes.
* * * *
It was still dark when they left for the gymkhana. Caitlin settled the children in the back of the SUV, tucked up with blankets and a pillow. It was quite cool in the early morning, and they had their electronic toys that would keep them absorbed for hours if she let them.
At the first beep, Jake said, “Put those away please, and get some more sleep. We have a busy day ahead.”
They settled down and it became quiet, apart from the noise of the tires and the hum of the engine. The four-wheel drive’s headlights penetrated into the darkness lighting up the rough road ahead.
“You packed their jodhpurs?” he asked.
“Yes.” She watched a kangaroo keep pace with them briefly before bounding away into the bush. A feeling of peace settled over her, something she hadn’t enjoyed for a long time. She stretched her jean-clad legs out, and thought about the lovely dress in its box in the boot that Angela had so generously provided. She was beginning to understand Angela. She was like a crunchy chocolate with a soft centre.
Angela peeped at Jake’s profile in the soft glow of the dashboard lights. He was another who seldom revealed his feelings, and she was learning more about him too, every day. The word that came to mind about Jake was ‘order.’ She suspected he kept to it rigidly because it made him feel he had control over his life and his emotions. It occurred to her that he may not have been like that when Caroline was alive. He was so close, if she reached out her hand and touched him, what would he do? She smiled at her ridiculous thoughts and closed her eyes.
“Talk to me, Caitlin,” he said, yawning.
“What would you like me to talk about?”
“Ireland. The differences you find here, other than the obvious ones.”
She sat up. “There’s something about this place, its isolation. It forces you to face … events in your life that are painful, to work through them.”
“And have you? Worked through them, I mean?”
“Not quite yet, but I will in time.”
“I’ve often wondered why you’d want to come here,” he said.
That he’d thought about her surprised and warmed her. “There’s not much to tell, really.”
“And, it’s none of my business, is it?” he asked, sensing her reluctance.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound rude.”
“Australia’s a hard country to adopt,” he said.
“Was it for you?” she asked, hoping to lead the conversation back to him.
“I was just a kid and kids tend to be more pliable. But it’s hard to rid yourself of that strong sense of place, where you feel you belong, don’t you think?”
“Sometimes it’s necessary to move on…” her voice drifted off. She couldn’t tell him about Max. Not now while he was in this cozy mood, to see him turn away from her repelled or worse, with pity? Jake was so different from Harry—more complex. She sighed. Why was she attracted to the wrong men?
He glanced at her then turned back to the road. “You’re supposed to be keeping me awake.”
Caitlin began to talk about her mother and growing up in Dublin. In the dim light, Jake’s face, so familiar to her now, made her heart pound. She tucked her hands between her thighs to control her restlessness. Her voice sounded calm to her ears, but inside, she was raging with desire to trace that scar on his cheek with her finger, the way he did when he was deep in thought. And to press her body against his and make him look at her as if she was so precious to him, he couldn’t live without her. Her face grew hot and she was glad the dark hid her thoughts from him. She was running out of amusing anecdotes, when the children began to stir and she breathed a sigh of relief.
“I’m hungry,” William said.
Caitlin flipped off her seatbelt and leaned over the seat, grabbing the bag containing egg sandwiches, orange juice and a thermos of hot coffee made Angela-style, with tinned milk and sugar. Amazing how she was coming to like it that way.
“I’d like to hear more later,” Jake said. “You don’t get off so easily.”
That thought caused her stomach to twist painfully. She began to pour mugs of orange juice for the children. She tried to will her fingers to stop trembling. They always did when she thought of Max. She managed without spilling a drop and sat back relieved that Jake hadn’t noticed, as he drove on into the sunrise.
* * * *
The sun was high in the sky when they reached Springbroke station. The paddock relegated for parking was almost full of other four-wheel drives and horse floats. Caitlin wondered how far these people had come. Traveling great distances meant little to Outback dwellers. Jake went to check on the ponies and she headed up to the house with the children. They passed white marquees staked out like giant sails rippling in the hot wind on a sea of green lawn. Waiters dressed in black uniforms moved through the crowd topping up glasses of champagne and orange juice and offering plates of sandwiches and hot, bite-size foods.
The house sat on a rise above them. It was a long, two-story sandstock-brick building with a row of attic rooms in the roof, more modern than Tall Trees and almost twice its size. Jake had told her the owner made his money in mining. Even in this harsh, wild place, it was money that mattered, or the lack of it, from the Aboriginal workers in the stockyards up to the top of the tree—the incredibly rich magnates. On the columned porch they were greeted by a middle-aged woman wearing a hat laden with fruit and artificial flowers. Caitlin explained who she was and she directed them up the stairs to a playroom converted into a huge dormitory for the children. There were about twenty children of all ages there, clustered around a huge television screen, watching one of the latest animated films on DVD.
