by Holly Dodd
“Jo?” The asshole’s voice piped to me from the mouth of the alley.
I was two seconds from breaking into sobs, those ugly, snot-nosed ones. I kept my back to him, hoping he’d take the hint and leave me alone.
Ice crunched underfoot as he approached me.
I lost it then.
No matter what he said, I would never be the same again.
I was broken.
Twenty
Kevin
I am a scumbag.
I knew where Jo had gone the moment the hostess approached the table to take our order.
She’d fled and I didn’t blame her. I’d masterminded this li’l heartbreak after all.
Heidi was rubbing up against me like a cat in heat. She hadn’t been a fling, though she’d wanted to be. The girl had been panting after me for months, coming into the gym four-times a week, always when I was working. She’d showed up right when I needed her today. She’d never have a chance with me. Heidi had stage-five clinger written all over her. I wasn’t about to fuck her, but her touchy-feely behavior was perfect for my plans.
I still felt dirty. But this was what I wanted. Right? To show Jo what an unfeeling asshole I was. That there was no future for us. That I would ruin her and break her. That I was unworthy of the love she gave me. I knew she’d been falling. Every time she looked at me the softness inside, the emotions brimming over, said as much.
I wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love. Sure, Sara had loved me. She’d wanted to marry me. But look how that turned out. My parents would rather buy my affection then spend time with me. There was something wrong with me. Something twisted and dark that drove people away from me.
I wouldn’t bring Jo deeper down that road. The tables were stacked against us. It would be better for both of us to end this now before I caused her anymore hurt.
“Jo,” I said again. I approached her as if she were a skittish cat; palms out, hands down, trying to convey that I wasn’t going to hurt her. At least not physically. I’d vowed to protect the hearts of the girls I hooked up with. But I’d fucked up with Jo. I’d gotten starry eyed and believed in forever.
Her whole body shook. She bent over at the waist, huddling in on herself. The sobs echoed off the icy brick wall. The stench of garbage twisted my gut up. It was sort of perfect that the environment reflected how I felt. Jo would realize, later, that I’d saved her from winding up in the muck with me.
“Why.” Her voice broke, watery and hoarse as she spun toward me. I wanted her to rant and rail. This shattered look in her eyes was driving spikes into my heart. “You knew I was working. Why do this? Why?”
There was so much I wanted to say. So many answers to her questions. I didn’t want her to have hope, though. So, I destroyed it as cleanly as I could. “This is me. I thought I could change.”
I stuffed my hands into my pockets with a few feet between Jo and me. So I wouldn’t grab her and haul her against me.
“I didn’t want you to change.” Her eyes teared up again, and she turned away, hiding behind the fringe of her hair. “I thought I was yours.”
I swallowed thickly. Fuck, she sounded so lost. My eyes were burning. The last time I’d cried had been after Sara told me she’d gotten rid of the baby.
I closed my eyes, fortifying myself for the last bit of cruelty. I didn’t know if I can muster it. She needed to stay away. I sneered slightly, putting heavy emphasis on being a bastard. Being the cold, unfeeling prick I’d always been. “You don’t have a magic pussy, Jo. I need more than what you can offer. You know me. A new woman every night. Did you really think you could compete with that? It was fun, but it’s run out. And you learned a lot. You can go give it up to Regi now.”
Fuck. Just saying Regi’s name shredded me up. It was like spitting out razorblades, dull, bloodied razorblades. I wanted to yank back my words, rail and reclaim what was mine.
She wasn’t mine. I couldn’t keep her. It was better this way.
Jo froze. The soft, heart-wrenching mewls stripping her throat ceased. Her back straightened.
She gave me one last look, and I had to lock my abdomen to stop from flinching. The venom in her red-rimmed glare was potent.
Jo didn’t utter another word as she pivoted on her sneakers and stomped back inside. The loud clang of the exit door resounded through the narrow alley, before being swallowed up by the endless hush of winter.
I wanted to follow her, but she wasn’t mine to protect anymore. I should go back inside and grab Heidi. I didn’t. I knew it was a dick-bag move, but Heidi would need to find her own way home. I couldn’t stomach her touching me again, or the sound of her voice.
