I open the door and they both stop, mouths still open, eyes still wide with anger. “Dusty!” Mom exclaims.
“Hey.” I shove my hands in my pockets.
“Dusty,” Mom says again, coming over to cup my face in her hands. “God, you’ve grown.” She pats my cheek. “Jack, I’d like a moment alone with Dusty, please.”
Jack seems to consider for a moment whether or not he should do that. Finally he crosses the room, resting his hand lightly on my shoulder for a moment before he leaves.
“So,” Mom says, gesturing widely for me to sit on the ottoman while she flops into Jack’s desk chair, “what’s been going on?” She smiles brightly, as if I’m about to tell her about a trip I just took to Fiji.
“Well… uh… Julia got appendicitis, and they found out it was just the three of us living in the apartment, so we came out here, and, uh, it’s been okay here.”
“Jack mentioned you tried to run away not long ago.”
“Yeah, I guess I did. But it’s fine now. The kids really like it here,” I add.
Mom waves that comment off with her hand. “Oh, they’re good kids, they like anything.” Her hair, exactly like Julia’s, is very long now—all the way down her back. When Julia was little, she used to love playing with it. “Dusty, I know you haven’t always been happy with how I’ve taken care of you.” She stands and suddenly starts pacing around the small office. “It was a rather huge shock for me to find out that you and Matt and Julia had been taken away without me even knowing about it. An enormous shock. It really opened up my eyes to a lot of things.” She’s starting to tear up, but I’m used to Mom crying when she wants to get her way, so it doesn’t affect me much anymore. “I want to try again, Dusty. I want to be a better mother this time, I really do. I came all the way here to convince Jack—and you—that I can do better. I’ll start working full-time again, and I’ll make sure not to stay out all night anymore, and I’ll be there for you guys. Really, Dusty, I will this time.” She sits down again, and now the tears are flowing freely. “I know it’s hard for you to believe. If I were you, I wouldn’t believe me either. But Dusty, I really have learned now. I’ve finally learned what you were trying to tell me.”
I’m like a deer in the headlights or something. I mean, come on. What am I supposed to say to that? May as well let her know what she’s up against, I figure. “Mom… uh… you should know that Matt’s pretty upset with you. He likes it here, and I don’t know if he’ll want to leave.”
Mom sighs. “I suppose I deserve that. I’ll speak to him tomorrow.” She yawns. “I’m exhausted. Think I’ll hit the sack. Who sleeps in my old room these days?”
“Me.” She should like that, I think.
Mom leans over to kiss me. “Bunk with your brother tonight, okay?” she says. “I used to love that room; I’ve missed it. And listen, Dusty…. I’m going to hang around a while, convince Jack that I love you guys, and then we’ll go home, I promise. And I’ll finally be the mom you’ve probably wanted all these years.”
She floats out of the room. My mother has never walked anywhere—she always manages to float somehow.
THE FIRST time both my parents disappeared at once, leaving me alone with the kids, I floundered, trying to figure out how to feed them and get them to school and daycare. I was nervous and edgy all the time, but I was determined not to let anyone know what was going on. I felt a constant sense of agitation or unease, as if everything I knew could unravel at any moment—only I wasn’t entirely certain I didn’t want it to.
That is exactly how I feel now. I don’t know what to say to Matt and Julia anymore. Julia keeps asking me questions—are we going with Mom? Can she keep her dogs? Matt is distant and angry, avoiding everyone in the house. I’m totally aware that there’s a huge power struggle unfolding before my eyes and not really sure whose side I’m supposed to be on—but even that’s getting clearer and clearer.
At breakfast the next morning, as Beth is feeding the kids and I’m trying unsuccessfully to figure out the biology homework I never figured out the night before, Mom comes swooping into the kitchen in a large blue bathrobe. “Morning, loves!” She kisses each of us on the head one at a time, totally oblivious to the fact that Matt ducks out of the way. “Oh, I’m so excited to bring you to school again. It’s been so long!” She pours a cup of coffee for herself and leans against the counter.
