Nerd Gone Wild

by Vicki Lewis Thompson

  “Here they are!” Betsy said. “Sit, sit. I’ll bring you coffee. And I’m making oatmeal this morning.”

  “Sounds great,” Ally said. She was starving.

  “I’ll come over and get my own,” Mitch said. “I’m not all that hungry, this morning, Betsy. Toast will be fine.”

  Tanya glanced up. She sent a perfunctory smile in Ally’s direction before focusing on Mitch. “Sorry I didn’t see you again last night, Mitchell.” She took a top-to-bottom inventory, but lingered at crotch level. “You missed a good time.”

  “That’s the truth,” Betsy said. “Poopsie tap-danced on the bar for a solid hour. What a showman.” She gazed fondly at her main squeeze.

  Clyde blushed. “Thanks, Kitty-cat.”

  Tanya wrinkled her nose and went back to her catalog.

  “Sorry I missed your performance, Clyde.” Mitch walked over to the coffeepot, giving Tanya a wide berth.

  Ally sat down next to Tanya. Meanwhile she was thinking that Mitch needed more than toast and coffee after all their activity last night. And there she went, worrying like a girlfriend. She wasn’t a girlfriend. She was his job. Big difference.

  “Hi, Ally.” Clyde glanced at her over the rim of his coffee mug. “Sleep well?”

  “Great, thanks.”

  “Ally.” Tanya shoved the catalog over toward her. “I’ve picked out a few pieces of equipment I’d recommend that you buy. See what you think.”

  “Okay.” Ally was relieved that Tanya was focusing mostly on photography this morning. That was an improvement. She looked at the things Tanya had circled—several different kinds of cameras, a tripod, extra lenses and a carrying case.

  All together, they’d add up to a nice piece of change. But Ally knew she needed equipment. “Looks like great stuff,” she said.

  “It is. I’ve dealt with these people for years, so it’ll be easier if I put in the order and have everything delivered to me. You’ll get better service that way, and I can make sure the gear works the way it should. You can write me a check today and I’ll get the process started.”

  Ally didn’t want to do that. Unless the teaching session went well, she’d be canceling this mentor arrangement. Having Tanya buy equipment would be another link binding them together.

  To stall for time, Ally made a big production of thanking Betsy for the coffee she brought over. Finally she turned to her problematic mentor. “Before I go ahead with that, I’d like to spend a little more time working with the camera I have. I’m sure you can show me how to get the most out of it, and then I can move on to bigger and better.”

  “Good plan,” Clyde said.

  But Tanya looked annoyed. “I don’t know how much we can accomplish until you have the right equipment.”

  “Maybe not a lot, but I’d still like to wait until you and I have gone out in the field to make those decisions. There are so many techniques I need to master and I want to take it slow, one step at a time. I’d rather buy the cameras one at a time, too, so that I can get used to each one before I move on to the next.”

  Tanya gazed at her. “You are seriously committed to this career, right?”

  “As serious as I can be without any experience or training.” Ally decided this was a good time to hedge her bets. “And remember that the pictures I took before were of animals used to being photographed. There’s the possibility that I have no talent for the real thing. You might be able to tell that right away, and that would save everyone time, trouble, and money.”

  “Sounds reasonable,” Betsy said. She put steaming bowls of oatmeal in front of Clyde and Ally. Then she paused behind Tanya’s chair. “Tanya, you said no oatmeal, right?”

  “Right. I’m not a big oatmeal fan.”

  Out of Tanya’s view, Betsy silently mimicked her words. Then she rolled her eyes. “Okey-dokey.”

  Ally was flabbergasted. Yesterday Betsy had been thrilled to give up her parlor to the great Tanya Mandell. Today she was making fun of her behind her back. She didn’t like Tanya much anymore, it seemed. That made a huge impression on Ally. Betsy wouldn’t do such an abrupt about-face without good reason.

  “So you want to wait on the equipment?” Tanya closed the catalog with an impatient slap of pages.

  “Yes, I do. For all I know, I won’t be any good at this, and I’d hate to waste the money.”

