“I want you,” I whispered against his mouth.
With those three words, his reservations vanished. He kissed me, hard and eager. My fingers ran down the length of his back and settled on the waist of his boxers. I brought my fingers around to the front, frantically trying to push them down. His lips grew impatient, and I fell back against the mattress, our bodies moving together as eagerly as our mouths. His tongue found its way to mine again and I gained the courage to slide my hand between his skin and boxers and he groaned.
Jaxon yanked my tank top over my head and then his hand impatiently traveled down my side, gripping my cotton shorts and slipping it down my legs with one hand. I was under him, wearing only panties. I expected him to pull them down, but he left his hand on top of them, lingering, heat spreading from his palm into my core. His mouth returned to mine as his hand slid over to my thigh. As he did, he kissed down my neck and chest, between my exposed breasts, and down my stomach. He put his mouth over the thin fabric and kissed me with warm lips and steaming breath. Gently, he started to pull my underwear down. I shuddered from the force of my desire. He pulled back, looking at me, watching my face as his hand finally pulled my panties all the way off.
He kept his eyes on me as he removed his own clothes. In the dim light, I could still see each muscle flex as he pulled his boxers down and kicked them aside. I let out a long, faltering breath when I saw him completely naked, leaning over me. His mouth found mine again and his fingers wandered until they were inside of me. My knees arched and twitched with each movement. His mouth and hand worked synchronously. I dug my fingers into his flesh as he positioned himself above me.
“Elana,” he said, panting, “are you sure?”
I reached for the top drawer of his night stand, pulling it open, grabbing a condom. Feeling the plastic between my fingers, I touched the corner to my mouth, tearing the package open with my teeth. The package crackled in his fingertips and after a few moments, I felt him between my thighs. I closed my eyes.
“Look at me, Elana.”
I gazed up at him, his eyes intent, but soft. He tilted his head, leaning down to kiss me tenderly, and his body tensed, pushing himself inside of me in a small, slow movement. I bit my lip with slight discomfort as my body tried to take all of him at once. He filled me completely. When he rocked into me again, I clenched my eyes shut with a sensuous pain. As he continued to push, my body relaxed and opened to receive all of him. My thighs wrapped around his hips, and he kissed me again.
“Look at me,” he whispered.
The motion of his body against mine became more rhythmic. The nervousness I felt in the beginning disappeared and Jaxon grabbed at my flesh as if he couldn’t get enough. I pulled him into me and he moaned.
“I’ve wanted you for so long, Elana. You’re all I want,” he breathed against my ear.
He grabbed my thigh with one hand and propped himself up with his elbow, just inches above me. A thin sheen of sweat began to bead on my skin and I arched my back as his lips traced my jaw, following a single line down my neck.
“Jaxon,” I moaned.
When I said his name, he pressed his cheek against mine and his movements became more rigid. The noises from his throat grew louder and he pressed inside me one last time, groaning and quivering above me. Every fiber of my body tingled with pleasure, starting from my belly and expanding outward. My toes even curled as I rode out the sensation.
After a few moments, he relaxed, and let his breathing slow.
As my breath slowed in time with his, I said, “I thought the first time with someone new was supposed to be awkward. But I, uh, I’m just awed.”
Smiling, he kissed me and said, “I hope it’s the first of many. I love you.”
I was too shocked to reply, so I kissed him again. He collapsed beside me on his stomach, stretching one arm across my middle, and resting his forehead against my cheek. I ran my fingers along the bare skin of his back until I heard his breathing even out.
We laid motionless, our bodies breathing against each other. After a few minutes, Jaxon drifted off to sleep. I’d never felt such passion or desire and it had come on the heels of such sadness. I thought of his words and what they meant.
I’d never said those words to anyone other than my mom and Tiffany, not even Cole. We had never been the kind of lovey-dovey couple that Tiffany and Lance were. We were like best friends that had sex. We loved each other but with comfort more than intense passion. I tried to process everything, but sleep had other plans for me. I drifted off with my naked flesh pressed against Jaxon’s, hoping I wouldn’t wake to find it all a dream.
Chapter 30
The first golden rays of morning light peeked through the window, waking me. I was still naked, but we had changed positions over night. Jaxon was behind me with his arms wrapped around me.
“Jaxon,” I said softly.
“Yeah,” he murmured into my neck.
His body stretched slightly and he turned his head toward the window. “Morning,” he said, kissing my neck.
I felt him stiffen and press into my back. I turned to look at him, still inside the circle of his arms. I brought my mouth to his and softly kissed him. He returned the kiss and pushed his tongue into my mouth. Warmth flooded my body and I pressed myself against him.
“Morning,” I moaned. “So, it wasn’t a dream.”
“If it was, I’m never waking up,” he said, pulling me closer.