“Morning, everyone.” Jack comes into the kitchen, stopping for a second to tie his shoes. He kisses Beth and Jules and pats Matt on the head, but he and Mom never lock eyes. “Dustin, can you be ready to go in five?”
I give up on biology and move the kids toward the front hallway to help them get their shoes on before I leave. It’s a routine Beth and I have developed, and Matt and Julia are very used to it, but Mom puts her coffee mug down and comes swooping over. “Dusty, let me help them. Oh, and Beth, would you mind if I took them to school this morning? If I borrowed your car?”
Beth blinks a few times before she answers. “Well… Abby… why don’t we just take them together? Go get dressed; school starts soon.”
Jack and I don’t move. I’m standing with one hand on each of the kids’ shoulders; he’s standing with his arm around Beth. Mom is alone, in the center of the room, not even the coffee mug attached to her at that moment.
Mom laughs, and the sound fills the room suddenly and awkwardly. “Of course I’ll get dressed, but let’s take our time—no need to rush. Maybe they could even stay home this morning. They could miss half a day of school to see their mother!” She looks eagerly at both of them, and Julia walks right into it.
“Yeah! Yeah! Let’s stay home!”
Matt crosses his arms. “No. I have a test this morning. Aunt Beth, can we leave?”
Jack glances at Beth and comes over to where I am standing. “Abby, the kids can’t miss school right now. Listen, tonight we’ll all go out together, to dinner or something. Dustin and I need to leave, and Beth needs to get to work.”
The look Mom gives Jack became harder and harder as he speaks. Then she suddenly shrugs and smiles. “Of course, there’s plenty of time. I’ll just get dressed and go with Beth to drop them off.” She swoops out of the room again, kissing me as she goes.
On the way to school, Jack and I don’t say much. Finally, Jack asks what I’ve been asking myself all morning. “So, do you want to go back to Colorado with your mom?”
“No.” The answer leaves my mouth before I even have time to think about it, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I know exactly what I want. “Oh. No. I did, I mean, I thought I did. I guess I don’t anymore. I guess… I kind of like it here now. I’d miss a lot of stuff.” Like Emmitt. And Casey. And skateboarding and hockey and Jack’s cooking and even Jack. I just can’t make myself say that out loud yet.
Jack doesn’t smile or frown or change his facial expression at all. It’s pretty clear he’d thought I’d say that all along. “Dustin, this could get rough. Your mother seems convinced she can regain custody of the three of you, and I don’t think the courts are going to give her that. I’m really not sure how this whole thing is going to turn out.”
“It’s not going to be a problem.” I say it steadily.
“What do you mean it isn’t going to be a problem?” Jack’s definitely shocked that I’m brushing the whole thing off.
“Jack….” I stare out the window. “What did Mom do when she didn’t like living with you anymore? What does Mom do when she gets sick of taking care of us? What does Mom do… well, whenever anything gets hard?”
Neither of us answers that question, because it doesn’t seem necessary.
Jack races us both out of school that afternoon. He even gets annoyed when I take a few minutes trying to borrow Casey’s French notes. I know he’s worried about leaving my mom alone with Beth and the kids.
I’m not in much hurry to stay, anyway. School’s been about as awkward as it can be. Both Emmitt and Casey have asked me what’s going on with my mom, an
d I just shrugged and told them I wasn’t sure. It’s pretty clear they want to know more. Emmitt, especially, has been practically biting back questions every time we met up at my locker.
Part of me wants to assure him I’m not going anywhere, but I don’t really want to talk about the whole thing right now. This is one of those days when our whole “secret relationship” is actually working in my favor. There’s no way he can try to dig too deep without everyone noticing there’s something going on between the two of us.
Jack and I get back to the house, and everything is surprisingly calm. Matt and Julia are working quietly at the kitchen table doing their homework, Mom sitting beside them and putting in helpful hints every now and then. Matt is still glaring at her intermittently, but she doesn’t seem to notice. Beth is puttering around the kitchen, cleaning up. Mom smiles when she sees us come in and motions me over for a hug.
