by Jenny Wood
I jogged down the hallway and flipped on the lights, looking around to make sure everything was in place before opening the door. There on my doorstep, along with my sleeping girl, was the whole fucking Kennedy crew with devilish smiles and knowing eyes.
“I’ll just go put her down,” Jase said, pushing his way in and already heading for Lennon’s room. “We got her jammies on when we cleaned her up after the movie. She wore herself out, Daddy-o” Kingsley said, following Jase, as did the rest of them.
“Sorry, I tried to warn you.” Morgan giggled, flashing his cell in my direction. He probably did try to text, but I hadn’t heard anything until I heard the knock. I prayed they’d accept that Jay was sleeping and be on with their night, but the way they all grabbed beers from the fridge and made themselves comfy around the living room. I didn’t hold out much hope. Shutting the door and grabbing a beer for myself, I figured I’d need one, to survive this meeting. I hoped that Jay knew that these guys came from a good place and they didn’t send him running for the hills.
“How was the movie?” I asked, hoping to quell their interest for the time being.
“Fun, Merissa and her husband ended up coming, and Wade tried, but had an episode or something and needed to jet. We missed ya there.” Conner says to me. That explains where Kady was; I was surprised that she didn’t want to join in on this surprise ambush of my new guy. I know she’d heard Kingsley giving me shit about it and the kid was nothing, if not a little girl replica of the obnoxious, wonderful man.
“So, where is he? The shower? Still in bed? You didn’t fuck him to death, did you?” Kayson teased, rudely, I’ll add.
“He’s asleep, actually. We both were, I should’ve set an alarm. I’m sorry to have kept y’all waiting. I’m glad Lenny had fun.” I say sincerely. She would’ve never got to do fun things like this in Atlanta; we didn’t have people we trusted there.
“You sly dog, you.” Kingsley jeered, nudging me with his elbow and winking like a moron.
“Wake his ass up; we wanna meet him,” Jase says, walking back into the room with the baby monitor. I’d go in and check on my girl once they left and made sure she was all tucked in and sleeping peacefully.
“She’s fine, didn’t make it two seconds in the car on the way home,” Jase answered, seeming to read my thoughts.
“So, who’s going to wake sleeping beauty? You, or one of us?” Kingsley said, standing up from the chair and walking slowly towards my room. No use in trying to put it off; these guys weren’t leaving until they met and harassed, the man I was now, gone for.
Jay
The sound of the door snicking closed woke me from the best nap I’d ever taken. My body was deliciously sore, and I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face, remembering the way I’d lost my mind, with Finn. He was amazing; he made me feel amazing, and I wanted so badly to do it again and again and again. If I had any choice at all, I’d never leave Madison Georgia again, and I’d stay here in my shitty apartment and take it one more day at a time with Finn. I was crazy about him; I could see myself falling for him easily. Hell, I wasn’t convinced that I wasn’t halfway there already. Tonight had been perfect, exactly the way I’d dreamed it would go. I knew Lennon was coming back tonight, but I hoped he’d let me stay so we could pick up for another round or two before morning.
Teasing laughter and deep voices roused me from my daydream. It had to be the guys bringing his daughter home. I’d stupidly thought I’d be gone by now, or maybe that it would at least just be Morgan that would bring her home. He was the babysitter; I didn’t think they’d all come and by the sounds of it. They ALL came.
I jumped up from the bed and flipped the light on in the conjoining bathroom to find my clothes that were scattered around the floor. I pulled them all on in a hurry, and there was no way to not look rumpled and freshly fucked. This was bad; this was going to be really bad. I wondered if they’d even recognize me; it had been years since they’d seen me last and I was a teenager then. Still, they’d hear my name. I was sure they wouldn’t forget my last name, even if I were going by a different first one.
“Baby,” Finn came through the door, seemingly surprised that I was awake, dressed and sitting on the edge of his bed, wringing my hands together nervously. “You okay?” He asked, concerned.
“Your friends in there?” I ask, knowing the answer anyway.
