by Ledger, John
That was then, and I couldn’t wait for the moment to come. Now, it’s no longer possible because he got arrested and he’s locked up for life. I knew I’d never be able to meet my lover and I was at a loss. He sent me one more letter, with instructions and directions inside. I now had a destination and the perfect exit from this cruel world.
In closing, Mommy and Daddy, I hate you and you can go fuck yourselves. I’m going to a place where there’s others like me. Other rejects who understand where I’ve come from and what I’ve been through. Thanks to the two of you, the only emotion I understand is pain. These people understand pain too, they understand like you did, Daddy. They’re going to fuck me and then eat me. It’s going to be heavenly, just like my lover promised.
Sincerely,
Your daughter
The Elves on the Shelves
It was Christmas Eve, and Kevin’s wife had gone to sleep early. She was a festive woman, anxious for family time the next day. Not to mention the presents and the food that would surely be awaiting her. Kevin couldn't care less about the holidays, but he did enjoy keeping his wife and their seven cats happy. It made his life a whole lot easier. The fact that his novel, Weedeaters, had been turned into a smash hit movie didn’t hurt his situation either.
With his wife in bed, Kevin decided to put in an order. He wasn’t looking for pizza or Chinese food though, he wanted some pot. He wanted some good pot for the holidays. After going through three hopeless calls, he finally got a hold of someone. Malek wasn’t really who he was hoping to meet up with on Christmas Eve, but Kevin was fiending and Malek was convenient. He said to give him a half hour and he’d be over. Kevin was just happy that he didn’t have to go anywhere. He sat down in his recliner and put an old Godzilla movie on while he waited.
Exactly a half an hour later, Kevin’s phone rang and it was Malek at the door. He let him in and motioned to the couch, as he sat back down in his recliner. Malek was dressed in all denim, vest and all, his outfit topped off with a weathered fedora. He looks like some sort of cowboy from another dimension, Kevin thought.
“I have something wonderful for you, my brother. This stuff will make you feel fabulous.” Malek said, as he opened his vest and pulled out a baggie. “Would you like a sample?”
“Of course. Let me grab my bong.” Kevin went into another room and reappeared a minute later, carrying a two foot glass bong. “So, what’s this stuff called? I know they all have funny names nowadays.”
“This, my brother, is appropriately named White Christmas.” Malek pulled out a big white bud and handed it to Kevin.
“Holy shit. It’s totally white!”
“Yes brother. And that’s not coke. It’s all pot, some rare new strain. Go ahead, fire it up.”
“Hells yeah, dude. You don’t gotta tell me twice.” Kevin took a big bong hit and held it in as long as he could. As he exhaled, nothing happened. There was no smoke to blow out, but everything had changed immediately. “Whoa! What the fuck, man?”
Malek laughed. “What’s wrong, brother?”
“This shit ain’t right, Malek. What did you do to me?”
“You’re high, my friend. That’s all.”
“No. No way, man. You laced this shit. I feel like I just ate a sheet of acid.”
Kevin went to reach for Malek and fell onto the floor. Malek laughed as he walked away, back out the front door he came in. As Kevin finally regained his footing, he made his way to the door and looked for Malek. He was walking down the driveway, but he wasn’t Malek anymore. The fedora was replaced by bright orange clown hair, and the denim outfit had morphed into a green and purple pinstripe suit. Kevin knew he was tripping now.
He closed the door and locked it, putting the nightmare of Malek behind him, and there they were. Elves. Several of them. Kevin recognized the elf on the shelf because his wife just had to have one. Here it was though, not on the tree, but walking around in front of him with many friends. There had to be seven of the little fuckers running around the living room and dining room, chasing his cats around with little knives.