So far, so good. Thing is? I am 1000 percent positive this is the calm before the storm.
Jack takes us all out to the Chinese Buffet in Colby for dinner, which is this small hole-in-the-wall restaurant with really great food. I’m only on my second plate when Mom starts in.
“Matthew,” she says, “I was thinking that once we get back to Colorado Springs, we could finally get that dog you’ve been asking for.”
“I already have a dog,” he says coolly, taking a bite of lo mein. “Right here. And I don’t want to go back to Colorado Springs.”
“Honey….” She smiles at him and starts stroking his hair. “I know you’re mad at me, and I don’t blame you. But I promise you, I’m different now. Things at home will be different. I’ll stay home with you, and we’ll get a dog. It will be wonderful!”
“Things are wonderful now.” Matt goes back to his lo mein again, still calm, but there’s an edge to his voice.
“Matt, I promise that if you just give me a chance….”
Suddenly Matt is out of his seat and shouting. “You never keep your promises! You promised you’d come with me on field trips and take us to the park and make us special dinners and then you’d just go away and it would never happen!”
“What, honey?” Her eyes are wide, lost, as though she has no idea who is speaking to her. Maybe she doesn’t.
“Uncle Jack’s a great uncle! He plays with us and he makes dinner for us and Aunt Beth is great too! Way better than you! I hate you! I wish you’d go away and never come back!” He ends with a great flourish, throwing his fork down on the ground and running out the door.
“Matt!” I holler loudly as I throw down my own fork to chase after him.
Matt’s nowhere to be seen outside. The buffet is in the middle of a small shopping plaza with about five stores in it, but it’s on the edge of the downtown area, and Matt could have gone anywhere. Jack comes racing up behind me, with Beth, Mom, and Jules behind him.
Jack plants his hand firmly on my shoulder. “Beth and I will go looking for him. You stay here with your mom and Julia.”
“Jack!” I don’t say anything else; I don’t need to.
He rolls his eyes. “Fine. Beth and Abby, you stay here with Julia in case he comes back.” I get that he doesn’t want to leave my mom alone with Julia, and I don’t really blame him. “We’ll find him,” he adds reassuringly to Beth.
Jack takes off in one direction and I take off in the other, completely terrified. What if Matt runs out in front of a car? What if we never find him? What if I never see him again? I think about that a little too long and realize this is probably how Matt felt when I’d tried to run away to Colorado.
I’m circling the street in front of an optometrists’ office when I realize I need to think like Matt. If I were Matt, where would I run to?
It only takes a second before I pull out my cell phone and call Jack. “Sports store!” I yell loudly. “Check the sports store!” I hang up and start running down the street.
I see him running up toward the sports store from the other direction just as I get there. We look at each other, say nothing, and go inside in together.
We find Matt sitting in the back of the soccer section, between the balls and the shin pads. He’s wadded up in a ball on the floor, crying.
Derek, the guy who owns the store and also knows Jack pretty well, comes up to us and puts his hand on Jack’s shoulder. “Hey, man. I tried calling your house, but no one answered your phone. I was just calling around to get your cell phone number.”
Jack nods. “Thanks.” We both lean down on either side of Matt and slowly unroll him from his ball.
He’s still crying, holding his hands over his face, apparently embarrassed to be caught like that. “I hate her…. I hate her…. I hate her….” he keeps saying over and over again.
I pull Matt into a sitting position, and we sit on either side of him.
“You know what, Matt?” Jack sighs. “Dustin and I don’t blame you at all. But you have to remember, she’s a person just like all of us. And people make mistakes, Matt.”
Matt pokes his head out of my lap and looks at us. “I used to hate her all the time,” I tell him quietly. “Even when I went… away… to look for her, it wasn’t because I really wanted to find her or anything.” I don’t bother to try to explain that to Matt. He probably understands, anyway. I’m starting to think Matt understands a lot more than I’ve been giving him credit for. “But I don’t really want to hate her anymore, Matt. It takes a lot of energy to hate someone, and I don’t want to use my energy that way anymore. I don’t think you should, either.”
