There was absolutely no way he could let himself develop feelings for Nick. End of story.
Although, looking back at their short history, it seemed like Sebastian never had much of a choice. Nick was like a natural disaster. Unavoidable. All Sebastian could do was duck and cover. Pray for the best while he got totally swept away.
What made Nick so special? Was Sebastian clinging to him because of what was going on with his parents? His life was falling apart. Maybe he was looking for something solid to hold on to.
That had to be it. Sebastian would pull himself together and focus on the task at hand. This was a game, and it was one he intended to win. Needed to win.
He’d talk to Nick. There was no telling how that was going to go. Nick could be furious with him. He might tell Sebastian that he never wanted to see him again. Sebastian might have lost the bet last night.
A thought occurred to him, fuzzy through the dregs of his hangover: he’d lost his chance with Nick the second he’d made this bet. If there was one thing he knew about Nick, it was that he didn’t suffer fools, and Sebastian had done something very, very foolish. If Nick found out about the bet, he’d never forgive Sebastian.
This bed Sebastian had made for himself was starting to look an awful lot like a rock situated next to a hard place.
Cursing from the bedroom broke him from his reverie. Sebastian sighed. First, he needed to deal with the immediate consequences of last night. Then, he’d think up some way to deal with the bigger ones. And hopefully, some way out of this mess of his own making.
Monday rolled around because life wasn’t fair. Nick slept fitfully and was forced to wake up early to make his meeting with Dr. O’Connor.
Deen was still asleep, which was fine by Nick. He’d spent most of Sunday listening to Deen detail everything that’d happened at Sebastian’s party. The way he told it, there had been alcohol, an epic round of limbo in which a detachable stripper pole had been used as the stick, and more alcohol.
Nick had listened with patience, for the most part, but a bigger part of him than he’d like to admit was sad he’d missed out. Especially when Deen had told him one interesting piece of information.
“I dunno what you did to the guy,” Deen had said, “but Sebastian Prinsen would not shut up about you.”
“What?” Nick had known he was on Sebastian’s mind, obviously, but he’d never expected Sebastian to talk about him. “What’d he say?”
“‘Why didn’t Nick come to my party?’” Deen had done a pretty decent imitation of Sebastian’s cool voice. “‘What’s he doing? Is he hanging out with other people? Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.’ He brought you up every time I ran into him. But naturally, since I’m a good friend, I refused to tell him why you wouldn’t come to the party.”
“Right, so you just gave him my phone number instead.”
At that, Deen had become strangely quiet, muttering something along the lines of, “Well, I had to give the poor guy something,” before claiming he needed to do some studying.
Now that Monday had arrived, things were no clearer to him than they’d been before. Sebastian had never responded to his text message, leaving Nick to wonder what he was thinking. There was a good chance the texts had been booze-induced and Sebastian was mortified. Possibly too mortified to ever talk to Nick again.
The idea was . . . oddly upsetting.
Nick had considered sending follow-up texts, but he had no idea what to say. Honestly, after having been pursued by Sebastian this whole time, he wasn’t about to become the hunter. And he was a little afraid to learn why Sebastian had gone radio silent.
Last week, I would have loved for him to leave me alone, but now here I am. Checking my phone every five minutes to see if he’s texted back. What’s wrong with me?
Nick got ready for the day and then headed straight for Dr. O’Connor’s office. The door was open, so he walked right in and found her sitting at her desk, typing. The dog figurines were present and accounted for.
When she glanced at him as he entered, she had a familiar warm smile on her face. “Right on time, Nick. Take a seat.”
Nick did, watching Dr. O’Connor warily as she turned to him. As luck would have it, he had no reason to fret. The whole thing took less than a minute. Dr. O’Connor gave him a once-over with her giant spectacled eyes, asked him how his first week had gone, and then said he could go.
“What?” Nick sat up straighter in his seat. “That’s it?”
