by Dawn Judd
I sighed. He was right of course, but it was important that we track down the people that killed Raymond.
“You said you thought someone had been killed there, before they discovered you. Right?”
“Not killed, Mack, slaughtered. I’m telling you, something very bad went down there.”
“Well there you have it. These people aren’t just going to make themselves publically available. Khallie, chances are, they don’t know who you are either. You said that you got out of there pretty fast, and that they were more worried about getting away from you than paying attention to who you were. I doubt anyone took the time to stop and write down your license plate number. You know? Stop worrying so much, Khallie. You don’t make mistakes!”
Except that I did. And my kind of mistakes got people killed. Mack was right about one thing, of course. I was sure no one had seen my license plate or anything that would identify me. Still, it was better to know who they were, and to make sure they knew nothing. As if he had read my mind, Mack spoke up.
“I’ll keep trying. People like that usually end up making mistakes. We’ll find out who they are.”
“Thanks, Mack!” I didn’t mention to him that there was another reason I needed to find out who they were. I had a score to settle. Mack would never allow it, of course. Those kind of things could destroy the network. But what he didn’t know…. Besides, those kind of people often met untimely deaths, through bizarre circumstances.
I sighed again. I hated thinking like that. Despite the monster that lived inside me, I actually was not a violent person. I didn’t like the thought of killing people. It seemed uncivilized. And when you have 5,000 years to mature, you gain a whole new perspective on the world around you. Especially when you make mistakes you can’t take back.
Mack tried to hurry me out the door. I shuddered when the cold rain hit me in the face. Mack hurried to open the umbrella he had forgotten was still in his hand. We all but ran down to his car, with me nearly falling face first in a puddle as I missed the last step at the end of the sidewalk. Mack, as usual, had kept me out of harm’s way, catching me before I hit the ground.
Both of us kept quiet on the drive there. I was grateful for that. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for the rest of the day. There would be a lot of people there, many of which were not in the network, and I couldn’t afford to break down like I had at the hospital. Amazingly, for such an old man, Raymond had a lot of friends. Of course, he was just so easy to like, I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me. After all, everyone in the network adored him. His death would leave a huge impact on our little family.
As we neared the church, I could see already that it was going to be a huge gathering. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone as Mack ushered me into the church. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone just yet. I had to get through this first. The service was nice, I guess. As nice as you’d expect a funeral to be, anyway.
More than once, I had overheard a few whispered conversations, which kept my mind off of the immediate event. Mostly friends of Raymond’s, outside the network, who wondered who I was. He had done good to keep up the story we had contrived together, but there were a few that weren’t in the loop, so to speak. And older gal seemed surprised at such a large gathering of people that she didn’t seem to know.
“So who is the young girl in front, again?” I didn't recognize the voice, but decided it must belong to one of Raymond's friends. Probably one of the old gals that played backgammon with him every Tuesday afternoon.
“That is Raymond’s granddaughter, or great-granddaughter. I don’t remember which. They were very close. From what I gather, her parents were killed in a bad car accident when she was just a child. Raymond raised her. She was more like a daughter to him.”
“I didn’t realize Raymond had children. Didn’t his wife die very young?”
Eavesdropping on the whispers throughout the crowd reminded me that a good many people come to funerals not out of sorrow or respect, but more out of curiosity and sometimes guilt. It only made me more miserable. Why were these people even here?
“I didn’t know he knew so many people. I thought most of his family had passed away years ago?”
“I think they are mostly friend’s of the granddaughter. People that work for her, actually. She runs some big corporation. Valdis, I think it’s called. I don’t know, some weird Russian name.” Scandinavian, actually. Mack’s idea of a joke. It literally meant Goddess of the Dead. Funny, Mack, really funny. Well, yeah, I guess it was, at the time. Everything seemed a lot funnier back then.
My mind continued to wander, as several people continued to get up and make their speeches. It wasn’t until Mack got up to speak, that I managed to step back out of the haze and back into reality. He had that affect on a lot of people. His strong but gentle voice was hypnotic to some. He made them want to listen, even if they didn’t agree with what he had to say. Of course, Mack had a way with words, too, and there were very few people he couldn’t win over, given the opportunity.
Mack cleared his throat as he reached the podium. He looked tired, spent. I hadn’t noticed the dark circles under his eyes earlier, when he had picked me up. God, I was so insensitive sometimes. Of course he was hurting too. Raymond and Mack had actually been very close. They were fishing buddies, golf partners and would share an occasional beer or two, when Raymond was up to it.
Here I was, feeling sorry for myself; making Mack take care of me. Why hadn’t it occurred to me that maybe he needed some time to grieve too?
“Raymond Darling was a good man,” Mack's voice faltered a little, but he kept going. “He was like family; not just to me, but to everyone who knew him. Raymond always saw the bright side of things, and was never happy until he made everyone around him see it too. Even when his health started to fail, Raymond had a positive outlook. Many times he told me he had lived a full life, and that he was ready to be with his dear wife Lillian once again. He had no regrets.”
