Rage forced Lillian to her feet. “She isn’t!” she shouted. Needing to move, she crossed to a window and stood with her shaking hands shoved into her robe’s pockets.
A chair scraped across stone; a moment later, Lillian felt Sophia’s hand on her back. “I’m sorry, but I had to say it,” Sophia murmured. “I don’t want to see you hurt like that again.”
And it had hurt, and still did. After all this time, it still hurt as if it had happened yesterday, not almost twenty years ago.
“Maddy’s young. She’s not much older than Caroline was when she left.”
“Maddy isn’t Caroline,” Lillian said quietly. “Perhaps she does see me as nothing more than a bit of amusement, but she’s never been cruel.”
“Perhaps not, but if she sees you as nothing more than a bed partner, you’ll be hurt nonetheless. Because you don’t see her that way, do you?”
She took her time answering. “No.” Even though they’d never spent time together outside Maddy’s bedchamber—apart from the training room, but that didn’t count.
“Have you told her how you feel?”
No, because she was afraid Maddy might tell her she was too old to be more than a bed warmer. As Sophia had pointed out, Maddy was only twenty-four; she’d likely grow bored with the monastery’s loner once the novelty had worn off, especially since she spent most of her time with fresh-faced initiates. And if Lillian were to voice her feelings to Maddy, she could no longer pretend that Maddy didn’t matter. She’d be vulnerable, and she hated being vulnerable.
“You do talk, don’t you?” Sophia asked.
“Not about . . . whatever it is we’re doing,” she said, glad that Sophia couldn’t see her face.
“Oh dear.” Sophia stepped to Lillian’s side and slipped an arm around her shoulders. “Talk to her, Lillian. You might not like what she says, but at least you’ll know.”
She rested her head on Sophia’s shoulder. “Do you think I’m making a fool of myself?” she asked faintly.
Sophia squeezed her. “I don’t know. Only Maddy can answer that. So talk to her.”
The prayer bell sounded. Lillian tutted. “I wanted to check an experiment.”
“No time now.” Sophia dashed to her desk and gulped down the remains of her tea. “You can do it after prayers.”
When Lillian had nothing in particular to say to Salbine, which happened often, she took advantage of early morning prayers to plan her day. But she knew what she’d beseech Salbine for today: courage.
*****
Maddy plunked her bowl onto the wooden table and squeezed herself onto the bench between Nora and Rose. She stirred her porridge, hardly able to hear her spoon scraping the bowl over the spirited chatter that filled the communal dining hall.
Gwendolyn and Abigail eyed her from across the table. “We got the shock of our lives last night,” Gwendolyn said over the din.
Maddy nodded. “I couldn’t believe it when I saw Merrin. What on earth did he think he was doing?”
“Oh, well, that was shocking too, but I wasn’t referring to that.”
Maddy paused her spoon. “Oh?”
“I meant Mistress Lillian coming out of your chambers,” Gwendolyn said, her eyes bright.
Those around Maddy grew quiet. “You spent the night with Mistress Lillian?” Rose said around a mouthful of porridge.
“I didn’t know you’d taken up the study of ancient artifacts,” Nora said, prompting gales of laughter.
Maddy hunched her shoulders and quickly lifted a spoonful of porridge to her mouth. The sooner she finished eating, the sooner she could escape.
“I’m sure there are easier ways to pass your fire exam,” Gwendolyn said.
“What are you implying?” Maddy snapped, more offended on Lillian’s behalf than her own.
“Don’t be crude, Gwendolyn,” Rose said.
“All right, maybe she was with the mistress because she misses her ma,” Gwendolyn said, provoking a chorus of groans.
“Thank you very much,” Abigail shouted, rising from the bench. “I have a hard enough time choking down this slop every morning without you saying things that make me want to bring it back up. Salbine preserve me.” She grabbed her bowl and stomped off to another table.
Gwendolyn rolled her eyes. “She’s always cranky when she hasn’t had enough sleep.”
“Or maybe you’re not as funny as you think you are,” Rose said.
Maddy silently thanked her friend. She should stand up for herself and Lillian, but Gwendolyn would only twist anything she said to show off her so-called wit.
Gwendolyn threw Rose a dirty look. “If Maddy wasn’t so quiet, we wouldn’t have to speculate. So come on, Maddy, enlighten us. What’s the attraction?”