“Why not?” Dr. O’Connor didn’t make eye contact as she quickly typed something up. “This isn’t a test. You’re wearing clean clothes, you look like you’re eating, and you don’t reek of booze like some of the other students around here. I’m satisfied you’re getting the hang of things.” She stopped to flash him a bright smile. “Congratulations, Nick. The hard part’s over.”
“Good to know.” He stood up. “Well, thanks for meeting with me. I’d better get some breakfast before class.” For some reason, he hesitated.
Dr. O’Connor turned to face him fully. “Was there something else?”
“No,” he said as he made no move toward the door. His head was whirring with so many thoughts, he couldn’t find the controls for his feet.
Dr. O’Connor gestured at the seat he’d vacated. “You’d better sit back down.”
Nick plopped into it without complaint. “Sorry. I’m sure you’re busy. It’s just . . .”
“I’m never too busy to talk, Nick. That’s my job.” She steepled her hands under her chin, elbows resting on the surface of her desk. “Is something bothering you?”
That’s putting it lightly. “Kind of, yeah. I don’t really know how to describe it. Or even if I should. It’s nothing, really.”
“Seems like something to me. Does it involve another student?”
Nick nodded.
“Is someone bullying you?”
“No. Actually, everyone’s been pretty cool. I know it’s only the first week, and this isn’t going to bode well, but I’ve been . . . having trouble concentrating. I need to spend the next few days catching up on my reading.”
“Any particular reason you’re distracted? Is it your home life? Or your friends? Or a girl?”
Nick chuckled. “It’s definitely not a girl. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m wasting your time. Thanks for talking to me. I’ll sort it out.” He stood up, and this time his feet were online. He was halfway to the door when he heard Dr. O’Connor’s voice behind him.
“If it’s not a girl, is it a boy?”
Nick stopped short. Heart pounding, he turned slowly back around. “What?”
Dr. O’Connor looked unmoved. “Will you please shut the door?”
In a daze, Nick did so and once again fell into his seat. “Listen, I’m not—”
She held up a hand. “You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. I just want to make it clear to you that while this is a Catholic university, this isn’t the sixteenth century. The administration understands that people from all walks of life attend here. No one’s going to get expelled for being gay.”
“Oh.” Nick swallowed. “I see.”
“If there was anything you wanted to tell me,” she said in a neutral tone, “I would be happy to listen. For the record, this college has had its fair share of queer students. Including one particularly energetic polyamorous woman back in the nineties who I thought was going to give the old dean a heart attack.”
Nick opened and closed his mouth, debating with himself. Eventually, he looked away. “I’m not gay, for the record.” He paused. “I’m bisexual.”
Dr. O’Connor didn’t so much as blink. “Was I right when I guessed you were having boy troubles?”
Nick nodded, tense as he waited to see if some sort of trap was going to spring.
“Well—” she sat back in her chair “—if you’d like to tell me about it, I’m listening. Although, you look like you’d prefer to make a Nick-shaped hole in my door, and that�
�s okay as well. We can always meet up another time.”
“I’m surprised is all. How’d you know?”
“You laughed when I suggested it was a girl, and then said ‘It’s definitely not a girl.’ Psychology can be an imprecise science at times, but I think anyone would have been able to crack that code.”
Damn. She’s got me there.
Nick nodded. “It’s a boy, yeah. His name’s Sebastian, and since my first day on campus, we’ve had this thing.”
Dr. O’Connor perked up. “Sebastian Prinsen? You’re dating Sebastian Prinsen?”
Nick blanched. Oh shit. He’s out, right? Or did I just accidentally out him? There’s no excusing that.
He scrambled for a lie. “Uh, no. It’s this other Sebastian.”
“This is a small school, Nick. There’s only one Sebastian who goes here. Not to mention he’s one of relatively few openly gay students. I’ve had to have talks with him before about appropriate conversation topics at alumni events.” She smiled. “Sorry for cracking your code once again. This university can be a bit incestuous at times: everyone knows everyone.”
