Josh turned, his heated blue gaze piercing into Gabriel. “She shouldn’t be! She should be busy planning the baby’s room. Shopping for our anniversary. Not thinking about getting dressed for my funeral.”
***
I don’t want to do this. The thought rang loudly in her head. She looked at her black dress that hung on the back of the closet door. Someone had picked it out for her, probably Taylor, she thought as she pinched the bridge of her nose. She wanted to curl up in bed and never face this day.
Maybe if she hid in bed long enough she wouldn’t have to.
The bedroom door behind her opened and footsteps approached. She didn’t want company, she wanted to be alone so she could figure out if she was strong enough to do this.
“Hey…” Taylor’s soft voice came from beside her. “I just…I wanted to see how you’re doing.”
She shrugged. “I’m numb.” The only way she could think to describe herself. Numb, but still capable of feeling the hurt, the ache in her heart that she knew would never go away. Josh had been such a part of her life, it was as if half of her had been ripped away. Her heart and her soul were gone and she literally felt like a shell that had been left behind.
“Me, too,” Taylor admitted. She looked around the room, a slow sweep that made Avery think she was taking in the sight of all Josh’s belongings, everything exactly where he’d left it. The craziest thing was Avery wasn’t even tempted to move the smallest thing. She didn’t want to for fear of somehow erasing a part of Josh.
“Do you want me to keep you company while you get dressed?” Taylor offered at last.
Avery shook her head. “I’m good. I just need a long shower.”
Taylor looked at her closely and Avery felt like she was being examined under the microscope for signs of fractures in her already thin veneer. They all knew she was putting on a front, that this bit of strength she was exhibiting this morning was nothing more than an act. At any moment any memory of Josh, the slightest memory of him, could send her tumbling back down that well of emotions. And she had to somehow make it through the day that was sure to be filled with nothing but.
Taylor hugged her close, jostling her from her thoughts. “All right. I’ll be downstairs. Holler if you need me, okay?”
She nodded and squeezed her best friend a little tighter. “I will. Thanks.”
Taylor left the room with one last look over her shoulder and Avery sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed. The more she thought about what was ahead of her, the more lost and numb she started to feel. She glanced toward the alarm clock and sighed seeing how early it was. She’d already been up for hours. Sleep hadn’t come easily the night before and she hadn’t wanted to take something even though the doctor had told her it was fine for her to. Three days in a mind numbing fog was enough for her. She had the baby’s health to think about, and that was the most important of all.
Shower time, she decided. She couldn’t risk sitting there much longer in case someone else came up to check on her. Taylor would only get more worried if she hadn’t moved an inch and she knew despite her best friend’s claim to be downstairs if she needed her, she’d likely come up to check on her just to be extra sure.
Gathering her strength, she started to get up and head to the bathroom, stopping suddenly in front of the dresser. The framed photos had been rearranged. Someone must have been looking for one for the service, she realized. She picked up the one front and center. Her heart ached seeing his face staring back at her. How could she do this? How could she ever say goodbye to the man she loved? The father of her child…the one man she’d waited her entire life to find. Her soul mate if she truly believed in such a thing.
“You promised me forever,” she whispered. A coolness brushed against her bare arm and for a moment she let herself believe it was Josh. A sign that he hadn’t left her. “Forever was supposed to be until we were old and gray…not now, not before the baby got here…before we ever had a chance…” A tear fell on the glass and she wiped it way hurriedly before putting the frame back down, not seeing his reflection in the streaked frame for a second as he stood beside her.
Josh watched her walk out of the bedroom, his heart breaking all over again. He hated this. Hated seeing the light fade in her eyes, hated hearing the pain in her voice. It killed him inside to know he could cause her so much anguish, that there was no way in his power to make any of this right.
And the panel wouldn’t let him go back.
He looked at the framed photo she’d held moments before. Her smiling face next to his. One of the first pictures taken of the two of them together shortly after they’d met. Someone had snapped a pic on her cell phone of them at a baseball game. It wasn’t the clearest shot, but it was good enough. The happiness on both their faces was unmistakable.
He reached out, his fingers almost touching the cool glass of the frame. How could this have happened? She was right, they were meant to have forever, not just a glimpse of it.
***
Forty minutes later, Avery was fresh from the shower, her hair dried and loose, hanging down as she slipped the dress over her head and managed to not have to fight the zipper in the back. She ran her left hand over the soft fabric, straightening it as she glanced at the mirror. Wouldn’t he laugh seeing her in it? The tomboy in one of these things? More at home in shorts and a t-shirt or jeans and a baseball jersey than a skirt or a dress.
She put on a light dusting of make-up, almost on autopilot, before she picked up her brush and ran it through her hair a couple dozen times, trying to figure out what to do with it, all the while trying not to meet the sad gaze of the woman in the mirror. The one who was so desperate she’d thought she’d glimpsed him over her shoulder for just the tiniest moments. A quick glimpse and then gone, like some fragmented memory.
How crazy was that?
