When had things gotten so … complicated?
“You okay?” Will asked when they stepped into the elevator.
Sophie glanced over at him and nodded. His hazel eyes were filled with concern he didn’t bother to mask, and she was instantly grateful for it. She needed to see something on his face that told her he was still in it—besides the fact that he was slightly protective over her. She wanted commitment, not ownership. And the look he gave her in that moment showed his.
“Yeah.”
Without warning, he extended his finger so his pinky hooked onto hers and he held it. It was such a simple gesture, yet filled with so much … affection that Sophie nearly broke down in the elevator. That was what she needed, and she hadn’t even known. Yet somehow, Will knew.
“What are your plans for the rest of the day?” he asked. His voice was casual, but there was an underlying message there. He wanted to be with her. The school was still practically empty. There weren’t a lot of returnees, and probably wouldn’t be until New Year’s was finished when the second semester was upon them. They could probably hang out in his flat in the Ignis Tower without anyone even noticing.
“I’m going to talk to Jason,” she told him, her eyes honest. The elevator reached the first floor, and Will had to let her go. It felt unnatural, not to be connected to him in some way. “I need to … Well, I need to talk to him.”
“Yeah.” A pause. “I’ll be on my floor for the rest of the night, grading papers. I was thinking we could get an evening training session in. We need to get back into the swing of things. It’ll be cool then. We could go running.”
Training was the last thing on Sophie’s mind, but maybe that was what she needed. She still hadn’t told Will about the letter, and she wanted to do that as soon as possible. But she wanted the timing to be right. Will was a realist, and she knew what she could expect once she told him: blunt honesty that she most certainly wasn’t going to like. He was going to be protective. He was going to insist she didn’t get her hopes up. She didn’t even know how she felt about it, quite honestly, which was why she hadn’t yet said anything. Maybe she should just show him the letter and get his take on that.
She shook her head, still unsure of what to do. She knew she would have to tell him. Eventually. And she wanted to.
Maybe training would be the place to do it.
“So that’s a no then?” When they stepped into the crisp day—odd for a Catalina summer, though their days did tend to run a little cool being surrounded by the ocean—Sophie felt herself wake up a bit more. While she enjoyed her time with Will at the cabin, she missed being able to hear the waves crash into the sea from here, missed being able to smell the subtle hint of salt in the air. This was her home, and she was glad she was back.
“Sorry,” Sophie said with a smile. “No, that’s not what I meant. Training sounds like a good idea. Just tell me where and when, and I’ll be there.”
Will smiled at her, and though they weren’t touching, it felt like they were.
14
“There’s something going on between those two.”
“What was that?”
Jane pushed her lips together, feeling her face start to crawl with embarrassment. She hadn’t realized she had spoken out loud. And she hadn’t realized someone was in the room with her. Depogare was good at filtering in and out of a place without so much as a breath, let alone a word, and the silence would trick Jane at times just because if it was so quiet, she assumed she was alone.
“Nothing,” she said quickly, but even she knew what a farce that sounded like.
Depogare sighed through his nose, looking at her with his midnight blue eyes from his seat next to her side. He touched her hand with his—she could feel him hesitate—before covering it with his own. The size difference was palpable, but it made her feel safe. She looked at it, tried to memorize it, because if Depogare was one thing, it was not affectionate. This seemed to be something out of a twisted, unromantic fairytale.
“You can trust me, Jane,” he said. “I know things between us have been … complicated at best, but I can assure you that you can trust me. I want you to feel that you can come to me with anything, and know I’ll be here to listen to whatever it is you have to say.”
“Even if it’s about inappropriate relationships and girl stuff?” Jane asked, arching a skeptical brow. “It’s not like in some teacher code where you’re forced to tell Ethan if I mentioned that based on my observations, it would appear as though Professor Bennett and Sophie seemed more … I don’t know. Something happened between them during their time away. I can’t put my finger on it, but something has clearly changed. I’m sure she would have told me if you weren’t here.”
“I’m sorry I prevented you from your daily dose of drama,” Depogare said with a flat tone. “However, to answer your question, there is something in the instructor manual about associating with students and an instructor’s responsibility should he notice anything untoward. However, I cannot take action based on assumptions, so if you wish to further speculate, you should know that your speculations are … safe.”
Jane felt her heart warm at his comments, though they were anything but romantic.
“Jane, I need to speak to you about something important,” Depogare continued, shifting gears. She looked at him and nodded, wondering what it was he could want to speak to her about. “It’s important to me to discuss what happened between us—”
“No, that’s fine.” Jane cut him off abruptly. She honestly didn’t want to hear why they couldn’t be together and how this was what was best for them again. She already had to listen to it once; she didn’t possess the patience to do it a second time.
“No, it’s important,” he continued, his voice more firm. “It’s important that you hear me.”
“I dreamt about you,” she told him. She hadn’t even admitted it to herself, but now, the words came out and she couldn’t stop them. It had felt so real that she nearly cried when she realized it wasn’t. “Before I woke up, I dreamt about you, and I don’t want to taint that. I don’t want to ruin that. So please, let me have this. You don’t need to say anything, but please let me have this.”