“Yeah, they wanna meet you. Would you be okay with that?” He asks, coming to sit by me and taking my freezing hands into his much warmer one.
“That’s a big step, isn’t it?” He looked hurt by my question, and I hated myself immediately. It wasn’t a big step; it was a normal step. I wanted to meet everyone that was important to him because I wanted to be important to him.
“You don’t have to.” He says, disappointment clear in his tone. I can’t have that.
“What if they don’t like me?” I ask him, knowing that if they knew who I was, that they wouldn’t. Why hadn’t I brought this up before now? Why did I not think I’d run into them eventually?
“They’ll love you. What’s not to like?” He said gently, thinking that’s why I was worried about meeting his friends. Nerves, just nervous about meeting new people. Oh, how I wish it was like that.
“Come on, might as well get it over with, and I’ll apologize for them in advance, they’re all a little nutty.” He smiled, walking me down the hallway to the living room where I saw several big men and their equally as stunning partners. Slight recognition in the eyes of one big one, but he looked confused more than pissed.
“Baby, these are all the guys: Jase, Joker, Kayson, Conner, Jody, Cameron, Kayson and you’ve met Morgan.” He says, pointing them all out individually.
“And guys, this is someone very important to me so keep that in mind before you scare him away. This is Jay Perry.” He says. I watch as several eyes flash to one of the big men and his partner. That one had to be Kayson and his partner Conner; they were the ones that my father hurt. The one that I hurt.
“Perry.” The smaller guy whispered, grasping at his husband’s arm. Neither of them looked away from me, and I tried to keep eye contact with them back. I tried to convey my apologies through my face, but I couldn’t find the right words even to attempt one.
“Your name is Jay Perry?” The one I assumed was Kayson asked, seriously.
“Well, it’s what he goes by. His first name is Douglas. Do y’all know each other?” Finn asked, worriedly now that the vibe had changed from friendly to something much more hostile.
“You’re not…” The smaller man shook his head and looked around the room, looking for an answer that I’m sure he wanted someone to give him. “Your dad though, he’s not…” He tried again and stopped. He looked wounded. I wanted to die.
“You’re Douglas Perry?” Kayson growled. “Do y’all know who that is?” He pointed to me and looked frantically around the room. This could not be worse.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Are you seeing this?” He barked. Several people jumped up and one younger looking guy- Jase I think his name was, grabbed the baby monitor and shuffled back towards the hallway, towards Lennon’s room. I couldn’t watch him though; my body was shaking so hard, I thought I might lose my legs. Finn’s arm came around me, but I couldn’t melt into him like I wanted to. This was most likely it for us. There was no way to explain or even attempt to explain my way out of this one.
“Hang on a second, what’s happening here?” Finn asked. Everyone looked at him with pitying eyes, and I hated that. They thought I was bad for Finn and he was about to find out why.
“Did we forget what he did?” Kayson asked the room. Nobody said anything. “I’m not one to hold a grudge, y’all know that,” he whispers, causing the room to feel heavier. “He almost killed Conner, do you not remember seeing him laid up in the hospital? King, do you not remember me screaming for you on the phone because I thought he was dead? We thought he was dead. Does nobody remember him knocking Conner out and cal
ling him a faggot? Seriously? Nobody remembers ANY OF THAT?” He screamed, and I watched Conner flinch, nobody else so much as breathed. I couldn’t feel my body; I was dumb but terrified.
“Not even you, Jody? Really?” I chanced a look at Jody, he was the resident hot-head, if the stories I’d heard from Finn were anything to go by. The man lost his temper over everything. I waited for him to charge at me or something.
“I think I should probably go,” I whisper to Finn but never taking my eyes off Kayson. I can’t bring myself to look into any of their eyes. I know some are worried but most of them are pissed and I can’t bring myself at all, to look at Conner. Still, I try to say something at least.