They were to stay overnight. Caitlin helped Elizabeth and William into their jodhpurs and boots and left them with the others to go and find her sleeping quarters. She headed up another flight of stairs to the attic bedrooms. When she entered her allocated room she found a girl sitting on one of the twin beds, unpacking her night things. She looked up and smiled as Caitlin came in.
“Sally,” she said, nodding.
“Caitlin. Nice to meet you, Sally.”
“Exciting isn’t it?” Sally said. “Did you see that helicopter land? Someone said it was a movie star. That will cause a stir, won’t it?”
“A media bombardment, I imagine.”
Sally left the room. Caitlin opened the box and shook out her dress. She had a quick shower in the tiny en-suite bathroom and dressed, arranging the hat smartly over one eye.
She went to claim the children. “We’d better go and find your father,” she said. “The gymkhana will be starting soon. We can watch Daddy play polo this afternoon.”
“Toby doesn’t like traveling,” William said.
“He’ll be happy when he sees you,” Caitlin said, taking his hand.
They left the cool of the house and went searching for Jake, finding him standing among a group of people.
“There he is,” Elizabeth cried and threw herself at his legs. He was laughing at something someone said and put his hand affectionately on her head. He turned toward them, and then he seemed to falter. The woman
laughing with him looked surprised.
As Caitlin grew closer she saw the stony expression in his eyes.
He grabbed Elizabeth’s hand and strode towards Caitlin. “That dress!” he said. “Go and take it off.”
She gaped at him. “What do you mean, take it off?”
“Why are you wearing that dress?” he said through clenched teeth.
“I don’t understand,” she said, shaking her head.
She caught her breath as Jake’s eyes filled with pain. “It’s … it was Caroline’s. The dress and the hat!”
Despite the heat a chill settled over Caitlin. “They can’t be! Angela lent these to me. They were to be her wedding clothes, but she didn’t get married.”
“Angela?” He frowned. There was a painful pause. “Caroline must have given them to her,” he said slowly. “I didn’t know.” He turned to check on the children. It seemed as if he couldn’t bear to look at her. “I’ll get you a drink before I take the kids down to the mounting yard.”
“Please don’t worry,” she said ruefully. “I’ll get my own.” Her big entrance had produced a very different reaction to the one she’d hoped for.
“Right,” Jake said, too heartily. “Come on then, kids.”
Feeling painfully excluded, she leaned against the fence watching the children put their ponies through their paces.
“Hi. It’s Caitlin isn’t it?”
She swung around. A man stood behind her, holding two glasses of champagne. Her breath deserted her. It was Conor O’Neil, one of Max’s friends from Dublin.
He held up a glass. “Surely no one says no to bubbly.”
She numbly took the glass from him. “Thanks, Conor. What are you doing here, of all places?” She tried to make her tone light, but her heart was hammering so loud she was sure he could hear it.
“I was just about to ask you the same question,” he said. “I come every year for the polo, then on to the Melbourne Cup. We have a horse in the Cup this year.”
“That’s great,” Caitlin murmured, looking around nervously. Surely Max couldn’t be here?
“But what about you?” he asked. “A flower of Irish womanhood here in the sun-burnt heart of Australia.”
She forced a smile. “Just traveling around, discovering a new country.”
“Great place. Wouldn’t want to spend too much time out here, though. Too bloody hot.”
“At least it doesn’t rain all the time,” Caitlin said, her passionate defense of her new home taking her by surprise.
“Have you heard from Max?” he asked her curiously.
She fought to keep her tone light. “We don’t keep in contact.”
He frowned. “None of us have seen him, not since he disappeared about the same time you did, as a matter of fact. It’s a mystery I was hoping you could solve. We all thought the pair of you had eloped but as time went by….”
She shrugged. “I can’t help you, I’m afraid.”
“We were all so pleased when he formed an attachment with you, you know, after…” He let his words drift.
“After what?”
“He was in love with someone before he met you, but they broke up.”
“I didn’t know.”
Conor shrugged. “Max had a pretty vile childhood. His parents were never what you call hands on. He found sustaining relationships … difficult.”
“Who broke it off?” she asked, suddenly curious.
“I’m not sure, but not long after that, she died.”
Caitlin gasped. “How?”
“She fell from the balcony of her sixth-floor apartment. There was some talk of suicide.”
“He never told me any of it,” Caitlin said, her mind whirling. “What was her name?”
“Mary Delaney.”
Someone in the crowd called Conor’s name and he waved at them. “I’ll try contacting his family again,” he said. “Pity we don’t have more time to catch up, Caitlin. Are you coming to Melbourne?”
Over in the paddock, Jake helped Elizabeth and William down from their ponies and beckoned to her with an impatient gesture.
Tipping the Champagne out on the grass she shook her head. “Good luck with the race. I have to go. It was nice to see you again.”
She hurried over to the paddock gate as Jake and the kids came towards her.
“Did you see me, Caitlin?” Elizabeth asked, running up to her.
“I most certainly did. I thought you were a-m-a-zing. Both of you.”
As Jake walked up to her she saw he was still as upset as she was.