“You dreamt about me?”
“You don’t have to seem so surprised,” she told him. She started to feel angry with him, that he could be in such denial over her feelings. He didn’t have to agree with her, he didn’t have to understand them, but he needed to acknowledge them. It wasn’t as though she chose to love him; he was the last person on the planet she would choose to give her heart to. But things never went according to plan. “You already know how I feel about you. Nothing has changed. I don’t want to hear what you have to say, though. I’m not trying to be disrespectful, but I know how you feel. And I don’t expect that’s changed, either. So all I’m asking is that you let me keep my dream intact.”
“It felt real, didn’t it?”
Well, that was a surprise. Her whole thought process paused, and she went numb as she let his words sink in.
“What do you mean?” she asked, unsure where this was going or what it meant.
“I remember you were wearing a dress the color of champagne,” he said, and the way the sun hit his eyes reflected in the window, she could tell that he genuinely remembered. “You were staring out the window. Your hair looked like gold, and your eyes like the rain forest. I watched you from the bed. We had …” Now, he hesitated, and she knew why. That was most definitely inappropriate, especially when discussed with a student.
“We woke up together,” she continued, deciding to take the lead. He didn’t need to finish his sentence because she knew what he was going to say. He knew it, too. “It felt … perfect.”
“You were watching the sunrise. You looked like you came from a picture. I can remember it, still so vivid in my mind. You were speaking nonsense.”
“I was speaking the truth,” she told him, and his lip turned up in amusement. She felt her heart flutter at the si
ght. “I’m being honest, Depogare … Daryl. See? I have no idea what to call you anymore. In my dream, you were Daryl, and it felt so natural to call you by your first name.”
“You can say it,” he told her. “When no one’s around.” A pause. His eyes were locked on his hand over hers, studying it. She wondered if he was memorizing it, too. “I like the way you say my name.”
She looked at him, really looked at him, and suddenly realized his resistance. “You’re scared.” She didn’t ask him because she knew it to be true. There was no point in having him deny it, and she knew that if she posed it as a question, he would most certainly deny it. Instead, she stated it, and just as she expected, he didn’t respond. Instead, he merely stared at her, and that was enough.
Jane shook her head, not quite believing it. “Why?” she asked.
“Why, what?”
“Why are you scared?” She pushed her brow up. “You saw the way we were in that dream. You felt it. Don’t you want that here, in real life?”
“I do have it here,” he said, more defensively than he originally intended. “I just can’t turn my feelings off, Jane. You have no idea how I feel about you, and if I can help it, you never will. Those feelings do not give us a right to be together. You are young and impressionable. Just because I only look a few years older than you, does not mean I am. I’ve been on this planet for fifteen hundred years. I’m light years ahead of you in maturity and experience.”
“Oh, really?” she asked, starting to get emotional again. She tried to calm herself down as best as she could. “I’m sorry I’m not as mature as you are, but let me ask you a question: have you ever shared dreams with someone before?”
“I’m sorry?”
“What, you think sharing a dream is common? Maybe it’s something quis do because of our animus link? I’ve never had dreams with other people in a dream they dream, too. Have you?”
“No, of course I haven’t.” He shook his head so his dark copper hair followed the swift movements. “To be honest, I have no idea how we’re both able to share a dream. Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps it does have to do with our quis ability.” A sharp pause, suddenly thick with tension. “Have you shared a dream with Mr. Johnson?”
Jane gave him a dry look. “Come on,” she told him. “You are not allowed to be jealous when you refuse to acknowledge that you want to be with me, that you care about me.” She thought for a moment, deciding not to keep him wondering even though she wanted to. “And no, I’ve never shared a dream with Calvin, and I hope I never do.”
“Jane, let me tell you something I’ve yet to admit out loud even to myself, let alone you,” Depogare said, his tone serious. He looked really cute scruffy, she realized. She wished he let himself look this way more often. “I want nothing more than to express my feelings to you in every way possible. I want to show you, tell you, and whatever else you would allow me to do so you would feel the way I do about you. Like I told you, I’ve been around for so long, and you have not. You haven’t yet experienced all that life has to offer. You haven’t traveled. You haven’t fallen in love. And I refuse to keep you from those experiences. You will be around forever, if someone doesn’t try and harm you. The likelihood of any relationship remaining the same forever is practically impossible.”
“Practically, but not exact.” Jane felt her anger dissipate, and her green eyes gazed down at her hands. “Listen, Daryl, you’re right. I can’t predict the future. I have no idea what it feels like to live for that period of time. I’m sure you’ve been in and out of love your entire life.” She rubbed her lips together, and forced herself to look at him. “I love you. And to me, that’s an experience worth exploring. I’m not expecting a promise that we’ll be together forever. I can’t even imagine getting married at all or having children. I’m young! I’m still in high school. But I know I want to experience things with you while I have you.” She stopped and shifted her eyes toward the window. “My parents … I thought they’d be together forever. But once they announced their divorce, I realized, looking back, that they weren’t happy. I mean, I never saw them fight. But they weren’t affectionate or silly or happy. And when I realized that, I promised if I wasn’t happy, I would do something about it. I’m the only person responsible for my happiness, but I can surround myself with people who enhance it.