Maddy dropped her spoon into her porridge. If Gwendolyn thought she’d defend or explain herself, she could think again! “I’m sure you were shocked when you realized Mistress Lillian was in my chambers,” she said, bristling. “But not half as shocked as I would have been to see anyone come out of yours.”
When everyone snickered, Maddy felt ashamed to have sunk to Gwendolyn’s level. Her anger shifted from Gwendolyn to herself. If she continued to see Lillian, she’d have to get used to the teasing and the barbs, learn to brush them off.
Gwendolyn glared at her. “Perhaps I’m more discreet than you,” she said with a sniff, then drained her mug of milk and slammed it down on the table. “And I can assure you that if you ever do see someone come out of my chambers, she’ll be my age!” She rose and flung “See you all at morning prayers” over her shoulder as she strode off in a huff.
With Gwendolyn gone, everyone seemed content to let the subject drop, at least until Maddy had finished breakfast. She was on her way to feed the squirrels, her pockets stuffed with the nuts one of the cooks always put aside, when Rose caught up with her. She slipped her arm through Maddy’s as they neared a copse popular with the squirrels in the monastery’s western grounds. “Now that we’re alone, tell me everything!” she squealed. “How did you end up with Mistress Lillian?”
Maddy had entered the monastery a month after Rose, and they’d become fast friends. They usually told each other everything. Rose wouldn’t give her any peace if she refused to divulge details. “It started during my second fire lesson,” she said as she dug a handful of nuts from her pocket and scattered them on the ground. Trying to coax that one shy squirrel to take a nut from her hand would have to wait; even the brave ones were still in the trees, suspicious of the stranger.
“You mean last night wasn’t the first time?” Rose exclaimed, elbowing Maddy in the ribs. “Why haven’t you said anything?”
“Because I wasn’t sure if Lil—the mistress wanted anyone to know.” They’d always managed to make it to her chambers without running into anyone on her floor. And since Lillian attended early morning prayers, she was always gone by the time Maddy and the other initiates woke. Maddy had wondered what Lillian would do if she wasn’t expected at the chapel, if she would still slip out early, regardless.
“So what happened at your second lesson?”
She’d literally fallen into Lillian’s arms. “I drew fire for the first time.”
“Right, I remember you telling me. I didn’t want to say anything at the time, but I was surprised that you waited until your second lesson. I did it during my first lesson, and so did Abigail and Grace.”
Perhaps she would have done the same, if Lillian hadn’t been her tutor. As a rule, Lillian didn’t accept students. Horror had rippled through the assembled initiates when Mistress Ivy announced that because Mistress Clarissa was away tending to her ailing ma, Mistress Lillian had agreed to teach one student about the basics of drawing fire. The same thought had run through everyone’s mind: please, don’t let it be me! To the initiates, Lillian was an intimidating figure, a powerful mage who cared little for people and was easily annoyed. She spent most of her time preparing poisons in a secret laboratory—at least that was the rumour. Aloof,
impatient, unforgiving, and in possession of a supply of poisons—who’d want someone like that for a tutor?
Maddy couldn’t have been more dismayed when Mistress Ivy announced that Lillian would be her tutor. Everyone patted her arm in sympathy, relief in their eyes. By the time she arrived at the training room for her first lesson at the unusual time of eight in the evening—when Lillian could “fit her in”—she was terrified of making a mistake or of failing to quickly grasp a concept, sure that Lillian would eagerly pounce on her. Nothing could have been further from the truth. If anything, Lillian was bored, valiantly trying to appear engaged while wishing she were somewhere else. Still, Maddy was too nervous to draw fire during that first lesson. When she’d tried and failed, Lillian hadn’t pushed her. “Next lesson,” she’d said as she’d dashed off to wherever she’d rather have been for the past hour.
“Well, I didn’t try until my second lesson,” she said to Rose, not wanting to admit to her failures, “and the mistress warned me not to draw too quickly or I might feel nauseous or light-headed.”
Rose nodded. “I swayed a little.”
Maddy snorted as she pulled Rose away from the trees and up the path that led to the inner courtyard. She’d visit her other spots later; she preferred to be alone when she fed her furry friends. “I did more than sway.” Fortunately Lillian had been prepared. “I almost fainted, and would have ended up on the floor if the mistress hadn’t caught me.”