“So I’ve discovered.” The rest of what she’d said caught up to Nick. “Sebastian and I are not dating. Not even close. It’s more like he’s been toying with me, and I’m fending him off. It was easy at first when he was putting on airs, but over the weekend, he said something to me that made me think . . . I don’t know. I’m confused.”
“Do you have feelings for him?”
Nick blew out a breath. “I didn’t used to think so. I mean, I’ve known from the start I’m attracted to him, but I needed more than that. Unfortunately, he’s starting to give it to me.”
“Is he the reason you’ve been having trouble focusing? I don’t need to tell you that your grades are much more important than a boy. You’re both dealing with a lot right now.”
Nick’s head snapped up. “What’s Sebastian dealing with?”
Dr. O’Connor pursed her lips. “I can’t tell you that. It’d be unethical, and your reaction confirmed your priorities aren’t in the right place. Try to remember what’s important and not fixate on this romance.”
Nick couldn’t help but laugh at that. “I’ve been trying all week.”
“I know you didn’t ask for it, but I’m going to leave you with one last piece of advice.” Dr. O’Connor fixed him with a serious look. “Watch out for yourself. I know college is a time to have fun, experience new things, and figure out who you are, but it’s also a time for hard work and maturity. I don’t need to remind you what’s at stake here. It’s imperative that you focus on what matters in the long run. No boy is worth losing this opportunity.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” Nick climbed to his feet. “Thanks for this. I feel better.”
“My pleasure.” Dr. O’Connor stood as well. “You have my email. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you need anything.”
“Thank you. I will.”
Nick exited the office, leaving the door open behind him. As he walked out of the administration building, he was surprised at how much lighter he felt. He’d let this whole Sebastian thing distract him from what he was here to do: get his degree, and get out. That was what mattered. That was why he was here. He shouldn’t have lost sight of that for even a moment.
Although, there was a tiny flaw in that plan. Realistically, he could only avoid romance and focus on his studies for so long. He was bound to meet someone eventually. Date. Fall in love. Maybe have his heart broken. He wanted to do those things. There was even a part of him that was willing to admit . . . he wanted to do those things with Sebastian. Or at least, the Sebastian who’d shown himself last night.
You should talk to him before you get too much wind in your sail. The texts might still have been a drunken mistake.
Nick reached the dining hall, ducked inside, and remerged minutes later with a box full of eggs and fruit. He found a table in the shade and dug in while he put his thoughts in order.
Priority number one was admitting Dr. O’Connor was right. He needed to make sure, above all else, that college was his primary focus. But he was a young man who wanted to date and have sex and find love. Reconciling those truths was important to his mental health.
Priority number two was Sebastian. Nick was over denying that there was something between them, but if they were going to dance this dance, he wanted to know the steps ahead of time. If Sebastian went back to playing games, Nick would walk away. No questions asked.
But what if he doesn’t? What if Sebastian turns out to be as wonderful as you suspect he might be? What are you going to do then?
Nick was far too terrified to answer that question. Ever since his father died, he hadn’t let anyone get close to him. Something gave him the feeling that if he let Sebastian in, it would change everything.
His phone buzzed in his hand, and in response, his heart shot up into his throat. He turned on the screen and nearly choked when he saw he had a text message. With shaking fingers, he clicked on it. A second later, he deflated in his seat. It was from Dante. Nick read it quickly.
Hey, still want to get together and study? How’s Friday work for you? My place?
A proverbial light bulb went off over Nick’s head. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. He needed to focus more on his studies, and he wanted to learn more about Sebastian. What better way to do it than by hanging out with one of his best friends? If Sebastian didn’t contact him between now and the end of the week, Nick would find out why from Dante.
Plus, he wouldn’t mind getting to know Dante better, and he genuinely needed to study.
Count me in, he texted back. I’ll see you Friday. Around 6?
Dante’s reply was instantaneous.
It’s a date.