Kevin made a run for it into the kitchen where he found another elf stabbing his cat Gandalf. He quickly punted the elf across the room and ran out the door to the garage. It was at that moment that he thought about his wife, all alone upstairs, at the mercy of these little bastards. An explosion outside turned his thoughts elsewhere. Kevin opened the main garage door and saw an ice cream truck driving by with a cannon sticking out of the front of it. The driver was Malek, he was firing random shots at the neighbors’ homes while more elves ran around on the street and in the yard. Kevin was going to hide back in the house when he heard another succession of gunshots that sounded quite different than the cannon. Curiosity took over, as he found himself wandering into his driveway.
The cavalry had arrived. Zeb was dressed up like a pirate from the future, pistol in hand as he fired off shots at the elves, picking them off one at a time. Don was dressed up like a samurai, jumping around the yard like a maniac, swinging his sword and accidentally connecting with one of the elves once in a while. There were too many of them though. Kevin didn’t know what to do, he had to help his friends and protect his house and his wife. It was just then when she showed up behind him with a baseball bat and a machete. Kevin smiled at her and gave her a kiss. He took the bat, as he and his wife joined the battle with the clown and his elves.
It became obvious the elves were enough to keep up with; there was nothing they could do about Malek and his ice cream truck. Until Kent showed up, that is. A Hummer came barreling down the street and drove straight into the side of Malek’s truck. The ice cream cannon tipped over on its side, as Kent hopped out of his vehicle. He was dressed up like Hercules and his right arm was a shotgun. Kevin knew this all had to be a bad dream at this point, but with Kent’s arrival the tables had turned. His shotgun arm took care of several of the demented little elves, which made it easier for Kevin and the others to take out the rest of them.
There were no elves left in sight other than the dead ones scattered around the yard and the street. That’s when the posse gathered together and turned their attention toward Malek. He was out of the truck and walking towards them. His body was growing as he drew closer and before they knew it, he was the size of a six-story building. Malek was like the Stay Puft marshmallow man, only in clown form, and he had a giant mallet that he was swinging around, smashing holes in the roofs of houses, causing the heroes to run around in all different directions, as they avoided the giant hammer.
It seemed that all hope was lost for Kevin and his friends, until a thunderous voice boomed out loud. “I’ll save you Kevin!”
It was Sinbad. A giant Sinbad, the same size as Malek. The clown was taken off guard as Sinbad’s sword cut through his mallet, breaking it in half. Kent and Zeb joined the fight, firing off rounds at Malek, as Kevin, his wife and Don, sliced away at the clown’s ankles. Finally, Sinbad beheaded Malek, and his head rolled down the street, out of sight, as his body shrunk back to its normal size. Blood poured from the neck stump, as Kevin’s wife threw up next to him. The rest of the crew looked up at Sinbad in awe, as he simply winked at them and walked away. Kevin told his friends he’d be right back and helped his wife in the house.
The cats were all in the living room, except for Gandalf who didn’t survive the attempted massacre. Kevin followed his wife to the bedroom, checking for elves along the way. The coast was clear, so she went back to bed. Kevin headed back downstairs and outside where he once again lost his mind. The ice cream truck was gone. His friends were gone. Malek’s headless body was gone. There were no dead elves in sight, no damage of any kind to be seen anywhere. Kevin stood there in the cold, as it started snowing, and wondered if he was sleeping. Maybe none of that actually happened, he thought. Maybe he never even met Malek tonight, and he would wake up on Christmas day to discover it was all a weird dream.
Kevin decided it had to be exactly that. He would wake up at any moment and it wo
uld all just be a joke. He sat back down and returned to the Godzilla movie he’d started earlier, when he saw it. The bag of White Christmas was laying on his coffee table. He picked it up, because he had to hold it in his hands just to make sure it was real. Kevin’s phone went off and he nearly had a heart attack. It was a text message from Malek.
Hey brother, forgot to get that money from you. No worries, catch you next time. Merry Christmas my friend. Enjoy. ;)
Kevin stared at the bag of weed and decided at that exact moment, that he was never getting high again.