“Did she get angry?” Rose asked, her eyes wide.
“No. I grabbed onto her to steady myself.” Lillian’s rough robe had scratched her hands. “And I looked up at her, and she looked at me, and I don’t know why, but . . . I kissed her. Or she kissed me. Or we kissed each other. I don’t know, we just kissed.”
“Mistress Lillian!”
“Yes.” And they hadn’t stopped at one kiss. The lesson, the training room, everything had faded away as they’d melted into each other. They’d briefly come to their senses when they’d started to unbutton their robes and remembered where they were. “We ended up in my bedchamber, and that’s where we’ve ended up after every lesson since.”
“Mistress Lillian?”
“Will you stop saying that, please?”
“Sorry,” Rose murmured. “You’ve certainly kept it quiet.”
“As I said, I wasn’t sure what the mistress wanted.”
“You, obviously.” Rose grinned, then yelped when Maddy playfully slapped her arm. “Though are you sure you’re not part of some experiment?”
She hoped not.
“I didn’t think Mistress Lillian had,” Rose lowered her voice, “those sorts of needs.”
Maddy could personally vouch that she did.
“But she does like to do experiments, or so I’ve heard,” Rose added.
“Maybe she does.” She’d heard the same, and wished she could hear it from Lillian herself. “But I’m not part of an experiment.”
Rose grunted, looking unconvinced. “What do you think will happen, now that everyone knows?”
“I don’t know.” She paused. “I hope she’ll still see me.”
Rose stopped and faced her. “You like her! As more than a friend, I mean.”
Maddy nodded. “But I don’t know how she feels.” She bit her lip. “Do you think I’m foolish?”
“No. You can’t control who you like in that way.”
“Oh, so if I could control it, then you’d think I’m foolish,” Maddy said ruefully.
“I didn’t say that,” Rose said with a laugh, slipping her arm through Maddy’s again. “I just hope the mistress likes you in the same way you like her.”
She fervently hoped so, too. Her next lesson should be interesting—though it could turn out to be disappointing and humiliating if Lillian made it clear that she’d return to her own chambers when it finished.
Rose frowned. “We’ll be a bit early if we go to the chapel now.”
“Let’s go to my chambers so I can empty my pockets.”
“Tell me about what happened with Merrin,” Rose said as they wandered toward the Initiates Tower. “I wish I’d been there.”
“Somehow he got past the defenders at the—”
“Maddy, look!”
She followed Rose’s gaze, and her breath caught in her throat. Lillian stood near the Initiates Tower’s main entrance. When they approached her, she crooked a finger. “Sister Maddy, a word, please.”
“I’ll see you at chapel.” Rose let go of Maddy’s arm and bobbed a curtsey to Lillian. “Mistress.”
“Yes, run along, Sister—um . . .” Lillian screwed up her face. “Rose! Yes, Sister Rose.”
With an amused smirk, Rose strolled away.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Lillian said as soon as Rose was out of earshot. “I should have waited until your next lesson. We can talk then.”
“You didn’t interrupt anything,” Maddy said quickly. Waiting until her lesson would be excruciating. “We were just on our way to my chambers, so I can empty my pockets before morning prayers.”
Lillian looked down at Maddy’s bulging pockets. “Oh.”
“What would you like to talk to me about?” Maddy asked, hoping Lillian wouldn’t rush off.
“Talk . . . Yes, talk.” Lillian scratched her head. “Let’s go in. I don’t want to be interrupted.” Without waiting for a reply, she pushed open the door and disappeared inside.
Maddy followed, in time to see Lillian knock on one of the first floor study room doors and open it a crack. She closed it and moved on to the next one. “In here,” she said, waving Maddy inside. She shut the door behind Maddy. They remained standing, ignoring the four chairs around a square table. Lillian stared at Maddy and gulped.
“Was the abbess upset about Merrin?” Maddy asked, then kicked herself. She wasn’t supposed to know about Lillian seeing the abbess.
“No,” Lillian said. “Well, not really.”
“Good.”
“She wanted to know who I was with last night.”
Maddy’s heart sank. “Oh.”
“Talking to the abbess helped clarify things for me. About you.”