She put her hands on the edge of the counter. She needed to psyche herself up. A whole day, supposedly to say goodbye, but how could she? That wasn’t possible, it could never happen. Not when she was still so connected to him. Not when she was carrying his child. There was no way she could ever say goodbye to Josh. She’d never be able to put him behind her like so many others could. Let alone the fact that somehow, for some reason, none of this felt real. It seemed like an illusion.
She was in denial, how else could she explain it? The constant feeling that somehow he was still there. Every time she heard the door open, she looked up, expecting to see him walking in, that smile on his face. God, what she wanted most in the world she would never have again.
Why hadn’t she woken up that morning? Why couldn’t she have had morning sickness? Something that would have made her wake up, something that might have tempted him to stay home and look after her…then she wouldn’t be facing a lifetime without him.
Her legs trembled, a sure sign they were losing their strength, and she gripped the counter in an effort not to go down. “Josh.” His name fell from her lips before she could stop it. She started to slide. “Josh…”
A pair of strong arms wrapped around her waist, and she looked in the mirror in surprise, almost fooling herself into believing she’d see him standing behind her. Instead it was Alec’s concerned face staring over her shoulder, pale as a ghost as he looked at her.
“You okay, sweetheart?” His voice was low, hushed like he didn’t want to startle her.
“I-I…” She suddenly was embarrassed. She didn’t want to show any more emotion than she had to. She’d gladly go through the rest of the day on autopilot if she could, anything to not have to deal with the grief and the fact that the truth would be in her face all day. He was gone and not coming back. No more hope…no more chance that this was all a cruel mistake.
“I just…”
“Shhh…I know…” He hugged her tight. “You sure you’re up for this?”
No! She wanted to scream and run past him, throw herself into bed like a child and pull the blankets over her. But she was an adult and she had to do this.
Had to do it for Josh. “Yeah, I just…I need a few more minutes. Haven’t put my face on yet.”
He turned her around in his arms. “Anything you need today, anything at all, you just tell me, okay?”
She nodded. She knew she could count on them for anything she needed. She just wished she could have them do something to take away this ache inside her. “Josh’s jacket.” The words were out of her mouth before she realized what she was saying and could stop them.
“What?” He looked surprised at her request.
She bit her lip, unsure of where the idea had come from. It was a sudden urge, but it somehow seemed right. “His old beat up leather jacket. It’s downstairs in the front closet. It shrank after he wore it that one rainstorm. I want to wear it…can…could you go get it for me, please?”
“Absolutely. I’ll be right back with it,” he promised and quickly left the room.
She opened her make-up drawer, grabbing a couple things to stick in her purse to take with her, doing everything possible not to look into the mirror just yet. Not wanting to think she caught another glimpse of Josh somewhere around her. She wasn’t strong enough for the tricks her mind wanted to play on her.
She heard the bedroom door open and a few seconds later Alec reappeared with Josh’s jacket draped over his arm. “This the one?”
“Yeah.” He’d had it since before they’d met and he’d worn it all the time when they first started going out. Having it on would be like he was there with her, like she was in his arms again. Maybe somehow it would give her the strength to get through the day without losing complete control.
That was the absolute last thing she wanted. She just needed to stay in control, that was it, that was all. Just needed to make Josh proud of her for handling everything.
Alec held it open for her, and she carefully slipped it on. This was as close as she’d ever get to him again. A memory. A scent. Nothing more. She ducked her head down and for the first time noticed the large bandage wrapped around the back of Alec’s hand. “What happened?”
He looked away from her toward the counter where her cell phone sat. “Dropped a glass and cut myself. It’s nothing serious, don’t worry.”
Alec was never clumsy and she hadn’t heard anything break, but she knew what it was like to be in that much pain and the last thing she’d want was anyone pushing her for answers she wasn’t ready to give. “Be careful.”
The corner of his mouth twitched up. “Yeah, I got that same lecture from Blake when he saw it this morning.” He stuck his hands in his pants pocket. “You almost ready?”
“Not quite.” She just needed a few more moments to herself.
Understanding dawned in his eyes and he nodded, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Be downstairs waiting.”
“Thanks.”
She waited till he closed the door behind him and turned around. She hated the reflection in the mirror. Her supposedly waterproof mascara had failed and she’d barely even put it on. She grabbed a tissue of make-up remover and wiped the mascara away. To hell with make-up, she thought as she pulled her hair back, securing it with two simple pins. She picked up her sunglasses from where she’d laid them on the countertop. “Why can’t I believe you’re gone, Josh? Why doesn’t it feel like you’re gone?”
He leaned against the counter beside her, his back to the mirror. “Because I’m not. I’m with you.” He reached his hand out to wipe away her tears on instinct and stopped in midair. “I hate this.” He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep the image of her standing there, so pale, so fragile looking in her black dress and his leather jacket from burning into his mind.
***
Josh tensed, his body still as a statue the moment he opened his eyes again and found himself in the church, everyone he loved sitting in pews in front of his casket, his photo on an easel surrounded by flowers. He never thought he’d see this moment. Everyone mourning him. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. None of this should be happening. He wanted to reach out and yank on everyone’s sleeve like a toddler, demanding their attention to tell them he was there, he wasn’t dead. He wasn’t gone. He was just…stuck.