Under A Lunatic Moon
Selena Graves was a dangerous woman, and she knew it. As a matter of fact, she was proud of it. What made her even more dangerous, was the large dark-skinned man sitting across the bar from her, pretending not to know her. Selena’s abilities, or powers, if you will, were merely a bonus next to the control she had over her special friend. His name was Malice, and he was a real bad dude. Selena wasn’t so nice herself though, she didn’t look for trouble, but it always seemed to find her. She knew something was going to happen tonight at the bowling alley, but she didn’t know what, or when.
A group of thugs from the city entered the bar and her senses immediately heightened. Selena knew they were somehow a part of the oncoming danger, but she wasn’t sure why. That’s the way it always worked. Her gift was more of a curse in her mind. She was always a step ahead of the rest, but not quite far enough ahead to actually do anything about it, or prevent the situation.
The thugs sat down at the bar, four of them altogether. Selena noticed that Malice was keeping an eye on them. Down boy, she thought, as he looked at her and grinned. He was usually a good listener, and Selena was thankful for that. She knew that Malice could tear these four guys apart with his bare hands, but she was trying to avoid whatever kind of danger that was lurking. She noticed the one guy with the dreadlocks kept staring at her. He even winked at her, but Selena simply glared at him before returning her attention to the drink in front of her.
The thugs all got draft beers as they kept monitoring their cellphones. They looked like drug dealers to Selena, dealers or addicts, maybe both. She noticed Malice had returned his cold gaze towards the crew,, as he sipped on his Jack and coke. He didn’t drink as much anymore but he still loved his whiskey. Malice wasn’t a mean drunk, at least not to Selena, and that’s all that she had to worry about. Before she could get in his head again, she overheard one of the thugs say, “Alright. He’s here.” Selena didn’t know why but she was suddenly on the verge of a panic attack. Whoever ‘He’ was, that was the root of her feelings of paranoia and danger. She would find out soon enough, as the door to the bar opened.
II.
Elijah made his way into the bar, spotting Xavier and his boys immediately. As he made his way over to them, he noticed a woman staring at him. She was gorgeous, in a creepy sort of way. Elijah smiled at her and she smiled back. Little did he know that she didn’t want to return the favor, she was simply afraid of him.
Elijah was here to make a deal, get in and get out. That was it. He didn’t have time to worry about the woman or anyone else in the bar, for that matter. What he was about to do was very dangerous, even for a bloodsucking vamp like himself. Xavier and his boys thought they were buying a thousand dollars’ worth of coke, when in reality, Elijah had just slipped them a bag that was almost pure baking soda. One of the thugs headed off to the bathroom with the bag, obviously to test the product. Elijah knew it was time to go.
After a few handshakes, the stranger was out the door of the bar, but Selene’s feelings of unease didn’t go away. She finished her drink, and the missing thug came rushing back into the bar. “Yo, Xavier, that mother fucker beat us. This shit’s fake.”
The large, dreadlocked man stood up, as his other two friends followed suit. “What? Fuck that. Let’s get that little bitch.” All four of them ran out of the bar, towards the bowling alley parking lot. Selene got up from her stool and followed, as Malice chugged the rest of his drink and followed her. He didn’t bother to try and stop her. He knew better. His job was to protect her, plain and simple.
III.
By the time Selene made it outside, they were already pulling Elijah out of his car. Selene screamed, as they threw him to the ground, stomping on him. She heard Malice behind her now, yelling at her to stop, as she ran towards the pummeling. She got right up in the mix of things, as Xavier turned around and slapped her hard across the face. Blood splattered from Selene’s nose as she hit the ground, and Malice went completely postal.
Xavier barely saw it coming as the giant dark man speared him into an SUV. Malice began hammering away on him with his fists, and this provided the necessary distraction for Elijah to escape. The men that were stomping him turned their attention to Malice and Selene. Elijah slithered away, back towards his car, as two of the thugs attacked Malice from behind. Just as he was about to leave though, he spotted what the other one was up too.
