“Okay.” She blew her nose once again.
“So, he declares that after all this time, he was too afraid to step to you, and then, you two get together and he is taking you out, buying you shit, treating you like a damn Queen. The sex is great, you even got to meet his family and before you know it, he is talking about moving in together. As soon as he does, he busts off in you and gets you pregnant. This man had made sure he’d not gotten anyone pregnant before and Stacey, I don’t know how much of my work you’ve listened to, regarding my philosophies, but I just know—”
“Practically all of it.” she admitted with a pained smile. “All of it, Saint. I believe in most of what you talk about regarding men in general.”
Saint slowly nodded his head and continued. “Well, then you know I don’t believe that men impregnate a woman by accident. We simply don’t. There is something in us that drives us to do it, especially if we’ve been very careful up until that point, which he clearly had. I too, had been very careful, took all the necessary precautions but men like us, Stacey,” he pointed to his chest, “who have gone through drastic measures such as turning down sex with beautiful women on the rare occasions because we didn’t have a condom, and we don’t trust to use hers—guys like us don’t suddenly slip up. Even if we believe we’re in love. Men who do this all of a sudden, more times than not, Stacey, have abandonment issues with women, okay? Just think about it. All this time he’d never knocked anyone up, even his ex-wife ha—”
“Wait! How’d you know he’d been married before?”
Shit!
Saint had read it when he touched her chakras. He was typically not this sloppy, but it had been a long day, and he didn’t know he’d be doing an impromptu counseling session. All he wanted to do was get home to his family, and yet here Stacey was, losing her mind on his couch—he had to step in per Xenia’s request.
“Oh, uh, Xenia told me that a long time ago when you two first started dating. She didn’t get into a lot of details, just that he’d been married before,” he said with a straight face after already saying the woman didn’t tell her friends’ business. Regardless, he hoped Stacey bought the tall tale.
Sorry I had to lie on you baby to get out of this...
Saint gulped down a smile.
Stacey nodded and he continued. He gave an internal sigh of relief.
“So, he does that with you, to ensure that you don’t go anywhere. This will glue you two together forever. Now, he may have been honestly surprised when you told him about the pregnancy, Stacey, but on some deeper level, he knew he was going to get you pregnant. He is at a point in his life where he needed the security. He wanted to set up roots, set up a home base, but he never took care of his spirit, Stacey. He tried to make you the one, but his old ways came back, especially under stress. Who we are is revealed under fire...”
“Wow,” she shook her head, the pained smile reemerging, “that’s deep.”
“Who we are under stress, under pressure, in our worse hour, reveals our true nature. A couple that never argues is nothing to aspire to—they are repressing. If you’re passionate, you will disagree from time to time. The healthiest of relationships goes through rough periods, when communication breaks down every now and again. A person that never gets upset or angry is someone to avoid because they’ve built walls around themselves, at least to the outside world. This means they are a ticking time bomb and they will either run away once the pressure becomes too much or they will explode, becoming verbally and even, sometimes, physically abusive to stave off what they see as an attack, when it isn’t an attack at all.”
Stacey’s eyes glossed over. She quickly brushed the pending tears away. “I do feel like I’m fighting him at times but I don’t know what he is upset about, why he treats me like this. He acts like I am trying to take over or destroy him sometimes.”
“He sees your care for him as an assault. He thinks you are trying to harm him, so his defenses go up when all you are trying to do is attempt to love him. He craves it, but something in him tells him to run far the fuck away from you, when you extend yourself.”
“I can’t...” She turned slightly away, a look of defeat on her face. “I can’t figure this out.”
“People with abandonment issues create situations to invite love, Stacey. Then these same people run away from it, or abolish it. When it is a heterosexual union, and the woman is the victim, she thinks at first, ‘How did I get so lucky to get this guy?’ Well, she didn’t. It was all an act. She got the pretty wrapping paper covering something ugly, bruised, emotionally stunted and deformed and a heart that was hollowed out, much like a decomposing Halloween pumpkin.”
