by Aimee Duffy
‘Wow, that’s incredible,’ she said, gaping at the sketch of a building he’d drawn.
It looked like an old block of flats that had been given a facelift and she recognised something about the shape of them, like she’d seen it somewhere before. He distracted her from delving into her memory.
‘Did you all have fun?’
‘All bar Elle.’ She grinned remembering her friend’s discomfort. ‘She wasn’t so keen on squishing fruit with her feet.’
‘I can imagine. I’d have loved to see her face.’ He closed the pad and put it on the cabinet next to the bed.
‘It was a picture. What are you working on?’
He shrugged. ‘Nothing much. Just a potential project.’
‘For your company?’
He shook his head.
‘Zack that’s amazing! And it’s really, really good. How can they not want your drawings?’ She threw her arms around him, completely forgetting her dress was covered in grape juice.
‘There’s more to it than that. The closing date’s coming up and I’m not the only one interested.’
He didn’t meet her eyes when he spoke and she could sense his discomfort in his rigid pose. The where’s, how’s and when’s would have to wait until he was ready to talk to her, but she could just burst with excitement for him.
And happiness. He was going to make his dream come true after all!
‘I’ll keep everything crossed for you,’ she said, climbing onto his lap. ‘Now how about some celebrating?’
‘Don’t you normally wait until you have something worth celebrating?’ he asked, but it didn’t stop him from sliding his hands beneath her dress to squeeze her bum.
‘This is worth it! We’ll celebrate the possibility.’ Before he could say anything else, she threaded her fingers through his hair and kissed him.
This was always so easy, almost natural, but her reaction was overpowering each time their lips met and now was no different.
He slid his hands up to expertly unhook her bra and that’s all it took for her patience to expire. She broke the kiss, ripping at his shirt buttons until they popped free and she could get her hands on all that gorgeously smooth, ripped muscle.
Zack didn’t make a comment about her impatience, even though he generally did. She guessed he was just as desperate for this as she was, like it had been much, much longer than a day since she’d joined with him.
Soon they were naked and she was ready for him, bugger wasting time with foreplay – no matter how amazing it was with him.
He lay her back so her head was close to the bottom of the bed and he followed her down so it was just them, skin on skin with nothing in the way. Just how she liked it.
Tilting her hips was the only invitation he needed until he slid home. Ciara revelled in the stretch of her muscles, digging her heels into his backside to bring him in all the way. He stopped moving, pulled her arms above her head and linked fingers with her.
She looked right into his eyes and she could see the emotion burning there. The same emotion burning through her. ‘This really feels like you’re mine, Ciara. It makes me never want to let you go.’
She didn’t have a chance to reply or even to think about what he’d said. He took her mouth and started moving in a way that wiped her mind clean of everything else except her and him, joined together and hurtling towards something incredible.
Chapter Twenty-One
After a lovely dinner and more wine tasting, Ciara was too shattered to think, never mind find a way to broach a conversation about what he meant earlier. Zack must have been too because he let her fall asleep in his arms that night without an attempt at seduction or a hint that he wanted to talk.
By the time they’d got back to Florence and Elle got all the bitching about losing precious shopping time out of her system, Ciara decided a long, long bubble bath might help her put her thoughts together.
It only served to make her even more confused and finding Zack’s note saying he’d just nipped out for a bit meant she was left in the big house by herself. She tried flipping on the TV but the subtitles started to annoy her. Next she tried organising her case so she only had to pack whatever she wore from now until tomorrow night could be crammed in and she’d be ready to go.
It didn’t take as long as she hoped.
Next she tried for a little sunbathing in the garden which seemed like a good idea since her tan from Greece was fading fast, but even then her mind churned and uneasiness pulsed through her muscles, making her jittery.
More proof, like she needed it, that there was no hope for her to keep Zack at all.
Or a job – if she could get one.
And that would mean no kids, no family of her own.
So much for figuring things out. More like drive herself insane.
Her phone chimed with a text from Elle saying they were staying out tonight with Marco and Luca.
Brilliant. Now she had no buffer against Zack.
Giving up sunbathing, she headed for the kitchen in search of food. Since Zack was with them the fridge was full of the good things in life with barely a lettuce leaf to be found. She fried some tomatoes and scrambled a few eggs with Worcester sauce and as she sat down at the table to eat her comfort food, his sketch pads caught her eye.
Ciara went for the smaller one since she’d never had a peek in it yet and almost choked on a mouthful of eggs when she opened it.
It was a sketch of her, asleep the night she stayed in LA. At least she assumed it was her. The cheekbones looked softer in the drawing and the shadows across her face made the woman look more beautiful than she could be. Then there was her hair, which was smooth and perfect, unlike her scary, strewn-across-the-pillow look.
Shoving the plate aside she brought the pad closer and flipped to the next page.
This one was definitely from Miami. She was lying on the sofa, completely naked – although her lady bits were tactfully shaded out. It wasn’t creepy like she’d expected something like this would be. He’d focused on her face, managing to catch an expression that could only be described as wonder.