  Clyde nodded. “And you might be able to get some of that stuff used, Ally. Lots of folks get into photography and then give it up. Or maybe a photographer dies and all her equipment gets sold.” He said that almost cheerfully, as if looking forward to the time that would happen with Tanya’s equipment.

  “I can’t believe you want to nickel-and-dime your future that way.” There was a hard edge to Tanya’s blue-eyed stare.

  “Just being cautious, is all.” Ally looked away, uncomfortable with Tanya’s obvious hostility. She’d always imagined a woman like Tanya would have an open, curious expression, as if waiting for the natural world to amaze her. Not so in this case, or not this morning, at any rate.

  But Tanya had come up here to help, or so she’d said. Ally was determined to be polite. “Here’s what I’d like to do. I’d like to go out with you today and observe your technique. Then I can try a few shots. Because my camera’s digital, you could critique the pictures right away. How does that sound?”

  “I’ll bet Tanya needs another day to recover from her trip up here,” Mitch said. “I’m sure the weather will be nicer tomorrow.”

  “Might as well do it today.” Tanya pushed back her chair and glanced at Ally. “Just the two of us, then? Not your uncle?”

  “That was my idea.”

  She stood. “Then I’ll walk down to the fifth wheel and let your uncle Kurt know the plan. And we’ll need a snowmobile.”

  “Couldn’t we just walk into the woods?” Ally didn’t want to make a huge production out of this outing. “I saw some wolves there yesterday.”

  Tanya shook her head. “We need to get farther away from town if we expect to find anything interesting.”

  “Maybe you should take two snowmobiles,” Mitch said. “I’ll drive one and Ally can ride with me, and you can drive the other one.”

  Ally sighed. She’d thought Mitch understood why he shouldn’t go along. “I think it’d be better if you—”

  “You’re not invited, Mitchell,” Tanya said briskly. “This is work. One snowmobile will be fine. Where can we get one?”

  Ally was amazed. Maybe now she’d see Tanya’s professional side. “Rudy has two,” she said. “Maybe he’d be willing to rent one to us.” She glanced at Betsy. “Does he have a phone?”

  “Be a lot easier to walk down and ask him,” Betsy said. “He’ll probably let you borrow it for free. That way you can get the snowmobile yourself instead of making him bring it to you.”

  “I’ll go and get it for you,” Mitch said, “but how about waiting until this afternoon? It’ll be warmer then.”

  “I see no reason to wait,” Tanya said. “My time is valuable. I don’t intend to sit around the kitchen making small talk until the weather warms up.”

  Ally exchanged a look with Mitch. “I’m sure we’ll be back by lunchtime.” She hoped he’d figure out that right after lunch, Tanya would be leaving Porcupine. Ally couldn’t imagine working long-term with such an unpleasant person.

  Mitch set down his coffee mug with an air of resignation. “I’ll go get the snowmobile, then.”

  “You can’t miss Rudy’s place,” Betsy said. “It’s the little yellow house on the left on the road out of town. He has a sign out front that says THE EGGMAN. He’ll love showing off his chickens.”

  “And you can tell him about locating Lurleen.” Ally didn’t want Mitch to waste this trip down to Rudy’s. It would be the perfect time for a little man-to-man chat.

  Betsy turned to Mitch in surprise. “You found Lurleen? Where is that girl?”

  Tanya gave everyone a little wave. “Since I don’t know Lurleen, whoever she is, I’
ll leave you all to sort this out.” She walked out of the kitchen.

  Everyone fell silent for a couple of minutes, as if they were all waiting for Tanya to put on her boots and coat and leave. Finally the front door of the lodge opened and closed.

  Betsy sighed. “Her pictures are so wonderful. And she’s such a snot.”

  “Maybe she’s under a strain,” Clyde said. “She could be having family problems we don’t know about.”

  “Ha.” Betsy snorted. “If she has family problems, she’s at the bottom of it. I may like sex, but that woman is out of control. I told her in no uncertain terms that Poopsie was off-limits, but poor Serena isn’t that forceful, and she doesn’t have a real firm grip on Dave, either.”

  “It was kinda embarrassing, how Tanya went after him.” Clyde took a sip of coffee. “Extremely embarrassing, in fact. At first he seemed flattered, but then he started acting scared, like he wasn’t sure what wild thing she might do.”