“I got the Coach knock-off bag.” She laughed at her own misfortune, no doubt using it to help pull her through the stressful, painful moment. Realization was setting in.
“Nothing that is priced well and is of great value stays on the shelf long, Stacey. I hate to talk about people like objects or merchandise, but it’s true. Human beings are natural collectors, looking for the best deal for the least investment. Of course there are always exceptions, but in this world of high female to male ratio, there is no way that a man who seems to have all of his ducks in a row is hurting for female attention and if he is immature, or suffering some sort of mental illness or stunted emotional development, no one woman will ever be enough. It is sociopathic and psychopathic behavior. Everything is always everyone else’s fault.”
“Oh my God.” She laughed loudly, slapping her leg. “Do you know him?! That is just like his ass!”
“I bet his cell phone is locked,” Saint added casually as he reached down and brushed a wayward piece of loose carpet from his shoe. “I bet he works longer hours now and you can’t get a hold of him as much.”
She nodded. Tears were still falling, but now she smiled through them, contradicting the agony etched in her swollen eyes.
“I bet you suspect there is someone else and I bet he is acting sillier—meaning, he used to act more suave, and now, his vibration is plummeting even farther, because he is in fact cheating, which automatically for us as men is a spiritual demotion.”
He couldn’t help but shake his head at her. He knew everything he said was true and she was having trouble taking it all in, so much trouble that she began to make excuses. That was okay. That was usually the final stage before acceptance... One last pitch and ditch to revive the dead...
“Well Saint, in all fairness, Jared had a tough childhood and he made himself out of nothing. He is a good father, too. I mean, I can’t take that away from him and he does work a lot, and hard. He actually isn’t a bad person. I just wish we could fix this...”
“Stacey, listen to yourself. How in the hell are you going to be the one fixing something that you didn’t break on your own? Let me explain to you what just happened here.” He leaned in closer to her. “Look woman, you know who I am.”
She looked at him, seemingly stunned by his change of tone. “We’re done playing here,” he said sternly. “I don’t coddle. I don’t play with people when giving advice. So, if you think I am going to sit here and agree with this shit, you’re wrong. You got played, okay? Acceptance is the first step to moving forward. You got played by a man who didn’t know what the fuck he wanted and you got wrapped up in the shit he spun. Jared knows you’re a good woman, that isn’t the issue. Women like you, and this is most women in my opinion, no offense, but women like you always want to try and fix someone who doesn’t know or care that they are broken!
“You are taking this shit on the head, like you owe him to work this shit out. This man has never needed anyone to hold his hand for anything else; I can assure you of that. He had a fucked up childhood, join the goddamn club! I have no idea what Xenia has told you about where I grew up, what I saw and endured, but I should be in a casket or nuthouse, quite honestly!” He laughed, but not a laugh of amusement, as he pointed firmly to his chest. “Now, I do understand the difference here is that I did have a good mo
ther, a wonderful mother, while Jared may not have.”
I know he didn’t...
“So, how we see our mothers is what we do to our women. Some of us are smart enough to get some help, to work through the shit so we can stop the pattern and not pass it on to our children. But most of us will not. Therapy, admitting we are fucked up, is seen as a weakness by so many. Men like this are grown children, a child trapped in a man’s body, working from a low vibration. Do you hear what I’m saying to you?”
Stacey nodded, looking up at him like a scolded child.
“The reason being is because we are trying to recreate our childhood over and over again so we can rewrite the shit, rewrite history. You became his mother. I know that sounds incestuous, but the man doing this doesn’t see it that way. You are a little older than he is, sign number one!” He counted his fingers. “Women are already more mature than we are, even if they are peers, so he added age to that. Though you don’t look it, you are older and behave as such. Secondly, you had a need for a man. You were not one of these women acting like you didn’t need a man, but you didn’t act desperate, either.”
Stacey stared at him attentively as he broke down the details of the mental concentration camp she was running away from...