I was alone with the effect of my machinations surrounding me. The sky opened, and a flurry of flakes tumbled loose. The snow withered on my cheeks like dying moths, mingling with the silent, wet course of tears frosting my skin.
It was bitter, and cold, and exactly what I was worth.
Twenty-One
Jo
I could have been a Walking Dead extra. I was a zombie. It’d been four days since Kevin dumped me. It felt like four years. I’d forced myself to class, but I was useless. I couldn’t concentrate, and I would feel the prick of tears at the strangest moments. Everything reminded me of Kevin, even though I’d only known him a month, he’d moved in and filled my life.
Now my world was trying to shrink down and fill the void his departure left. It wasn’t working. No matter how much I shoved him out of my head, he remained. My heart refused to let go of him.
You can go fuck Regi now.
I still couldn’t believe he’d said that. It had really hammered home how little he cared. I was twisted into a pretzel thinking about another women’s hands on him, and he was kicking me out the door. Shoving me into his friend’s bed so damn easily.
I hadn’t thought of Regi in over a week. He wouldn’t be on my mind now if I wasn’t mindlessly walking into Doctor Willard’s class. The only time I really saw him.
Listlessly I flopped into my seat. I’d managed a facsimile of living. I was showering and eating enough to survive, but my pants were already loosening up. I guessed getting your heartbroken was a great diet plan. Maybe that was Angela’s secret. She loved being in love, and was constantly crushed. She didn’t eat. My empathy for my roomie soared, and I knew I had some apologizing to do. I’d been a heartless bitch to her, especially parading Kevin around like I had.
I hadn’t known. But now her and I were the same. Kevin moved on, from blonde to brunette (me) to blonde again.
She’d been all over him. Where did they meet? Did he let her sleep over, or had he decided that his experiment with me didn’t need repeating? That was the problem for him, wasn’t it? I’d invaded his space by staying over.
The voice in the back of my mind was a bitch. There were no two ways around it. I felt sick as the memory of Kevin and the other woman played like a movie trailer through my brain.
Did they go home and fuck? Probably. Kevin’s bed was never empty. He’d said as much. He needed a smorgasbord of pussy to keep him entertained. The only difference now was he wasn’t telling me about his conquests. My phone was quiet. I’d known going it I would probably lose him as a friend. I hadn’t realized it would hurt so much.
“Jo.” I jerked in my seat and blinked up. Regi stood in front of me. I hadn’t even noticed him arrive.
“Oh hey,” I said. Did I look as shitty as I felt?
Regi gave me a once over. “You okay, you look a little distracted.”
I am. I was distracted by the huge, vacuous black hole where my heart had been. “Yeah, I’m fine. How are you?”
I fed him what I hoped was a reassuring smile. Only as he settled into his seat, I realized the butterflies I usually had when talking to Regi were gone. I guessed that was my answer. The bees I’d felt for Kevin had eaten the butterflies.
“I’m good. You look…different.” The suggestive note in his voice told me he knew. Had Kevin told him that he’d popped my ch
erry? Had he given him his go ahead?
Bastard. I blinked hard, refusing to let the tears gathering behind my eyes to overflow.
“It’s been an interesting week,” I demurred.
“I’m sure it has.” Regi leaned against my desk, pinning me with a sly smile. His breath was hot and sweet. Minty. He’d popped a tic tac or something before walking into class. Had he always had such a smug smirk? I leaned away from him, quietly shifting in my chair.
He wasn’t deterred. Regi just kept up that suggestive leer that made my skin crawl. He was still hot, but I didn’t want any of the hotness he had to offer. He was too much like Kevin, and I needed to purge all things Kevin Harris related from my life.
“Soooo,” he drawled. His dark eyes swept over my face, and lingered in my chest. Crossing my arms around my waist, I glanced down. I wasn’t dressed nicely. Not at all. I was in mourning, and my clothing reflected that. Jeans and a huge sweater, but Regi was looking at me as if he had X-ray vision. I knew what he was going to ask before he said it. A week ago, I would have been excited. Now I was numb, going through the motions. “Are you busy tonight?”