“I’ve wanted for a long time to tell you that I’m sorry,” I say quietly, inching toward the door. I barely registered the hurt when Finn dropped his arm from around me and let me go. I understood it, truly I did, but I’d be feeling that for a while. “I’m sorry for that day that I hit you and all the nasty things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that. I’ve thought about it often, over the last five years. I’m sorry that you were another victim of my dad’s hateful words and malice, too; I don’t even have to imagine how scary and life altering that must’ve been for you. I know that fear well.” I tell them. I look towards Finn but stare at his shoulder instead of looking at his beautiful face. I can’t bring myself to tarnish the perfect image I have of the last time he looked at me like he loved me. It was there, I recognized it, because I know I looked at him that way too.
“I’m sorry Finn, that I didn’t tell you that I knew these guys and how fucked up it would be if you knew who I was. I should’ve said something when I found out you worked there. I didn’t know when I first met you. I just liked you. I don’t get many chances in my life to have good things. I’m sorry. I’ve loved every second I’ve spent with you and your daughter and last night was everything to me.” I whispered that last part, only for him. I hoped he could hear my sincerity.
“I’ve been sorry for a real long time,” I looked to Conner, to Kayson and then back to Conner. “Thanks for giving me a chance to tell you that.” I finished, and then I ran.
I barely heard the explosion of voices behind me as I shut the door and ran to my car and my tears were making it hard to see the path in the dark. Still, when I got into my car and thanked all that was holy that my keys were still in the ignition (not something you could do anywhere but in Madison), I was gutted when I went to back and noticed the door still firmly shut and Finn not coming after me.
I knew better, I really did. Nothing good ever happens from keeping secrets, and I knew I should’ve come clean about how I knew his friends. It might not have been so bad, had I explained things. I was ashamed of the things I said to Conner that day, of course, I was. I knew what it was like to be called those names and I knew the power behind them. There was no justifying that. There was no excuse for that, even though, at the time; I was just terrified of getting caught, and I thought if I sounded hateful, if I sounded tough, he’d let me go. I deserved for it to haunt me, there was no reason for talk like that.
The drive to my apartment was a quick one. It was after ten at night and in a town this size, nobody was out on a weeknight after nine. I took my stairs two at a time and flung myself into the safety of my apartment, so I could break down. My eyes were pouring, and sobbing was probably a more apt description of my emotional upheaval. I wish I could call grandma right now. I needed to know what I should do. I slid down to the floor with my back against the door and wept until I couldn’t anymore. Wrapped around my body, I tried to get up to make it to my bedroom. I could still smell Finn all over me, and I wanted just a little more time to remember. I crawled under my sheets, and my heavy lids couldn’t stay open.
My phone ringing in my pocket roused me from my restless sleep. I’d had terrible nightmares all night, replaying the night before. It hurt worse, every time. I had that I embarrassed Finn in front of his friends; I hoped that they didn’t hate him because of me. I knew he needed them, he didn’t have anyone else in his life, but Lennon.
The number was the front desk at dad’s hospital. I answered immediately, they never called.
“Hello?”
“Mr. Perry? This is Sharon, down at ICI; were you coming in today?” She asked, too formal for my liking. I’d gotten friendly with all the nursing staff over the several weeks I’d been visiting dad. I didn’t like her tone.
“I had planned to after lunch, is everything okay?” I ask her. If this woman told me that my father had passed away, I was going to the nearest cliff and jumping off. I could not handle more today.
“I believe Dr. Gin wanted to speak with you. I would also advise you to come as soon as you could, sir.” She commented. I was “sir” now. I’d never been “sir” the entire time I’d been visiting. Something was very wrong.
“Absolutely, I’ll get ready and head that way now,” I told her, closing the phone on any more words. I pulled my body from my bed and paused for a split second when I caught a whiff of Finn’s cologne. A sharp pain in my chest reminded me that I needed to hurry. Jumping in the shower and finding a decent shirt and jeans, I was ready in less that ten minutes. I hated showering Finn off of me, but I knew I couldn’t keep him on me forever.