His hand moved down my back and stopped at the top of my thigh. He pulled my leg up and over his hip, his fingers lightly brushing against the soft skin between my legs. Reflexively, I shuddered and pressed my mouth into his more. Grinding my hips into him, I pushed him over slightly, so I was on top of him. I moved down his neck and ran my tongue across his painted chest. He pulled his hands back, letting them fall to the mattress. I kissed every inch of his torso, making my way down to his waist. I could feel him throbbing against me. His right hand finally wandered over to the night stand, grabbing a condom. As he slid it on, I slid onto him. He kept his eyes open, watching my hair fall across my face as my body swayed, anchored by his. He put his hands on my hips and guided my motion, still watching my movements. I tried to go faster, but he pulled me closer to him, slowing my rhythm and pressing my flesh onto his. He bent his face toward mine and ran his tongue along my ear.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispered. The hot touch of his breath and the echo of his words enhanced my pleasure.
I was moving faster and his breath was quicker against my ear. His mouth moved to form words, but I could barely hear him over my own soft moans.
“I love you, Elana,” he said again.
His movement was deeper now. His hips moving in concert with mine, creating a see-saw motion that provided constant stimulation. I arched my back as I felt him shake beneath me. I tried to slow down, but my body kept contracting with waves of pleasure.
I smiled and sighed, exhaustion setting in. Jaxon pulled me next to him, situating the covers over us. I rested my cheek against his chest, and he kissed my forehead.
I kissed his chest. His heart was racing and made my head move up and down with his breath. Every few minutes he would sigh, and I could tell something was bothering him. I kissed his chest again and tapped my finger on his collarbone. I looked out at the rising sun, but I could feel his eyes locked on me.
“Jaxon? Are you okay?” I asked.
There was a long pause before he finally spoke. “I’m fine.”
I pressed my forehead against his neck, and he squeezed me tighter. “I don’t think you are,” I said. “What’s wrong?”
He took a deep breath. “I don’t want to lose you.”
I turned my head, resting my chin on his chest. “You’re not going to.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“Why?” I asked surprised.
“Because I fuck everything up,” he said.
“No, you don’t Jaxon,” I said, kissing his neck.
He was amazing.
Broken.
So was I.
We managed to peel ourselves off the bed and go to class, but I had even less focus than I did on Monday. I tried to discretely text Tiffany from chemistry.
Me: Where R U?
Tiffany: Physics Lab. U OK?
Me: Yea. Lunch?
Tiffany: It’s 1030.
Me: Brunch?
Tiffany: Meet me in 15.
I quietly gathered my things and stepped out the back door of the class room. Even in a huge lecture hall, I felt like the professor was going to stop the class and ask where I was going. I was used to the high school rules. At college, half my professors didn’t care about attendance. They figured it was your job to do the work and pass. If you chose not to show up and fell behind, that was your problem.
I enjoyed the freedom and tried not to take advantage of it. But on a day like this, I had no choice.
I hurried to the cafe to meet Tiffany. It wasn’t easy after the workout I had the night before and that morning. Part of me wanted to find a shady spot and curl up for a nap.
When I walked in, Tiffany was already sitting at a table. I put my things down and started to slide into the booth. She squinted, watching me.
“Oh my god. You had sex with Jaxon,” she said in a loud whisper.
“What?”
“You can’t hide anything from me. You look happy, exhausted and slightly confused. You had sex with him.”
She sat back, smiling at herself. She loved that she knew me so well. For a while in high school, it annoyed me, but I appreciated it more as we got older. It was like gaining a sister to make up for the family I’d lost.
I grinned. “Shhh, we don’t need to make a public announcement.”
“Tell me everything. Well, the PG version. There are children here,” she joked.
“Well my dad blamed my mom’s death on me which he has never done before. That is the short version of the phone call.”
“What? That bastard! You’re the perfect child. I would have killed my mother before you, if that was the case.”
“Thanks Tiff.”
She reached her hand out, taking mine and said, “I’m sorry he’s like that. All you’ve done is try to make things good for him and he treats you like shit. Forget about him.”
“He’s my dad though.”
“Your dad left you when your mom died Elana. This version of him physically and emotionally abuses you. Let him go.”
“I’ll try. I know there’s a good person inside him though… On a better note Jaxon and I had sex. Twice. Once this morning and once last night,” I said, quickly changing the topic so we didn’t have to dwell on my father.
I sat back to wait for her reaction. She said nothing but stared at me. I didn’t know what she was thinking. Good. Bad. It was amazingly great to me. To break the silence I decided to tell her what he said to me afterwards.
“And he said—“
“What Elana? What did he say?” she asked, leaning forward.
“That he loves me.”
“He said that he loves you?”
“Twice.”
“Wow, I’m actually speechless.” She twirled her coffee mug on the table and looked up at me. “What did you say?”
“We were kind of busy. I didn’t respond to that specifically.”
“What will you say?”
“I don’t know.” I turned to watch the people walking by outside. “I definitely have really strong feelings for him, but so much has happened. Everything’s suddenly hurtling forward. College, work, Jaxon.”
“Hold on. Back up. Did you get a job?”
“Kind of.”
“How did I miss this?”
“I didn’t tell anyone. Between Cole and Jaxon and moving and classes, I guess I wanted a little corner that was all mine.”