No wonder Lillian seemed nervous. Telling someone you’d no longer share her bed was never easy, regardless of how much or little you cared for her. Maddy braced herself.
“I realized . . .” Lillian swallowed. “I realized that I’d like to know more about you, more than how well you draw fire and . . . and how you like to be touched. I’d like to spend time with you outside your bedchamber.” She crossed her arms against her chest and gripped her robe. “But that’s probably not what you want. And that’s all right. I understand.” She turned to the door. “I won’t keep you.”
“Wait! Please don’t go, Lillian. I want the same thing you do,” Maddy blurted, elated.
Lillian became very still. “You do?”
“Yes, very much. I’ve wanted to ask to see you, but I didn’t know if that’s what you want.” She longed to touch Lillian, but Lillian’s posture dissuaded her.
“It is,” Lillian said, turning to Maddy and slowly lowering her arms.
They stared at each other. “Would you like to meet tonight, after evening prayers?” Maddy asked, sensing that Lillian’s nerve had run its course. She’d already learned that a shy woman hid beneath the bluster.
“Yes, I would.” Lillian’s face fell. “Oh, but I have to go to my laboratory, to prepare something for Mistress Meredith. I’d do it earlier, but I’m helping Thomas all day. It has to be tonight. She needs it.”
So the laboratory did exist. But what would Mistress Meredith want with poison? “Would you like company?”
Lillian hesitated, then nodded.
“Where is it?”
“What?”
“Your laboratory.”
“Oh. Why don’t you meet me outside the chapel after the service?”
“All right.”
Lillian cleared her throat. “Well, then.” She looked down at Maddy’s pocke
ts. “What’s in your pockets?”
“Nuts.”
“Nuts?” Lillian’s brow furrowed. “All for you?”
The morning prayer bell sounded. Maddy couldn’t resist the urge to touch Lillian any longer. She took Lillian’s hand and rubbed her thumb along the red markings on its back, markings that matched those on her own hands. Warmth flooded through her when she felt Lillian’s fingers curl around hers. “No, not for me. I’ll tell you later.”
Lillian nodded and squeezed Maddy’s hand. “Later, then.” She turned to leave the room, but not before Maddy caught her smile.
Chapter Two
Maddy followed Rose to the chapel’s leftmost aisle, resisting the urge to glance at the bench where Lillian usually sat. She was already disappointed with herself for staring at Lillian’s back throughout the service, instead of focusing during prayers.
Rose gripped her arm as they entered the chapel’s vestibule. “You all right?” she asked.
“Just a little nervous,” Maddy admitted, feeling excited, sick, and silly. She’d lain with Lillian numerous times over the past several weeks, so the prospect of holding an extended conversation with the woman shouldn’t petrify her.
Outside, she pulled Rose over to one of the torches lighting the path, to make it easier for Lillian to spot her. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” she murmured.
“I thought it’s what you want,” Rose said.
“It is. But—”
“She’s coming,” Rose hissed. “Good luck! I want to hear all about it later—or maybe tomorrow,” she said with a glint in her eye.
Maddy turned as Rose hurried off, and took a deep breath, trying to look at ease.
“Come with me,” Lillian said, briefly meeting Maddy’s eyes but not breaking stride. “Lovely night, isn’t it?” she said when Maddy fell into step with her. “Though it feels like rain is on the way.”
“Yes,” Maddy said, “though I hope it stays away. Tomorrow’s market day.”
Lillian glanced at her. “You go to the market?”
She nodded. Every two weeks she wound her way down the hill to Merrin’s market after morning prayers with a group of sisters and defenders, and several mules. She didn’t actually trade for any goods; the defenders did all the haggling for the herbs, textiles, glass, and other items the monastery required. They didn’t have to go every two weeks, especially since the monastery cultivated its own crops, had plentiful stores, and tradesmen devoted to Salbine lived within its walls. But while the defenders honed their bargaining skills, the sisters mingled with the townsfolk and noted their concerns, particularly those for which they could offer help or that might spell trouble for the monastery. Maddy loved to wander among the stalls with their brightly-coloured awnings, listening to the peddlers shouting enticements to browse their wares, ruffling the hair of the wide-eyed children who bobbed before her, and offering an encouraging word or a promise of aid to those who approached her and confided their worries.
The Salbine Sisters Page 2