Now that Nick had something to look forward to, time flew. Though it could also have been because Dr. O’Connor was right: he really was getting used to life at the Academy.
He ate in the dining hall, studied in the library, and tried to hit the gym at least twice a week. When he woke up in his attic dorm room to sunlight streaming through the windows, it felt normal. More normal than anything had in a long time. It wasn’t home, yet, but he was starting to believe it might feel that way one day.
As the week passed, one thing failed to change: he still snatched up his phone every time he got a notification, expecting it to be Sebastian. It never was, and Nick had no idea why. Intentional or not, Sebastian had once again made himself a mystery.
By the time classes ended on Friday, and Nick was due to make his way to Dante’s apartment, he was debating if he should ask about Sebastian after all. Either the guy was busy, or he was blowing Nick off in a big way. Nick had known people who were bad at texting back before, but this was ridiculous.
Whenever Nick went back and reread the texts Sebastian had sent him—which he did more often than he cared to admit—he couldn’t believe this was the end. Not this sad, pathetic whimper.
There was never anything tangible between you. You’ve got to stop acting like you got dumped.
He stopped by his room to drop off his books and get ready to go to Dante’s. Deen supervised, excited as a puppy. From his seat on Nick’s bed, he shouted fashion advice in a voice that was pitched a whole octave higher than his usual sweet tenor. It was as if he’d been invited as well.
“You can’t wear that,” Deen said as Nick reached for a rumpled flannel shirt. “Pick something nicer.”
“We’re studying, not going to prom.” Nick dropped the shirt anyway. “No need to dress up.”
“Sweet, naïve Nickolas.” Deen clucked his tongue. “Did you learn nothing in high school? You don’t show up to hang out with the cool kids looking like a nerd. You have to dress for the social standing you want. Plus, Dante always dresses to the nines, and if you’re not careful, he’ll embarrass you just standing next to you. You should wear the outfit Sebastian gave you.”
Nick froze with one hand buried in his laundry pile. “No w
ay.”
“Oh, come on. The clothes are yours, and they look great on you. Don’t let them go to waste.”
“I can’t, Deen. It’s the principle of the matter.”
“Why, though? I get that Sebastian pissed you off, but he’s not gonna be there. You can swear Dante to secrecy. Sebastian will never know you wore it.”
Damn. That was a good point. But Nick was nothing if not stubborn. “I’d know, and that’s enough for me.”
Deen sighed. “Sebastian must’ve really done a number on you. So, what? Did he break your heart or something?”
Nick almost fell over. He jerked his head up and stared at Deen. “W-what?” He still hadn’t told Deen he was bisexual. He wasn’t sure he was ready to have this conversation yet.
“Your face.” Deen smothered his laughter with a hand. “I meant that as a joke, but your reaction was priceless. Guess that confirms my suspicions.”
Shit. I’ve never been a good liar.
“What gave me away?” Nick braced himself. If he’d known he was going to out himself twice in one week, he would have done some stress-reducing yoga.
“I’m not trying to stereotype anyone, but the most notorious gay guy in school bought you an outfit. Pretty obvious, no? Plus, when he wouldn’t shut up about you at his party, I figured something had gone down between you. Although”—Deen tapped his chin—“you and I have talked about girls, so either you were faking, or you’re not gay.”
Nick took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m bisexual. Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I had no idea how you’d react.”
Deen waved him off. “No worries. I told myself I was going to wait for you to come to me, but so much for that. Honestly, as the days passed, I was worried I’d done something to make you think you couldn’t trust me.”
Now that the initial shock had worn off, Nick relaxed infinitesimally. “You didn’t. I don’t know why I waited. Guess I’m a coward.”
“No, you’re not. I hear coming out can be harrowing. And hey, I told you I’m religious the first time we met, in name if not always in practice. I can see why you might’ve had some hesitations. Now that that’s out of the way, you wanna tell me what’s going on between you and Sebastian?”
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