  “Like grab his privates,” Mitch said darkly.

  “I wondered!” Clyde shook his head. “I saw you leap out of your seat like your tail was on fire, and you bought another beer when you hadn’t finished your first one.”

  “I agree, she’s a disaster,” Ally said. “And I feel terrible that you’re all having to put up with her.”

  “Aw, it’s not your fault,” Clyde said. “I know how it is when you’re trying to learn something. I had to put up with some weird folks in New York City while I was trying to make it. ‘Course, I finally got sick of having to do that and came home.”

  “I’m already sick of Tanya,” Ally said. “That’s why I didn’t get involved in buying equipment through her. Unless this morning goes really well, which I doubt, I’ll find some way to tell her thanks, but no thanks.”

  Betsy patted her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about us. We can handle her. If she can show you how to take pictures like she does, then you’re way ahead of the game. I was just blowing off steam.”

  “That’s right,” Clyde said. “Porcupinians can watch out for themselves. If she can help you up the ladder, you need to go for it.”

  “I still think you should wait until this afternoon,” Mitch said.

  “I want to get it over with. In fact, we need to get going. I’m sure she’ll be back before long, wondering where the snowmobile is.”

  “That’s right!” Betsy snapped her fingers and turned to Mitch. “You said you found Lurleen! How did you do that?”

  “Internet,” Mitch said.

  “Really?” Betsy looked impressed. “Maybe it’s good for something, after all. Poor Rudy nearly died of loneliness when that girl left. Between you and me, I think they had sexual problems. Rudy has a big heart, and probably some other things that are big, but he’s short on technique. Just my opinion.”

  “You could be right.” Ally kept her expression bland.

  “I thought about discussing it with him,” Betsy said. “But I was afraid how he’d take it. I didn’t want him to think I was hitting on him, bringing up subjects like that. Or worse yet, offering to tutor him. Those days are gone.”

  “Yeah, you never know what Rudy might think if you start trying to educate him about sex.” Mitch shot Ally a look. “Listen, before I go, is there any oatmeal left?”

  Betsy beamed at him. “That’s my boy. I knew you were all right, Mitchell, from the minute I laid eyes on you. I’ve almost forgiven you for breaking down my historic door. Not quite, but almost.”

  “It’ll be good as new in another day or so,” Clyde said. “I’m letting the glue dry.”

  “I haven’t heard any complaints about the missing door.” Betsy glanced from Mitch to Ally. “I suppose you’ve made do.”

  Ally knew she was blushing and couldn’t do a thing about it. “We’ve made do,” she said.

  Betsy nodded. “In that case, it might be worth a broken door.”

  * * *

  Vivian stormed into the fifth wheel, tracking dirt and snow all over the carpet. She unzipped her coat and plopped down on Kurt’s unmade bed. “She’s hopeless.”

  Kurt put aside his bowl of instant oatmeal. “You mean she doesn’t know how to take pictures?”

  “Oh, for God’s sake! You think I care about that? Let’s not get too deep into this cover story, Kurt baby. Next thing you’ll be expecting me to know how to take pictures.”

  “I thought you’d been practicing.”

  She glanced away. “Well, yeah, I’ve practiced.”

  Which meant she’d done zip. Probably the only picture she’d taken had been of his willy. “Viv! You’re supposed to know how to work all those cameras you bought. She’ll expect that.”

  She shrugged. “I can fake it.”

  “I sure hope to hell you can.” Kurt had a sinking sensation that all was not going according to plan. At least Vivian had come out of the Top Hat alone last night. He’d been worried she’d get distracted by the waiter and forget she was supposed to seduce Mitchell, instead.

  “Don’t worry about whether I’ll use the cameras right, okay, Kurt? It can’t be that hard. What I’m trying to explain to you is that this isn’t working because she’s totally uncooperative.”

  “Like how?”

  “She doesn’t want to buy the camera equipment yet!”

  “I guess there’s no rush. Once she sees you with yours, she’ll want the same thing.”

  “You don’t get it, do you?” Vivian popped up and started pacing around, which wasn’t easy in the cramped quarters. She kept bumping into things. “She’s not going along with anything. Not the coffee-table book, not the expensive cameras. She wants success the old-fashioned way. She wants to earn it. What a ridiculous attitude that is!”