“Regardless, he felt there was some need in you that he could take advantage of. He saw some vulnerability and it is no coincidence that he stepped to you right after you lost your aunt, Stacey. I remember Xenia mentioning you were dating a nice man right after your aunt had passed. You saw her as a second mother, who practically raised you.”
Her face grew tight—the light bulb was coming on.
“So, you are there at work, grieving, trying to keep it all together, and here his ass comes out of the woodwork, offering comfort, a shoulder to cry on and some dick!”
Stacey didn’t react to his tone or words, but he knew she knew it was coming...he could see it in her eyes. He had started off slow and easy with her, as he always did with his friends and clients; everyone was treated the same. But then he wielded an axe, chopping down all the shit in front of her, the overgrown clusterfuck of poisonous weeds, to showcase the ugly truth of her reality. A garden she thought to be full or roses was covered in green, slithering snakes, smelly plants and grubs.
“He put his all into it. Before you knew it, though you were totally capable, he bought you two a new house to live in together, gave you everything you wanted. Not a moment to lose—knocked your ass up, making the shit permanent. Then, as reality hit him of the gravity of the situation, fear set in. Men are dangerous when we are afraid, Stacey...”
He let the words linger, steep inside of her like simmering tea leaves in scalding water.
“Fear drove him to start pushing you away, Stacey. He was afraid things wouldn’t stay happy, just as they were right then and there. He can’t handle anything other than the fairytale, but real life is no damn fairytale! There are no fairies to sprinkle pretty dust on our fucked up lives like sugar on a donut.”
He paused and gauged her, made sure she was still following. She definitely was...
“He was worried. He was thinking, ‘She is going to leave,’ meaning you. ‘She is going to start to hate me. She will cheat on me, just like I’ve cheated on every single woman I’ve ever been with, even the ones I loved.’ Jared is a low vibration mothafucka!”
His words echoed in the room, bringing Stacey to full alertness. She clutched her chest and sunk deeper into her seat.
“Everything he likes and does is some sneaky underhanded type shit. He doesn’t want to read or learn. He did just enough to get that business and media degree and he never evolved past that. His spiritual growth is still that of a damn newborn, Stacey! You’ve been babysitting this entire time and didn’t even know it. Then...the real baby was born.” Saint leaned back and slapped his knee. “He saw the God in him, then! You sacrificed for him, proved yourself, but he’d never stop testing you. He never stopped wondering if you’d run away so he pushed and pushed and pushed. After you gave birth to that baby, you gave him a fairytale again...just like he wanted. Things got better because emotions were high—everything that he was not, that baby was! Pure. Good. Real. Honest!”
He watched Stacey begin to cry again as the truth started to settle in her soul, her acceptance hugging the dreadful, stinking veracity.
“He thought, ‘Well shit, I may really be able to do this, make a go of it. Pull this shit off!’” Saint said as he changed his voice to sound more like Jared’s, higher in pitch and lazy in tone. “He wanted to, but low vibration mothafuckas can’t! They have to stick it out, because relapses are a given, part of the process, but it is so much easier to slither on the damned ground than to try and stand up on one’s own two feet and be a damn man. He created life with you! And in that happy moment, he said, ‘Let’s get married, baby, let’s make this official!’ And you were happy because, although you hadn’t said it to him, you didn’t want a child out of wedlock and you were eagerly awaiting him to pop the question.”
Saint was truly sorry for how he had to do this, but it was the only way. His measures were effective. Speak with fact, sympathize but don’t pamper. Show the person what the real deal is, make them look at it and see it for what it truly is.
“Then,” Saint shrugged, “as time continued on, the reality of parenthood seeped in. The shit is hard. Children are hard work. They need you, twenty-four seven. Your entire life changes. You are no longer free to do and say whatever the hell you want. No more racing around the house naked, no more spontaneous sex. You gotta wait until the baby is asleep or preoccupied and even then, it has to be fast before they get wind that you’re gone.”
He couldn’t help but notice the grin on her face as she nodded in agreement.