“I see you’ve made a friend here already, Caitlin,” he said, crisply. “Would you take the children up to the house? They are to have lunch with the rest of the kids.”
“As you wish, sir,” Caitlin replied, barely restraining herself from giving him a servile bob before she led the children away. At the steps she glanced back. Jake had been joined by some friends, but he watched them over his shoulder.
While the children had their lunch, Caitlin went to her room and dragged the dress over her head. Throwing the hat on the bed, she pulled on her jeans and a spare black singlet top she’d thrown in at the last minute. She put a white shirt on over the top and tied it at the waist.
After lunch, she and the children sat on the grass to watch the polo match, but her thoughts returned to Mary’s fate, sending a shiver up her spine. William and Elizabeth jumped and yelled, cheering their father on as he drove the ball with his mallet. Jake did look good on a horse, Caitlin had to admit. But she couldn’t relax. She was worried that Conor might approach her again with more questions. In her jeans she felt self-conscious, under-dressed, angry and hurt.
After the final chukker, and the praise from the onlookers for his winning team, Jake dismounted. He took off his helmet as the children ran up to him.
Caitlin stood back, but he beckoned her over.
“Did you enjoy the polo?”
“Yes. Very well done. Congratulations,” she said stiffly.
“You’ve changed your outfit.”
“Obviously.”
His steady gaze held hers. “I am sorry.”
Before she could reply, his mates called to him. She led the children away.
She had dinner with the rest of the staff as the party raged downstairs. As she rose from the table, a young member of the staff came up to her. “Like to come down to the party for a drink?” he asked. “There’s dancing.”
She smiled. “Thanks, but I don’t think I will.”
“This isn’t Upstairs, Downstairs, you know,” he said, cocking his head. “We’re allowed to mix with the toffs.”
She laughed. “I’m a bit tired.” He shook his head and she had to agree with him. She was a party pooper. But she wasn’t dressed for it and Conor was down there somewhere. She wanted him to forget she existed. Shrugging, she went to check on the children. They were both asleep, amongst a room of exhausted children. It had been a very long day for them.
About eleven o’clock, feeling bored, she prepared for bed. Her roommate, Sally, had disappeared with a waiter she’d met, and by their behavior before they left, Caitlin was sure she’d have to the room to herself for the night.
She had just changed into her nightgown and was sitting on the bed brushing her hair when a knock came at the door.
“Who is it?”
“Jake.”
Pulling on her dressing gown, she opened the door. Jake stood clutching the door jamb, swaying slightly. She’d never seen him drink more than two drinks in all the time she’d been at Tall Trees. Her anger dissipated, and she felt a pang of guilt, was it because Caroline’s dress had dredged up sad memories?
“I missed saying goodnight to the children,” he said with an attempt at dignity that made him look even more like William.
“They’ve been asleep for hours. Luckily,” she added, still smarting a little from his unfair treatment.
He walked into the room and sat heavily on her bed. “Hell, Caitlin. I’
m sorry I was so rude to you, but you were a terrific shock.”
“I know, Jake. I’m sorry too. If I’d known, of course I wouldn’t have worn the dress.”
“Angela should never have given it to you. What was she thinking?”
“She was trying to help me. I have very few clothes here. I guess it didn’t occur to her that you’d remember the dress.”
“She’s a good sort, Angela. I guess I wouldn’t have remembered it if I hadn’t bought it.”
She sat opposite him on the other bed. “You bought the outfit?”
“For our sixth anniversary.”
She swallowed. “I don’t know what to say, Jake.”
He leaned over and patted her on the shoulder. “Not your fault, Caitlin. No one’s fault really. But if you knew what it did to me, seeing you. You looked so lovely….”
He lay back, stretching his legs out over the coverlet.
She took a deep breath, wondering if it was just that she reminded him of Caroline. “Thanks for the compliment. I forgive you, and you forgive me. Now I think you should go.”
“Not yet.” Jake patted the bed beside him. “I want to be sure we’ve straightened this out. Come and talk to me.”
She moved to sit beside him. “You’ve made such a difference, Caitlin,” he said. “Now that I don’t feel so worried about the kids, I can get back to my plans for improving Tall Trees. I’ve been running away from a lot of things.”
“Me too, Jake.”
He turned his head and his eyes met hers. “Running away doesn’t solve anything, does it?”
She thought of Conor’s words and tensed. “Not always.”
Jake’s eyes closed and his head fell back. He began to snore softly.
“Jake!” Caitlin said, giving him a poke on the arm. “Jake! You can’t stay here. Wake up!” She put a tentative hand on his chest feeling the smooth curve of muscle beneath his shirt.
She suddenly felt exhausted and said, “Okay, you can sleep in my bed.” She leaned over him. Holding her breath, she gazed into his handsome face, his straight nose and dimpled chin. She traced the scar with her finger—so much sadness behind it. She longed to have him confide in her, to share his painful memories and his dreams. He didn’t stir, so she brushed his full, firm lips with her own. “Goodnight.”
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