A lump formed in her throat as she remembered that feeling so well. And it hadn’t anything to do with what he could do with a tub of mint choc chip and his tongue. It had been the man beneath the talent that had fascinated her.
She could see an outline of something else through the paper but her eyes were watering now and she couldn’t face anymore, so shut the pad.
All that worrying in Paris that he didn’t want her and after, in Santorini when she worried he wouldn’t come with her for the rest of the trip. She shook her head.
She’d been so self-absorbed she hadn’t noticed Zack was falling for her all along, her own angst about how she felt overshadowing everything. She’d gone and done what she swore she never would and hurt someone she cared about.
Or at least she’d have to now.
A tear slid down her cheek and landed on the paper, but she wiped the rest away determined to pull it together. She had to stop this now, bugger how miserable she’d be.
The time for being selfish was over. She just hoped it wasn’t too late for him.
***
Zack returned a little while later with a box of pizza and a few bags. She ignored the delicious smell of grilled cheese and herbs – her appetite had long since vanished.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to be gone so long so I come bearing pizza. Are the girls still out?’ he asked, putting the box and bags down on the kitchen table.
‘They have dates.’
He kissed her before she could stop him. It was brief and sweet, but also sad considering it would be her last.
‘Good, then we have the house to ourselves.’ His grin almost sent her over the edge into full blown misery.
‘Zack, we need to talk.’
He took the opposite chair, opened the pizza box and removed a slice. ‘I’m listening.’
She could almost believe he didn’t know what this was ab
out if it wasn’t for the mechanical way he chewed and the forced air of nonchalance.
The lump in her throat got so big it was hard to breathe, never mind speak but she had to force the words out. ‘It feels like we’re falling into a relationship and I never meant for that to happen. We can’t happen. Not for the long haul.’
He placed the slice of pizza back in the box and folded his arms. ‘If you didn’t want it to go this far, why didn’t you pull back sooner?’
Her mouth opened and closed but the only sound was her breath hitching in her throat.
He nodded, like she’d proved his point. Like he was expecting this conversation at some point. ‘Because like me, deep down, you didn’t want to.’
He couldn’t be more right, but that was the selfish bitch in her. ‘I can’t be with you properly. It would never work and I’ll end up hurting you.’
‘If you’re going to throw away everything we have, I think the least you can do is explain why you think that.’
He seemed too calm and collected for a conversation that must be killing him. Either he believed she’d come round somehow or would keep trying to change her mind. Maybe if he knew the real reason she could never risk a relationship, he’d stop trying.
‘Okay, I’ll explain. Do we have any wine left from yesterday?’ She didn’t even care if it was wine or absinth, the stronger the better.
Zack shook his head. ‘We do this just me and you with clear heads.’
Dammit. She took up playing with her fingers to steel her attention away from legs that wanted to bolt for the nearest exit.
‘My ma left us when I was little. From what I remember, she had a different job every month, got bored so easily that she was always off on mad adventures with her friends, eating out all the time and hitting the pubs or bingo at night. I can’t honestly remember a night where she made us dinner or stayed in to tuck me into bed.’
Her eyes watered again remembering and she had to wipe her eyes.
‘I’m so sorry, Ciara. She sounds like a really shitty mum.’ He reached across for her hand but she pulled them beneath the table.
‘I didn’t tell you so you’d feel sorry for me. What I’m trying to say is I’m exactly like my ma.’
His brows pulled together. ‘You’re not a party girl.’
‘That’s not what I mean. My ma had the same… itch, I suppose, to keep busy. It’s like adrenaline burning through us making us so jittery we just need to go do something. I focused on schoolwork to keep me occupied seeing how upset my da was after she’d had enough of family life and disappeared.’
She scrubbed her eyes again, but they were dry this time. ‘It’s why deep down I’m worried I’ll never be satisfied in a job. I’ve had enough short-term boyfriends and got bored of them to know I can’t guarantee that five, maybe ten years from now I’ll walk away from a family. I’d never want to do that.’
His poker face was back, making her shift on her chair. ‘And to make sure you don’t, you refuse to put yourself in a position where you risk hurting them.’
‘That’s it, exactly.’ She sighed, relieved that he understood.
‘So tell me, at what point would you say it’s okay to walk away, making sure both parties stay unscathed?’
The edge to the question explained the poker face. He didn’t understand, he was flat out mad and trying to hide it. ‘It’s not a science, Zack. I didn’t mean for things to go this far with us. I got so caught up in everything I didn’t realise how much time had gone by until we were leaving Santorini.’
He ran a hand down his face and unclenched his jaw. ‘Yeah, I know. I’m just trying to work it all out. Have you asked your dad why she left?’
‘He said she had things she needed to do and he didn’t know when she’d be back. I knew she wasn’t ever coming though. She didn’t just go through jobs, but friends too and when I got older I heard rumours about her affairs, though I didn’t really believe them. Still, it wouldn’t surprise me. We weren’t enough to hold her attention.’