“Daryl, you have no idea how you make me feel. And maybe you think I’m acting crazy and inappropriate, maybe you didn’t like what I said in the dream. But it’s true. I don’t want to live my life based on what others expect from me. That’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to me. I’m not saying we have to act lovey-dovey or thrust it in people’s faces that we’re together. We shouldn’t do that; you’re right. It just upsets me that you won’t even try, except in a dream. So if that’s the only way I get you, I want to hold onto that. Because it’s perfect, and I don’t ever want to let you go. I can’t force you to love me or be with me, but I can promise you’ll regret it. You think I’ll live forever, and maybe I will, but you can’t predict life. So don’t live your life a certain way because you think you know how it’s going to turn out.”
“Jane.” Without warning, he slid his hand from hers in order to brush errant strands of hair out of her face and curl them behind her ear.
“Maybe we haven’t been together,” Jane said, her body leaning into his touch naturally. She couldn’t fight it if she tried. “But the dream was telling the truth: you’ll still miss me when I’m gone.”
15
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
Come on, Soph. You can do this.
Sophie stood in front of Jason’s door, her hand poised to knock, when the door flew open and her boyfriend stood there. He seemed surprised to see her, but then he smiled, and before she realized it, he had pulled her into a long kiss. She let him, but her body screamed with tension. This wasn’t what she wanted, and yet she felt bad forcing him to stop.
Technically, they were still boyfriend and girlfriend. He wasn’t doing anything wrong.
But she was. And she needed to fix it. Now.
“Jason!” she said, pulling back from him. “Are you busy?”
“I was going to go meet up with Luke and Bryan at Luna’s. You should come, babe! We’ve all missed you. I’m sure you have some stories to share about Will.”
“I—” She couldn’t go and sit there, forcing smiles and pretending to laugh and tell stories about Will like he was on one side and they were on the other. It wasn’t the most ideal timing, but if she was going to break up with Jason, it needed to happen right now. “I need to talk to you. Is anyone in your room? Could we go there?”
“Yeah.” He stopped and really looked at Sophie. His brown eyes swept over her face, her body, as though he was making sure she wasn’t hurt. Her heart constricted at his thoughtfulness. He didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve him. “Come in, come in. You okay, babe?”
“Yeah, yeah, I just …” She waited for the door to close behind them before turning around. Her hands were shoved in her pockets, and she wanted nothing more than to stare at the carpet, out the window, even at Jason’s wrinkled blue bed sheets, than to look in his eyes and watch as she broke his heart. “We need to talk.”
“Okay …” He let his voice trail off, and she realized she was grateful. Grateful that he didn’t immediately get defensive and demand to know what she wanted to talk about or come to the conclusion that she was going to break up with him even before she got the chance to tell him what she needed to say.
“Do you want to sit?” she asked, and even she winced at how silly that sounded. She was prolonging this, when she needed to actually do it. Like ripping off a band aid.
Jason started to put the pieces together, Sophie could tell. His brown eyes got hard and he crossed his arms over his chest, as though to protect himself from whatever it was Sophie wanted to say. “I’m fine standing,” he told her, “but whatever it is you need
to say better come out of your mouth next because I don’t want to play games or draw this out longer than we have to. And,” he continued quickly, “if you change your mind and don’t want to talk, we can still leave now. We don’t have to talk.”
“We do.” As much as Sophie wanted to avoid this, brush it off until later, she knew this wasn’t something she could just procrastinate. She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to figure out where to start, what to say, how to say it. She had never broken up with anybody before, and she wasn’t sure how to do it the right way—if there was a right way to break up with someone. Jason deserved the right way; he didn’t deserve any of this. “Do you want to sit?”
“Listen, Sophie,” Jason shook his head, not looking at her, “if you’re going to do what I think you’re going to do, I wish you would just do it. Everyone knows that something happened between you and Will, but I didn’t believe it. The fact of the matter is, though, it’s weird for a teacher to take one of his students to his cabin in the woods.”
“It’s not like that at all, Jason.” It was exactly like that, but Sophie was a little upset with the rumors already circulating. Which meant Jason had told everyone, because Jason was the only person she told besides Jane, and she was certain Jane wouldn’t tell anyone—not even her close friend, Elle. “I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have a family to go home to. Will was just being nice. He didn’t want me to be alone for the holidays.”
“I was going to invite you to my place to meet my parents, Soph. I’ve never done that before. As your boyfriend, don’t you think it’s my responsibility to make sure you’re not alone for the holidays? And as my girlfriend, shouldn’t you want to be with me more than you want to be with anyone else?”
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