It was a bitter pill. All my hopes and dreams were coming to fruition. I’d put myself out there with Kevin for this. Instead of celebrating I wanted to go home and have a good cry. I’d fucked up. I’d fallen into Kevin and forgot why, who, I was doing this for. Funny thing was, I didn’t think Regi was my knight in shining armor anymore. The more I looked at him without the benefit of rose-tinted glasses, the less I liked what I saw.
Kevin’s moved on.
Forget him.
Regi’s right here.
Kevin offered you up to him.
What would it hurt going out with him?
Only I didn’t want Regi. Not anymore. He’d been a crush. What I’d felt for Kevin. What I still felt, had been so much more. I’d betted huge, and won. Only now, I didn’t want my prize. It was tin when I’d had gold.
Swallowing the knot of tears in my throat, I shook my head. “No, I’m free. Why, what’s up?”
Who would have thought I’d be so casual when Regi was about to ask me out? This had been the dream.
I should have been careful what I wished for.
“Do you want together tonight after the meet-up?” Regi hovered closer. All broad shoulders and corded muscles. Before I’d loved his height. His magnetic presence. Now the dominant stance was grating on my nerves. Couldn’t he back up, give a girl some breathing room?
I almost missed what he’d asked as I mentally urged him to move. Did I want to go out with him? I waited for the bees to return to the hive. Silence. They’d flown the coop, and where they had been having a wild party for Kevin, they were dead now when it came to Regi.
“We can see how things play out tonight if you want.” I didn’t feel right saying yes to Regi. My heart was yelling at me, calling me a traitorous bitch. Kevin had left his mark. My mind, my body wanted Kevin. Not Regi.
Kevin doesn’t want you.
Grow up.
I ground my teeth together. “I’ll be a little late, so I’ll meet you there and we can decide after?”
I couldn’t, didn’t want, to agree to a date. It felt all wrong. The wrongness of it slipped beneath my skin, making it crawl with revulsion. I wasn’t the type of girl to go from one man’s bed to another. I saw this now. It would take a cooling off period before I was ready to move on. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to move on with Regi. That door was closing for me, slamming shut fast.
Surprise flashed like a strobe light over Regi’s tanned features. Had anyone said no to him before? My answer hadn’t really been a no. But I wasn’t jumping with joy at the possibility of having alone time with him. By the looks he was giving me he’d expected me to break out the pom-poms or kiss his feet in thanks.
“Yeah,” he said with a slight frown. “Yeah we can do that. We’ll meet up around 7:30?”
I nodded. “That’s fine.”
Regi’s gaze was a thundercloud, loaded with questions as it swept over me. Then he smiled again and turned around.
Relief sank into my bones. I closed my eyes and dropped my head back.
I was a mess.
Twenty-Two
Kevin
I shouldn’t have come to the Alehouse tonight. I knew that the moment I walked in and immediately searched for Jo. Why the fuck was I here? This wasn’t my group. This was Mia, and Jo, and Regi’s. Yet I’d come, a glutton for punishment. Wanting to see my Tinkerbelle.
Not yours. You gave her up.
The past four days had eaten me up and spat me out. Everyone around me was quiet, as if they could sense that something was wrong. Losing Jo..
No not losing. I’d shoved her out the fucking door. Her departure from my life was wrong. I felt it in my bones. Even the furry bastards were giving me the cold shoulder, knowing I was to blame for my own misery.
I was a stupid imbecile.
I glanced toward the usual meeting spot for the Brewhouse Bunch. Regi was surrounded by a group of girls. I’d been so knotted up thinking Jo would move onto Regi, that seeing him in his usual pussy-hunter mode sent a surge of relief through me. Mia was doing her hostess thing, and with her back toward Regi and the girls, she was ignoring him. Those two really needed to figure their shit out. But who was I to offer a solution? I’d fucked up big and wasn’t in any position to offer advice.