  Kurt decided to steer Vivian onto a different subject. This one was going nowhere, and she was getting more furious by the second. “Did you seduce Mitchell last night?”

  “No, I did not! He’s playing footsie with your Little Miss Perfect, and I was stock with my vibrator all night long!” She rounded on him and waggled her finger in his face. “I’m warning you, I’m not doing that again tonight. I can’t be expected to live that way. A vibrator should be reserved for emergencies only!”

  “You’re absolutely right, Viv.” He spoke soothingly. “We’ll work that out. Don’t worry.” God, how was he going to keep her on task? She’d come up with the idea in no time, but coaxing her to follow through was turning into a nightmare.

  “I have to leave.” She headed for the door.

  “Where are you going?” He wasn’t crazy about having her on the loose when she was in this kind of mood. Anything could happen.

  “She wants us to go out and take pictures. So that’s what we’re going to do.”

  “Out where?”

  “Just out, Kurt! Into the wilderness!”

  “Wasn’t that what you expected?”

  She glared at him. “I expected this to move a whole lot faster, is what I expected.”

  They’d been in Porcupine less than twenty-four hours. He decided it wouldn’t be prudent to say that and enrage her even more. “It’ll work out, Viv. Once she sees all the cool equipment you have, she’ll want the same thing, and then we’ll talk her into the coffee table book, and more equipment. I was thinking we could get her to buy into a gallery, and—”

  “Peanuts!” Vivian zipped up her coat in one angry movement. “It’s all peanuts!” Then she went out the door, slamming it behind her.

  Kurt would have followed, except he was still in his underwear. Vivian hadn’t even noticed. She hadn’t tried any of her usual tricks, like making him eat all his oatmeal by promising him a blow job if he licked the bowl clean. Sometimes he got the blow job and sometimes not. That was the fun of it. He never knew.

  Granted, when Vivian was totally focused on sex, she was unpredictable, but at least he was familiar with that behavior. He’d never known her to lose all interest in sex. It made him very uneasy.

  * * *

  Mitch climbed onto
a snowy porch and knocked on the door of Rudy’s egg-yolk-yellow house. When Rudy opened the door, the stench of chicken poop made Mitch back up a step. What a hellacious odor! He didn’t think all the orgasms in the world would make a woman agree to live with that. He smiled weakly. “Hi, Rudy.”

  “Hey, glad to see you, Mitch! Come in, come in!”

  “Actually, I have a favor to ask.” He tried breathing through his mouth, which helped some. “Ally and Tanya would like to rent one of your snowmobiles.”

  “They don’t have to pay me. They can just use it.” The sound of squawking and rustling of feathers came from inside the house. “Hang on a sec, and I’ll get the keys. You sure you don’t want to come in?”

  “That’s okay. No point in getting warm and then cold again. Thanks, Rudy.”

  “Be right back.” Rudy closed the door.

  Mitch hung around on the porch and tried to think how to handle this. Maybe it was the chickens and bad sex. Rudy was a sweetheart, but he’d never get a woman with this setup.

  The door opened and Rudy came out, zipping his parka. “Be right back, girls!” he called over his shoulder before closing the door. “We have to go around behind the house. I keep them in the shed.”

  “Nice place, Rudy.” Or at least it could be, without chickens living in the house.

  “I like it.” He led the way down the porch steps and along a shoveled path to the back of the property. “I’m glad to have someone make use of the snowmobiles, to be honest. Will you be needing one?”

  “No, but thanks. Just the one for Ally and Tanya.”

  “She’s something else, that Tanya. I’m looking for a woman, but I wouldn’t want to get tangled up with one like that. She’s crazy.”

  “She’s different, all right. Listen, I have some news. I found out where Lurleen’s living.”

  Rudy turned around with surprising speed for a guy of his size. “No kidding? Where?”

  “In Fairbanks. Here’s the address.” He pulled out the slip of paper where he’d written it down.

  “Wow, thanks, Mitch!” Rudy stared at the address with great eagerness. “I need to go down there and see her, find out if she’s still with that guy.”