At the mention of Lillian a stifled sob caught my attention and I looked over to see Beverly, Raymond's lady friend, silently crying to herself. Another pang of guilt. How many people at their age find love again? Raymond's death had probably broken her heart. She never got a chance to explore their relationship.
I watched Beverly for a while, missing most of Mack's speech, only turning my attention back to him as he finished up.
“Raymond Darling will be missed, but I like to think that he will also be celebrated. He did not leave a hole, but instead filled a gap. Those who knew him are better for it. Those who loved him will forever feel the impact of his love. Forever.”
I wiped away the tears that had fallen. He was right about one thing. Raymond had filled a void that I had felt for thousands of years. My humanity had been restored the moment he entered my life. Nothing would ever be the same without him. But he taught me how to live again. I had to find a way to get past this if I was going to honor him. The question was how?
The burial was rushed, as the rain still came down steadily. There was a reception, afterwards, which Mack made me attend. I knew many of the people there, of course, as a large number of them were from the network. But there were just as many that I did not know.
Raymond made friends easily, and I started to realize that he really did have a life outside our friendship. They introduced themselves to me throughout the evening. Some were old acquaintances; others he had met in recent years. All relayed stories of his quick wit and boundless energy. I couldn’t help but smile at a few of the more extraordinary stories.
The members of my “family” were very happy to see me, rushing over to talk to me the minute they saw an opportunity. Many I hadn’t seen in a long time. As a rule, I had tried to keep moving around, town to town, country to country, in order to keep from arousing suspicion over my eternal youth. Keeping up with my family was easy then.
But as Raymond got on in years and his health began to fail, I moved around less, and eventually stayed
here, keeping an ever watchful eye on him. My relationships suffered because of it. I suddenly felt bad. Most of them had walked away from their lives; giving up everything they knew to work for me. I relied on them for everything, but they also relied on me. They needed me as much as I needed them, and I owed it to them to at least pretend to be ok.
I spent the rest of the evening trying my best to be cheerful, or as cheerful as one is expected to be at these sort of things. I caught up with people I hadn’t seen in years, making promises of visits long overdue. I was actually lost in conversation when Mack tapped me on the shoulder to ask if I was ready to leave.
“How late is it?” I had asked, surprised at how quicly the time had passed.
“It’s pretty late, Khallie. Don’t worry, many of them are staying for a few days. You’ll have time to catch up.”
I said my goodbyes and waited at the door for him as he said his. I noticed when he hugged his secretary, Marlene, goodbye, he held her longer than he meant to. I had long suspected that there was more to their relationship than he let on. Her eyes caught mine as she let him go, and she quickly looked away, as if ashamed she had been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to. I smiled. I knew why they kept it a secret. I would have to remember to talk to Mack about it later. He sacrificed too much for me already. That had to stop.
I was glad to see that the rain had finally let up as he walked me to his car. Although my broken heart was far from healed, I no longer wished for the rain to last forever.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Mississippi,” I answered, without looking up.
“Oh?” He drove in silence for a few minutes, then turned to me, looking at me as though he was trying to read my thoughts.
“When are you leaving?” Strange how perceptive he was. It was as if he actually COULD read them.
“I’m not sure,” I finally replied.
“Do you think it’s a good idea?”
“You don’t?” I asked, surprised. He pondered on this for a moment, trying to decide what he felt. He finally looked at me and then smiled. He looked back at the road, continuing to smile.
“Well?”
“I think it’s a great idea.”
“He wasn’t there tonight?” It sounded like a question, but I already knew the answer. I had looked for him. He wasn’t there.
“It’s not his fault, Khallie. It had nothing to do with you, or Raymond. He couldn’t be there.”
“Yeah.” I wanted to believe him, but I wasn’t as confident as he was about how Jake would react.
“He still loves you, you know.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“It’s the right thing. You can’t spend eternity hiding from what you feel. And you can’t just go around breaking hearts like you do!” He laughed at that last part. I couldn’t help but smile.
“How about next week, after everyone has gone?”
“Great! I’ll help you pack”
"Geez Mack, you'd think you were trying to get rid of me?" Shaking his head, Mack smiled.
“I think I can manage. I’m not a child, you know”
“I know. I just don’t want you to change your mind.” He paused, then, “It’s all he wanted, you know, was to see the two of you together.”
That much I knew. Raymond was nothing if not persistent. He tried to make me go countless times. I had always resisted. I wasn’t really even sure why I was going now, but somehow I knew that I needed to be there, in his arms. The question was, would he still have me?
As we pulled into my drive, I remembered another conversation I wanted to have with him, before I did leave. Now was as good a time as any.
“Mack?”
“Yeah?” He kept his eyes on the drive, carefully pulling up to my front door.
“Um…. Tell me about Marlene.” He tensed up instantly, and I immediately regretted saying anything. But the words were already out of my mouth, so I continued.
"Mack," I said softly, touching his shoulder, trying to reassure him. "I like her."
That was all I said. That was all I needed to say. As I opened the door to get out, I saw him, out of the corner of my eye, smiling as big as he ever had."