“Well, can I see the corner yet?”
“It happened when we were all out at karaoke. The guy that owns that place, Tom, asked me if I wanted to host his karaoke nights.” I tried to look nonchalant, but it was impossible. I was beaming.
“Holy shit, Elana. How fun is that? Your mom would be so proud of you for branching out.”
“She would, wouldn’t she?”
“She would and I am. Are you nervous?”
“Completely and totally. But it feels good to be nervous about something positive for a change. And Tom’s so sweet. He has a band that does weddings and stuff. They play older songs like my parents listened to. I practiced with them the other night.”
“So you got a job and joined some old guy band? How the hell did you keep this from me?”
“It wasn’t easy. I’m not exactly joining the band though. Just helping out.”
“That’s awesome Elana.” She picked at her eggs. “Does Jaxon know?”
“No, not at all. We’ve got enough going on between us.”
“I’ll say,” she laughed. “Between the sheets.”
We gossiped about our hometown and classes, laughing and sharing a giant plate of fries. It was like old times but better. I had a lot of things to figure out, but there was time for that later. We needed a good, old-fashioned girls’ day.
We left the cafe and headed to a clothing store down the street. I wanted a new dress for my first night of work and only had a week to find one. Tiffany picked out all sorts of crazy, sexy things, and I went with my usual styles.
In the dressing room, she went back to Jaxon, “So, are you two a couple now?”
“We didn’t really talk about it. Maybe?”
“I would say probably,. I’ve never heard Jaxon say the word love unless he was talking about his car.”
Stepping out to look in the mirror, I twirled around in an emerald green dress. “That looks amazing!” Tiffany said.
“You think? I don’t really have anything in this color.”
“You should have everything in that color.” Striking a pose she said, “What about this?”
“Eh. It’s a little too something.”
“Agreed. Back to the drawing board.”
She pulled her curtain shut, and I said, “Do you think it’s all going too fast? This thing with Jaxon. I mean, Cole just left.”
“You and Cole broke up months ago. He came to visit and you sent him on his way. It’s not like you just broke up.”
“That’s true,” I sighed. “Still, I don’t know about those three words.”
Opening the curtain to reveal a stunning little black dress, she said, “Don’t rush yourself. If you aren’t ready to say it, don’t say it.” Spinning on her heel, she asked, “Yes or no?”
“I should say no just to avoid being seen with you while you’re in it. You look ridiculously gorgeous.”
“We each found a dress. That’s not bad for an unplanned shopping trip.”
“Let’s pay and go. I should do some school work today.”
“I’m sure you’ll be doing something,” she giggled and nudged me with her elbow. “Or someone.”
“Stop it,” I laughed.
We went our separate ways outside the store. I walked up and down several streets, zigzagging my way home. I wanted to see Jaxon, but I didn’t want to desire him quite as much as I did. I tried to delay my gratification and build a tolerance for not seeing him. But even as I took the long way home, I noticed myself speed-walking to get there as quickly as possible. When I closed in on the last block, my phone buzzed to life with a text message from him.
Jaxon: Miss U. Race away 2NTE. Back 2MOR.
Me: Miss U 2, I wrote.
Jaxon: Party 2MOR? Race here.
Me: K
It was more time away than I wanted, but I had work to do. I needed to focus and stop thinking about Jaxon.
Not possible.
Chapter 31
Jaxon called to say he was running late and to meet him at the mansion. I asked Tiffany and Lance to come by so we could walk together. I was nervous. Racing still brought back some uncomfortable memories for me and Jaxon’s fan club was sure to be out in full force.
“You’ve got nothing to worry about, Elana,” Lance said as we walked. “He doesn’t care about those girls. They’re too frivolous.”
“I’m more worried about them with me, than him. Amber didn’t even like it when we were just roommates. I don’t want to deal with pointless drama.”
“No boys, no drama,” Tiffany mocked. “Looks like those things aren’t as easy to avoid in Florida.”
“Tell me about it.”
We hurried to get there in time. As we arrived at the gate, we could already hear the engines revving. I lost track of time getting ready, so I had nobody to blame but myself. Since we were walking to a party at a dirt race track, I opted for a red cotton dress and my converse sneakers. It was comfortable but still cute. I left my hair loose around my shoulders and barely applied any makeup. If nothing else, I would stand out compared to the made-up groupies drooling over Jaxon after the race.
We ran down to the starting line just as the flag went down. The cars screamed down the track, but Jaxon was clearly in the lead. It was over before it began. The cars turned around in the distance and headed back to the crowd. When they reached us they both parked in the grass next to the raceway and got out of their cars.
Jaxon’s competitor was more polite this time. He shook his hand. Jim Davis was using his megaphone to tell the partiers that Jaxon was undefeated for the season while he grabbed Jaxon’s arm and held it high in the air. Jaxon played to the crowd a bit. Raising his arms up again and letting out a loud roar in triumph. People kept walking over to shake his hand and pat him on the back. I stayed with Tiffany and Lance, watching him from a distance.
Amazingly Broken Page 17