Jo hadn’t arrived yet. She’d marked “attending” on the Facebook invitation, but that wasn’t a guarantee. I wanted to see her. Apologize for how badly I’d fucked up. I’d called her, sent her texts, but she never responded. Odds were she’d blocked me, which was exactly what I deserved. Now there was only one avenue left. Stalk her, beg her to see me and shower her with gifts and affection until she forgave me. I was scared, which was what had gotten me into this whole fucking mess in the first place, but I wasn’t going to let that control me any longer.
It’d taken a few days after talking with Sara to get my head on straight. My first instinct after she’d apologized had been to shove everyone away. The memory of Sara, and the baby, and the emptiness of my future turned me into a coward. Weak. I hadn’t wanted the tsunami of emotions that had risen when Sara brought up the past. I hadn’t wanted to pin my hopes of love and future on another person again.
Jo wasn’t Sara. I’d always known that, but somehow it had gotten mixed up in my head. Letting Heidi rub up against me, and pushing Jo away and telling her I’d moved on had been one last spike of self-preservation. One last foul effort to remain aloof.
I’d fucked up. I only hoped that it wasn’t a permanent fuck up.
If I were Jo I wouldn’t forgive me for the cruel shit I’d said. I wasn’t worthy of it, but I would try.
I needed Jo. I fucking loved her, and it scared the piss out of me, but I wasn’t going to give that up. She’d loved me to, or was about to, before I went kamikaze on our relationship.
Could we get back what we’d had?
Stuffing my hands into my jean pockets, I walked deeper into the restaurant. Navigating a few groups of chairs, I passed Regi. He gave me a chin bob and then a tip of his head. A classic “Which one do you want” signal that we’d perfected.
I shook my head. I didn’t want either of them. I wanted Jo.
Regi’s brow rose and then he shrugged. He flung his arm around one of the girls, a lush-bodied Latina with dyed hair and spilling out of a slinky li’l dress, and headed towards the back of the restaurant. There were a few little nooks back there. Enough that Regi and the girl could get into trouble without getting caught. It wasn’t any of my concern. If he wanted to bang another girl while Mia was a few feet away, that was his own business. I wasn’t going to go courting more trouble when I had enough of my own.
I was here for only one reason.
I felt his eyes burning between my shoulder blades as I sat at the bar. Hopefully the others would read my body language: head down, shoulders hunched, face hidden by a ball-cap.
&nbs
p; I didn’t want company, and woe to anyone who tried to intrude.
Now, I just had to wait, and hope, Jo would show up.
Twenty-Three
Jo
I arrived at the Alehouse later than I wanted to. I’d said I’d meet Regi at half-past seven. It was now a quarter to eight. Not that it was a date. Not really. We were just getting together to talk and hang out.
I didn’t want to be here. It took every trick in the book, and reminding myself of my long-standing promise to Mia, to take the bus over. Angela had offered me a ride, but I’d been procrastinating and she hadn’t wanted to be late.
I knew I looked as depressed as I felt. Angela had taken one look at me on the way out the door, and just shook her head. There weren’t any acrimonious comments, though. She’d given me a surprise hug and dipped out.
Now I was darkening the doorway to the Alehouse, scanning the crowd inside and not really noticing faces.
This is a mistake.
The truth resonated through me clear as a bell. Leading Regi on was wrong. I wasn’t into him anymore. Maybe the only reason I’d liked him was because he’d been unattainable. Or maybe that was just the nature of crushes. He’d been my first crush. Now I was in the aftermath of my first love, and that crush didn’t seem as important anymore.
I could let him down and go back home. I wasn’t fit for company of any sort. I don’t know how long it would take me to grieve. I knew the steps, and I was floating somewhere around denial and anger. I’d blocked Kevin’s number so I wouldn’t be tempted to beg him to change his mind, to barter my way back into his bed, and sacrifice my integrity just to be a side piece. I wouldn’t be that girl. I was worth more than that.
Feeling better now that I’d made up my mind, I slipped through the crowd. Mia was busy, Angela was flirting with some guy, and Regi was nowhere to be seen. The faster I got this over with, the sooner I’d be back in my pajamas and buried under the covers. Maybe I would hibernate for the rest of the winter. Spring would be better. I hoped.