“I like her too,” he whispered to himself, barely loud enough for even me to hear.
Chapter Four
I spent the next several days entertaining guests at my house. It wasn’t often that several members of the network would get together in one location, so I tried to look happy, or happier, at least, and enjoy their company. Most of them I hadn’t seen a very long time, and a few I hadn’t seen in years. I used to travel the world frequently, but as they got better at their jobs, my need to move around diminished. I rarely left the country anymore, and when I did, it was often only to a handful of countries.
Of course in recent years, I rarely went anywhere. I had made the decision to stay and take care of Raymond. It was a huge risk, staying in one place for more than a few years. But I had managed to stay out of the radar for the most part, largely due to the unique talents of my friends.
So while they were here, I was going to do my best to make their stays pleasant. They were, after all, my lifeline. Mack took several days off from his office to help out at my house. I thought several times he had made that excuse just so he could keep an eye on me. I knew he was worried about me.
I tried several times to corner him and let him know that I was fine. He would nod his head in agreement, but I could tell he was still thinking about the episode in the hospital. I would have to try to look more like myself when he was around, or he would never let me out of his sight.
The weather had warmed up enough for my guests and me to spend most of our time out by the pool, so I decided to make snacks and drinks so we could enjoy the sun and catch up on old times. Mack came into the kitchen to help me. He always amazed me at how graceful he was. His large hands never seemed clumsy or in the way. In no time at all, he had several trays of snacks ready to go, while I still stood there, preparing a pitcher of lemonade.
“Huh. I thought I was supposed to be the fast one,” I joked. Mack smiled, laughing quietly to himself.
“I think you just like to humor me sometimes,” he joked back. Then, changing the subject, he asked “Have you called Jake yet?”
I sighed, trying to avoid his gaze. He had stopped what he was doing, and was now staring at me, so I knew I couldn’t avoid the question.
“No, I’m not going to call him,” I finally said, a bit too harshly.
“Khallie, don’t tell me you’ve changed your mind. Really, you need this. If you don’t call him, I will. Right now!”
“No. You won’t!!” I almost shouted at him.
“You need to get away from here, and you NEED to fix whatever is left of your relationship with Jake! Khallie, you can’t keep avoiding this. It’s going to happen, like it or not!”
“Are you done?” I asked, when he finally stopped to take a breath. Sometimes Mack could get so excitable about things. I could see the veins pulsing in his temples, about to burst at any moment. When he didn’t answer, I continued.
“I didn’t change my mind.”
“But…”
“Don’t interrupt! I said I didn’t change my mind, and I haven’t. But I am not calling him. I don’t want him to know I’m coming.”
“So you can still change your mind? Khallie that’s not...” I cut him off again.
“Mack! Will you let me finish? There are lots of reasons I’m not calling him. And yes, that is one of them; I admit that, but not the main reason.” I stopped, and sighed. It took me a moment to start up again. I hated admitting my weaknesses, and if it were anyone but Mack standing there, I would’ve left it alone. I also hated it when he thought I was up to something. That was the main reason I rarely kept anything from him. And that was why I continued.
“I’m afraid,” I paused again, looking for the right words.
“You? Afraid?” Mack almost laughed.
“Yes,” I said, giving him a look that said stop goofing and listen. “It’s just that it’s been two years. I haven’t seen him, I haven’t called him, I haven’t written. I cut him off from my life, without so much as an explanation.”
"Jessica," Craddock interrupted, "we're not Vampires."
“He knows why.”
“That doesn’t make it right. What if I call him and he doesn’t want to see me? Or worse, he does want to see me, but between now and the time I get there, he has time to think about what an ass I’ve been. I just want to get there first. I want his genuine reaction without having time to think about it. I want to know how he truly feels, Mack. I don’t expect you to understand. I’m sure it doesn’t make any sense at all, but that’s how I feel. This is going to be hard enough as it is.”
I sat down, exhausted. Everything made me so emotional these days. Mack finished arranging the tray he was working on, pretending to be preoccupied. I knew he was mulling over what I had just said. Finally he looked up and smiled.
“You’re right,” he said. “I don’t understand, but as long as you’re going, I guess I don’t care how you go about doing it.”
“Thanks!” I said, relieved that the conversation was finally over. I helped him pick up the trays and walked towards the door. I held it open as Mack walked out to the patio and my waiting guests.
“So Mack,” I asked, nonchalantly. “Did you invite Marlene?” Mack stopped dead in his tracks; not quite the reaction I was expecting.
“Mack?”
He turned to me, his expression unreadable. I was confused, which must’ve shown in my expression, because he suddenly laughed.
“I’m sorry, Khallie. It’s just that I don’t think she’s ready for this yet. I don’t know how I’m going to tell her, and I’m afraid it’s too soon. She may not react well.”
Now it was my turn to laugh. “Really, Mack, no one said you had to tell her today. I just thought you might enjoy having her here. That’s all.” I walked past him, shaking my head and grinning. “You’re too damn serious sometimes, you know that?”