Matt looks at me, wide-eyed. “Why does she keep saying she wants to take us back there, Dusty? I don’t want to go back.”
I frown, because I don’t really know the answer to that. “You know, Matt… even though Mom was pretty bad at taking care of us, I think she always wanted to try. She always came home, right? That’s more than we can say for Dad. I think this is just her trying again.”
Matt snuggles into me. “She should stop trying, I think,” he sniffles. “She’s just not good at being a mom. Beth is way better.”
Jack smiles at him. “Well, Matt,” he says, “Beth’s not going anywhere.”
Matt nods, suddenly very grave-looking. He stands up and wipes his face on his sleeve. “I’m ready to go home now,” he says seriously.
I WAKE up in the middle of the night to creaks on the stairs. I know those creaks. They’re the creaks the stairs to the attic bedroom make.
She’s leaving again already. Part of me wants to let her disappear into the night. The ride home from Colby was torturous, Matt never looking at Mom and Julia filling the silence by telling us about some artwork of hers. I wondered all the way home if Mom could even last the night. Now I know she can’t.
But I can’t just let her leave. I can’t let her get away with that again. So I start down the stairs after her.
“Going somewhere?” I catch her in the kitchen, getting together a bag and putting on shoes.
She looks up, not at all surprised to find me in the doorway. “Yes. You three seem happy here. I see now that you don’t need me anymore.”
“That’s not fair, Mom. That’s completely unfair. You made us not need you.” My voice is angry and desperate. I am desperate. Desperate for her to understand that this isn’t something we’ve done on purpose. “You left us alone all the time. We had to learn not to need you.”
Mom’s eyes are welling up with tears, but I keep talking. “I didn’t like it, Mom, but we had no choice. Dad took off and then you were always taking off too.”
“Dusty… I….” Mom stops and sighs.
She picks up her bags and walks into the front hallway. “Just tell the kids I love them, okay? Tell them that once in a while. I love you.”
And then she’s gone. The door slams behind her, and I hear a car roar up the driveway. She must have called a cab; how long has she been planning to leave?
I turn to go back upstairs, and I find Jack standing in the kitchen in his sweats—it’s pretty obvious he’s
been standing there for awhile, but he never made a sound. “Hey, kiddo.” Jack flips on the overhead lamps. “I think I’m going to make some hot chocolate. You want some?”
I just nod and sink into a chair. Jack puts some water on to boil before he comes over and sits down beside me. “Dustin….”
I roll my eyes. “I know, I know, the ‘I know this hasn’t been easy for you’ speech. Yeah, it really hasn’t. But the kids like it here, and I’m beginning to like it here, and Mom… well, Mom’ll just always be Mom and Dad’ll always be Dad.”
Jack looks at me innocently. “Oh. I was just going to say that we didn’t have any marshmallows.”
I just roll my eyes again.
“Hey, Dustin?” he finally asks after a few minutes.
“What, we outta cookies too?”
He smirks. “Actually, we are. But that isn’t what I was going to say. I was going to say….” He hesitates. “You know, Rick’s time in juvie will be up eventually, and he’ll be coming back to school.”
“You’re just a ray of sunshine tonight, Jack.”
He grins. “Maybe a strange time to bring that up. But I was thinking a lot over the past few days about how much more you seem to trust me now, Dustin. That matters to me. I want to make sure that’s something we can keep going even after Rick’s in school again. Do you know what I’m saying?”
I blink a few times, studying him carefully.
It’s crazy how fast things can change, isn’t it?
“Yeah, Jack,” I finally say. “I know what you’re saying.”
We’re both silent for a while before I realize I have something I need to ask.
“Hey, Jack? Do you think it’d be okay if I call my friend Race sometime? You know, from the Springs?”
Jack stands and stretches, then walks over to the stove to pour out boiling water into mugs. “Absolutely, Dustin. Call him anytime you want.”
I stare out the window. It’s started snowing a little bit, and tiny flakes are floating by the window. “So, you coming to our next hockey workout?” Jack asks, adding hot chocolate mix to the mugs.
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