Even her da’s seemingly undying love wasn’t enough. Their bedroom was still like a shrine to her. He filled up vases with different flowers every week like she’d done because every week she wanted something new and exciting. Their wedding photo still stood proud on the mantelpiece, like he was just waiting for her to come back to show he still loved her but Ciara knew better.
The only difference between her and her ma was she’d witnessed what it was like to be left by someone, she’d felt the agony of it too. She could never inflict that on anyone. The guilt would eat her up inside.
‘You’re not like her at all,’ he said confidently. ‘Sorry, Ireland, but your mum was self-centred and only cared about herself. You’re her opposite.’
‘The basics are the same. I still get bored easily, just ask Elle and Gem. I drove them mad in Miami before you got there and in Santorini I almost went crazy at having nothing to do. Now university is over I need to find something else to take that itch away so I don’t hurt my da, too.’
‘I’ve never seen you like that.’
He came round the table and took the seat next to her. His aftershave mixed with the fizzle between them acted like a black hole, effortlessly sucking her in but she had to find a way to break free from him. Either that or she’d end up giving in and hurting them both.
‘You’ve never felt like that around me, have you?’ he pressed.
‘That’s not the point. Who says a month or even a year down the line that won’t change? It’s not now I’m worried about.’ She let him see her honesty, hoping he’d get it.
‘Even if I believed you could just walk away if you got ‘bored’, isn’t it my risk to take? Ciara, I don’t want to be without you.’
She imagined giving in all too easily. They’d be happy for a while, maybe even longer than a while. If he could talk her into a relationship then why not marriage and someday, kids? Then she’d have more on her conscience when the day came that she couldn’t fight the jittery burn that came with repetition.
‘No, I’m sorry. I can’t risk doing that to you.’ She rose to go and he did too, trapping her against him and the table. ‘Zack, please don’t do this.’
‘Funny, I was about to say the same thing to you. Tell me if this is something you’ll always miss, always crave, or can imagine never wanting again.’
His mouth met hers with a fierce determination that knocked her off-kilter. All she could do was cling to him as he pushed through her resistance, kissing her like he’d never kissed her before.
Though she kissed him back, tears ran down her cheeks because she wanted this, she couldn’t imagine never wanting this but she couldn’t see the future. Statistics and experience was all she had to go on and the likelihood that she’d leave was favoured by her calculations.
So when he pulled away she tried to let her apology shine from her eyes, but she was too devastated by his cold expression to speak.
‘You don’t need to say anything else, I get the message.’ He pulled away and the chilly air that replaced his heat might as well have been liquid nitrogen. ‘There’s something for your dad in the bags and something for you too.’
‘Zack…’ Her voice was just a whisper. She didn’t have a clue what to say.
‘Don’t.’ He held up a hand. ‘Honestly, I wish I could say I have no regrets but that’s not true.’
‘I’m so, so, sorry.’ But he didn’t hear her. He was already on his way out of the kitchen.
Glancing over his shoulder, he said, ‘I thought what my granddad was offering was the worst thing for me, but I never expected this from you. Scared or not, I never thought you’d give up love so easily, especially after what your mother did.’
Love? Was that why her heart felt like it was shattering into a thousand tiny splinters in her chest? Before she could process the thought or control the heartache the front door slammed shut, shattering the silence with his departure.
She sunk into the chair, pushed the pi
zza box out of the way, let the tears flow free and her chest rip through the sobs.
***
That night was the longest and most depressing of her life. Zack hadn’t returned, neither had Gem or Elle and all she had for company was his drawings of her, the wooden carving of the cathedral he’d bought for her dad and a personalised phone cover he’d had made with pictures of Gem, Elle and her from LA to Santorini.
It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done and more than once she’d had to stop herself from calling him and saying she’d made a mistake.
But reality always won out. He was hurting now and so was she but it could be much, much worse if she gave in.
The sun had long since come up when her tears ran dry and sleep claimed her, but in no time at all she was being shaken back to consciousness.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, her voice still groggy from sleep.
‘We could ask you the same thing!’ Gem said at the same time Elle demanded, ‘Where’s Zack?’
She sat up, rubbed her eyes and realised it was dark outside. Shit, she’d slept through the whole day?
‘I don’t know where he is,’ she said, wondering if he came back to talk and she’d missed it.
‘Did you two have a fight?’ Gem asked, sitting down next to her. Ciara nodded. ‘Why didn’t you call us?’
‘I didn’t want to ruin your dates.’ She’d made a mess of her love life, why should her friends suffer more of the same?
Elle’s eyes narrowed. ‘So you’re saying this happened last night. What else aren’t you telling us? Zack can be stubborn but he’d never leave you alone for a full day without calling me.’
Her vision blurred again – and here she’d thought she was all cried out. ‘We broke up.’
‘Aw Ciara,’ Gem said, wrapping her arms around her.