“The child becomes the center of the relationship, versus the original two people who created that child. He didn’t know what hit him! He felt like he was just staking his claim, making sure no one else got you and buying himself some security. Then, he realized he’d made his life harder and he didn’t like the tradeoff. You were now in love with someone else, too, that little girl. He didn’t seize the beauty of the moment—he only noticed what he’d lost!”
Stacey gripped her knee with her left hand, the veins under the skin of her hand protruding as she absorbed the information. She balled her other hand in a fist and brought it to her mouth, sunk her teeth in it, and looked straight ahead as Saint continued to speak to her, as if repressing a primal yell of anger.
“Stacey, you haven’t lost your crown because you gave your heart to a court jester. This whole time you were focused on how do you ‘fix this’. Fix what?! You can’t fix a relationship unless both people want to be restored, or better yet, repaired because restoring Jared would simply give you the façade, the bullshit that he sold you when he first came on the scene. You don’t know who the real Jared is, and nor does he! All of this shit he laid at your feet was a mere illusion. Now, before I go on, did you have any questions?” He paused, catching his breath. He felt a bit thirsty but didn’t dare leave her side just yet.
“You keep saying low vibration, and I’ve read that in two of your books. What exactly does that mean though?” She sniffed as she turned and stared at him. “I’m sorry, I just don’t—”
“No, I’m glad you asked. Sometimes when I speak, I make assumptions that the person I am talking to knows what the hell I’m speaking about.” They exchanged smiles. “When I speak of a low vibration, I am talking about a person that is two dimensional. They don’t try to get to know themselves. They don’t question why they do the things they do and they don’t foster steps to change and improve. For example, they’re people who ate the same way they did since, say, the age of twelve. Cheeseburgers and fries, all day, every day… That is what they feed their spirit, cheeseburgers and fries instead of food for thought, instead of true knowledge of self and trying to be better. We have to seek graduation in our life. Some of us are still in preschool.”
&
nbsp; Stacey nodded as she sat a bit closer to him.
“We watch a bunch of garbage television. We read a bunch of tabloids and gossip. The only music we want to listen to is shit about money, cars and hoes. We don’t go anywhere that doesn’t resemble a club or house party. It’s just madness! Insanity is normal when we are low vibration creatures. Low vibration creatures are purely sexual. They don’t know what making love means, nor how to do it. They only fuck. They don’t understand what creating life means—they just bust nuts or get pregnant. Low vibration people knock others for their hustle and growth; they are crabs in a barrel. They don’t want normalcy. They sometimes believe they do, but they really don’t because the closer they draw to normalcy and growth, they buck against it. We are born at our highest level. We have to spend the rest of our lives trying to get there again but what low vibration people do is only mimic the childlike behaviors. When I say born at our highest level, I am talking about spiritually. We are completely clean. We know our Creator, we don’t deny him, and we know what our spirit needs. Babies inside the womb are the wisest.”
He paused and slid his index finger over his brow as he thought about his own three children.
“As that first hunger outside of the womb sets in, we then know our flesh exists. Everything before that, our mother and our Creator took care of. Once that first thirst sets in, like a vampire, it is the beginning of the end. Are you following me, Stacey?”
Stacey sat back, crossed her legs and smiled. “Yes, I do. You are an incredible person, Saint. As I’ve watched you and Xenia over the years, I was happy that I was so wrong about you…you don’t even know. I could tell how much you love her. My girl thinks the world of you and,” her eyes welled with tears, “she deserves you.”
“Stacey, you deserve a good man, too,” Saint said. “I just hate to tell you, but Jared isn’t him—at least not in his current state. He has to evolve. Now, if this situation were different, if you were both on the same vibration, or at least close vibrations and wanting the same things, and he’d just lost his way, I’d encourage you to fight for your relationship. It is important to fight for relationships and marriages where both people genuinely love one another; they’ve just run into a rough patch or are being challenged. The fact of the matter is that Jared was never serious, in his heart. When we do things based on fear, they never last.”
Saint's Sacrament - Sins of the Father Page 85