Selene was unconscious laying in the parking lot, defenseless, blood pouring from her nose. One of the men had her dress pulled up over her waist, and was in the process of pulling her panties off, his dick already hanging out of his pants. Before he was successful, Elijah was on his back, slicing his throat from behind. He pushed the man off of Selene and pulled her underwear up the best he could. Elijah looked over to check on her companion as he heard the sirens. The last thing he saw as he scooped Selene up and into his arms, was Malice beating the shit out of one of the men, with Xavier’s severed head, swinging it around by the dreadlocks. Elijah ran across the parking lot with Selene, as four or five cop cars arrived. They never even saw him.
IV.
Malice finished off the thugs, and dropped the head, as the police cars surrounded him. Five total, he counted. The officers all had their guns pointed at him, yelling for him to get down on the ground. Malice kept turning around in a circle, searching for Selene. He noticed the fourth thug, dead on the ground, blood draining from his neck in a pool near one of the cops. Malice wondered if Selene or the other stranger caused that. “Selene!” He hollered, in a panic as he noticed the moonlight.
“Sir, get down on the ground now. And put your hands behind your head.” The officers continued to no avail. The transformation began and it was too late for them or Malice to stop it. The cops unloaded their guns, as man turned into beast right before their eyes. The large black man was now a much larger black werewolf. The bullets had no effect, as Malice pounced from one officer to another, ripping them apart, shoving parts of them into his foaming mouth as he went.
Less than a minute later, the cops were all dead and so were the thugs. No matter which form he was in, Malice was a killing machine. He wasn’t concerned with the bodies he left behind as he crossed the street. Malice was onto a scent, it wasn’t Selene, but it was whatever that thing that took her was. The big bad wolf decided to track it. He was off to find his master.
V.
Selene awoke in a bed in unfamiliar surroundings. Someone was wiping her face gently with a wet cloth while rubbing her hair with their other hand. She recognized him; it was the man from the bowling alley. The last thing she remembered was running after him, and then getting nailed in the face by one of the thugs. Selene remained calm, as she realized that she was still fully clothed. That, and the fact that he must’ve saved her from the parking lot. But, where was Malice, she wondered. Why wasn’t he here?
“You’re finally awake.” The man spoke to her, removing the cloth from her face. “I’m Elijah.”
“I’m Selene. It’s nice to meet you.” Selene sat up a bit, as she noticed her underwear weren’t quite pulled up the whole way. She got off the bed and adjusted her panties, as she looked at Elijah. “Did we?”
“No. That’s actually what I saved you from. One of those guys was about to have his way with you while you were knocked out. I took care of him. And I’m sorry, I tried to pull them back up for you but I didn’t want to touch anything I shouldn’t be touchi
ng. You know?”
“So, you saved me from getting raped?”
“Yes, I did. Possibly from getting killed or at least arrested as well.”
“Arrested? Where’s my friend, the large black guy that was with me. Did you see what happened to him?”
“No, I didn’t stick around to find out. Sorry. I scooped you up and got the hell out of there. He’s probably dead, or in jail.”
“No. He’s not. I can sense him. He’s looking for me.”
“You can sense him, huh?”
“Yes. I can.”
“What are you, some kind of witch or something?”
“Something like that. The question is, Elijah, what are you?”
“What makes you think I’m anything?”
“I can tell. I don’t know what you are, but you’re something special.”
Elijah smiled. “I’m nothing special, gorgeous. You, on the other hand, you’re something special. That’s why I had to rescue you and bring you here.”
“Is this your house?”
“It is for now. The owners won’t mind. Not anymore, anyway.” He grinned.
“You killed them, didn’t you?”
“Wow! You are special, Selene. How did you come to that conclusion so quickly?”
“Cause I know evil, and you seem to be a bad man, Elijah.” Selene walked over to him, placing her hands on his hips. “And I don’t know why, but I like it.”
“Oh, do you?” Elijah grinned, taking her into his arms. They began kissing as their hands roamed around each other’s bodies. Selene pulled him onto the bed and on top of her, as a thunderous roar echoed from nearby. Malice had found his master.