Tears burned his eyes, and he brushed them angrily away. He hated the sadness on everyone’s faces. The feel of the loss in that room was palpable. It burned its way through him, making his entire being ache. This was a step too far, having to see Avery suffer through this, not to mention Blake and Alec and his parents.
“Can we go?”
Gabriel studied him. “I thought you wanted to be here for her.”
“I do…” But everyone had a breaking point, and this moment right here was awfully close to his. He followed a group of people up the aisle, wanting to get close to her. He knew Gabriel stayed behind, granting him some semblance of space, of privacy.
He saw her sitting up front, the somber black dress making her appear all the more pale, all the more fragile. He moved around a couple of people whispering in the aisle, their gazes turned toward her. Josh heard the murmuring of the word baby, and his hands tightened into fists automatically.
“You should stay.” Gabriel’s voice sounded in his head, as clear as if he stood beside him.
Why? Josh thought as he rounded the pew and walked by his brothers. Alec sat beside her, his head bowed as he played with the cell phone in his hand. He recognized the bandage on his brother’s knuckles from where he’d punched the wall. His sweet younger brother who wasn’t prone to having a temper, who rarely got mad or raised his voice, had taken his anger and frustration out on his bedroom wall, putting a good dent in the drywall which he’d hastily covered up with a poster, not wanting to have to explain it to anyone.
Josh had never felt more helpless. Hopeless. This was going too far. He needed Avery to know this wasn’t real. It wasn’t. It was…limbo, some strange in between where he and everyone he loved was being held, tested in, waiting for someone to make a decision.
Blake squeezed her hand. She squeezed back with the little strength she could muster. She wondered how much more she could take. Everything was like looking through a fog. She was disconnected from her own body, like someone else was controlling her every movement and she was just a passenger looking out the window, watching what was going on. The only thing she couldn’t get away from was her pain, that horrible knowing that this was truly the end. No more voicemails. No texts. No waking up in the middle of the night to his snoring. Just her, alone with their baby, learning to somehow live again. The mere thought made her stomach lurch. Instinctively she squeezed Blake’s hand tighter and let out a deep breath. She couldn’t stand listening to the words, the pain in everyone’s voices too much to bear. She hadn’t been able to look up more than once, to see his face on the oversize framed photo on the easel. It was like a knife to her already broken heart.
She kept her head bowed, not wanting to meet anyone else’s gaze, not wanting to see more looks of pity tossed her way. She’d seen enough from the few she’d seen when they’d walked up the aisle. She could just imagine what they thought. Josh’s poor pregnant girlfriend left alone to face the big bad world by herself with a baby who’d never know its father.
Alec leaned slightly forward, hoping to catch Blake’s eye. He’d spent the entire service watching the woman beside him withdraw deeper and deeper into herself. First he’d thought it was a coping mechanism to keep from dealing with everything. Yet the longer things went on, the more worried he became. Her head bowed. The little make-up she wore did nothing to hide her paleness. Her lips pressed tightly together then moved as if she was talking silently to herself. He recognized Josh’s name many times. If he could have, he would have loved to have whisked her out of there, away from things she didn’t need to be a part of.
She’d tried to play strong for so long, but he knew it was all just a mere façade. Any second something could become one thing too many and she’d fall, and he was worried she’d be unreachable.
She’d cried, she’d gotten angry, but he didn’t think s
he’d truly let herself give into the emotions. She needed to. Alec slid closer, taking hold of her right hand. She cast a surprised look his way. He tried to manage a smile, wishing the service would end already. It was hard enough on him, listening to the memories of his brother, but he couldn’t imagine what it would have been like for her. He already knew friends were asking what they could do for her, what she needed now that she didn’t have Josh around. There’d been whispers of setting up a trust for the baby. It was all too much, too soon.
***
Even Gabriel didn’t understand what he was doing, yet there he was, in full form amongst the mourners. The sadness was palpable, pressing in on him from every direction, but it was strongest from the woman he’d spent the last two hours watching from the moment she’d arrived.
Was the panel really sure what they were doing with Josh?
The thought came to him again. Nothing seemed right. There was literally something in the air that felt wrong. Things didn’t have the same flow that he was used to seeing. There was a jaggedness to everything that seemed wrong. He could feel it in his soul.
He wondered if that was what Josh picked up on from her. There was a connection between the two he’d never seen before. Nothing was breaking it. Strange in a way. Gabriel had seen lesser ties begin to distance themselves almost immediately in the past, but theirs…the connection was still as strong as ever.
He noticed Blake and Alec had stayed back with her by the pews. Josh had uncharacteristically wandered away from her, leaving Gabriel a moment to try and do what he could for the woman.
He made his way toward her. The man in front of him shook her hand and kissed her cheek before walking away. Alec and Blake held a whispered conversation a few feet away, their concerned glances aimed her way every few minutes.
Gabriel stepped forward, tempted to crouch down in front of her. “Hello, Avery.”
She looked up at her name. “Hi…” She searched his face, obviously trying to place him. The sadness in her eyes hit him full force.
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 6