I drove to the institution with my mind spinning but praying that I wasn’t too late. I hadn’t had a chance to tell him that I forgive him and even with all the shit that went on last night and the past- his past, blowing up in my face; I realize that I did forgive him. He’d proven that he wasn’t the same person that he had been. He’d showed me that he was okay with the person I was, and because of him, he inadvertently brought me to Finn. How could I hate him for that?
I hated the pitying eyes that greeted me as I checked in and waited for the “go ahead” to come in. I met the doctor right away, where he took me to a room for privacy.
“Mr. Perry, I’m very sorry to have to come in for this. I know this isn’t easy.” He started out. I wanted to yell at him to get on with it. I needed to know if my dad was dead.
“You know the nature of your dad’s illness, and I know we’ve kept you abreast of everything along the way, but it seems that as of now; his liver and kidneys are failing. An infection caused by his disease is causing the deterioration, and his organs, one by one are slowly shutting down. We knew this would happen, eventually, though I hoped for more time. However, I guess we always wish for more time, don’t we? I think given the rapidness of his deterioration, I’d say within the next couple days; we should prepare for the worst.” Dr. Gin had plenty of practice with that speech, his voice never wavered. My life was falling apart, but his voice never wavered. I nodded that I’d heard him and asked if I could go see dad now.
“Of course, he’s awake and being made comfortable.” He tells me. I thank him, and we part ways. Dad looked the same as he had been; not terrible but not any better, it was impossible to know what was going on inside his body for me. I wouldn’t have known any differently had I just came in like any normal day.
“Jay,” Dad said softly, smiling a big smile when he noticed me.
“Hey, Dad.” I croak, walking slowly to his bed.
“You look tired, did you work last night?” He asks me, but I can’t answer with words, so I shake my head instead. “What’s going on? Did you talk to the doctor?” He asks. I nodded.
“Do you think you can bring me more of that red licorice? The nurse on evening shift lets me have them.” He suddenly changed subjects, knowing I was about to break.
“Yeah, I can do that,” I whisper, taking his hand and squeezing it, probably too hard. My dad’s grip is just as firm.
“Dad” I start to say, but he interrupts.
“Let’s not, huh? Let’s not do that.” He smiles a watery smile up at me. I can’t though; I can’t pretend anymore.
“I forgive you.” I blurt. His eyes close as if he’s in pain. “I forgive you for everything, Dad. I know, and I appreciate you reaching out t
o me. I’m glad I got to see you, got to know you; and I’m sorry that things turned out the way they did for you. I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you Dad.” I cried as he pulled me down and let me cry into his chest. I cried for the kid that I was and the man that I’d be without him. This should’ve been a turning point for us, and instead, I was losing him. Even if he didn’t deserve the salvation, which I believed that he did; how was it fair to me? Hadn’t I suffered enough?
“It’s okay. Hey, everything’s okay. I’m still here.” He tells me. He is still here, but for how long? Days, hours. That was it. I had hours left with him. I pulled the chair up next to his bed and sat with him in the quiet, solemn room. My head hurt; my chest hurt, and I felt at times like I couldn’t even take a breath. I was worn out and empty. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I knew that it would never stop hurting.
When dad fell asleep, after a double dose of his pain medication, I excused myself to call my grandma. I filled her in on everything, and she cried along with me as I recounted dad and my last conversation. I wanted to call Finn and ask him if he’d come and just, hold me for a second, but I knew I didn’t have that right; so I didn’t. I’d seen the missed calls and texts from him, but I was too chicken to open them up right now. I didn’t think I’d survive any more bad news and I didn’t need it in black and white, that he didn’t want to see me anymore.
Dad slept a lot after his pain pill, and the nurse told me that he could probably still hear me. He wasn’t in a coma or anything, just resting but it would probably calm him to hear my voice and let him know that I was here. I’d also called my boss and told them I wasn’t going to be in the rest of the week and they knew my situation, and how I’d come to be there, so they understood and were sympathetic. Word must’ve traveled fast because Ellie had text me and insisted that she check in every couple of hours.